Hi! 


mi 


[3o 

(jUTHBERT  LJL>U^,JJ*A&* 

WITH 

80  ILLUSTRATIONS  BY  THE -AUTHOR 

LITTLE ,  BROWN,  5cCO. 
BO STOW 


Copyright,  1893, 
BY  LITTLE,  BROWN,  AND  COMPANV. 


.  J. 


^printer* 

,  BOSTON,  U.  8. 


^7)3 


N.2, 

7 


CHAPTER  VI. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  FEATHERS  HIS  OARS  WITH  SKILL 
AND  DEXTERITY. 

X  TOVEMBER  is  not  always  the  month  of  fog  and 
1  \l  mist  and  dulness.  Oftentimes  there  are  brilliant 
exceptions  to  that  generally-received  rule  of  depress 
ing  weather,  which,  in  this  month  (according  to  our 
lively  neighbours),  induces  the  natives  of  our  Eng 
lish  metropolis  to  leap  in  crowds  from  the  Bridge 
of  Waterloo.  There  are  in  November  days  of  calm 
beauty,  which  are  peculiar  to  that  month  —  that  kind 
of  calm  beauty  which  is  so  often  seen  as  the  herald  of 
decay. 

But,  whatever  weather  the  month  may  bring  to  Ox 
ford,  it  never  brings  gloom  or  despondency  to  Oxford 
men.  They  are  a  happily  constituted  set  of  beings, 
and  can  always  create  their  own  amusements;  they 
crown  Minerva  with  flowers  without  heeding  her  influ- 
17 

255099 


256      THE  ADVENTURES   OF   MR.   VERDANT  GREEN, 

enza,  and  never  seem  to  think  that  the  rosy-bosomed 
Hours  may  be  laid  up  with  bronchitis.  Winter  and 
summer  appear  to  be  pretty  much  the  same  to  them: 
reading  and  recreation  go  hand-in-hand  all  the  year 


round;  and,  among  other  pleasures,  that  of  boating 
finds  as  many  votaries  in  cold  November,  as  it  did  in 
sunny  June  —  indeed,  the  chillness  of  the  air,  in  the 
former  month,  gives  zest  to  an  amusement  which 
degenerates  to  hard  labour  in  the  dog-days.  The 
classic  Isis  in  the  month  of  November,  therefore, 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  2$7 

whenever  the  weather  is  any  thing  like  favourable, 
presents  an  animated  scene.      Eight-oars  pass  along, 
the  measured  pull  of  the  oars  in  the  rowlocks  marking 
the  time  in  musical  cadence  with  their  plashing  dip 
in  the  water;  perilous  skiffs  flit  like  fire-flies  over  the 
glassy  surface  of  the  river;  men  lounge  about  in  the 
house-boats  and  barges,  or  gather  together  at  King's, 
or  Hall's,  and  industriously  promulgate  small  talk  and 
tobacco-smoke.     All    is  gay  and  bustling.     Although 
the  feet  of  the  strollers  in  the  Christ-Church  meadows 
rustle  through  the  sere  and  yellow  leaf,  yet  rich  masses 
of  brown  and  russet  foliage  still  hang  upon  the  trees, 
and  light  up  into  gold  in  the  sun.     The  sky  is  of  a 
cold  but  bright  blue;   the  distant  hills  and  woods  are 
mellowed  into  sober  purplish-grey  tints,  but  over  them 
the  sun  looks  down  with  that  peculiar  red  glow  which 
is  only  seen  in  November. 

It  was  one  of  these  bright  days  of  "the  month  of 
gloom,"  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns  being  in  the  room  of  their  friend  Mr.  Boun 
cer,  the  little  gentleman  inquired,  "Now  then!  what 
are  you  two  fellers  up  to?  I'm  game  for  any  thing, 
I  am!  from  pitch-and-toss  to  manslaughter." 

"I'm  afraid,"  said  Charles  Larkyns,  "that  we  can't 
accommodate  you  in  either  amusement,  although  we 
are  going  down  to  the  river,  with  which  Verdant 
wishes  to  renew  his  acquaintance.  Last  term,  you 
remember,  you  picked  him  up  in  the  Gut,  when  he 
had  been  played  with  at  pitch-and-toss  in  a  way  that 
very  nearly  resembled  manslaughter.'1 

"  I  remember,  I  remember,  how  old  Gig-lamps  floated 
by!"  said  Mr.  Bouncer;  "you  looked  like  a  half-bred 
mermaid,  Gig-lamps." 


258   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"But  the  gallant  youth,"  continued  Mr.  Larkyns, 
"undismayed  by  the  perils  from  which  he  was  then 
happily  preserved,  has  boldly  come  forward  and 
declared  himself  a  worshipper  of  Isis,  in  a  way  wor 
thy  of  the  ancient  Egyptians,  or  of  Tom  Moore's 
Epicurean." 


"Well!  stop  a  minute,  you  fellers,"  said  Mr.  Boun 
cer;  "I  must  have  my  beer  first:  I  can't  do  without 
my  Bass  relief.  I  'm  like  the  party  in  the  old  song, 
and  I  likes  a  drop  of  good  beer."  And  as  he  uncorked 
a  bottle  of  Bass,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  sang,  in  notes  as 
musical  as  those  produced  from  his  own  tin  horn  — 

"  'Twixt  wet  and  dry  I  always  try 
Between  the  extremes  to  steer ; 

Though  I  always  shrunk  from  getting intoxicated, 

I  was  always  fond  of  my  beer ! 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  259 

For  I  likes  a  drop  of  good  beer ! 
I  'm  particularly  partial  to  beer ! 

Porter  and  swipes 

Always  give  me  the stomach-ache  ! 

But  that 's  never  the  case  with  beer !  " 

"Bravo,  Harry!"  cried  Charles  Larkyns;  "you 
roar  us  an  'twere  any  nightingale.  It  would  do  old 
Bishop  Still's  heart  good  to  hear  you;  and  'sure  / 
think  that  you  can  drink  with  any  that  wears  a  hood,' 
or  that  will  wear  a  hood  when  you  take  your  Bache 
lor's,  and  put  on  your  gown."  And  Charles  Larkyns 
sang,  rather  more  musically  than  Mr.  Bouncer  had 
done,  from  that  song  which,  three  centuries  ago,  the 
Bishop  had  written  in  praise  of  good  ale,  — 

Let  back  and  side  go  bare,  go  bare, 

Both  hand  and  foot  go  cold : 
But,  belly,  God  send  thee  good  ale  enough, 

Whether  it  be  new  or  old. 

They  were  soon  down  at  the  river  side,  where 
Verdant  was  carefully  put  into  a  tub  (alas !  the  dear, 
awkward,  safe,  old  things  are  fast  passing  away;  they 
are  giving  place  to  suicidal  skiffs,  and  will  soon  be 
numbered  among  the  boats  of  other  days  ! )  —  and  was 
started  off  with  almost  as  much  difficulty  as  on  his 
first  essay.  The  tub  —  which  was,  indeed,  his  old 
friend  the  "  Sylph,"-- betrayed  an  awkward  propensity 
for  veering  round  towards  Folly  Bridge,  which  our 
hero  at  first  failed  to  overcome;  and  it  was  not  until 
he  had  performed  a  considerable  amount  of  crab-catch 
ing,  that  he  was  enabled  to  steer  himself  in  the  proper 
direction.  Charles  Larkyns  had  taken  his  seat  in  an 
outrigger  skiff  (so  frail  and  shaky  that  it  made  Verdant 
nervous  to  look  at  it),  and,  with  one  or  two  powerful 


260   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

strokes,  had  shot  ahead,  backed  water,  turned,  and 
pulled  back  round  the  tub  long  before  Verdant  had 
succeeded  in  passing  that  eccentric  mansion,  to  which 
allusion  has  before  been  made,  as  possessing  in  the 
place  of  cellars,  an  ingenious  system  of  small  rivers 
to  thoroughly  irrigate  its  foundation  —  a  hydropathic 
treatment  which  may  (or  may  not)  be  agreeable  in 


Venice,  but  strikes  one  as  being  decidedly  cold  and 
comfortless  when  applied  to  Oxford,  —  at  any  rate,  in 
the  month  of  November.  Walking  on  the  lawn  which 
stretched  from  this  house  towards  the  river,  our  hero 
espied  two  extremely  pretty  young  ladies,  whose  hearts 
he  endeavoured  at  once  to  take  captive  by  displaying 
all  his  powers  in  that  elegant  exercise  in  which  they 
saw  him  engaged.  It  may  reasonably  be  presumed 
that  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  hopes  were  doomed  to  be 
blighted. 

Let  us  leave  him,  and  take  a  look  at  Mr.  Bouncer. 

Mr.  Bouncer  had  been  content  to  represent  the 
prowess  of  his  college  in  the  cricket-field,  and  had 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  261 

never  aspired  to  any  fame  as  an  oar.  The  exertions, 
as  well  as  the  fame,  of  aquatic  honours,  he  had  left  to 
Mr.  Blades,  and  those  others  like  him,  who  considered 
it  a  trifle  to  pull  down  to  Iffley  and  back  again,  two  or 
three  times  a  day,  at  racing  pace  with  a  fresh  spurt 
put  on  every  five  minutes.  Mr.  Bouncer,  too,  had  an 
antipathy  to  eat  beefsteaks  otherwise  than  in  the  state 
in  which  they  are  usually  brought  to  table;  and,  as  it 
seemed  a  sine  qua  non  with  the  gentleman  who  super 
intended  the  training  for  the  boat-races,  that  his  pupils 
should  daily  devour  beefsteaks  which  had  merely 
looked  at  the  fire,  Mr.  Bouncer,  not  having  been 
brought  up  to  cannibal  habits,  was  unable  to  conform 
himself  to  this,  and  those  other  vital  principles  which 
seemed  to  regulate  the  science  of  aquatic  training. 
The  little  gentleman,  moreover,  did  not  join  with  the 
"Torpids"  (as  the  second  boats  of  a  college  are 
called),  either,  because  he  had  a  soul  above  them,  — 
he  would  be  aut  Ccesar,  ant  nullus  ;  either  in  the  eight, 
or  nowhere,  — or  else,  because  even  the  Torpids  would 
cause  him  more  trouble  and  pleasurable  pain  than  would 
be  agreeable  to  him.  When  Mr.  Bouncer  sat  down 
on  any  hard  substance,  he  liked  to  be  able  to  do  so 
without  betraying  any  emotion  that  the  action  caused 
him  personal  discomfort ;  and  he  had  noticed  that  many 
of  the  Torpids  —  not  to  mention  one  or  two  of  the 
eight  —  were  more  particular  than  young  men  usually 
are  about  having  a  very  easy,  soft,  and  yielding  chair 
to  sit  on. 

Mr.  Bouncer,  too,  was  of  opinion  that  continued  blis 
ters  were  both  unsightly  and  unpleasant ;  and  that 
rawness  was  bad  enough  when  taken  in  conjunction  with 
beefsteaks,  without  being  extended  to  one's  own  hands. 


262  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

He  had  also  a  summer  passion  for  ices  and  creams,  which 
were  forbidden  luxuries  to  one  in  training, — although 
(paradoxical  as  it  may  seem  to  say  so)  they  trained  on 
Isis !  He  had  also  acquired  a  bad  habit  of  getting  up 
in  one  day,  and  going  to  bed  in  the  next,  —  keeping 
late  hours,  and  only  rising  early  when  absolutely  com 
pelled  to  do  so  in  order  to  keep  morning  chapel — a 
habit  which  the  trainer  would  have  interfered  with 
considerably  to  the  little  gentleman's  advantage.  He 
had  also  an  amiable  weakness  for  pastry,  port,  claret, 
"  et  hock  genus  omne ;  "  and  would  have  felt  it  a  cruelty 
to  have  been  deprived  of  his  daily  modicum  of 
"  smoke  ;  "  and  in  all  these  points,  boat-training  would 
have  materially  interfered  with  his  comfort. 

Mr.  Bouncer,  therefore,  amused  himself  equally  as 
much  to  his  own  satisfaction  as  if  he  had  been  one  of 
the  envied  eight,  by  occasionally  paddling  about  with 
Charles  Larkyns  in  an  old  pair-oar,  built  by  Davis  and 
King,  and  bought  by  Mr.  Bouncer  of  its  late  Brazenfa- 
cian  proprietor,  when  that  gentleman,  after  a  humorous 
series  of  plucks,  rustications,  and  heavy  debts,  had 
finally  been  compelled  to  migrate  to  the  King's  Bench, 
for  that  purification  of  purse  and  person  commonly 
designated  "  whitewashing."  When  Charles  Larkyns 
and  his  partner  did  not  use  their  pair-oar,  the  former 
occupied  his  outrigger  skiff;  and  the  latter,  taking  Huz 
and  Buz  on  board  a  sailing  boat,  tacked  up  and  down 
the  river  with  great  skill,  the  smoke  gracefully  curling 
from  his  meerschaum  or  short  black  pipe,  —  for  Mr. 
Bouncer  disapproved  of  smoking  cigars  at  those  times 
when  the  wind  would  have  assisted  him  to  get  through 
them. 

"  Hullo,  Gig-lamps !  here  we  are !  as  the  clown  says 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


263 


in  the  pantermime,"  sung  out  the  little  gentleman  as  he 
came  up  with  our  hero,  who  was  performing  some 
extraordinary  feats  in  full  sight  of  the  University  crew, 
who  were  just  starting  from  their  barge;  "you  get  no 
end  of  exercise  out  of  your  tub,  I  should  think,  by  the 


style  you  work  those  paddles.  They  go  in  and  out 
beautiful!  Splish,  splash;  splish,  splash!  You  must 
be  one  of  the  wherry  identical  Row-brothers-row,  whose 
voices  kept  tune  and  whose  oars  kept  time,  you  know. 
You  ought  to  go  and  splish-splash  in  the  Freshman's 
River,  Gig-lamps;  but  I  forgot  —  you  ain't  a  freshman 
now,  are  you,  old  feller?  Those  swells  in  the  University 
boats  look  as  though  they  were  bursting  with  envy- 
not  to  say,  with  laughter,"  added  Mr.  Bouncer,  sotto  voce. 
"  Who  taught  you  to  do  the  dodge  in  such  a  stunning 
way,  Gig-lamps?  " 

"Why,  last  term,  Charles  Larkyns  did,"  responded 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  with  the  freshness  of  a  Freshman 
still  lingering  lovingly  upon  him.  "  I  've  not  forgotten 
what  he  told  me,  —  to  put  in  my  oar  deep,  and  to  bring 


264  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

it  out  with  a  jerk.  But  though  I  make  them  go  as  deep 
as  I  can,  and  jerk  them  out  as  much  as  possible,  yet  the 
boat  will  keep  turning  round,  and  I  can't  keep  it 
straight  at  all ;  and  the  oars  are  very  heavy  and  unman 
ageable,  and  keep  slipping  out  of  the  rowlocks  - 

"  Commonly  called  rutlocks"  put  in  Mr.  Bouncer,  as 
a  parenthetical  correction,  or  marginal  note  on  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green's  words. 

"  And  when  the  Trinity  boat  went  by,  I  could  scarcely 
get  out  of  their  way;  and  they  said  very  unpleasant 
things  to  me;  and,  altogether,  I  can  assure  you  that  it 
has  made  me  very  hot." 

"And  a  capital  thing,  too,  Gig-lamps,  this  cold 
November  day,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer;  "I'm  obliged  to 
keep  my  coppers  warm  with  this  pea-coat,  and  my  pipe. 
Charley  came  alongside  me  just  now,  on  purpose  to  fire 
off  one  of  his  poetical  quotations.  He  said  that 
reminded  him  of  Beattie's  '  Minstrel ' :  - 

*  Dainties  he  heeded  not,  nor  gaud,  nor  toy, 
Save  one  short  pipe.' 

I  think  that  was  something  like  it.  But  you  see,  Gig- 
lamps,  I  haven't  got  a  figure-head  for  these  sort  of 
things  like  Charley  has,  so  I  could  n't  return  his  shot; 
but  since  then,  to  me  deeply  pondering,  as  those  old 
Greek  parties  say,  a  fine  sample  of  our  superior  old 
crusted  jokes  has  come  to  hand ;  and  when  Charley 
next  pulls  alongside,  I  shall  tell  him  that  I  am  like  that 
beggar  we  read  about  in  old  Slowcoach's  lecture  the 
other  day,  and  that,  if  I  had  been  in  the  humour,  I 
could  have  sung  out,  lo  Bacche  !  *  I  owe  baccy  -  d'  ye 

i "  Si  collibuisset,  ab  ovo 

Usque  ad  mala  citaret,  lo  Bacche !  "  -  Hor.  Sat.  lib.  i.  3- 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


265 


see  Gig-lamps?  Well,  old  feller!  you  look  rather 
puffed,  so  clap  on  your  coat;  and,  if  there's  a  rope's 
end,  or  a  chain,  in  your  tub,  and  you  '11  just  pay  it  out 
here,  I  '11  make  you  fast  astern,  and  pull  you  down  the 
river;  and  then  you'll  be  in  prime  condition  to  work 
yourself  up  again.  The  wind 's  in  our  back,  and  we  shall 

get  on  jolly." 

So  our  hero  made  fast  the  tub  to  his  friend  s  sailing- 
boat,  and  was  towed  as  far  as  the  Haystack. 
the  voyage  Mr.  Bouncer 
ascertained      that     Mr. 
Charles     Larkyns     had 
improved    some   of  the 
shining  hours  of  the  long 
vacation  considerably  to 
Mr.     Verdant     Green's 
benefit,  by  teaching  him 
the  art  of  swimming  - 
a  polite  accomplishment 
of  which  our  hero   had 
been  hitherto   ignorant. 
Little    Mr.  Bouncer, 
therefore,  felt   easier   in 
his   mind,  if  any  repeti 
tion    of  his  involuntary 
bath  in   the  Gut  should 
befall   our    hero  ;     and, 
after   giving   him  (won 
derful  to  say)  some  correct  advice  regarding  the  man 
agement  of  the  oars,  he  cast  off  the  "  Sylph,"   and  left 
her  and  our  hero  to  their  own  devices.     But,  profiting 
by  the  friendly  hints  which  he  had  received,  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  made  considerable  progress  in  the  skill  and 


266  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

dexterity  with  which  he  feathered  his  oars ;  and  he  sat 
in  his  tub  looking  as  wise  as  Diogenes  may  (perhaps) 
have  done  in  his.  He  moreover  pulled  the  boat  back 
to  Hall's  without  meeting  with  any  accident  worth  men 
tioning  ;  and  when  he  had  got  on  shore  he  was  highly 
complimented  by  Mr.  Blades  and  a  group  of  boating 
gentlemen  "  for  the  admirable  display  of  science  which 
he  had  afforded  them." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  afterwards  taken  alternately 
by  Charles  Larkyns  and  Mr.  Bouncer  in  their  pair-oar; 
so  that,  by  the  end  of  the  term,  he  at  any  rate  knew 
more  of  boating  than  to  accept  as  one  of  its  fundamental 
rules,  "  put  your  oar  in  deep,  and  bring  it  out  with  a 
jerk." 

In  the  first  week  in  December  he  had  an  opportunity 
of  pulling  over  a  fresh  piece  of  water.  One  of  those 
inundations  occurred  to  which  Oxford  is  so  liable,  and 
the  meadow-land  to  the  south  and  west  of  the  city  was 
covered  by  the  flood.  Boats  plied  to  and  from  the  rail 
way  station  in  place  of  omnibuses;  the  Great  Western 
was  not  to  be  seen  for  water;  and,  at  the  Abingdon- 
road  bridge,  at  Cold-harbour,  the  rails  were  washed 
away,  and  the  trains  brought  to  a  stand-still.  The  Isis 
was  amplified  to  the  width  of  the  Christ-church  mead 
ows  ;  the  Broad  Walk  had  a  peep  of  itself  upside  down 
in  the  glassy  mirror;  the  windings  of  the  Cherwell 
could  only  be  traced  by  the  trees  on  its  banks.  There 
was 

"  Water,  water  everywhere  ;  " 

and  a  disagreeable  quantity  of  it  too,  as  those  Christ- 
church  men  whose  ground-floor  rooms  were  towards 
the  meadows  soon  discovered.  Mr.  Bouncer  is  sup 
posed  to  have  brought  out  one  of  his  "  fine,  old,  crusted 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


267 


jokes,"  when  he  asserted  in  reference  to  the  inunda 
tion,  that  "  Nature  had  assumed  a  lake  complexion." 
Posts  and  rails,  and  hay,  and  a  miscellaneous  collection 
of  articles,  were  swept  along  by  the  current,  together 
with  the  bodies  of  hapless  sheep  and  pigs.  But,  in 
spite  of  these  incumbrances,  boats  of  all  descriptions 
were  to  be  seen  sailing,  pulling,  skiffing,  and  punting, 


CJ 


over  the   flooded   meadows.     Numerous  were  the   dis 
asters,  and  many  were  the  boats  that  were  upset. 

Indeed,  the  adventures  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  would 
probably  have  here  terminated  in  a  misadventure,  had 
he  not  (thanks  to  Charles  Larkyns)  mastered  the  art  of 
swimming;  for  he  was  in  Mr.  Bouncer's  sailing-boat, 
which  was  sailing  very  merrily  over  the  flood,  when  its 
merriness  was  suddenly  checked  by  its  grounding  on  the 
stump  of  a  lopped  pollard  willow,  and  forthwith  capsiz 
ing.  Our  hero,  who  had  been  sitting  in  the  bows,  was 
at  once  swept  over  by  the  sail,  and,  for  a  moment,  was 
in  great  peril;  but,  disengaging  himself  from  the  cord- 


268   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

age,  he  struck  out,  and  swam  to  a  willow  whose  friendly 
boughs  and  top  had  just  formed  an  asylum  for  Mr. 
Bouncer,  who  in  great  anxiety  was  coaxing  Huz  and 
Buz  to  swim  to  the  same  ark  of  safety. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr.  Bouncer  were  speedily 
rescued  from  their  position,  and  were  not  a  little  thank 
ful  for  their  escape. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

MR.   VERDANT   GREEN   PARTAKES   OF   A   DOVE-TART 
AND   A   SPREAD-EAGLE. 

HULLO,  Gig-lamps,  you  lazy  beggar !  "  said  the 
cheery  voice  of  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he 
walked  into  our  hero's  bedroom  one  morning  towards 
the  end  of  term,  and  found  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in  bed, 
though  sufficiently  awakened  by  the  sounding  of  Mr. 
Bouncer's  octaves  for  the  purposes  of  conversation ; 
"  this  '11  never  do,  you  know,  Gig-lamps  !  Cutting 
chapel  to  do  the  downy !  Why,  what  do  you  mean,  sir? 
Didn't  you  ever  learn  in  the  nursery  what  happened 
to  old  Daddy  Longlegs  when  he  would  n  't  say  his 
prayers?" 


2/O  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"  Robert  did call  me,"  said  our  hero,  rubbing  his  eyes ; 
"  but  I  felt  tired,  so  I  told  him  to  put  in  an  ceger" 

"  Upon  my  word,  young  'un,"  observed  Mr.  Bouncer, 
"  you  're  a  coming  it,  you  are  !  and  only  in  your  second 
term,  too.  What  makes  you  wear  a  nightcap,  Gig- 
lamps?  Is  it  to  make  your  hair  curl,  or  to  keep  your 


venerable  head  warm?  Nightcaps  ain't  healthy;  they 
are  only  fit  for  long-tailed  babbies,  and  old  birds  that 
are  as  bald  as  coots ;  or  else  for  gents  that  grease  their 
wool  with  '  thine  incomparable  oil,  Macassar,'  as  the 
noble  poet  justly  remarks. 

"  It  ain'  t  always  pleasant,"  continued  the  little  gentle 
man,  who  was  perched  up  on  the  side  of  the  bed,  and 
seemed  in  a  communicative  disposition,  "  it  ain't  always 
pleasant  to  turn  out  for  morning  chapel,  is  it,  Gig- 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


271 


lamps?  But  it 's  just  like  the  eels  with  their  skinning: 
it  goes  against  the  grain  at  first,  but  you  soon  get  used 
to  it.  When  I  first  came  up,  I  was  a  frightful  lazy 
beggar,  and  I  got  such  a  heap  of  impositions  for  not 
keeping  my  morning  chapels,  that  I  was  obliged  to 
have  three  fellers  constantly  at  work  writing  'em  out  for 
me.  This  was  rather  expensive,  you  see ;  and  then  the 
dons  threatened  to  take  away  my  term  altogether,  and 


bring  me  to  grief,  if  I  didn't  be  more  regular.  So  I 
was  obliged  to  make  a  virtuous  resolution,  and  I  told 
Robert  that  he  was  to  insist  on  my  getting  up  in  a 
morning,  and  I  should  tip  him  at  the  end  of  term  if  he 
succeeded.  So  at  first  he  used  to  come  and  hammer 
at  the  door;  but  that  was  no  go.  So  then  he  used  to 
come  in  and  shake  me,  and  try  to  pull  the  clothes  off; 
but,  you  see,  I  always  used  to  prepare  for  him,  by  tak 
ing  a  good  supply  of  boots  and  things  to  bed  with  me; 
so  I  was  able  to  take  shies  at  the  beggar  till  he  vanished, 
and  left  me  to  snooze  peaceably.  You  see,  it  ain't 
every  feller  as  likes  to  have  a  Wellington  boot  at  his 
18 


272   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

head  ;  but  that  rascal  ot  a  Robert  is  used  to  those  trifles, 
and  I  was  obliged  to  try  another  dodge.  This  you 
know  was  only  of  a  morning  when  I  was  in  bed.  When 
I  had  had  my  breakfast,  and  got  my  imposition,  and 
become  virtuous  again,  I  used  to  slang  him  awful  for 
having  let  me  cut  chapel ;  and  then  I  told  him  that  he 
must  always  stand  at  the  door  until  he  heard  me  out  of 
bed.  But,  when  the  morning  came,  it  seemed  running 
such  a  risk,  you  see,  to  one's  lungs  and  all  those  sort 
of  things  to  turn  out  of  the  warm  bed  into  the  cold 
chapel,  that  I  would  answer  Robert  when  he  hammered 
at  the  door;  but,  instead  of  getting  up,  I  would  knock 
my  boots  against  the  floor,  as  though  I  was  out  of  bed, 
don't  you  see,  and  was  padding  about.  But  that  wretch 
of  a  Robert  was  too  old  a  bird  to  be  caught  with  this 
dodge ;  so  he  used  to  sing  out,  '  You  must  show  a  leg, 
sir!  '  and,  as  he  kept  on  hammering  at  the  door  till  I 
did —  for,  you  see,  Gig-lamps,  he  was  looking  out  for  the 
tip  at  the  end  of  term,  so  it  made  him  persevere  — 
and  as  his  beastly  hammering  used,  of  course,  to  put  a 
stopper  on  my  going  to  sleep  again,  I  used  to  rush  out 
in  a  frightful  state  of  wax,  and  show  a  leg.  And  then, 
being  well  up,  you  see,  it  was  no  use  doing  the  downy 
again,  so  it  was  just  as  well  to  make  one's  twilight  and 
go  to  chapel.  Don't  gape,  Gig-lamps ;  it 's  beastly  rude, 
and  I  have  n't  done  yet.  I  'm  going  to  tell  you  another 
dodge—  one  of  old  Smalls'.  He  invested  money  in  an 
alarum,  with  a  string  from  it  tied  on  to  the  bed-clothes, 
so  as  to  pull  them  off  at  whatever  time  you  chose  to 
set  it.  But  I  never  saw  the  fun  of  being  left  high  and 
dry  on  your  bed:  it  would  be  a  shock  to  the  system 
which  1  could  n't  stand.  But  even  this  dreadful  expe 
dient  would  be  better  than  posting  an  ager  ;  which,  you 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  273 

know,  you  didn't  ought  to  was,  Gig-lamps.  Well,  turn 
out,  old  feller !  I  Ve  told  Robert  to  take  your  com 
mons  1  into  my  room.  Smalls  and  Charley  are  coming, 
and  I  Ve  got  a  dove-tart  and  a  spread-eagle." 

"  Whatever  are  they?  "  asked  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

"Not  know  what  they  are!"  cried  Mr.  Bouncer; 
"  why  a  dove-tart  is  what  mortals  call  a  pigeon-pie.  I 
ain't  much  in  Tennyson's  line,  but  it  strikes  me  that 
dove-tarts  are  more  poetical  than  the  other  thing; 
spread-eagle  is  a  barn-door  fowl  smashed  out  flat,  and 
made  jolly  with  mushroom  sauce,  and  no  end  of  good 
things.  I  don't  know  how  they  squash  it,  but  I  should 
say  that  they  sit  upon  it;  I  daresay,  if  we  were  to 
inquire,  we  should  find  that  they  kept  a  fat  feller  on 
purpose.  But  you  just  come,  and  try  how  it  eats." 
And,  as  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  bedroom  barely  afforded 
standing  room,  even  for  one,  Mr.  Bouncer  walked  into 
the  sitting-room,  while  his  friend  arose  from  his  couch 
like  a  youthful  Adonis,  and  proceeded  to  bathe  his 
ambrosial  person,  by  taking  certain  sanatory  measures 
in  splashing  about  in  a  species  of  tub  —  a  performance 
which  Mr.  Bouncer  was  wont  to  term  "  doincf  tumbies." 

o 

-"  What  '11  you  take  for  your  letters,  Gig-lamps?" 
called  out  the  little  gentleman  from  the  other  room ; 
"the  Post's  in,  and  here  are  three  for  you.  Two  are 
from  women,  — young  uns  I  should  say,  from  the  regu- 

1  The  rations  of  bread,  butter,  and  milk,  supplied  from  the  but 
tery.  The  breakfast-giver  tells  his  scout  the  names  of  those 
///-college  men  who  are  coming  to  breakfast  with  him.  The  scout 
then  collects  their  commons,  which  thus  forms  the  substratum  of 
the  entertainment.  The  other  things  are  of  course  supplied  by  the 
giver  of  the  breakfast,  and  are  sent  in  by  the  confectioner.  As  to 
the  knives  and  forks  and  crockery,  the  scout  produces  them  from 
his  common  stock. 


2/4  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

lar  ups  and  downs,  and  right  angles:  they  look  like 
billyduxes.  Give  you  a  bob  for  them,  at  a  venture ! 
they  may  be  funny.  The  other  is  suspiciously  like  a 
tick,  and  ought  to  be  looked  shy  on.  I  should  advise 
you  not  to  open  it,  but  to  pitch  it  in  the  fire :  it  may 
save  a  fit  of  the  blues.  If  you  want  any  help  over  shaving, 
just  say  so,  Gig-lamps,  will  you,  before  I  go  ;  and  then  I  '11 
hold  your  nose  for  you,  or  do  any  thing  else  that 's  civil 
and  accommodating.  And,  when  you  Ve  done  your 
tumbies,  come  in  to  the  dove-tart  and  the  spread-eagle." 
And  off  went  Mr.  Bouncer,  making  terrible  noises  with 
his  post-horn,  in  his  strenuous  but  futile  endeavours  to 
discover  the  octaves. 

Our  hero  soon  concluded  his  "  tumbies"  and  his 
dressing  (not  including  the  shaving),  and  made  his  way 
to  Mr.  Bouncer's  rooms,  where  he  did  full  justice  to  the 
dove-tart,  and  admired  the  spread-eagle  so  much,  that 
he  thought  of  bribing  the  confectioner  for  the  recipe  to 
take  home  as  a  Christmas-box  for  his  mother. 

"  Well,  Gig-lamps,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  when  breakfast 
was  over,  "to  spare  the  blushes  on  your  venerable 
cheeks,  I  won't  even  so  much  as  refer  to  the  billyduxes ; 
but,  I  '11  only  ask,  what  was  the  damage  of  the  tick?  " 

"  Oh  !  it  was  not  a  bill,"  replied  Mr.  Verdant  Green  ; 
•'  it  was  a  letter  about  a  dog  from  the  man  of  whom  I 
bought  Mop  last  term." 

"What!  Filthy  Lucre?  "  cried  Mr.  Bouncer;  "well, 
I  thought,  somehow,  I  knew  the  fist !  he  writes  just  as 
if  he  'd  learnt  from  imitating  his  dogs'  hind-legs.  Let 's 
have  a  sight  of  it  if  it  ain't  private  and  confidential !  " 

"  Oh  dear  no !  on  the  contrary,  I  was  going  to  show 
it  to  you,  and  ask  your  advice  on  the  contents."  And 
Verdant  handed  to  Mr.  Bouncer  a  letter,  which  had 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  275 

been  elaborately  sealed  with  the  aid  of  a  key,  and  was 
directed  high  up  in  the  left-hand  corner  to 

"  Virdon  grene  esqre  braisenface 
collidge  Oxford." 

"  You  look  beastly  lazy,  Charley !  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer 
to  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns;  "  so,  while  I  fill  my  pipe,  just 
spit  out  the  letter,  pro  bono"  And  Charles  Larkyns, 
lying  in  Mr.  Bouncer's  easiest  lounging  chair,  read  as 
follows :  — 

"  Onnerd  sir  i  tak  the  libbaty  of  a  Dressin  of  you  in  respex  of 
A  dog  which  i  wor  sorry  For  to  ear  of  your  Loss  in  mop  which  i 
had  The  pleshur  of  Sellin  of  2  you  onnerd  sir  A  going  astray  And 
not  a  turnin  hup  Bein  of  A  unsurtin  Temper  and  guv  to  A  folarin 
of  strandgers  which  wor  maybe  as  ow  You  wor  a  lusein  on  him 
onnerd  Sir  bein  Overdogd  at  this  ere  present  i  can  let  you  have  A 
rale  good  teryer  at  A  barrging  which  wold  giv  sattefacshun  onnered 
Sir  it  wor  12  munth  ago  i  Sold  to  Bounser  esqre  a  red  smooth  air 
terier  Dog  anserin  2  nam  of  Tug  as  wor  rite  down  goodun  and  No 
mistake  onnerd  Sir  the  purpurt  Of  this  ere  is  too  say  as  ow  i 
have  a  Hone  brother  to  Tug  black  tann  and  ful  ears  and  If  you 
wold  like  him  i  shold  bee  prowd  too  wate  on  you  onnerd  Sir  he 
wor  by  robbingsons  Twister  out  of  mister  jones  of  abingdons  Fan 
of  witch  brede  Bounser  esqre  nose  on  the  merritts  onnerd  Sir  he 
is  very  Smal  and  smooth  air  and  most  xlent  aither  for  wood  Or 
warter  a  liter  before  Tug  onnerd  Sir  is  nam  is  Vermin  and  he 
hant  got  his  nam  by  no  mistake  as  No  Vermin  not  even  poll  katts 
can  live  long  before  him  onnerd  Sir  I  considders  as  vermin  is 
very  sootble  compannion  for  a  Gent  indors  or  hout  and  bein  lively 
wold  give  amoosement  i  shall  fele  it  A  plesure  a  waitin  on  you 
onnerd  Sir  opin  you  will  pardin  the  libbaty  of  a  Dressin  of  you 
but  my  head  wor  ful  of  vermin  and  i  wishd  to  tel  you 
"  onnerd  Sir  yures 

2  komand  j.  Looker." 

"  The  nasty  beggar  !  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  in  reference 
to  the  last  paragraph.  "Well,  Gig-lamps!  Filthy 


2/6  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Lucre  does  n't  tell  fibs  when  he  says  that  Tug  came  of 
a  good  breed :  but  he  was  so  doosed  pugnacious,  that 
he  was  always  having  set-to's  with  Huz  and  Buz,  in  the 
coal-shop  just  outside  the  door  here;  and  so,  as  I'd 


nowhere  else  to  stow  them,  I  was  obliged  to  give  Tug 
away.  Dr.  What's-his-name  says,  '  Let  dogs  delight 
to  bark  and  bite,  for  't  is  their  nature  to.'  But  then, 
you  see,  it's  only  a  delight  when  they  bite  somebody 
else's  dog ;  and  if  Dr.  What's-his-name  had  had  a  ken 
nel  of  his  own,  he  would  n't  have  took  it  so  coolly;  and, 
whether  it  was  their  nature  so  to  do  or  not,  he  would  n't 
have  let  the  little  beggars,  that  he  fork'd  out  thirteen 
bob  a-year  for  to  the  government,  amuse  themselves  by 
biting  each  other,  or  tearing  out  each  other's  eyes;  he'd 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  2/7 

have  turn'd  them  over,  don't  you  see,  to  his  neighbours* 
dogs,  and  have  let  them  do  the  biting  department  on 
them.  And,  altogether,  Gig-lamps,  I  'd  advise  you  to 
let  Filthy  Lucre's  Vermin  alone,  and  have  nothing  to  do 
with  the  breed." 

So  Mr.  Verdant  Green  took  his  friend's  advice,  and 
then  took  himself  off  to  learn  boxing  at  the  hands,  and 
gloves,  of  the  Putney  Pet ;  for  our  hero,  at  the  sugges 
tion  of  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns,  had  thought  it  advisable  to 
receive  a  few  lessons  in  the  fistic  art,  in  order  that  he 
might  be  the  better  able  to  defend  himself,  should  he  be 
engaged  in  a  second  Town  and  Gown.  He  found  the 
Pet  in  attendance  upon  Mr.  Foote  ;  and,  by  their  mutual 
aid,  speedily  mastered  the  elements  of  the  Art  of  Self- 
defence. 

Mr.  Foote's  rooms  at  St.  John's  were  in  the  further 
corner  to  the  right-hand  side  of  the  Quad,  and  had  win 
dows  looking  into  the  gardens.  When  Charles  had  held 
his  Court  at  St.  John's,  and  when  the  loyal  College  had 
melted  down  its  plate  to  coin  into  money  for  the  King's 
necessities,  the  Royal  visitor  had  occupied  these  very 
rooms.  But  it  was  not  on  this  account  alone  that  they 
were  the  show  rooms  of  the  College,  and  that  tutors 
sent  their  compliments  to  Mr.  Foote,  with  the  request 
that  he  would  allow  a  party  of  friends  to  see  his  rooms. 
It  was  chiefly  on  account  of  the  lavish  manner  in  which 
Mr.  Foote  had  furnished  his  rooms,  with  what  he  theatri 
cally  called  "  properties,"  that  made  them  so  sought 
out ;  and  country  lionisers  of  Oxford,  who  took  their 
impressions  of  an  Oxford  student's  room  from  those  of 
Mr.  Foote,  must  have  entertained  very  highly  coloured 
ideas  of  the  internal  aspect  of  the  sober-looking  old 
Colleges. 


2/8   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

The  sitting-room  was  large  and  lofty,  and  was  panelled 
with  oak  throughout.  At  the  further  end  was  an  elabo 
rately  carved  book-case  of  walnut  wood,  filled  with 
books  gorgeously  bound  in  every  tint  of  morocco  and 
vellum,  with  their  backs  richly  tooled  in  gold.  It  was 
currently  reported  in  the  College  that  "  Footelights  " 
had  given  an  order  for  a  certain  number  of  feet  of  books, 
-  not  being  at  all  proud  as  to  theineontents,  —  and  had 
laid  down  the  sum  of  a  thousand  pounds  (or  there 
abouts)  for  their  binding.  This  might  have  been 
scandal ;  but  the  fact  of  his  father  being  a  Colossus  of 
(the  iron)  Roads,  and  indulging  his  son  and  heir  in 
every  expense,  gave  some  colour  to  the  rumour. 

The  panels  were  covered  with  the  choicest  engravings 
(all  proofs-befo re-letters),  and  with  water-colour  draw 
ings  by  Cattermole,  Cox,  Fripp,  Hunt,  and  Frederick 
Tayler  —  their  wide,  white  margins  being  sunk  in  light 
gilt  frames.  Above  these  gleamed  groups  of  armour, 
standing  out  effectively  (and  theatrically),  against  the 
dark  oak  panels,  and  full  of  "  reflected  lights,"  that 
would  have  gladdened  the  heart  of  Maclise.  There 
were  couches  of  velvet,  and  lounging  chairs  of  every 
variety  and  shape.  There  was  a  Broadwood's  grand 
piano-forte,  on  which  Mr.  Foote,  although  uninstructed, 
could  play  skilfully.  There  were  round  tables  and 
square  tables,  and  writing  tables ;  and  there  were  side 
tables  with  statuettes,  and  Swiss  carvings,  and  old  china, 
and  gold  apostle-spoons,  and  lava  ware,  and  Etruscan 
vases,  and  a  swarm  of  Spiers's  elegant  knick-knackeries. 
There  were  reading-stands  of  all  sorts;  Briarean-armed 
brazen  ones  that  fastened  on  to  the  chair  you  sat  in,  — 
sloping  ones  to  rest  on  the  table  before  you,  elaborately 
carved  in  open  work,  and  an  upright  one  of  severe 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  2/9 

Gothic,  like  a  lectern,  where  you  were  to  stand  and  read 
without  contracting  your  chest.  Then  there  were  all 
kinds  of  stands  to  hold  books  :  sliding  ones,  expanding 
ones,  portable  ones,  heavy  fixture  ones,  plain  mahogany 
ones,  and  oak  ones  made  glorious  by  Margetts  with  the 
arms  of  Oxford  and  St.  John's,  carved  and  emblazoned 
on  the  ends. 

Mr.  Foote's   rooms  were   altogether  a  very  gorgeous 
instance  of  a  Collegian's  apartment ;  and  Mr.  Foote  him 
self  was  a  very  striking  example  of  the  theatrical  under 
graduate.      Possessing    great    powers  of    mimicry  and 
facial  expression,  he  was  able  to  imitate  any  peculiarities 
which  were  to  be  observed  either  in  Dons  or  Under 
graduates,  in  Presidents  or  Scouts.     He  could  sit  down 
at  his  piano,  and  give  you  —  after  the  manner  of  Theo 
dore  Hook,  or  John  Parry —  a  burlesque  opera;  singing 
high  up   in  his   head  for  the  prima   donna,  and   going 
down  to  his  boots  for  the  basso  profondo  of  the  great 
Lablache.     He  could  also  draw  corks,  saw  wood,  do  a 
bee  in  a  handkerchief,  and  make  monkeys,  cats,  dogs,  a 
farm-yard,  or  a  full  band,  with  equal  facility.    He  would 
also  give  you  Mr.  Keeley,  in  "  Betsy  Baker;  "   Mr.  Paul 
Bedford,  as  "  I  believe  you  my  bo-o-oy;  "     Mr.  Buck- 
stone,  as  Cousin  Joe,   and   "Box   and  Cox;"   or    Mr. 
Wright,  as  Paul  Pry,  or  Mr.  Felix  Fluffy.     Besides  the 
comedians,   Mr.   Footelights  would  also  give  you    the 
leading  tragedians,  and  would  favour  you  (through  his 
nose)    with   the    popular   burlesque    imitation    of    Mr. 
Charles  Kean,  as  H ablet.     He  would  fling  himself  down 
on  the  carpet,  and  grovel  there,  as  Hamlet  does  in  the 
play-scene,  and  would  exclaim,  with  frantic  vehemence, 
"  He   poisods   hib   i'   the  garded,  for   his    estate.     His 
dabe's  Godzago :   the  story  is  extadt,  ad  writted  id  very 


280  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

choice  Italiad.  You  shall  see  adod,  how  the  burderer 
gets  the  love  of  Godzago's  wife."  Moreover,  as  his 
room  possessed  the  singularity  of  a  trap-door  leading 
down  into  a  wine-cellar,  Mr.  "  Footelights  "  was  thus 
enabled  to  leap  down  into  the  aperture,  and  carry  on 
the  personation  of  Hamlet  in  Ophelia's  grave.  As  the 
theatrical  trait  in  his  character  was  productive  of  much 
amusement,  and  as  he  was  also  considered  to  be  one  of 
those  hilarious  fragments  of  masonry,  popularly  known 
as  "  jolly  bricks,"  Mr.  Foote's  society  was  greatly  culti 
vated ;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  struck  up  a  warm 
friendship  with  him. 

But  the  Michaelmas  term  was  drawing  to  its  close. 
Buttery  and  kitchen  books  were  adding  up  their  sums 
total;  bursars  were  preparing  for  battels;  l  witless  men 
were  cramming  for  Collections ;  2  scouts  and  bedmakers 
were  looking  for  tips ;  and  tradesmen  were  hopelessly 
expecting  their  little  accounts.  And,  in  a  few  days, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  might  have  been  seen  at  the  railway 
station,  in  company  with  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  and  Mr. 
Bouncer,  setting  out  for  the  Manor  Green,  via  London 

this  being,  as  is  well  known,  the  most  direct  route 

from  Oxford  to  Warwickshire. 

Mr.  Bouncer,  who  when  travelling  was  never  easy  in 
his  mind  unless  Huz  and  Buz  were  with  him  in  the  same 
carriage,  had  placed  these  two  interesting  specimens  of 

1  Battels  are  the  accounts  of  the  expenses  of  each  student.  It  is 
stated  in  Todd's  "  Johnson  "  that  this  singular  word  is  derived  from 
the  Saxon  verb,  meaning  "  to  count  or  reckon."  But  it  is  stated 
in  the  Gentleman's  Magazine  for  1792,  that  the  word  may  pro- 
bably  be  derived  from  the  Low-German  word  bettohk*,  "  to  pay,' 
whence  may  come  our  English  word,  tale  or  score. 
2  College  Terminal  Examinations. 


AN    OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE. 


28l 


the  canine  species  in  a  small  light  box,  partially  venti 
lated  by  means  of  holes  drilled  through  the  top.  But 
Huz  and  Buz,  not  much  admiring  this  contracted  mode 
of  conveyance,  and  probably  suffering  from  incipient 
asphyxia,  in  spite  of  the  admonitory  kicks  against  their 
box,  gave  way  to  dismal  howls,  at  the  very  moment 
when  the  guard  came  to  look  at  the  tickets. 

"  Can't  allow  dogs  in  here,  sir!  they  must  go  in  the 
locker,"  said  the  guard. 

"Dogs?"  cried  Mr.  Bouncer,  in  apparent  astonish 
ment  :  "  they  're  rabbits  !  " 

"  Rabbits !  "  ejaculated  the  guard,  in  his  turn.  "  Oh, 
come,  sir!  what  makes  rabbits  bark?  " 

"  What  makes  'em  bark?  Why,  because  they  've  got 
the  pip,  poor  beggars  !  "  replied  Mr.  Bouncer,  promptly. 
At  which  the  guard  graciously  laughed,  and  retired; 
probably  thinking  that  he  should,  in  the  end,  be  a 
gainer  if  he  allowed  Huz  and  Buz  to  journey  in  the 
same  first-class  carriage  with  their  master. 


282   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

MR.     VERDANT    GREEN    SPENDS    A    MERRY    CHRISTMAS 
AND    A    HAPPY    NEW   YEAR. 

CHRISTMAS  had 
come ;  the  season  of 
kindness,  and  hospi- 
t  a  1  i  t  y ;  the  season 
when  the  streams  of 
benevolence  flow  full 
in  their  channels  ;  the 
season  when  the  Hon 
ourable  Miss  Hyems 
indulges  herself  with 
ice,  while  the  vulgar 
Jack  Frost  regales 
himself  with  cold- 
without.  Christmas 
had  come,  and  had 
brought  with  it  an 
old  fashioned  winter; 
and,  as  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  stands  with  his 
hands  in  his  pockets, 
and  gazes  from  the 

drawing-room  of  his  paternal  mansion,  he  looks  forth 

upon  a  white  world. 


AN   OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE.  283 

The  snow  is  everywhere.  The  shrubs  are  weighed 
down  by  masses  of  it;  the  terrace  is  knee-deep  in  it; 
the  plaster  Apollo,  in  the  long-walk,  is  more  than  knee- 
deep  in  it,  and  is  furnished  with  a  surplice  and  wig,  like 
a  half-blown  Bishop.  The  distant  country  looks  the 
very  ghost  of  a  landscape :  the  white-walled  cottages 
seem  part  and  parcel  of  the  snow-drifts  around  them,- 
drifts  that  take  every  variety  of  form,  and  are  swept  by 
the  wind  into  faery  wreaths,  and  fantastic  caves.  The 
old  mill-wheel  is  locked  fast,  and  gemmed  with  giant 
icicles ;  its  slippery  stairs  are  more  slippery  than  ever. 
Golden  gorse  and  purple  heather  are  now  all  of  a 
colour ;  orchards  put  forth  blossoms  of  real  snow ;  the 
gently  swelling  hills  look  bright  and  dazzling  in  the 
wintry  sun  ;  the  grey  church  tower  has  grown  from 
grey  to  white;  nothing  looks  black,  except  the  swarms 
of  rooks  that  dot  the  snowy  fields,  or  make  their  caws 
(long  as  any  Chancery-suit)  to  be  heard  from  among 
the  dark  branches  of  the  stately  elms  that  form  the 
avenue  to  the  Manor-Green. 

It  is  a  rare  busy  time  for  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  the 
gardener!  he  is  always  sweeping  at  that  avenue,  and,  do 
what  he  will,  he  cannot  keep  it  clear  from  snow.  As 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  looks  forth  upon  the  white  world, 
his  gaze  is  more  particularly  directed  to  this  avenue,  as 
though  the  form  of  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  was  an 
object  of  interest.  From  time  to  time  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  consults  his  watch  in  a  nervous  manner,  and  is 
utterly  indifferent  to  the  appeals  of  the  robin-redbreast 
who  is  hopping  about  outside,  in  expectation  of  the  din 
ner  which  has  been  daily  given  to  him. 

Just  when  the  robin,  emboldened  by  hunger,  has 
begun  to  tap  fiercely  with  his  bill  against  the  window- 


284  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


pane,  as  a  gentle  hint  that  the  smallest  donations  oi 
crumbs  of  comfort  will  be  thankfully  received,  —  Mr. 
Verdant  Green,  utterly  oblivious  of  robins  in  general,  and 
of  the  sharp  pecks  of  this  one  in  particular,  takes  no 

notice  of  the  little  red 
breast  waiter  with  the 
bill,  but,  slightly  col 
ouring  up,  fixes  his 
gaze  upon  the  lodge- 
gate  through  which  a 
group  of  ladies  and 
gentlemen  are  pass 
ing.  Stepping  back 
for  a  moment,  and 
stealing  a  glance  at 
himself  in  the  mirror, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green 
hurriedly  arranges 
and  disarranges  his 
hair —  pulls  about  his 
collar  —  ties  and  un 
ties  his  neck-handkerchief —  buttons  and  then  unbut 
tons  his  coat  —  takes  another  look  from  the  window  - 
sees  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  (besom  in  hand)  salaaming 
the  party,  and  then  makes  a  rush  for  the  vestibule,  to 
be  at  the  door  to  receive  them. 

Let  us  take  a  look  at  them  as  they  come  up  the 
avenue.  Place  aux  dames,  is  the  proper  sort  of  thing ; 
but  as  there  is  no  rule  without  its  exception,  and  no 
adage  without  its  counter-proverb,  we  will  give  the 
gentlemen  the  priority  of  description. 

Hale  and  hearty,  the  picture  of  amiability  and  gentle 
manly  feeling,  comes  the  Rector,  Mr.  Larkyns,  sturdily 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  285 

crunching  the  frozen  snow,  which  has  defied  all  the 
besom  powers  of  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole.  Here,  too, 
is  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns,  and,  moreover,  his  friend  Henry 
Bouncer,  Esq.,  who  has  come  to  christmas  at  the  Rec 
tory.  Following  in  their  wake  is  a  fourth  gentleman 
attired  in  the  costume  peculiar  to  clergymen,  dissenting 
ministers,  linen-drapers'  assistants,  and  tavern  waiters. 
He  happens  to  belong  to  the  first-named  section,  and 
is  no  less  a  person  than  the  Rev.  Josiah  Meek,  B.A.,  (St. 
Christopher's  Coll.,  Oxon.) — who,  for  the  last  three 
months,  has  officiated  as  Mr.  Larkyns's  curate.  He 
appears  to  be  of  a  peace-loving,  lamb-like  disposition ; 
and,  though  sportive  as  a  lamb  when  occasion  requires, 
is  yet  of  timid  ways  and  manners.  He  is  timid,  too,  in 
voice,  —  speaking  in  a  feeble  treble;  he  is  timid,  too, 
in  his  address,  —  more  particularly  as  regards  females  ; 
and  he  has  mild-looking  whiskers,  that  are  far  too  timid 
to  assume  any  decided  or  obtrusive  colour,  and  have 
fallen  back  on  a  generalised  whitey-brown  tint.  But, 
though  timid  enough  in  society,  he  was  bold  and  ener 
getic  in  the  discharge  of  his  pastoral  duties,  and  had 
already  won  the  esteem  of  every  one  in  the  parish.  So, 
Verdant  had  been  told,  when,  on  his  return  from  college, 
he  had  asked  his  sisters  how  they  liked  the  new  curate. 
They  had  not  only  heard  of  his  good  deeds,  but  they 
had  witnessed  many  of  them  in  their  visits  to  the  schools 
and  among  the  poor.  Mary  and  Fanny  were  loud  in 
his  praise;  and  if  Helen  said  but  little,  it  was  perhaps 
because  she  thought  the  more  ;  for  Helen  was  now  of 
the  susceptible  age  of  "  sweet  seventeen,"  an  age  that 
not  only  feels  warmly  but  thinks  deeply;  and  who  shall 
say  what  feelings  and  thoughts  may  lie  beneath  the  pure 
waters  of  that  sea  of  maidenhood  whose  surface  is  so 


286   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

still  and  calm?  Love  alone  can  tell:  — Love,  the  bold 
diver,  who  can  cleave  that  still  surface,  and  bring  up 
into  the  light  of  heaven  the  rich  treasures  that  are  of 
Heaven's  own  creation. 

With  the  four  gentlemen  come  two  ladies  —  young 
ladies,  moreover,  who,  as  penny-a-liners  say,  are  "  pos 
sessed  of  considerable  personal  attractions."  These  are 
the  Misses  Honeywood,  the  blooming  daughters  of  the 
rector's  only  sister  ;  and  they  have  come  from  the  far 
land  of  the  North,  and  are  looking  as  fresh  and  sweet 
as  their  own  heathery  hills.  The  roses  of  health  that 
bloom  upon  their  cheeks  have  been  brought  into  full 
blow  by  the  keen,  sharp  breeze  ;  the  shepherd's-plaid 
shawls  drawn  tightly  around  them  give  the  outline  of 
figures  that  gently  swell  into  the  luxuriant  line  of  beauty 
and  grace.  Altogether,  they  are  damsels  who  are 
pleasant  to  the  eye,  and  very  fair  to  look  upon. 

Since  they  had  last  visited  their  uncle  four  years  had 
passed,  and,  in  that  time,  they  had  shot  up  to  woman 
hood,  although  they  were  not  yet  out  of  their  teens. 
Their  father  was  a  landed  proprietor  living  in  north 
Northumberland  ;  and,  like  other  landed  proprietors 
who  live  under  the  shade  of  the  Cheviots,  was  rich 
in  his  flocks,  and  his  herds,  and  his  men-servants  and 
his  maid-servants,  and  his  he-asses  and  his  she-asses, 
and  was  quite  a  modern  patriarch.  During  the  past 
summer,  the  rector  had  taken  a  trip  to  Northumber 
land,  in  order  to  see  his  sister,  and  refresh  himself 
with  a  clergyman's  fortnight  at  Honeywood  Hall,  and 
he  would  not  leave  his  sister  and  her  husband  until  he 
had  extracted  from  them  a  promise  that  they  would 
bring  down  their  two  eldest  daughters  and  Christmas  in 
Warwickshire.  This  was  accordingly  agreed  to,  and, 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  387 

more  than  that,  acted  upon;  and  little  Mr.  Bouncer 
and  his  sister  Fanny  were  asked  to  meet  them;  but,  to 
relieve  the  rector  of  a  superfluity  of  lady  guests,  Miss 
Bouncer's  quarters  had  been  removed  to  the  Manor 
Green. 

It  was  quite  an  event  in  the  history  of  our  hero  and 
his  sisters.  Four  years  ago,  they,  and  Kitty  and  Patty 
Honeywood,  were  mere  chits,  for  whom  dolls  had  not 
altogether  lost  their  interest,  and  who  considered  it  as 
promotion  when  they  sat  in  the  drawing-room  on  com 
pany  evenings,  instead  of  being  shown  up  at  dessert. 
Four  years  at  this  period  of  life  makes  a  vast  change  in 
young  ladies,  and  the  Green  and  Honeywood  girls  had 
so  altered  since  last  they  met,  that  they  had  almost 
needed  a  fresh  introduction  to  each  other.  But  a  day's 
intimacy  made  them  bosom  friends ;  and  the  Manor 
Green  soon  saw  such  revels  as  it  had  not  seen  for  many 
a  long  year. 

Every  night  there  were  (in  the  language  of  the  play 
bills  of  provincial  theatres)  "  singing  and  dancing,  with 
a  variety  of  other  entertainments;  "  the  4<  other  enter 
tainments"  occasionally  consisting  (as  is  scandalously 
affirmed)  of  a  very  favourite  class  of  entertainment  — 
popular  at  all  times,  but  running  mad  riot  at  the  Christ 
mas  season  —  wherein  two  performers  of  either  sex  take 
their  places  beneath  a  white-berried  bough,  and  go 
through  a  species  of  dance,  or  pas  de  fascination,  accom 
panied  by  mysterious  rites  and  solemnities  that  have 
been  scrupulously  observed,  and  handed  down  to  us, 
from  the  earliest  age. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green,  during  the  short  —  alas  !  too  short 
—  Christmas  week,  had  performed  more  polkas  than  he 
had  ever  danced  in  his  life;  and,  undo*  the  charming 
19 


288   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

tuition  of  Miss  Patty  Honeyvvood,  was  fast  becoming  a 
proficient  in  the  valse  a  deux  temps.  As  yet,  the  whirl 
of  the  dance  brought  on  a  corresponding  rotatory 
motion  of  the  brain,  that  made  every  thing  swim  before 
his  spectacles  in  a  way  which  will  be  easily  understood 
by  all  bad  travellers  who  have  crossed  from  Dover  to 
Calais  with  a  chopping  sea  and  a  gale  of  wind.  But 
Miss  Patty  Honeywood  was  both  good-natured  and 

persevering:  and  she 
allowed  our  hero  to 
dance  on  her  feet 
without  a  murmur, 
and  watchfully  guided 
him  when  his  giddy 
vision  would  have  led 
them  into  contact  with 
foreign  bodies. 

It  is  an  old  saying, 
that  Gratitude  begets 
Love.  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  had  already 
reached  the  first  part 
of  this  dangerous 
creation,  for  he  felt 
grateful  to  the  pretty 
Patty  for  the  good- 
humoured  trouble  she 
bestowed  on  the  awk 
wardness,  which  he 
now,  for  the  first  time, 
began  painfully  to  perceive.  But,  what  his  gratitude 
might  end  in,  he  had  perhaps  never  taken  the  trouble  to 
inquire.  It  was  enough  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  that  he 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


289 


enjoyed   the   present;   and,   as   to    the   future,  he  fully 
followed  out  the  Horatian  precept  — 

Quid  sit  futurum  eras,  fuge  quaerere ; 

nee  dulces  amores 
Sperne,  puer,  neque  tu  choreas. 

It  was  perhaps  ungrateful  in  our  hero  to  prefer  Miss 
Patty  Honeywood  to  Miss  Fanny  Bouncer,  especially 
when  the  latter  was  staying  in  the  house,  and  had  been 
so  warmly  recommended  to  his  notice  by  her  vivacious 
brother.  Especially,  too,  as  there  was  nothing  to  be 


* ' r 


objected  to  in  Miss  Bouncer,  saving  the  fact  that  some 
might  have  affirmed  she  was  a  trifle  too  much  inclined 
to  embonpoint,  and  was  indeed  a  bouncer  in  person  as 
well  as  in  name.  Especially,  too,  as  Miss  Fanny 
Bouncer  was  both  good-humoured  and  clever,  and, 
besides  being  mistress  of  the  usual  young-lady  accom 
plishments,  was  a  clever  proficient  in  the  fascinating  art 


2QO  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

of  photography,  and  had  brought  her  camera  and 
chemicals,  and  had  not  only  calotyped  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  but  had  made  no  end  of  duplicates  of  him,  in  a 
manner  that  was  suggestive  of  the  deepest  admiration 
and  affection.  But  these  sort  of  likings  are  not  made  to 
rule,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  could  see  Miss  Fanny 
Bouncer  approach  without  betraying  any  of  those  symp 
toms  of  excitement,  under  the  influence  of  which  we  had 
the  privilege  to  see  him,  as  he  gazed  from  the  window 
of  his  paternal  mansion,  and  then,  on  beholding  the 
approaching  form  of  Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  rush  wildly 
to  the  vestibule. 

The  party  had  no  occasion  to  ring,  for  the  hall  door 
was  already  opened  for  them,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
was  soon  exchanging  a  delightful  pressure  of  the  hand 
with  the  blooming  Patty. 

"  We  were  such  a  formidable  party,"  said  that  young 
lady,  as  she  laughed  merrily,  and  thereby  disclosed  to 
the  enraptured  gazer  a  remarkably  even  set  of  white 
teeth  ("  All  her  own,  too  !  "  as  little  Mr.  Bouncer  after 
wards  remarked  to  the  enraptured  gazer);  "we  were 
such  a  formidable  party,"  said  Miss  Patty,  "  that  papa 
and  mamma  declared  they  would  stay  behind  at  the 
Rectory,  and  would  not  join  in  such  a  visitation." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  replies,  "  Oh  dear!  I  am  very 
sorry,"  and  looks  remarkably  delighted  —  though  it 
certainly  may  not  be  at  the  absence  of  the  respected 
couple  ;  and  he  then  proclaims  that  every  thing  is  ready, 
and  that  Miss  Bouncer  and  his  sisters  had  found  out 
some  capital  words. 

"What  a  mysterious  communication,  Verdant!" 
remarks  the  rector,  as  they  pass  into  the  house.  But 
the  rector  is  only  to  be  let  so  far  into  the  secret  as  to  be 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  2QI 

informed  that,  at  the  evening  party  which  is  to  be  held 
at  the  Manor  Green  that  night,  a  charade  or  two  will  be 
acted,  in  order  to  diversify  the  amusements.  The  Misses 
Honeywood  are  great  adepts  in  this  sort  of  pastime  ;  so, 
also,  are  Miss  Bouncer  and  her  brother.  For  afthough 
the  latter  does  not  shine  as  a  mimic,  yet,  as  he  is  never 
deserted  by  his  accustomed  coolness,  he  has  plenty  of 
the  nonchalance  and  readiness  which  is  a  requisite  for 
charade  acting.  The  Miss  Honeywoods  and  Mr. 
Bouncer  have  therefore  suggested  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
and  his  sisters,  that  to  get  up  a  little  amateur  perform 
ance  would  be  "  great  fun;"  and  the  suggestion  has 
met  with  a  warm  approval. 

The  drawing-room  at  the  Manor  Green  opened  by 
large  folding-doors  to  the  library;  so  (as  Mr.  Bouncer 
observed  to  our  hero),  "  there  you  Ve  got  your  stage 
and  your  drop-scene  as  right  as  a  trivet;  and,  if  you 
stick  a  lot  of  candles  and  lights  on  each  side  of  the 
doors  in  the  library,  there  you  '11  have  a  regular  flare-up 
that'll  show  off  your  venerable  gig-lamps  no  end." 

So  charades  were  determined  on  ;  and,  when  words 
had  been  hunted  up,  a  council  of  war  was  called.  But, 
as  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  hold  their  council  with 
closed  doors,  we  cannot  intrude  upon  them.  We  must 
therefore  wait  till  the  evening,  when  the  result  of  their 
deliberations  will  be  publicly  manifested. 


2Q2  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


CHAPTER   IX. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN    MAKES   HIS   FIRST   APPEARANCE    ON 
ANY   BOARDS. 

IT  is  the  last  night  of 
December.  The  old 
year,  worn  out  and 
spent  with  age,  lies  a 
dying,  wrapped  in 
sheets  of  snow. 

A  stern  stillness 
reigns  around.  The 
steps  of  men  are  muf 
fled  ;  no  echoing 
footfalls  disturb  the 
solemn  nature  of  the 
time.  The  little  run 
nels  weep  icy  tears. 
The  dark  pines  hang 
out  their  funereal 
plumes,  and  nod  with 

their  weight  of  snow.  The  elms  have  thrown  off  their 
green  robes  of  joy,  and,  standing  up  in  gaunt  nakedness, 
wildly  toss  to  heaven  their  imploring  arms.  The  old 
year  lies  a  dying. 

Silently  through  the  snow  steal  certain  carriages  to 
the  portals  of  the  Manor  Green,  and,  with  a  ringing  of 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  293 

bells  and  a  banging  of  steps,  the  occupants  disappear  in 
a  stream  of  light  that  issues  from  the  hall  door.  Mr. 
Green's  small  sanctum  to  the  right  of  the  hall  has  been 
converted  into  a  cloak-room,  and  is  fitted  up  with  a 
ladies'-maid  and  a  looking-glass,  in  a  manner  not  to  be 
remembered  by  the  oldest  inhabitant. 

There  the  finishing  stroke  of  ravishment  is  given  to 
the  toilette  disarranged  by  a  long  drive  through  the 
impeding  snow.  There  Miss  Parkington  (whose  papa 
has  lately  revived  his  old  school  friendship  with  Mr. 
Green)  discovers,  to  her  unspeakable  disgust,  that  the 
ten  mile  drive  through  the  cold  has  invested  her  cheek 
with  purple  tints,  and  given  to  her  retrousst  (ill-natured 
people  call  it  "  pug  ")  nose  a  hue  that  mocks 

The  turkey's  crested  fringe. 

There,  too,  Miss  Waters  (whose  paternities  had  hitherto 
only  been  on  morning  call  terms  with  the  Manor  Green 
people,  but  had  brushed  up  their  acquaintance  now  that 
there  was  a  son  of  marriageable  years  and  heir  to  an 
independent  fortune),  discovers  to  her  dismay  that  the 
joltings  received  during  a  six-mile  drive  through 
snowed-up  lanes,  have  somewhat  deteriorated  the  very 
full-dress  aspect  of  her  attire,  and  considerably  flat 
tened  its  former  balloon-like  dimensions.  And  there, 
too,  Miss  Brindle  (whose  family  have  been  hunted  up 
for  the  occasion)  makes  the  alarming  discovery  that,  in 
the  lurch  which  their  hack- fly  had  made  at  the  cross 
roads,  her  brother  Alfred's  patent  boots  had  not  only 
dragged  off  some  yards  (more  or  less)  of  her  flounces, 
but  had  also  —  to  use  her  own  mystical  language  — 
"  torn  her  skirt  at  the  gathers !  " 

All,  however,  is  put  right  as  far  as  possible.     A  warm 


294   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

at  the  sanctum's  fire  diminishes  the  purple  in  Miss  Park- 
ington's  cheeks;  and  the  maid,  by  some  hocus-pocus 
peculiar  to  her  craft,  again  inflates  Miss  Waters  into  a 
balloon,  and  stitches  up  Miss  Brindle's  flounces  and 
"  gathers."  The  ladies  join  their  respective  gentlemen, 
who  have  been  cooling  their  toes  and  uttering  warm 


anathemas  in  the  hall;  and  the  party  sail,  arm-in-arm, 
into  the  drawing-room,  and  forthwith  fall  to  lively 
remarks  on  that  neutral  ground  of  conversation,  the 
weather. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  there,  dressed  with  elaborate 
magnificence ;  but  he  continues  in  a  state  of  listless 
apathy,  and  is  indifferent  to  the  "  lively  "  rattle  of  the 
balloon-like  Miss  Waters,  until  John  the  footman  (who 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


295 


is  suffering  from  influenza)  rouses  him  into  animation 
by  the  magic  talisman  "  Bister,  Bissis,  an'  the  Biss 
'Oneywoods ;  "  when  he  beams  through  his  spectacles 
in  the  most  benign  and  satisfied  manner.  The  Misses 


'^ 


Honeywood  arc  as  blooming  as  usual :  the  cold  air, 
instead  of  spoiling  their  good  looks,  has  but  improved 
their  healthy  style  of  beauty  ;  and  they  smile,  laugh,  and 
talk  in  a  perfectly  easy,  unaffected,  and  natural  manner. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  at  once  makes  his  way  to  Miss  Patty 
Honeywood's  side,  and,  gracefully  standing  beside  her, 


296   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

coffee-cup  in  hand,  plunges  headlong  into  the  depths  of 
a  tangled  conversation. 

Meanwhile,  the  drawing-room  of  the  Manor  Green 
becomes  filled  in  a  way  that  has  not  been  seen  for  many 
a  long  year ;  and  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole,  the  gardener 
(who  has  been  impressed  as  an  odd  man  for  the  occa 
sion,  and  is  served  up  in  a  pseudo-livery  to  make  him 
more  presentable),  sees  more  "  genteel  "  people  than 
have,  for  a  long  time,  been  visible  to  his  naked  eye. 
The  intelligent  Mr.  Mole,  when  he  has  afterwards  been 
restored  to  the  bosom  of  Mrs.  Mole  and  his  family,  con 
fides  to  his  equally  intelligent  helpmate  that,  in  his 
opinion,  "  Master  has  guv  the  party  to  get  husbands  for 
the  young  ladies"  —an  opinion  which,  though  perhaps 
not  founded  on  fact  so  far  as  it  related  to  the  party 
which  was  the  subject  of  Mr.  Mole's  remark,  would 
doubtless  be  applicable  to  many  similar  parties  given 
under  somewhat  similar  circumstances. 

It  is  not  improbable  that  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  may 
have  based  his  opinion  on  a  circumstance  —  which,  to  a 
gentleman  of  his  sagacity,  must  have  carried  great 
weight  —  namely,  that  whenever  in  the  course  of  the 
evening  the  hall  was  made  the  promenade  for  the 
loungers  and  dancers,  he  perceived,  firstly,  that  Miss 
Green  was  invariably  accompanied  by  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns ;  secondly,  that  the  Rev.  Josiah  Meek  kept 
Miss  Helen  dallying  about  the  wine  and  lemonade  tray 
much  longer  than  was  necessary  for  the  mere  consump 
tion  of  the  cooling  liquids;  and  thirdly,  that  Miss  Fanny, 
who  was  a  pert,  talkative  Miss  of  sixteen,  was  continu 
ally  to  be  found  there  with  either  Mr.  Henry  Bouncer 
or  Mr.  Alfred  Brindle  dancing  attendance  upon  her. 
But,  be  this  as  it  may,  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  was 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  297 

impressed  with  the  conviction  that  Mr.  Green  had  called 
his  young  friends  together  as  to  a  matrimonial  anction, 
and  that  his  daughters  were  to  be  put  up  without 
reserve,  and  knocked  down  to  the  highest  bidder. 

All  the  party  have  arrived.  The  weather  has  been 
talked  over  for  the  last  time  (for  the  present) ;  a  harp, 
violin,  and  a  cornet-a-piston  from  the  county  town, 
influenced  by  the  spirit  of  gin-and-water,  are  heard 
discoursing  most  eloquent  music  in  the  dining-room, 
which  has  been  cleared  out  for  the  dance.  Miss  Patty 
Honeywood,  accepting  the  offer  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
arm,  swims  joyously  out  of  the  room ;  other  ladies  and 
gentlemen  pair,  and  follow :  the  ball  is  opened. 
3  A  polka  follows  the  quadrille;  and,  while  the  dan 
cers  rest  awhile  from  their  exertions,  or  crowd  around 
the  piano  in  the  drawing-room  to  hear  the  balloon-like 
Miss  Waters  play  a  firework  piece  of  music,  in  which 
execution  takes  the  place  of  melody,  and  chromatic 
scales  are  discharged  from  her  fingers  like  showers  of 
rockets,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  mysteriously  weeds  out 
certain  members  of  the  party,  and  vanishes  with  them 
up-stairs. 

When  Miss  Waters  has  discharged  all  her  fireworks, 
and  has  descended  from  the  throne  of  her  music-stool, 
a  set  of  Lancers  is  formed;  and,  while  the  usual  mis 
takes  are  being  made  in  the  figures,  the  dancers  find  a 
fruitful  subject  of  conversation  in  surmises  that  a 
charade  is  going  to  be  acted.  The  surmise  proves  to 
be  correct ;  for  when  the  set  has  been  brought  to  an 
end  with  that  peculiar  in-and-out  tum-tum-tiddle-iddle- 
tum-tum-tum  movement  which  characterises  the  last 
figure  of  "  Les  Landers,"  the  trippers  on  the  light 
fantastic  toe  are  requested  to  assemble  in  the  drawing- 


298  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

room,  where  the  chairs  and  couches  have  been  pulled 
up  to  face  the  folding  doors  that  lead  into  the  library. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  appears;  and,  after  announcing 
that  the  word  to  be  acted  will  be  one  of  three  syl 
lables,  and  that  each  syllable  will  be  represented  by 


itself,  and  that  then  the  complete  word  will  be  given, 
throws  open  the  folding  doors  for 

SCENE  I.  Syllable  I.  —  Enter  the  Miss  Honey  woods, 
dressed  in  fashionable  bonnets  and  shawls.  They  are 
shown  in  by  a  footman  (Mr.  Bouncer)  attired  in  a 
peculiarly  ingenious  and  effective  livery,  made  by 
pulling  up  the  trousers  to  the  knee,  and  wearing  the 
dress-coat  inside  out,  so  as  to  display  the  crimson  silk 
linings  of  the  sleeves:  the  effect  of  Mr.  Bouncer's 
appearance  is  considerably  heightened  by  a  judicious 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  299 

outlay  of  flour  sprinkled  over  his  hair.  Mr.  Bouncer 
(as  footman)  gives  the  ladies  chairs,  and  inquires, 
"What  name  shall  I  be  pleased  to  say,  mem?  "  Miss 
Patty  answers  in  a  languid  and  fashionable  voice, 
"The  Ladies  Louisa  and  Arabella  Mountfidget."  Mr. 
Bouncer  evaporates  with  a  low  bow,  leaving  the  ladies 
to  play  with  their  parasols,  and  converse.  Lady  Ara 
bella  (Miss  Patty)  then  expresses  a  devout  wish  that 
Lady  Trotter  (wife  of  Sir  Lambkin  Trotter,  Bart.),  in 
whose  house  they  are  supposed  to  be,  will  not  keep 
them  waiting  as  long  as  she  detained  her  aunt,  Lady 
Bellwether,  when  the  poor  old  lady  fell  asleep  from 
sheer  fatigue,  and  was  found  snoring  on  the  sofa. 
Lady  Louisa  then  falls  to  an  inspection  of  the  card- 
tray,  and  reads  the  paste-boards  of  some  high-sounding 
titles  not  to  be  found  in  Debrett,  and  expresses  wonder 
as  to  where  Lady  Trotter  can  have  picked  up  the 
Duchess  of  Ditchwater's  card,  as  she  (Lady  Louisa)  is 
morally  convinced  that  her  Grace  can  never  have  con 
descended  to  have  even  sent  in  her  card  by  a  footman. 
Becoming  impatient  at  the  non-appearance  of  Lady 
Trotter,  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  then  rings  the  bell, 
and,  with  much  asperity  of  manner,  inquires  of  Mr. 
Bouncer  (as  footman)  if  Lady  Trotter  is  informed  that 
the  Ladies  Louisa  and  Arabella  Mountfidget  are  wait 
ing  to  see  her?  Mr.  Bouncer  replies,  with  a  footman's 
bow,  and  a  footman's  //exasperation  of  his  h's,  "Me 
lady  is  haweer  hof  your  ladyships'  visit;  but  me  lady 
is  at  present  hunable  to  happear:  me  lady,  'owever, 
has  give  me  a  message,  which  she  hasks  me  to  deliver 
to  your  ladyships."  "Then  why  don't  you  deliver  it 
at  once,"  says  Miss  Patty,  "and  not  waste  the  valuable 
time  of  the  Ladies  Louisa  and  Arabella  Mountfidget? 


300   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

What  is  the  message?"  "Me  lady,"  replies  Mr. 
Bouncer,  "requests  me  to  present  her  compliments  to 
your  ladyships,  and  begs  me  to  h inform  you  that  me 
lady  is  a  cleaning  of  herself!"  Amid  great  laughter 
from  the  audience,  the  Ladies  Mountfidget  toss  their 
heads  and  flutter  grandly  out  of  the  room,  followed  by 
the  floured  footman;  while  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  unseen 
by  those  in  front,  pushes-to  the  folding-doors,  to  show 
that  the  first  syllable  is  performed. 

Praises  of  the  acting,  and  guesses  at  the  word, 
agreeably  fill  up  the  time  till  the  next  scene.  The 
Revd.  Josiah  Meek,  who  is  not  much  used  to  charades, 
confides  to  Miss  Helen  Green  that  he  surmises  the 
word  to  be,  either  "visitor"  or  "impudence;"  but,  as 
the  only  ground  to  this  surmise  rests  on  these  two 
words  being  words  of  three  syllables,  Miss  Helen 
gently  repels  the  idea,  and  sagely  observes,  "we  shall 
see  more  in  the  next  scene." 

SCENE  II.  Syllable  2. — The  folding-doors  open, 
and  discover  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  as  a  sick  gentleman, 
lying  on  a  sofa,  in  a  dressing-gown,  with  pillows  under 
his  head,  and  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  in  attendance 
upon  him.  A  table,  covered  with  glasses  and  medi 
cine  bottles,  is  drawn  up  to  the  sufferer's  couch  in  an 
inviting  manner.  Miss  Patty  informs  the  sufferer 
that  the  time  is  come  for  him  to  take  his  draught. 
The  sufferer  groans  in  a  dismal  manner,  and  says, 
"Oh!  is  it,  my  dear?"  She  replies,  "Yes!  you  must 
take  it  now;"  and  sternly  pours  some  sherry  wine  out 
of  the  medicine  bottle  into  a  cup.  The  sufferer  makes 
piteous  faces,  and  exclaims,  "It  is  so  nasty,  I  can't 
take  it,  my  love ! "  (It  is  to  be  observed  that  Mr. 
Verdant  Green,  skilfully  taking  advantage  of  the  cir- 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  3OI 

cumstance  that  Miss  Patty  Honey  wood  is  supposed  to 
represent  the  wife  of  the  sufferer,  plentifully  besprin 
kles  his  conversation  with  endearing  epithets.)  When, 
after  much  persuasion  and  groaning,  the  sufferer  has 
been  induced  to  take  his  medicine,  his  spouse  an 
nounces  the  arrival  of  the  doctor;  when,  enter  Mr. 
Bouncer,  still  floured  as  to  his  head,  but  wearing  spec 
tacles,  a  long  black  coat,  and  a  shirt-frill,  and  having 
his  dress  otherwise  altered  so  as  to  represent  a  medical 
man  of  the  old  school.  The  doctor  asks  what  sort  of 
a  night  his  patient  has  had,  inspects  his  tongue  with 
professional  gravity,  feels  his  pulse,  looks  at  his  watch, 
and  mysteriously  shakes  his  head.  He  then  com 
mences  thrusting  and  poking  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in 
various  parts  of  his  body,  — after  the  manner  of  doc 
tors  with  their  victims,  and  farmers  with  their  beasts, 
—  enquiring  between  each  poke,  "Does  that  hurt 
you  ?  "  and  being  answered  by  a  convulsive  "  Oh ! " 
and  a  groan  of  agony.  The  doctor  then  prescribes  a 
draught  to  be  taken  every  half-hour,  with  the  pills  and 
blister  at  bed-time;  and,  after  covering  his  two  fellow- 
actors  with  confusion,  by  observing  that  he  leaves  his 
patient  in  admirable  hands,  and,  that  in  an  affection 
of  the  heart,  the  application  of  lip-salve  and  warm 
treatment  will  give  a  decided  tone  to  the  system,  and 
produce  soothing  and  grateful  emotions  —  takes  his 
leave;  and  the  folding-doors  are  closed  on  the  blushes 
of  Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

More  applause :  more  agreeable  conversation :  more 
ingenious  speculations.  The  Revd.  Josiah  Meek  is 
now  of  opinion  that  the  word  is  either  "medicine"  or 
"suffering."  Miss  Helen  still  sagely  observes,  "we 
shall  see  more  in  the  next  scene." 


3<D2    THE  ADVENTURES   OF   MR.  VERDANT   GREEN, 

SCENE  III.  Syllable  3. —  Mr.  Verdant  Green  discov 
ered  sitting  at  a  table  furnished  with  pens  and  ink. 
books,  and  rolls  of  paper.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  wears 
on  his  head  a  Chelsea  pensioner's  cocked-hat  (the 
''property"  of  the  Family,  — as  Mr.  Footelights  would 


have  said)  folded  into  a  shovel  shape;  and  is  supposed 
to  accurately  represent  the  outside  of  a  London  pub 
lisher.  To  him  enter  Mr.  Bouncer  — the  flour  off  his 
head  — coat  buttoned  tightly  to  the  throat,  no  visible 
linen,  and  wearing  in  his  face  and  appearance  gener 
ally,  "the  garb  of  humility."  Says  the  publisher, 
"Now,  sir,  please  to  state  your  business,  and  be  quick 
about  it:  I  am  much  engaged  in  looking  over  for  the 
press  a  work  of  a  distinguished  author,  which  I  am 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  303 

just  about  to  publish. "  Meekly  replies  the  other,  as  he 
holds  under  his  arm  an  immense  paper  packet :  "  It  is 
about  a  work  of  my  own,  sir,  that  I  have  now  ventured 
to  intrude  upon  you.  I  have  here,  sir,  a  small  manu 
script,"  (producing  his  roll  of  a  book),  "which  I  am 
ambitious  to  see  given  to  the  world  through  the 
medium  of  your  printing  establishment."  To  him, 
the  Publisher  —  "Already  am  I  inundated  with  manu 
scripts  on  all  possible  subjects,  and  cannot  undertake 
to  look  at  any  more  for  some  time  to  come.  What  is 
the  nature  of  your  manuscript?"  Meekly  replies  the 
other  —  u  The  theme  of  my  work,  sir,  is  a  History  of 
England  before  the  Flood.  The  subject  is  both  new 
and  interesting.  It  is  to  be  presumed  that  our  beloved 
country  existed  before  the  Flood :  if  so,  it  must  have 
had  a  history.  I  have  therefore  endeavoured  to  fill  up 
what  is  lacking  in  the  annals  of  our  land,  by  a  record 
of  its  antediluvian  state,  adapted  to  the  meanest  com 
prehension,  and  founded  on  the  most  baseless  facts. 
I  am  desirous,  sir,  to  see  myself  in  print.  I  should 
like  my  work,  sir,  to  appear  in  large  letters;  in  very 
large  letters,  sir.  Indeed,  sir,  it  would  give  me  joy, 
if  you  would  condescend  to  print  it  altogether  in 
capital  letters:  my  magnum  opus  might  then  be  called 
with  truth,  a  capital  work."  To  him,  the  Publisher 
-"Much  certainly  depends  on  the  character  of  the 
printing."  Meekly  the  author — "Indeed,  sir,  it  does. 
A  great  book,  sir,  should  be  printed  in  great  letters. 
If  you  will  permit  me,  I  will  show  you  the  size  of  the 
letters  in  which  I  should  wish  my  book  to  be  printed." 
Mr.  Bouncer  then  points  out  in  some  books  on  the 
table,  the  printing  he  most  admires;  and,  beseeching 
the  Publisher  to  read  over  his  manuscript,  and  think 

20 


304  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

favourably  of  his  History  of  England  before  the  Flood, 
makes  his  bow  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  the  Chelsea 
pensioner's  cocked  hat. 

More  applause,  and  speculations.  The  Revd. 
Josiah  Meek  confident  that  he  has  discovered  the 
word.  It  must  be  either  "  publisher  "  or  "  authorship. " 
Miss  Helen  still  sage. 

SCENE  IV.  The  Word.  —  Miss  Bouncer  discovered 
with  her  camera,  arranging  her  photographic  chemi 
cals.  She  soliloquises.  "There!  now,  all  is  ready 
for  my  sitter."  She  calls  the  footman  (Mr.  Verdant 
Green),  and  says,  "John,  you  may  show  the  Lady 
Fitz-Canute  upstairs."  The  footman  shows  in  Miss 
Honeywood,  dressed  in  an  antiquated  bonnet  and 
mantle,  waving  a  huge  fan.  John  gives  her  a  chair, 
into  which  she  drops,  exclaiming,  "What  an  insuffer 
able  toil  it  is  to  ascend  to  these  elevated  Photographic 
rooms;"  and  makes  good  use  of  her  fan.  Miss  Boun 
cer  then  fixes  the  focus  of  her  camera,  and  begs  the 
Lady  Fitz-Canute  to  sit  perfectly  still,  and  to  call  up 
an  agreeable  smile  to  her  face.  Miss  Honeywood 
thereupon  disposes  her  face  in  ludicrous  "wreathed 
smiles;"  and  Miss  Bouncer's  head  disappears  under 
the  velvet  hood  of  the  camera.  "I  am  afraid,"  at 
length  says  Miss  Bouncer,  "I  am  afraid  that  I  shall 
not  be  able  to  succeed  in  taking  a  likeness  of  your 
ladyship  this  morning."  "And  why,  pray?"  asks  her 
ladyship  with  haughty  surprise.  "Because  it  is  a 
gloomy  day,"  replies  the  Photographer,  "and  much 
depends  upon  the  rays  of  light."  "Then  procure  the 
rays  of  light!"  "That  is  more  than  I  can  do." 
"  Indeed !  I  suppose  if  the  Lady  Fitz-Canute  wishes 
for  the  rays  of  light,  and  condescends  to  pay  for  the 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  305 

rays  of  light,  she  can  obtain  the  rays  of  light."  Miss 
Bouncer  considers  this  too  exigeant,  and  puts  her 
sitter  off  by  promising  to  complete  a  most  fascinating 
portrait  of  her  on  some  more  favourable  day.  Lady 
Fitz-Canute  appears  to  be  somewhat  mollified  at  this, 
and  is  graciously  pleased  to  observe,  "Then  I  will 
undergo  the  fatigue  of  ascending  to  these  elevated 
Photographic  rooms  at  some  future  period.  But,  mind, 
when  I  next  come,  that  you  procure  the  rays  of  light ! " 
So  she  is  shown  out  by  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  and  the 
folding-doors  are  closed  amid  applause,  and  the  audi 
ence  distract  themselves  with  guesses  as  to  the  word. 

"Photograph"  is  a  general  favorite, but  is  found  not 
to  agree  with  the  three  first  scenes,  although  much 
ingenuity  is  expended  in  endeavouring  to  make  them 
fit  the  word.  The  Curate  makes  a  headlong  rush  at 
the  word  "Daguerreotype,"  and  is  confident  that  he 
has  solved  the  problem,  until  he  is  informed  that  it  is 
a  word  of  more  than  three  syllables.  Charles  Larky ns 
has  already  whispered  the  word  to  Mary  Green;  but 
they  keep  their  discovery  to  themselves.  At  length, 
the  Revd.  Josiah  Meek,  in  a  moment  of  inspiration, 
hits  upon  the  word,  and  proclaims  it  to  be  CALOTYPE 
(  "  Call  —  oh  !  —  type ;  "  )  upon  which  Mr.  Alfred  Brin- 
dle  declares  to  Miss  Fanny  Green  that  he  had  fancied 
it  must  be  that,  all  along,  and,  in  fact,  was  just  on 
the  point  of  saying  it :  and  the  actors,  coming  in  in  a 
body,  receive  the  violet-crowns  and  laurel-wreaths  of 
praise  as  the  meed  of  their  exertions.  Perhaps,  the 
Miss  Honeywoods  and  Mr.  Bouncer  receive  larger 
crowns  than  the  others,  but  Mr.  Verdant  Green  gets 
his  due  share,  and  is  fully  satisfied  with  his  first 
appearance  on  "the  boards." 


306  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Dancing  then  succeeds,  varied  by  songs  from  the 
young  ladies,  and  discharges  of  chromatic  fireworks 
from  the  fingers  of  Miss  Waters,  for  whom  Charles 
Larkyns  does  the  polite,  in  turning  over  the  leaves  of 


her  music.  Then  some  carol-singers  come  to  the 
Hall-door,  and  the  bells  of  the  church  proclaim,  in  joy 
ful  peals,  the  birth  of  the  New  Year;  —  a  new  year  of 
hopes,  and  joys,  and  cares,  and  griefs,  and  unions,  and 
partings;  —  a  new  year  of  which,  who  then  present 
shall  see  the  end?  who  shall  be  there  to  welcome  in 
its  successor?  who  shall  be  absent,  laid  in  the  secret 
places  of  the  earth  ?  Ah,  Who?  For,  even  in  the  midst 
of  revelry  and  youth,  the  joy-peals  of  those  old  church 
bells  can  strike  the  key-note  of  a  wail  of  grief. 


AN   OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE.  307 

Another  charade  follows,  in  which  new  actors  join. 
Then  comes  a  merry  supper,  in  which  Mr.  Alfred 
Brindle,  in  order  to  give  himself  courage  to  appear  in 
the  next  charade,  takes  more  champagne  than  is  good 
for  him;  in  which,  too  (probably,  from  similar  cham- 
pagney  reasons),  Miss  Parkington's  unfortunately 
.self-willed  nose  again  assumes  a  more  roseate  hue 
than  is  becoming  to  a  maiden;  in  which,  too,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  being  called  upon  to  return  thanks  for 
"  the  ladies  "  —  (toast,  proposed  in  eloquent  terms  by 
H.  Bouncer,  Esq.,  and  drunk  "with  the  usual  hon 
ours,") —  is  so  alarmed  at  finding  himself  upon  his 
legs,  that  his  ideas  altogether  vanish,  and  in  great 
confusion  of  utterance,  he  observes,  -  "  I  —  I  —  ladies 
and  gentlemen  —  feel  —  I  —  I  —  a  —  feel  —  assure  you 
—  grattered  and  flattified -- I  mean,  flattered  and 
gratified  —  being  called  on  —  return  thanks  —  I  —  I  - 
a  —  the  ladies  — give  a  larm  to  chife  —  I  mean,  charm 
to  life—  (applause]  and —  a  — a  — grace  by  their  table 
this  presence,  —  I  mean  —  a  —  a  —  (applause],  —  and 
joytened  our  eye  —  I  mean,  heighted  our  joy  to-night 

-  (applause],  —  in  their  name  —  thanks  —  honour. " 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  takes  advantage  of  the  applause 
which  follows  these  incoherent  remarks,  and  sits 
down,  covered  with  confusion,  but  thankful  that  the 
struggle  is  over. 

More  dancing  follows.  Our  hero  performs  prodigies 
in  the  valse  a  deux  temps,  and  twirls  about  until  he 
has  not  a  leg  left  to  stand  upon.  The  harp,  the  violin, 
and  the  cornet-a-piston,  from  the  county-town,  play 
mechanically  in  their  sleep,  and  can  only  be  roused  by 
repeated  applications  of  gin-and-water.  Carriages  are 
ordered  round :  wraps  are  in  requisition :  the  mysteri- 


308   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

ous  rites  under  the  white-berried  bush  are  stealthily 
repeated  for  the  last  time:  the  guests  depart,  as  it 
were,  in  a  heap ;  the  Rectory  party  being  the  last  to 
leave.  The  intelligent  Mr.  Mole,  who  has  fuddled 
himself  by  an  injudicious  mixture  of  the  half -glasses 
of  wine  left  on  the  supper-table,  is  exasperated  with 
the  butler  for  not  allowing  him  to  assist  in  putting 
away  the  silver;  and  declares  that  he  (the  butler)  is 
"a  hold  himage,"  for  which,  he  (the  intelligent  Mr. 
M.),  " don't  care  a  button!"  and,  as  the  epithet 
"  image  "  appears  to  wondrously  offend  the  butler,  Mr. 
Mole  is  removed  from  further  consequences  by  his 
intelligent  wife,  who  is  waiting  to  conduct  her  lord 
and  master  home. 

At  length,  the  last  light  is  out  in  the  Manor-Green. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  lying  uncomfortably  upon  his 
back,  and  is  waltzing  through  Dreamland  with  the 
blooming  Patty  Honeywood. 


«/Sl'«o  XrVflil 

ttdffl 

IV     *^^S 


CHAPTER    X. 


MR.    VERDANT    GREEN    ENJOYS    A    REAL    CIGAR. 

THE  Christmas  vacation  passed  rapidly  away;  the 
Honeywood  family  returned  to  the  far  north; 
and,  once  more,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  himself 
within  the  walls  of  Brazenface.  He  and  Mr.  Bouncer 
had  together  gone  up  to  Oxford,  leaving  Charles  Lar- 
kyns  behind  to  keep  a  grace-term. 

Charles  Larkyns  had  determined  to  take  a  good 
degree.  For  some  time  past,  he  had  been  reading 
steadily;  and,  though  only  a  few  hours  in  each  day 
may  be  given  to  books  —  yet,  when  that  is  done  with 
regularity  and  painstaking,  a  real  and  sensible  progress 
is  made.  He  knew  that  he  had  good  abilities,  and  he 


310   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

had  determined  not  to  let  them  remain  idle  any  longer, 
but  to  make  that  use  of  them  for  which  they  were  given 
to  him.  His  examination  would  come  on  during  the 
next  term ;  and  he  hoped  to  turn  the  interval  to  good 
account,  and  be  able  in  the  end  to  take  a  respectable  de 
gree.  He  was  destined  for  the  Bar;  and,  as  he  had  no 
wish  to  be  a  briefless  Barrister,  he  knew  that  college 
honours  would  be  of  great  advantage  to  him  in  his  after 
career.  He  at  once,  therefore,  set  bodily  to  work  to 
read  up  his  subjects;  while  his  father  assisted  him  in 
his  labours,  and  Mary  Green  smiled  a  kind  approval. 

Meanwhile  his  friends,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr. 
Henry  Bouncer,  were  enjoying  Oxford  life,  and  dis 
porting  themselves  among  the  crowd  of  skaters  in  the 
Christ  Church  meadows.  And  a  very  different  scene 
did  the  meadows  present  to  the  time  when  they  had 
last  skimmed  over  its  surface.  Then,  the  green  fields 
were  covered  with  sailing-boats,  out-riggers,  and  punts, 
and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  nearly  come  to  an  untimely 
end  in  the  waters.  But  now  the  scene  was  changed ! 
Jack  Frost  had  stepped  in,  and  had  seized  the  flood  in 
his  frozen  fingers,  and  had  bound  it  up  in  an  icy 
breast-plate. 

And  a  capital  place  did  the  meadows  make  for  any 
Undergraduate  who  was  either  a  professed  skater,  or 
whose  skating  education  (as  in  the  case  of  our  hero) 
had  been  altogether  neglected.  For  the  water  was 
only  of  a  moderate  depth;  so  that,  in  the  event  of  the 
ice  giving  way,  there  was  nothing  to  fear  beyond  a 
slight  and  partial  ducking.  This  was  especially  for 
tunate  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  after  having 
experienced  total  submersion  and  a  narrow  escape 
from  drowning  on  that  very  spot,  would  never  have 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  311 

been  induced  to  again  commit  himself  to  the  surface 
of  the  deep,  had  he  not  been  fully  convinced  that  the 
deep  had  now  subsided  into  a  shallow.  With  his 
breast  fortified  by  this  resolution,  he  therefore  fell  a 
victim  to  the  syren  tongue  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  when  that 
gentleman  observed  to  him  with  sincere  feeling, 
"Gig-lamps,  old  fellow!  it  would  be  a  beastly  shame, 
when  there  's  such  jolly  ice,  if  you  did  not  learn  to 
skate;  especially,  as  I  can  show  you  the  trick." 

For   Mr.    Bouncer   was    not    only    skilful  with    his 
hands  and  arms,  but  could  also  perform  feats  with  his 
feet.      He   could    not   only  dance   quadrilles    in   dress 
boots  in  a  ball-room,  but  he  could  also  go  through  the 
figures  on  the  ice   in  a  pair  of   skates.      He  could  do 
the  outside  edge  at  a  more  acute  angle  than  the  gener 
ality  of  people;  he  could  cut  figures  of  eight  that  were 
worthy  of  Cocker  himself,    he   could  display  spread- 
eagles  that  would  have  astonished  the  Fellows  of  the 
Zoological  Society.      He  could  skim  over  the  thinnest 
ice  in  the  most  don't-care  way ;  and,  when  at  full  speed, 
would  stoop  to  pick  up  a  stone.     He  would  take  a  hop- 
skip-and-a-jump;  and  would  vault  over  walking-sticks 
as  easily  as  if  he  were  on  dry  land,  — an  accomplishment 
which  he  had   learnt  of   the  Count  Doembrownski,   a 
Russian  gentleman,   who,    in   his  own   country,   lived 
chiefly  on  skates,  and,  in  this  country,  on  pigeons,  and 
whose  short  residence  in  Oxford  was  suddenly  brought 
to   a  full   stop   by   the   arbitrary   power   of   the    Vice- 
Chancellor.      So,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  persuaded  to 
purchase,  and  put  on  a  pair  of  skates,  and  to  make  his 
first    appearance   as    a   skater    in    the    Christ    Church 
meadows,   under  the  auspices  of  Mr.    Bouncer. 

The  sensation  of  first  finding  yourself  in  a  pair  of 


312  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

skates  is  peculiar.  It  is  not  unlike  the  sensation 
which  must  have  been  felt  by  the  young  bear,  when  he 
was  dropped  from  his  mamma's  mouth,  and,  for  the 
first  time,  told  to  walk.  The  poor  little  bear  felt, 
that  it  was  all  very  well  to  say  "walk," —  but  how  was 
he  to  do  it  ?  Was  he  to  walk  with  his  right  fore-leg 
only?  or,  with  his  left  fore-leg?  or,  with  both  his  fore 
legs?  or,  was  he  to  walk  with  his  right  hind-leg?  or, 
with  his  left  hind-leg?  or,  with  both  his  hind-legs?  or, 
was  he  to  make  a  combination  of  hind  and  fore-legs, 
and  walk  with  all  four  at  once?  or,  what  was  he  to 
do?  So  he  tried  each  of  these  ways;  and  they  all 
failed.  Poor  little  bear! 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  felt  very  much  in  the  little 
bear's  condition.  He  was  undecided  whether  to  skate 
with  his  right  leg,  or  with  his  left  leg,  or  with  both 
his  legs.  He  tried  his  right  leg,  and  immediately  it 
glided  off  at  right  angles  with  his  body,  while  his  left 
leg  performed  a  similar  and  spontaneous  movement  in 
the  contrary  direction.  Having  captured  his  left  leg, 
he  put  it  cautiously  forwards,  and  immediately  it 
twisted  under  him,  while  his  right  leg  amused  itself 
by  describing  an  altogether  unnecessary  circle.  Obtain 
ing  a  brief  mastery  over  both  legs,  he  put  them  forwards 
at  the  same  moment,  and  they  fled  from  beneath  him, 
and  he  was  flung  —  bump!  —  on  his  back.  Poor  little 
bear ! 

But,  if  it  is  hard  to  make  a  start  in  a  pair  of  skates 
when  you  are  in  a  perpendicular  position,  how  much  is 
the  difficulty  increased  when  your  position  has  become 
a  horizontal  one !  You  raise  yourself  on  your  knees, 
—  you  assist  yourself  with  your  hands,  —  and,  no 
sooner  have  you  got  one  leg  right,  than  away  slides 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  313 

the  other,  and  down  you  go.  It  is  like  the  movement 
in  that  scene  with  the  pair  of  short  stilts,  in  which  the 
French  clowns  are  so  amusing,  and  it  is  almost  as 
difficult  to  perform.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  soon  found 
that  though  he  might  be  ambitious  to  excel  in  the 
polite  accomplishment  of  skating,  yet  that  his  ambi 
tion  was  destined  to  meet  with  many  a  fall.  But  he 
persevered,  and  perseverance  will  achieve  wonders, 
especially  when  aided  by  the  tuition  of  such  an  inde 
fatigable  gentleman  as  Mr.  Bouncer. 

"You  get  on  stunningly,  Gig-lamps,"  said  the  little 
gentleman,  "and  havn't  been  on  your  beam  ends  more 
than  once  a  minute.     But  I  should  advise  you,   old 
fellow,  to  get  your  sit-upons  seated  with  wash-leather, 
just  like  the  eleventh  hussars  do  with  their  cherry- 
coloured  pants.      It'll  come  cheaper  in  the  end,  and 
may  be  productive  of  comfort.      And   now,    after  all 
these  exciting  ups  and  downs,    let  us  go  and  have  a 
quiet  hand  at  billiards."     So  the  two  friends  strolled 
up  the  High,  where  they  saw  two  Queensmen  "con 
fessing  their  shame,"  as  Mr.  Bouncer  phrased  it,  by 
standing  under  the  gateway  of  their  college;  and  went 
on   to   Bickerton's,    where  they  found  all    the   tables 
occupied,    and   Jonathan    playing   a  match  with    Mr. 
Fluke  of  Christchurch.      So,  after  watching  the  cele 
brated  marker  long  enough  to   inspire  them  with   a 
desire  to  accomplish  similar  feats  of  dexterity,   they 
continued  their  walk  to  Broad  Street,  and,  turning  up 
a  yard  opposite  to  the  Clarendon,  found  that  Betteris 
had   an  upstair   room   at   liberty.      Here  they  accom 
plished  several  pleasing  mathematical  problems  with 
the  balls,  and  contributed  their  modicum  towards  the 
smoking  of  the  ceiling  of  the  room. 


314  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Since  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  acquired  the  art  of 
getting  through  a  cigar  without  making  himself  ill,  he 
had  looked  upon  himself  as  a  genuine  smoker;  and 
had,  from  time  to  time,  bragged  of  his  powers  as 
regarded  the  fumigation  of  "the  herb  Nicotiana,  com 
monly  called  tobacco,"  (as  the  Oxford  statute  tersely 
says).  This  was  an  amiable  weakness  on  his  part  that 


had  not  escaped  the  observant  eye  of  Mr.  Bouncer, 
who  had  frequently  taken  occasion,  in  the  presence  of 
his  friends,  to  defer  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  judgment 
in  the  matter  of  cigars.  The  train  of  adulation  being 
thus  laid,  an  opportunity  was  only  needed  to  fire  it. 
It  soon  came. 

"Once  upon  a  time,"  as  the  story-books  say,  it 
chanced  that  Mr.  Bouncer  was  consuming  his  minutes 
and  cigars  at  his  tobacconist's,  when  his  eye  lighted 
for  the  thousandth  time  on  the  roll  of  cabbage-leaves, 
brown  paper,  and  refuse  tobacco,  which  being  done  up 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


315 


into  the  form  of  a  monster  cigar  (a  foot  long,  and  of 
proportionate  thickness),  was  hung  in  the  shop-window, 
and  did  duty  as  a  truthful  token  of  the  commodity 
vended  within.  Mr.  Bouncer  had  looked  at  this  imple 
ment  nine  hundred  and  ninety  nine  times,  without  its 
suggesting  any  thing  else  to  his  mind,  than  its  being 


of  the  same  class  of  art  as  the  monster  mis-representa 
tions  outside  wild-beast  shows;  but  he  now  gazed 
upon  it  with  new  sensations.  In  short,  Mr.  Bouncer 
took  such  a  fancy  to  the  thing,  that  he  purchased  it, 
and  took  it  off  to  his  rooms,  — though  he  did  not  men 
tion  this  fact  to  his  friend,  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  when 
he  saw  him  soon  afterwards,  and  spoke  to  him  of  his 
excellent  judgment  in  tobacco. 

"  A  taste  for  smoke  comes  natural,  Gig-lamps  !  "  said 
Mr.  Bouncer.  "It's  what  you  call  a  nascitur  non  fit ; 
and,  if  you  haven't  the  gift,  why  you  can't  purchase 


316   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

it.  Now,  you're  a  judge  of  smoke;  it's  a  gift  with 
you,  don't  you  see;  and  you  could  no  more  help  know 
ing  a  good  weed  from  a  bad  one,  than  you  could  help 
waggling  your  tail  if  you  were  a  baa-lamb." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  bowed,  and  blushed,  in  acknowl 
edgment  of  this  delightful  flattery. 

"  Now,  there  's  old  Footelights,  you  know;  he  's  got 
an  uncle,  who  's  a  governor,  or  some  great  swell,  out 
in  Barbadoes.  Well,  every  now  and  then  the  old  trump 
sends  Footelights  no  end  of  a  box  of  weeds;  not  com 
mon  ones,  you  understand,  but  regular  tip-toppers; 
but  they  're  quite  thrown  away  on  poor  Footelights, 
who  'd  think  as  much  of  cabbage-leaves  as  he  would  of 
real  Havannahs,  so  he  's  always  obliged  to  ask  some 
body  else's  opinion  about  them.  Well,  he  's  got  a 
sample  of  a  weed  of  a  most  terrific  kind:  —  'Mag- 
nifico  Pomposo  '  is  the  name;  —  no  end  uncommon, 
and  at  least  a  foot  long.  We  don't  meet  with  'em  in 
England  because  they  're  too  expensive  to  import. 
Well,  it  wouldn't  do  to  throw  away  such  a  weed  as 
this  on  any  one;  so,  Footelights  wants  to  have  the 
opinion  of  a  man  who  's  really  a  judge  of  what  a  good 
weed  is.  I  refused,  because  my  taste  has  been  rather 
out  of  order  lately;  and  Billy  Blades  is  in  training  for 
Henley,  so  he's  obliged  to  decline;  so  I  told  him  of 
you,  Gig-lamps,  and  said,  that  if  there  was  a  man  in 
Brazenface  that  could  tell  him  what  his  Magnifico 
Pomposo  was  worth,  that  man  was  Verdant  Green. 
Don't  blush,  old  feller!  you  can't  help  having  a  fine 
judgment,  you  know;  so  don't  be  ashamed  of  it.  Now, 
you  must  wine  with  me  this  evening;  Footelights  and 
some  more  men  are  coming;  and  we  're  all  anxious  to 
hear  your  opinion  about  these  new  weeds,  because,  if 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  317 

it 's  favourable  we  can  club  together,  and  import  a 
box."  Mr.  Bouncer's  victim,  being  perfectly  uncon 
scious  of  the  trap  laid  for  him,  promised  to  come  to 
the  wine,  and  give  his  opinion  on  this  weed  of  fabled 
size  and  merit. 

When  the  evening  and  company  had  come,  he  was 
rather  staggered  at  beholding  the  dimensions  of  the 
pseudo-cigar;  but,  rashly  judging  that  to  express  sur 
prise  would  be  to  betray  ignorance,  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
inspected  the  formidable  monster  with  the  air  of  a 
connoisseur,  and  smelt,  pinched,  and  rolled  his  tongue 
round  it,  after  the  manner  of  the  best  critics.  If  this 
was  a  diverting  spectacle  to  the  assembled  guests  of 
Mr.  Bouncer,  how  must  the  humour  of  the  scene  have 
been  increased,  when  our  hero,  with  great  difficulty, 
lighted  the  cigar,  and,  with  still  greater  difficulty, 
held  it  in  his  mouth,  and  endeavoured  to  smoke  it ! 
As  Mr.  Foote  afterwards  observed,  "  it  was  a  situation 
for  a  screaming  farce." 

"It  doesn't  draw  well!"  faltered  the  victim,  as  the 
bundle  of  rubbish  went  out  for  the  fourth  time. 

"Why,  chat's  always  the  case  with  the  Barbadoes 
baccy!"  said  Mr.  Bouncer;  "it  takes  a  long  pull,  and 
a  strong  pull,  and  a  pull  all  together  to  get  it  to  make 
a  start ;  but  when  once  it  does  go,  it  goes  beautiful  - 
like  a  house  a-fire.  But  you  can't  expect  it  to  be  like 
a  common  threepenny  weed.  Here  !  let  me  light  him 
for  you,  Gig-lamps;  I  '11  give  the  beggar  a  dig  in  his 
ribs,  as  a  gentle  persuader."  Mr.  Bouncer  thereupon 
poked  his  pen-knife  through  the  rubbish,  and  after  a 
time  induced  it  to  "draw;"  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
pulled  at  it  furiously,  and  made  his  eyes  water  with 
the  unusual  cloud  of  smoke  that  he  raised. 


3l8   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"And  now,  what  d'ye  think  of  it,  my  beauty?" 
inquired  Mr.  Bouncer.  "It's  something  out  of  the 
common,  ain't  it?  " 

"It  has  a  beautiful  ash !  "  observed  Mr.  Smalls. 

"  And  diffuses  an  aroma  that  makes  me  long  to  defy 
the  trainer,  and  smoke  one  like  it!  "  said  Mr.  Blades. 

"So  pray  give  me  your  reading  — at  least,  your 
opinion, —on  my  Magnifico  Pomposo!"  asked  Mr. 
Foote. 

"Well,"   answered    Mr.    Verdant    Green,    slowly 

turning  very  pale  as  he  spoke,  —"at  first,  I  thought  it 
was  be-yew-tiful ;  but,  altogether,  I  think  —  that —  the 

Barbadoes  tobacco  —  doesn't  quite  —  agree  with my 

sf-om  -  '  the  speaker  abruptly  concluded  by  dropping 
the  cigar,  putting  his  handkerchief  to  his  mouth,  and 
rushing  into  Mr.  Bouncer's  bed-room.  The  Magnifico 
Pomposo  had  been  too  much  for  him,  and  had  produced 
sensations  accurately  interpreted  by  Mr.  Bouncer,  who 
forthwith  represented  in  expressive  pantomine,  the 
actions  of  a  distressed  voyager,  when  he  feebly  mur 
murs,  "  Steward !  " 

To  atone  for  the  "chaffing"  which  he  had  been  the 
means  of  inflicting  on  his  friend,,  the  little  gentleman, 
a  few  days  afterwards,  proposed  to  take  our  hero  to  the 
Chipping  Norton  Steeple-chase,  —  Mr.  Smalls  and 
Mr.  Fosbrooke  making  up  the  quartet  for  a  tandem. 
It  was  on  their  return  from  the  races,  that,  after  hav 
ing  stopped  at  "  The  Bear "  at  Woodstock,  "  to  wash 
out  the  horses'  mouths,"  and  having  done  this  so 
effectually  that  the  horses  had  appeared  to  have  no 
mouths  left,  and  had  refused  to  answer  the  reins,  and 
had  smashed  the  cart  against  a  house,  which  had 
seemed  to  have  danced  into  the  middle  of  the  road  for 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


319 


their  diversion,  —  and,  after  having  put  back  to  "  The 
Bear,"  and  prevailed  upon  that  animal  to  lend  them  a 
nondescript  vehicle  of  the  "pre-adamite  buggy"  spe 
cies,  described  by  Sidney  Smith, — that,  much  time 
having  been  consumed  by  the  progress  of  this  chapter 
of  accidents,  they  did  not  reach  Peyman's  Gate  until 
a  late  hour;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  that  he  was 


once  more  in  difficulties.  For  they  had  no  sooner  got 
through  the  gate,  than  the  wild  octaves  from  Mr. 
Bouncer's  post-horn  were  suddenly  brought  to  a  full 
stop,  and  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  who  was  the  "waggoner," 
was  brought  to  Woh !  and  was  compelled  to  pull  up 
in  obedience  to  the  command  of  the  proctor,  who,  as 
on  a  previous  occasion,  suddenly  appeared  from  behind 
the  toll-house,  in  company  with  his  marshall  and  bull 
dogs. 

The  Sentence  pronounced  on  our  hero  the  next 
day,  was,  "Sir!  —  You  will  translate  all  your  lec 
tures;  have  your  name  crossed  on  the  buttery  and 

21 


320   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

kitchen  books;  and  be  confined  to  chapel,  hall,  and 
college." 

This  sentence  was  chiefly  annoying,  inasmuch  as 
it  somewhat  interfered  with  the  duties  and  pleasures 
attendant  upon  his  boating  practice.  For,  wonderful 
to  relate,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  so  much  improved 
in  the  science,  that  he  was  now  "  Number  3  "  of  his 
college  "Torpid,"  and  was  in  hard  training.  The 
Torpid  races  commenced  on  March  loth,  and  were 
continued  on  the  following  days.  Our  hero  sent  his 
father  a  copy  of  "  Tintinnabulum's  Life, "  which  —  after 
informing  the  Manor  Green  family  that  "the  boats 
took  up  positions  in  the  following  order:  Brazenose, 
Exeter  I,  Wadham,  Baliol,  St.  John's,  Pembroke,  Uni 
versity,  Oriel,  Brazenface,  Christ  Church  i,  Worcester, 
Jesus,  Queen's,  Christ  Church  2,  Exeter  2"  -pro 
ceeded  to  enter  into  particulars  of  each  day's  sport,  of 
which  it  is  only  necessary  to  record  such  as  gave  inter 
est  to  our  hero's  family. 

"First  day.  .  .  .  Brazenface  refused  to  acknowl 
edge  the  bump  by  Christ  Church  (i)  before  they  came 
to  the  Cherwell.  There  is  very  little  doubt  but  that 
they  were  bumped  at  the  Gut  and  the  Willows.  .  .  . 

"  Second  day.  .  .  .  Brazenface  rowed  pluckily  away 
from  Worcester.  .  .  . 

"Third  day.  ...  A  splendid  race  between  Brazen- 
face  and  Worcester;  and,  at  the  flag,  the  latter  were 
within  a  foot;  they  did  not,  however,  succeed  in 
bumping.  The  cheering  from  the  Brazenface  barge 
was  vociferous.  .  .  . 

"  Fourth  day.  .  .  .  Worcester  was  more  fortunate, 
and  succeeded  in  making  the  bump  at  the  Cherwell,  in 
consequence  of  No.  3  of  the  Brazenface  boat  fainting 
from  fatigue." 


AN  OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 

Under  "No.  3"  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  drawn  a 
pencil  line,  and  had  written  "V.  G."  He  shortly 
after  related  to  his  family  the  gloomy  particulars  of 
the  bump,  when  he  returned  home  for  the  Easter 
vacation. 


322   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


CHAPTER  XL 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  GETS  THROUGH  HIS  SMALLS. 

DESPITE  the  hindrance 
which  the  grande 
passion  is  supposed 
to  bring  to  the  stu 
dent,  Charles  Lar- 
kyns  had  made  very 
good  use  of  the  op 
portunities  afforded 
him  by  the  leisure 
of  his  grace-term. 
Indeed,  as  he  him 
self  observed, 

"  Who  hath  not  owned,  with  rapture-smitten  frame, 
The  power  of  grace?  " 

And  as  he  felt  that  the  hours  of  his  grace-term  had  not 
been  wasted  in  idleness,  but  had  been  turned  to  profit 
able  account,  it  is  not  at  all  unlikely  that  his  pleasures 
of  hope  regarding  his  Degree-examination,  and  the 
position  his  name  would  occupy  in  the  Class-list, 
were  of  a  roseate  hue.  He  therefore,  when  the  Easter 
vacation  had  come  to  an  end,  returned  to  Oxford  in 
high  spirits,  with  our  hero  and  his  friend  Mr.  Bouncer, 
who,  after  a  brief  visit  to  "the  Mum,"  had  passed  the 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  323 

remainder  of  the  vacation  at  the  Manor  Green.  Bur- 
ing  these  few  holiday  weeks,  Charles  Larkyns  had 
acted  as  private  tutor  to  his  two  friends,  and  had,  in 
the  language  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  "put  them  through  their 
paces  uncommon;"  for  the  little  gentleman  was  going 
in  for  his  Degree,  alias  Great-go,  alias  Greats;  and 
our  hero  for  his  first  examination  *;/  literis  humanion- 
bus,  alias  Responsions,  alias  Little-go,  alias  Smalls. 
Thus  the  friends  returned  to  Oxford  mutually  benefited 
but,  as  the  time  for  examination  drew  nearer  and  still 
nearer,  the  fears  of  Mr.  Bouncer  rose  in  a  gradation  of 
terrors,  that  threatened  to  culminate  in  an  actual 


see,"  said  the  little  gentleman,  "the  Mum's 
set  her  heart  on  my  getting  through,  and  I  must  read 
like  the  doose.      And  I  havn't  got  the  head,  you  see, 
for  Latin  and  Greek;    and  that  beastly  Euclid  alto 
gether  stumps  me;  and  I  feel  as  though  I  should  come 
to  grief      I'm   blowed,"  the  little   gentleman  would 
cry,  earnestly  and  sadly,  "I'm  blow'd  if  I  don't  think 
they  must  have  given  me  too  much  pap  when  I  was  a 
babby,   and  softened  my  brains!  or  else,  why  can't 
walk  into  these  classical  parties  just  as  easy  as  you, 
Charley,  or  old  Gig-lamps  there  ?    But  I  can't,  you  see 
my  brains  are  addled.     They  say  it  ain't  a  bad  thing 
for  reading  to  get  your  head  shaved.      It  cools  your 
brains,  and  gives  full  play  to  what  you  call  your  intel 
lectual  faculties.      I  think  I  shall  try  the  dodge,  and 
get  a  gent's  real  head  of  hair,  till  after  the  exam.  ;  and 
then,  when  I  've  stumped  the  examiners,   I  can  wear 
my  own  luxuriant  locks  again." 

And,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  professed,  so  did  he;  and,  not 
many  days  after,  astonished  his  friends  and  the 


324   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

varsity  generally  by  appearing  in  a  wig  of  curly  black 
hair.  It  was  a  pleasing  sight  to  see  the  little  gentle 
man  with  a  scalp  like  a  billiard  ball,  a  pipe  in  his 
mouth,  and  the  wig  mounted  on  a  block,  with  books 
spread  before  him,  endeavouring  to  persuade  himself 
that  he  was  working  up  his  subjects.  It  was  still  more 
pleasing  to  view  him,  in  moments  of  hilarity,  divest 
himself  of  his  wig,  and  hurl  it  at  the  scout,  or  any 
other  offensive  object  that  appeared  before  him.  And 
it  was  a  sight  not  to  be  forgotten  by  the  beholders, 
when,  after  too  recklessly  partaking  of  an  indiscrimi 
nate  mixture  of  egg-flip,  sangaree,  and  cider-cup,  he 
feebly  threw  his  wig  at  the  spectacles  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  and,  overbalanced  by  the  exertion,  fell  back 
into  the  coal-scuttle,  where  he  lay,  bald-headed  and 
helpless,  laughing  and  weeping  by  turns,  and  caressed 
by  Huz  and  Buz. 

But  the  shaving  of  his  head  was  not  the  only  feature 
(or,  rather,  loss  of  feature)  that  distinguished  Mr. 
Bouncer's  reading  for  his  degree.  The  gentleman 
with  the  limited  knowledge  of  the  cornet-a-piston, 
who  had  the  rooms  immediately  beneath  those  of  our 
hero  and  his  friend,  had  made  such  slow  progress  in 
his  musical  education,  that  he  had  even  now  scarcely 
got  into  his  "  Cottage  near  a  Wood."  This  gentleman 
was  Mr.  Bouncer's  Frankenstein.  He  was  always 
rising  up  when  he  was  not  wanted.  When  Mr.  Boun 
cer  felt  as  if  he  could  read,  and  sat  down  to  his  books, 
wigless  and  determined,  the  doleful  legend  of  the 
cottage  near  a  wood  was  forced  upon  him  in  an 
unpleasingly  obtrusive  and  distracting  manner.  It 
was  in  vain  that  Mr.  Bouncer  sounded  his  octaves  in 
all  their  discordant  variations;  the  gentleman  had  no 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  325 

ear,  and  was  not  to  be  put  out  of  his  cottage  on  any 
terms  :  Mr.  Bouncer's  notices  of  ejectment  were  always 
disregarded.  He  had  hoped  that  the  ears  of  Mr. 
Slowcoach  (whose  rooms  were  in  the  angle  of  the 
Quad)  would  have  been  pierced  by  the  noise,  and  that 
he  would  have  put  a  stop  to  the  nuisance;  but,  either 
from  its  being  too  customary  a  custom,  or  that  the  ears 
of  Mr.  Slowcoach  had  grown  callous,  the  nuisance  was 
suffered  to  continue  unreproved. 

Mr.  Bouncer  resolved,  therefore,  on  some  desperate 
method  of  calling  attention  to  one  nuisance,  by  crea 
ting  another  of  a  louder  description;  and,  as  his 
octaves  appeared  to  fail  in  this,  —  notwithstanding  the 
energy  and  annoying  ability  that  he  threw  into  them, 
-  he  conceived  the  idea  of  setting  up  a  drum !  The 
plan  was  no  sooner  thought  of  than  carried  out. 
He  met  with  an  instrument  sufficiently  large  and  for 
midable  for  his  purpose, —  hired  it,  and  had  it  stealthily 
conveyed  into  college  (like  another  Falstaff)  in  a  linen 
"buck-basket."  He  waited  his  opportunity;  and,  the 
next  time  that  the  gentleman  in  the  rooms  beneath 
took  his  cornet  to  his  cottage  near  a  wood,  Mr.  Boun 
cer,  stationed  on  the  landing  above,  played  a  thundering 
accompaniment  on  his  big  drum. 

The  echoes  from  the  tightened  parchment  rolled 
round  the  Quad,  and  brought  to  the  spot  a  rush  of 
curious  and  excited  undergraduates.  Mr.  Bouncer,  — • 
after  taking  off  his  wig  in  honour  of  the  air,  —  then 
treated  them  to  the  National  Anthem,  arranged  as  a 
drum  solo  for  two  sticks,  the  chorus  being  sustained 
by  the  voices  of  those  present;  when  in  the  midst  of 
the  entertainment,  the  reproachful  features  of  Mr. 
Slowcoach  appeared  upon  the  scene.  Sternly  the  tutor 


326   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


demanded  the  reason  of  the  strange  hubbub;  and  was 
answered  by  Mr.  Bouncer,  that,  as  one  gentleman  was 
allowed  to  play  his  favourite  instrument  whenever  he 
chose,  for  his  own  but  no  one  else's  gratification,  he 

could  not  see  why  he 

i 


(Mr.  Bouncer)  might 
not  also,  whenever 
he  pleased,  play  for 
his  own  gratification 
his  favourite  instru- 
ment  —  the  big 
drum.  This  specious 
excuse,  although 
logical,  was  not  al 
together  satisfactory 
to  Mr.  Slowcoach; 
and,  with  some  as 
perity,  he  ordered 
Mr.  Bouncer  never 
again  to  indulge  in, 
what  he  termed  (in 

reference  probably  to  the  little  gentleman's  bald  head) 
"such  an  indecent  exhibition."  But,  as  he  further 
ordered  that  the  cornet-a-piston  gentleman  was  to  in- 
strumentally  enter  into  his  cottage  near  a  wood,  only 
at  stated  hours  in  the  afternoon,  Mr.  Bouncer  had 
gained  his  point  in  putting  a  stop  to  the  nuisance  so 
far  as  it  interfered  with  his  reading;  and,  thenceforth, 
he  might  be  seen  on  brief  occasions  persuading  him 
self  that  he  was  furiously  reading  and  getting  up  his 
subjects  by  the  aid  of  those  royal  roads  to  knowledge, 
variously  known  as  cribs,  crams,  plugs,  abstracts,  anal 
yses,  or  epitomes. 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


327 


But,  besides  the  assistance  thus  afforded  to  him  out 
of  the  schools,  Mr.  Bouncer,  like  many  others,  idle  as 
well  as  ignorant,  intended  to  assist  himself  when  in 
the  schools  by  any  contrivance  that  his  ingenuity  could 
suggest,  or  his  audacity  carry  out. 

"It's  quite  fair,"  was  the  little  gentleman's  argu 
ment,  "to  do  the  examiners  in  any  way  that  you  can, 
as  long  as  you  only  go  in  for  a  pass.  Of  course,  if 
you  were  going  in  for  a  class,  or  a  scholarship,  or 
any  thing  of  that  sort,  it  would  be  no  end  mean  and 
dirty  to  crib;  and  the  gent  that  did  it  ought  to  be 
kicked  out  of  the  society  of  gentlemen.  But  when 
you  only  go  in  for  a  pass,  and  ain't  doing  any  one  any 
harm  by  a  little  bit  of  cribbing,  but  choose  to  run  the 
risk  to  save  yourself  the  bother  of  being  ploughed, 
why  then,  I  think,  a  feller  's  bound  to  do  what  he  can 
for  himself.  And,  you  see,  in  my  case,  Gig-lamps, 
there's  the  Mum  to  be  considered;  she'd  cut  up 
doosid,  if  I  didn't  get  through;  so  I  must  crib  a  bit, 
if  it's  only  for  her  sake." 

But  although  the  little  gentleman  thus  made  filial 
tenderness  the  excuse  for  his  deceit,  and  the  salve  for 
his  conscience,  yet  he  could  neither  persuade  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  to  follow  his  example,  nor  to  be  a  con 
vert  to  his  opinions;  nor  would  he  be  persuaded  by 
our  hero  to  relinquish  his  designs. 

"Why,  look  here,  Gig-lamps!"  Mr.  Bouncer  would 
say;  "how  can  I  relinquish  them,  after  having  had  all 
this  trouble?  I  '11  put  you  up  to  a  few  of  my  dodges 
—  free,  gratis,  for  nothing.  In  the  first  place,  Gig- 
lamps,  you  see  here  's  a  small  circular  bit  of  paper, 
covered  with  Peloponnesian  and  Punic  wars,  and  no 
end  of  dates,  —  written  small  and  short,  you  see,  but 


328  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

quite  legible,  — with  the  chief  things  done  in  red  ink. 
Well,  this  gentleman  goes  in  the  front  of  my  watch, 
under  the  glass;  and  when  I  get  stumped  for  a  date, 
out  comes  the  watch;  —  I  look  at  the  time  of  day  — 
you  understand,  and  down  goes  the  date.  Here  's 
another  dodge!"  added  the  little  gentleman — who 
might  well  have  been  called  "the  Artful  Dodger"  — 


as  he  produced  a  shirt  from  a  drawer.  "  Look  here, 
at  the  wristbands !  Here  are  all  the  Kings  of  Israel 
and  Judah,  with  their  dates  and  prophets,  written 
down  in  India-ink,  so  as  to  wash  out  again.  You 
twitch  up  the  cuff  of  your  coat,  quite  accidentally,  and 
then  you  book  your  king.  You  see,  Gig-lamps,  I  don't 
like  to  trust,  as  some  fellows  do,  to  having  what  you 
want,  written  down  small  and  shoved  into  a  quill,  and 
passed  to  you  by  some  man  sitting  in  the  schools; 
that 's  dangerous,  don't  you  see.  And  I  don't  like  to 
hold  cards  in  my  hand ;  I  've  improved  on  that,  and 
invented  a  first-rate  dodge  of  my  own,  that  I  intend  to 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  329 

take  out  a  patent  for.     Like  all  truly  great  inventions, 
it's  no  end  simple.      In  the  first  place,  look  straight 
afore  you,  my  little  dear,  and  you  will  see  this  pack  of 
cards,  — all  made  of  a  size,  nice  to  hold  in  the  palm 
of  your  hand;    they  're  about  all  sorts  of  rum  things, 
—  every  thing  that  I  want.     And  you  see  that  each 
beggar's  got   a  hole  drilled   in   him.      And   you  see, 
here's  a  longish   string  with   a   little   bit  of  hooked 
wire  at  the  end,  made  so  that  I  can  easily  hang  the 
card  on  it.     Well,  I  pass  the  string  up  my  coat  sleeve, 
and  down  under  my  waistcoat;  and  here,  you  see,  I  've 
got  the  wire  end   in  the  palm  of  my  hand.      Then   I 
slip  out  the  card  I  want,  and  hook  it  on  to  the  wire, 
so  that  I  can  have  it  just  before  me  as  I  write.      Then, 
if  any  of  the  examiners  look  suspicious,  or  if  one  of 
them  comes  round  to  spy,  I  just  pull  the  bit  of  string 
that   hangs   under  the   bottom   of   my  waistcoat,    and 
away  flies  the  card  up  my  coat  sleeve;  and  when  the 
examiner  comes  round,  he  sees  that  my  hand  's  never 
moved,  and  that  there  's  nothing  in  it!     So  he  walks 
off  satisfied;  and  then  I  shake  the  little  beggar  out  of 
my  sleeve  again,  and  the  same  game  goes  on  as  before. 
And  when  the  string's  tight,  even  straightening  your 
body   is    quite   sufficient   to   hoist   the  card  into  your 
sleeve,   without  moving  either  of  your  hands.      I  've 
got  an    Examination-coat    made   on    purpose,    with    a 
heap  of  pockets,    in  which   I   can   stow  my  cards  in 
regular  order.     These  three  pockets/'  said  Mr.  Boun- 
cer,  as  he  produced  the  coat,  "are  entirely  for  Euclid. 
Here's   each   problem  written   right   out  on  a  card; 
they're  laid  regularly  in  order,  and  I  turn  them  over 
in  my  pocket,  till  I  get  hold  of  the  one  I  want,  and 
then   I  take   it  out,   and  work   it.      So  you  see,   Gig- 


330   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

lamps,  I  'm  safe  to  get  through  !  —  it 's  impossible  for 
them  ^  to    plough    me,    with    all    these    contrivances. 
That 's  a  consolation  for  a  cove  in  distress,  ain't  it 
old  feller? " 

Both  our  hero  and  Charles  Larkyns  endeavoured  to 
persuade  Mr.  Bouncer  that  his  conduct  would,  at  the 
very  least,  be  foolhardy,  and  that  he  had  much  better 
throw  his  pack  of  cards  into  the  fire,  wash  the  Kings 
of  Israel  and  Judah  off  his  shirt,  destroy  his  strings 
and  hooked  wires,  and  keep  his  Examination-coat  fora 
shooting  one.  But  all  their  arguments  were  in  vain; 
and  the  infatuated  little  gentleman,  like  a  deaf  adder,' 
shut  his  ears  at  the  voice  of  the  charmer. 

What  between  the  Cowley  crickctings,  and  the  Isis 
boatings,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  only  read  by  spasmodic 
fits;  but,  as  he  was  very  fairly  up  in  his  subjects  — 
thanks  to  Charles  Larkyns  and  the  Rector  — and  as 
the  Little-go  was  not  such  a  very  formidable  affair, 
or  demanded  a  scholar  of  first -rate  calibre,  the  only 
terrors  that  the  examination  could  bring  him  were 
those  which  were  begotten  of  nervousness.  At  length 
the  lists  were  out;  and  our  hero  read  among  the  names 
of  candidates,  that  of 

"  GREEN,  Verdant,  }  Coll.  ^n.  Fac." 

There  is  a  peculiar  sensation  on  first  seeing  your 
name  in  print.  Instances  are  on  record  where  people 
have  taken  a  world  of  trouble  merely  that  they  may 
have  the  pleasure  of  perusing  their  names  "among 
the  fashionables  present "  at  the  Countess  of  So-and- 
so's  evening-reception;  and  cases  are  not  wanting 
where  young  ladies  and  gentlemen  have  expended  no 
small  amount  of  pocket-money  in  purchasing  copies  of 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  331 

"The  Times"  (no  reduction,  too,  being  made  on  tak 
ing  a  quantity!)  in  order  that  their  sympathising 
friends  might  have  the  pride  of  seeing  their  names  as 
coming  out  at  drawing-rooms  and  levies.  When  a 
young  M.P.  has  stammered  out  his  conp-d'essai  in  the 
House,  he  views,  with  mingled  emotions,  his  name 
given  to  the  world,  for  the  first  time,  in  capital  letters. 
When  young  authors  and  artists  first  see  their  names 
in  print,  is  it  not  a  pleasure  to  them?  When  Ensign 
Dash  sees  himself  gazetted,  does  he  not  look  on  his 
name  with  a  peculiar  sensation,  and  forthwith  send 
an  impression  of  the  paper  to  Master  Jones,  who  was 
flogged  with  him  last  week  for  stealing  apples  ?  When 
Mr.  Smith  is  called  to  the  Bar,  and  Mr.  Robinson  can 
dub  himself  M.R.C.  S. ,  do  they  not  behold  their 
names  in  print  with  feelings  of  rapture?  And  when 
Miss  Brown  has  been  to  her  first  ball,  does  she  not 
anxiously  await  the  coming  of  the  next  county  news 
paper,  in  order  to  have  the  happiness  of  reading  her 
name  there? 

But,  different  to  these  are  the  sensations  that  attend 
the  seeing  your  name  first  in  print  in  a  College  exami 
nation-list.  They  are,  probably,  somewhat  similar  to 
the  sensations  you  would  feel  on  seeing  your  name  in 
a  death-warrant.  Your  blood  runs  hot,  then  cold, 
then  hot  again;  your  pulse  goes  at  fever  pace;  the 
throbbing  arteries  of  your  brow  almost  jerk  your  cap 
off.  You  know  that  the  worst  is  come,  —  that  the  law 
of  the  Dons,  which  altereth  not,  has  fixed  your  name 
there,  and  that  there  is  no  escape.  The  courage  of 
despair  then  takes  possession  of  your  soul,  and  nerves 
you  for  the  worst.  You  join  the  crowd  of  nervous 
fellow-sufferers  who  are  thronging  round  the  buttery- 


332   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


door  to  examine  the  list,  and  you  begin  with  them 
calmly  to  parcel  out  the  names  by  sixes  and  eights, 
and  then  to  arrive  at  an  opinion  when  your  day  of 
execution  will  be.  If  your  name  comes  at  the  head  of 
the  list,  you  wish  that  you  were  "  YOUNG,  Carolus, 
e  Coll.  Vigorn"  that  you  might  have  a  reprieve  of  your 
sentence.  If  your  name  is  at  the  end  of  the  list,  you 
wish  you  were  "  ADAMS,  Edvardtis  Jacobus,  e  Coll. 
Univ."  that  you  might  go  in  at  once,  and  be  put  out 
of  your  misery.  If  your  name  is  in  the  middle  of  the 
list,  you  wish  that  it  were  elsewhere:  and  then  you 
wish  that  it  were  out  of  the  list  altogether. 

Through  these  varying  shades   of  emotion  did  Mr. 

Verdant  Green  pass, 
;i!||  until  at  length  they 
were  all  lost  in  the 
deeper  gloom  of  ac 
tual  entrance  into 
the  schools.  When 
once  there,  his  fright 
soon  passed  away. 
Reassured  by  the 
kindly  voice  of  the 
examiner,  telling 
him  to  read  over  his 
Greek  before  con 
struing  it,  our  hero 
recovered  his  equa 
nimity,  and  got  through  his  vivd  voce  with  flying 
colours ;  and,  on  glancing  over  his  paper-work,  soon 
saw  that  the  questions  were  within  his  scope,  and 
that  he  could  answer  most  of  them.  Without  hazard 
ing  his  success  by  making  "bad  shots,"  he  contented 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  333 

himself  by  answering  those  questions  only  on  which 
he  felt  sure;  and,  when  his  examination  was  over, 
he  left  the  schools  with  a  pretty  safe  conviction  that 
he  was  safe,  "and  was  well  through  his  smalls." 

He  could  not  but  help,  however,  feeling  some  anx 
iety  on  the  subject,  until  he  was  relieved  from  all 
further  fears,  by  the  arrival  of  Messrs.  Fosbrooke, 
Smalls,  and  Blades,  with  a  slip  of  paper  (not  unlike 
those  which  Mr.  Levi,  the  sheriff's  officer,  makes  use 
of),  on  which  was  written  and  printed  as  follows :  — 

"  GREEN,  VERDANT,  E  COLL.  &X.  FAC. 

Quaestionibus  Magistrorum  Scholarum  in  Parviso  pro  forma 

respondit. 

Ita  testamur,    \  GULIELMUS  SMITH, 
Junii  7,  18— ."  <  ROBERTUS  JONES. 

Alas  for  Mr.  Bouncer !  Though  he  had  put  in  prac 
tice  all  the  ingenious  plans  which  were  without  a 
doubt  to  ensure  his  success;  and  though  he  had  worked 
his  cribs  with  consummate  coolness,  and  had  not  been 
discovered;  yet,  nevertheless,  his  friends  came  to  him 
empty-handed.  The  infatuated  little  gentleman  had 
either  trusted  too  much  to  his  own  astuteness,  or  else 
he  had  over-reached  himself,  and  had  used  his  card- 
knowledge  in  wrong  places;  or,  perhaps,  the  examiners 
may  have  suspected  his  deeds  from  the  nature  of  his 
papers,  and  may  have  refused  to  pass  him.  But  what 
ever  might  be  the  cause,  the  little  gentleman  had  to 
defer  taking  his  degree  for  some  months  at  least.  In  a 
word  —  and  a  dreadful  word  it  is  to  all  undergraduates 
—  Mr.  Bouncer  was  PLUCKED  !  He  bore  his  unexpected 
reverse  of  fortune  very  philosophically,  and  professed 
to  regret  it  only  for  "the  Mum's"  sake;  but  he  seemed 
to  feel  that  the  Dons  of  his  college  would  look  shy 


334  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

upon  him,  and  he  expressed  his  opinion  that  it  would 
be  better  for  him  to  migrate  to  the  Tavern.1 

But,  while  Mr.  Bouncer  was  thus  deservedly  pun 
ished  for  his  idleness  and  duplicity,  Charles  Larkyns 
was  rewarded  for  all  his  toil.  He  did  even  better 
than  he  had  expected :  for,  not  only  did  his  name  appear 
in  the  second  class,  but  the  following  extra  news 
concerning  him  was  published  in  the  daily  papers, 
under  the  very  appropriate  heading  of  "  University 
Intelligence." 

"  OXFORD,  June  9.  —  The  Chancellor's  prizes  have  been  awarded 
as  follows :  — 

"  Latin  Essay,  Charles  Larkyns,  Commoner  of  Brazenface.  The 
New  digate  Prize  for  English  Verse  was  also  awarded  to  the  same 
gentleman." 

His  writing  for  the  prize  poem  had  been  a  secret. 
He  had  conceived  the  idea  of  doing  so  when  the  sub 
ject  had  been  given  out  in  the  previous  "long:"  he 
had  worked  at  the  subject  privately,  and,  when  the 
day  (April  i)  on  which  the  poems  had  to  be  sent  in, 
had  come,  he  had  watched  his  opportunity,  and  secretly 
dropped  through  the  wired  slit  in  the  door  of  the 
registrar's  office  at  the  Clarendon,  a  manuscript  poem, 
distinguished  by  the  motto:  — 

"  Oh  for  the  touch  of  a  vanish'd  hand 
And  the  sound  of  a  voice  that  is  still." 

We  may  be  quite  sure  that  there  was  great  rejoicing 
at  the  Manor  Green  and  the  Rectory,  when  the  news 
arrived  of  the  success  of  Charles  Larkyns  and  Mr. 
Verdant  Green. 

1  A  name  given' to  New  Inn  Hall,  not  only  from  its  title,  "New 
Inn,"  but  also  because  the  buttery  is  open  all  day,  and  the  mem 
bers  of  the  Hall  can  call  for  what  they  please  at  any  hour,  the 
same  as  in  a  tavern. 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


335 


CHAPTER   XII. 

MR.     VERDANT     GREEN     AND     HIS     FRIENDS     ENJOY    THE 
COMMEMORATION. 

THE  Commemoration  had 
come;  and,  among  the 
people  who  were  drawn 
to  the  sight  frtfm  all 
parts  of  the  country, 
the  Warwickshire  coach 
landed  in  Oxford  our 
friends  Mr.  Green,  his 
two  eldest  daughters, 
and  the  Rector  —  for 
all  of  whom  Charles 
Larkyns  had  secured 
very  comfortable  lodg 
ings  in  Oriel  Street. 

The  weather  was  of 
the  finest ;  and  the  beau 
tiful  city  of  colleges  looked  at  its  best.  While  the 
Rector  met  with  old  friends,  and  heard  his  son's  praises, 
and  renewed  his  acquaintance  with  his  old  haunts  of 
study,  Mr.  Green  again  lionised  Oxford  in  a  much  more 
comfortable  and  satisfactory  manner  than  he  had  pre 
viously  done  at  the  heels  of  a  professional  guide.  As 


336  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

for  the  young  ladies,  they  were  charmed  with  every 
thing;  for  they  had  never  before  been  in  an  University 
town,  and  all  things  had  the  fascination  of  novelty. 
Great  were  the  luncheons  held  in  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
and  Charles  Larkyns'  rooms;  musical  was  the  laughter 
that  floated  merrily  through  the  grave  old  quads  of 
Brazenface;  happy  were  the  two  hearts  that  held  con 
verse  with  each  other  in  those  cool  cloisters  and  shady 
gardens.  How  a  few  flounces  and  bright  girlish  smiles 
can  change  the  aspect  of  the  sternest  homes  of  knowl 
edge  !  How  sunlight  can  be  brought  into  the  gloom 
iest  nooks  of  learning  by  the  beams  that  irradiate 
happy  girlish  faces,  where  the  light  of  love  and  truth 
shines  out  clear  and  joyous!  How  the  appearance  of 
the  Commemoration  week  is  influenced  in  a  way  thus 
described  by  one  of  Oxonia's  poets:  — 

"  Peace  !  for  in  the  gay  procession  brighter  forms  are  borne  along  — 
Fairer  scholars,  pleasure-beaming,  float  amid  the  classic  throng. 
Blither  laughter's  ringing  music  fills  the  haunts  of  men  awhile, 
And  the  sternest  priests  of  knowledge  blush  beneath  a  maiden's 

smile. 

Maidens  teach  a  softer  science —  laughing  Love  his  pinions  dips, 
Hush'd  to  hear  fantastic  whispers  murmur'd  from  a  pedant's  lips. 
Oh,  believe  it,  throbbing  pulses  flutter  under  folds  of  starch, 
And  the  Dons  are  human-hearted  if  the  ladies'  smiles  be  arch/' 

Thanks  to  the  influence  of  Charles  Larkyns  and  his 
father,  the  party  were  enabled  to  see  all  that  was  to 
be  seen  during  the  Commemoration  week.  On  the 
Saturday  night  they  went  to  the  amateur  concert  at 
the  Town  Hall,  in  aid  of  which,  strange  to  say,  Mr. 
Bouncer's  proffer  of  his  big  drum  had  been  declined. 
On  the  Sunday  they  went,  in  the  morning,  to  St. 
Mary's  to  hear  the  Bampton  lecture;  and,  in  the  after- 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  337 

noon,  to  the  magnificent  choral  service  at  New  College. 
In  the  evening  they  attended  the  customary  "Show 
Sunday "  promenade  in  Christ  Church  Broad  Walk, 
where,  under  the  delicious  cool  of  the  luxuriant  foli 
age,  they  met  all  the  rank,  beauty,  and  fashion  that 
were  assembled  in  Oxford;  and  where,  until  Tom 
"tolled  the  hour  for  retiring,"  they  threaded  their  way 
amid  a  miscellaneous  crowd  of  Dons  and  Doctors,  and 
Tufts  and  Heads  of  Houses, — 

With  prudes  for  Proctors,  dowagers  for  Deans, 
And  bright  girl-graduates  with  their  golden  hair. 

On  the  Monday  they  had  a  party  to  Woodstock  and 
Blenheim;  and  in  the  evening  went,  on  the  Brazenface 
barge,  to  see  the  procession  of  boats,  where  the  Misses 
Green  had  the  satisfaction  to  see  their  brother  pulling 
in  one  of  the  fifteen  torpids  that  followed  immediately 
in  the  wake  of  the  other  boats.  They  concluded  the 
evening's  entertainments  in  a  most  satisfactory  man 
ner,  by  going  to  the  ball  at  the  Town  Hall. 

Indeed,  the  way  the  two  young  ladies  worked  was 
worthy  of  all  credit,  and  proved  them  to  be  possessed 
of  the  most  vigorous  constitutions ;  for,  although  they 
danced  till  an  early  hour  in  the  morning,  they  not 
only,  on  the  next  day,  went  to  the  anniversary  sermon 
for  the  Radcliffe,  and  after  that  to  the  horticultural 
show  in  the  Botanical  Gardens,  and  after  that  to  the 
concert  in  the  Sheldonian  Theatre,  but  —  as  though 
they  had  not  had  enough  to  fatigue  them  already  - 
they  must,  forsooth  —  Brazenface  being  one  of  the 
ball-giving  colleges  —  wind  up  the  night  by  accepting 
the  polite  invitation  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr. 
Charles  Larkyns  to  a  ball  given  in  their  college  hall. 


338  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

And  how  many  polkas  these  young  ladies  danced,  and 
how  many  waltzes  they  waltzed,  and  how  many  ices 
they  consumed,  and  how  many  too  susceptible  partners 
they  drove  to  the  verge  of  desperation,  it  would  be 
improper,  if  not  impossible,  to  say. 

But,  however  much  they  might  have  been  fagged  by 
their  exertions  of  feet  and  features,  it  is  certain  that, 


by  ten  of  the  clock  the  next  morning,  they  appeared, 
quite  fresh  and  charming  to  the  view,  in  the  ladies' 
gallery  in  the  theatre.  There  —  after  the  proceedings 
had  been  opened  by  the  undergraduates  in  their  pecu 
liar  way,  and  by  the  Vice-Chancellor  in  his  peculiar 
wav  —  anclj  after  the  degrees  had  been  conferred,  and 
the  public  orator  had  delivered  an  oration  in  a  tongue 
not  understanded  of  the  people,  our  friends  from  War 
wickshire  had  the  delight  of  beholding  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns  ascend  the  rostrums  to  deliver,  in  their  proper 
order,  the  Latin  Essay  and  the  English  Verse.  He 


AN   OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE. 


339 


had  chosen  his  friend  Verdant  to  be  his  prompter;  so 
that  the  well-known  " gig-lamps"  of  our  hero  formed, 
as  it  were,  a  very  focus  of  attraction:  but  it  was  well 
for  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  that  he  was  possessed  of  self- 
control  and  a  good  memory,  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
was  far  too  nervous  to  have  prompted  him  in  any  effi 


cient  manner.  We  may  be  sure,  that  in  all  that  bevy 
of  fair  women,  at  least  one  pair  of  bright  eyes  kindled 
with  rapture,  and  one  heart  beat  with  exulting  joy, 
when  the  deafening  cheers  that  followed  the  poet's 
description  of  the  moon,  the  sea,  and  woman's  love 
(the  three  ingredients  which  are  apparently  necessary 
for  the  sweetening  of  all  prize  poems),  rang  through 


340   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

the  theatre  and  made  its  walls  re-echo  to  the  shouting. 
And  we  may  be  sure  that,  when  it  was  all  over,  and 
when  the  Commemoration  had  come  to  an  end,  Charles 
Larkyns  felt  rewarded  for  all  his  hours  of  labour  by 
the  deep  love  garnered  up  in  his  heart  by  the  trustful 
affection  of  one  who  had  become  as  dear  to  him  as  life 
itself! 


It  was  one  morning  after  they  had  all  returned  to 
the  Manor  Green  that  our  hero  said  to  his  friend, 
"How  I  do  wish  that  this  day  week  were  come!" 

"I  dare  say  you  do,"  replied  the  friend;  "and  I 
dare  say  that  the  pretty  Patty  is  wishing  the  same 
wish."  Upon  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  not  only 
laughed  but  blushed! 

For  it  seemed  that  he,  together  with  his  sisters,  Mr. 
Charles  Larkyns,  and  Mr.  Bouncer,  were  about  to  pay 
a  long-vacation  visit  to  Honeywood  Hall,  in  the  county 
of  Northumberland;  and  the  young  man  was  naturally 
looking  forward  to  it  with  all  the  ardour  of  a  first  and 
consuming  passion. 


PART    III. 


MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  MARRIED  AND  DONE  FOR. 


CHAPTER   I. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  TRAVELS  NORTH. 

ULY:  fierce  and  burn 
ing! 

A  day  to  tinge  the 
green  corn  with  a 
golden  hue.  A  day 
to  scorch  grass  into 
hay  between  sunrise 
and  sunset.  A  day 
in  which  to  rejoice  in 
the  cool  thick  masses 
of  trees,  and  to  lie  on  one's  back  under  their  canopy, 
and  look  dreamily  up,  through  its  rents,  at  the  peep  of 
hot,  cloudless,  blue  sky.  A  day  to  sit  on  shady  banks 
upon  yielding  cushions  of  moss  and  heather,  from 
whence  you  gaze  on  bright  flowers  blazing  in  the  blaz 
ing  sun,  and  rest  your  eyes  again  upon  your  book  to  find 
the  lines  swimming  in  a  radiance  of  mingled  green  and 
red.  A  day  that  fills  you  with  amphibious  feelings, 
and  makes  you  desire  to  be  even  a  dog,  that  you  might 
bathe  and  paddle  and  swim  in  every  roadside  brook 


342  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN 

and  pond,  without  the  exertion  of  dressing  and  un 
dressing,  and  yet  with  propriety.  A  day  that  sends  you 
out  by  willow-hung  streams,  to  fish,  as  an  excuse  for 
idleness.  A  day  that  drives  you  dinnerless  from  smok 
ing  joints,  and  plunges  you  thirstfully  into  barrels  of 
beer.  A  day  that  induces  apathetic  listlessness  and 
total  prostration  of  energy,  even  under  the  aggravating 
warfare  of  gnats  and  wasps.  A  day  that  engenders 
pity  for  the  ranks  of  ruddy  haymakers,  hotly  marching 
on  under  the  merciless  glare  of  the  noonday  sun.  A  day 
when  the  very  air,  steaming  up  from  the  earth,  seems 
to  palpitate  with  the  heat.  A  day  when  Society  has 
left  its  cool  and  pleasant  country-house,  and  finds 
itself  baked  and  burnt  up  in  town,  condemned  to 
ovens  of  operas,  and  fiery  furnaces  of  levees  and  draw 
ing-rooms.  A  day  when  even  ice  is  warm,  and  per 
spiring  visitors  to  the  Zoological  Gardens  envy  the 
hippopotamus  living  in  his  bath.  A  day  when  a  hot, 
frizzling,  sweltering  smell  ascends  from  the  ground,  as 
though  it  was  the  earth's  great  ironing  day.  And  — 
above  all  —  a  day  that  converts  a  railway  traveller  into 
a  martyr,  and  a  first-class  carriage  into  a  moving  repre 
sentation  of  the  Black  Hole  of  Calcutta. 

So  thought  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  as  he  whirled  onward 
to  the  far  north,  in  company  with  his  three  sisters, 
Miss  Bouncer,  and  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns.  Being  six 
in  number,  they  formed  a  snug  (and  hot)  family  party, 
and  filled  the  carriage,  to  the  exclusion  of  little  Mr. 
Bouncer,  who,  nevertheless,  bore  this  temporary  and 
unavoidable  separation  with  a  tranquil  mind,  inasmuch 
as  it  enabled  him  to  ride  in  a  second-class  carriage, 
where  he  could  the  more  conveniently  indulge  in  the 
furtive  pleasures  of  the  Virginian  weed.  But,  to  keep 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   343 

up  his  connection  with  the  party,   and  to  prove  that 
his   interest   in  them   could  not  be  diminished  by  a 
brief  and   enforced  absence,   Mr.    Bouncer  paid  them 
flying  visits  at  every  station,  keeping  his  pipe  alight 
by   a   puff    into   the    carriage,    accompanied    with    an 
expression    of   his   full    conviction   that    Miss    Fanny 
Green  had  been  smoking,  in  defiance  of  the  company's 
by-laws.     These  rapid   interviews  were  enlivened  by 
Mr.  Bouncer  informing  his  friends  that  Huz  and  Buz 
(who  were  panting  in  a  locker)  were  as  well  as  could 
be  expected,  and  giving  any  other  interesting  particu 
lars  regarding  himself,    his    fellow-travellers,    or   the 
country  in  general,  that  could  be  compressed  into  the 
space  of  sixty  seconds  or  thereabouts;  and  the  visits 
were  regularly  and  ruthlessly  brought   to   an   abrupt 
termination  by  the  angry  "Now,   then,   sir!"  of  the 
guard,  and  the  reckless  thrusting  of  the  little  gentle 
man  into  his  second-class  carriage,   to  the  endanger- 
ment  of  his  life  and  limbs,  and  the  exaggerated  display 
of  authority  on  the  part  of  the  railway  official. 

Mr.  Bouncer's  mercurial  temperament  had  enabled 
him  to  get  over  the  little  misfortune  that  had  followed 
upon  his  examination  for  his  degree;  but  he  still  pre 
served  a  memento  of  that  hapless  period  in  the  shape 
of  a  wig  of  curly  black  hair.  For  he  found,  during 
the  summer  months,  such  coolness  from  his  shaven 
poll,  that,  in  spite  of  "the  mum's"  entreaties,  he 
would  not  suffer  his  own  luxuriant  locks  to  grow,  but 
declared  that,  till  the  winter  at  any  rate,  he  would 
wear  his  gent's  real  head  of  hair;  and  in  order  that 
our  railway  party  should  not  forget  the  reason  for  its 
existence,  Mr.  Bouncer  occasionally  favoured  them 
with  a  sight  of  his  bald  head,  and  also  narrated  to 


344  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

them,  with  great  glee,  how,  when  a  very  starchy  lady 
of  a  certain  age  had  left  their  carriage,  he  had  called 
after  her  upon  the  platform  —  holding  out  his  wig  as 
he  did  so  — that  she  had  left  some  of  her  property 
behind  her;  and  how  the  passengers  and  porters  had 
grinned,  and  the  starchy  lady  had  lost  all  her  stiffen 
ing  through  the  hotness  of  her  wrath. 

York  at  last!     A  half-hour's   escape  from  the  hot 
carriage,   and  a  hasty  dinner  on   cold  lamb  and  cool 
salad   in   the  pleasant   refreshment -room   hung  round 
with  engravings.      Mr.    Bouncer's  dinner  is  got  over 
with  incredible  rapidity,  in  order  that  the  little  gentle 
man  may  carry  out  his  humane  intention  of  releasing 
Huz  and  Buz  from  their  locker,  and  giving  them  their 
dinner  and  a  run  on  the  remote  end  of  the  platform,  at 
a  distance  from  timid    spectators;    which    design    is 
satisfactorily  performed,   and   crowned  with  a  douche 
bath  from  the  engine -pump.     Then,  away  again  to  the 
rabbit-hole  of  a   locker,   the  smoky  second-class  car 
riage  and  the  stuffy  first-class;  incarcerated  in  which 
black-hole,  the  plump  Miss  Bouncer,  notwithstanding 
that  she  has  removed  her  bonnet  and  all  superfluous 
coverings,  gets  hotter  than  ever  in  the  afternoon  sun, 
and  is  seen,  ever  and  anon,  to  pass  over  her  glowing 
face  a  handkerchief  cooled  with  the  waters  of  Cologne. 
And,  when  the  man  with  the  grease-pot  comes  round 
to   look  at   the  tires   of  the  wheels,    the    sight  of  it 
increases  her  warmth   by  suggesting  a  desire  (which 
cannot  be  gratified)  for  lemon  ice.      Nevertheless,  they 
have  with  them  a  variety  of  cooling  refreshments,  and 
their  hot-house  fruit  and  strawberries  are  most  accept 
able.     The  Misses  Green  have  wisely  followed  their 
friend's  example,  in  the  removal  of  bonnets  and  man- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  345 

ties;  and,  as  they  amuse  themselves  with  books  and 
embroidery,  the  black-hole  bears,  as  far  as  possible,  a 
resemblance  to  a  boudoir.  Charles  Larkyns  favours 
the  company  with  extracts  from  "The  Times;"  reads 
to  them  the  last  number  of  Dickens'  new  tale,  or 
directs  their  attention  to  the  most  note-worthy  points 
on  their  route.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  seated  vis-a-vis 
to  the  plump  Miss  Bouncer,  and  benignant ly  beams 


upon  her  through  his  glasses,  or  musingly  consults 
his  "Bradshaw"  to  count  how  much  nearer  they  have 
crept  to  their  destination,  the  while  his  thoughts  have 
travelled  on  in  the  very  quickest  of  express  trains,  and 
have  already  reached  the  far  north. 

Thus  they  journey:  crawling  under  the  stately  old 
walls  of  York ;  then,  with  a  rush  and  a  roar,  sliding 
rapidly  over  the  level  landscape,  from  whence  they  can 
look  back  upon  the  glorious  Minster  towers  standing 
out  grey  and  cold  from  the  sunlit  plain.  Then,  to 
Darlington ;  and  on  by  porters  proclaiming  the  names 


346  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

of  stations  in  uncouth  Dunelmian  tongue,  informing 
passengers  that  they  have  reached  "  Faweyill "  and 
"Fensoosen,"  instead  of  "Ferry  Hill"  and  "Fence 
Houses,"  and  terrifying  nervous  people  by  the  com 
mand  to  "Change  here  for  Doom!"  when  only  the 
propinquity  of  the  palatinate  city  is  signified.  And 
so,  on  by  the  triple  towers  of  Durham  that  gleam  in 
the  sun  with  a  ruddy  orange  hue;  on,  leaving  to  the 
left  that  last  resting-place  of  Bede  and  St.  Cuthbert, 
on  the  rock 

"  Where  his  cathedral,  huge  and  vast, 
Looks  down  upon  the  Wear." 

On,  past  the  wonderfully  out-of-place  "Durham  monu 
ment,"  a  Grecian  temple  on  a  naked  hill  among  the 
coal-pits;  on,  with  a  double  curve,  over  the  Wear, 
laden  with  its  Rhine-like  rafts;  on,  to  grimy  Gates- 
head  and  smoky  Newcastle,  and,  with  a  scream  and  a 
rattle,  over  the  wonderful  High  Level  (then  barely 
completed),  looking  down  with  a  sort  of  self-satisfied 
shudder  upon  the  bridge,  and  the  Tyne,  and  the  fleet 
of  colliers,  and  the  busy  quays,  and  the  quaint  timber- 
built  houses  with  their  overlapping  storys,  and  pic 
turesque  black  and  white  gables.  Then,  on  again, 
after  a  cool  delay  and  brief  release  from  the  black- 
hole;  on,  into  Northumbrian  ground,  over  the  Wans- 
beck;  past  Morpeth;  by  Warkworth,  and  its  castle, 
and  hermitage;  over  the  Coquet  stream,  beloved  by 
the  friends  of  gentle  Izaak  Walton  ;  on,  by  the  sea-side 
—  almost  along  the  very  sands  —  with  the  refreshing 
sea-breeze,  and  the  murmuring  plash  of  the  breakers  — 
the  Misses  Green  giving  way  to  childish  delight  at  this 
their  first  glimpse  of  the  sea;  on,  over  the  Aln,  and 
past  Alnwick;  and  so  on,  still  further  north,  to  a 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   347 

certain  little  station,  which  is  the  terminus  of  their 
railway  journey,  and  the  signal  of  their  deliverance 
from  the  black-hole. 

There,  on  the  platform  is  Mr.  Honeywood,  looking 
hale  and  happy,  and  delighted  to  receive  his  posse  of 
visitors;  and  there,  outside  the  little  station,  is  the 
carriage  and  dog-cart,  and  a  spring-cart  for  the  lug 
gage.  Charles  Larkyns  takes  possession  of  the  dog 
cart,  in  company  with  Mary  arid  Fanny  Green,  and 
little  Mr.  Bouncer;  while  Huz  and  Buz,  released  from 
their  weary  imprisonment,  caracole  gracefully  around 
the  vehicle.  Mr.  Honeywood  takes  the  reins  of  his 
own  carriage;  Mr.  Verdant  Green  mounts  the  box 
beside  him;  Miss  Bouncer  and  Miss  Helen  Green  take 
possession  of  the  open  interior  of  the  carriage;  the 
spring-cart,  with  the  servants  and  luggage,  follows  in 
the  rear;  and  off  they  go. 

But,  though  the  two  blood-horses  are  by  no  means 
slow  of  action,  and  do,  in  truth,  gallop  apace  like 
fiery-footed  steeds,  yet  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  anx 
ious  mind  they  seem  to  make  but  slow  progress;  and 
the  magnificent  country  through  which  they  pass  offers 
but  slight  charms  for  his  abstracted  thoughts;  until 
(at  last)  they  come  in  sight  of  a  broken  mountain- 
range,  and  Mr.  Honeywood,  pointing  with  his  whip, 
exclaims,  "  Yon  's  the  Cheevyuts,  as  they  say  in  these 
parts;  there  are  the  Cheviot  Hills;  and  there,  just 
where  you  see  that  gleam  of  light  on  a  white  house 
among  some  trees  — there  is  Honeywood  Hall." 

Did  Mr.  Verdant  Green  remove  his  eyes  from  that 
object  of  attraction,  save  when  intervening  hills,  for  a 
time,  hid  it  from  his  view?  did  he,  when  they  neared 
it,  and  he  saw  its  landscape  beauties  bathed  in  the 


348   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

golden  splendours  of  a  July  sunset,  did  he  think  it  a 
very  paradise  that  held  within  its  bowers  the  Peri  of 
his  heart's  worship  ?  did  he  —  as  they  passed  the  lodge, 
and  drove  up  an  avenue  of  firs  —  did  he  scan  the  win 
dows  of  the  house,  and  immediately  determine  in  his 
own  mind  which  was  HER  window,  oblivious  to  the 
fact  that  SHE  might  sleep  on  the  other  side  of  the 
building?  did  he,  as  they  pulled  up  at  the  door,  scru 
tinise  the  female  figures  who  were  there  to  receive 
them,  and  experience  a  feeling  made  up  of  doubt  and 
certainty,  that  there  was  one  who,  though  not  present, 
was  waiting  near  with  a  heart  beating  as  anxiously  as 
his  own?  did  he  make  wild  remarks,  and  return  inco 
herent  answers,  until  the  long-expected  moment  had 
come  that  brought  him  face  to  face  with  the  adorable 
Patty?  did  he  envy  Charles  Larkyns  for  possessing  and 
practising  the  cousinly  privilege  of  bestowing  a  kiss 
upon  her  rosy  cheeks  ?  and  did  he,  as  he  pressed  her 
hand,  and  marked  the  heightened  glow  of  her  happy 
face,  did  he  feel  within  his  heart  an  exultant  thrill 
of  joy  as  the  fervid  thought  fired  his  brain  —  one  day 
she  may  be  mine? 
Perhaps ! 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  349 


CHAPTER    II. 

MR.      VERDANT     GREEN     DELIVERS     MISS     PATTY     HONEY- 
WOOD    FROM    THE    HORNS    OF    A    DILEMMA. 


YEN  if  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  had  not  been 
filled  with  the  pecu- 
1  i  a  r  1  y  pleasurable 
sensations  to  which 
allusion  has  just  been 
made,  it  is  yet  ex 
ceedingly  probable 
that  he  would  have 
found  his  visit  to 
Honeywood  Hall  one  of  those  agreeable  and  notable 
events  which  the  memory  of  after-years  invests  with 
the  couleur  du  rose. 

In  the  first  place  —  even  if  Miss  Patty  was  left  out 
of  the  question  —  every  one  was  so  particularly  atten 
tive  to  him,  that  all  his  wants,  as  regarded  amusement 
and  occupation,  were  promptly  supplied,  and  not  a 
minute  was  allowed  to  hang  heavily  upon  his  hands. 
And,  in  the  second  place,  the  country,  and  its  people 
and  customs,  had  so  much  freshness  and  peculiarity, 
that  he  could  not  stir  abroad  without  meeting  with 
novelty.  New  ideas  were  constantly  received ;  and 


35O  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

other  sensations  of  a  still  more  delightful  nature  were 
daily  deepened.  Thus  the  time  passed  pleasantly 
away  at  Honeywood  Hall,  and  the  hours  chased  each 
other  with  flying  feet. 

Mr.  Honeywood  was  a  squire,  or  laird ;  and  though 
the  prospect  from  the  hall  was  far  too  extensive  to 
allow  of  his  being  monarch  of  all  that  he  surveyed,  yet 
he  was  the  proprietor  of  no  inconsiderable  portion. 
The  small  village  of  Honeybourn,  — which  brought  its 
one  wide  street  of  long,  low,  lime-washed  houses  hard 
by  the  hall,  — •  owned  no  other  master  than  Mr.  Honey- 
wood  ;  and  all  its  inhabitants  were,  in  one  way  or  other, 
his  labourers.  They  had  their  own  blacksmith,  shoe 
maker,  tailor,  and  carpenter;  they  maintained  a  general 
shop  of  the  tea-coffee-tobacco-and-snuff  genus;  and  they 
lived  as  one  family,  entirely  independent  of  any  other 
village.  In  fact,  the  villages  in  that  district  were  as 
sparingly  distributed  as  are  "livings"  among  poor 
curates,  and,  when  met  with,  were  equally  as  small; 
and  so  it  happened,  that  as  the  landowners  usually 
resided,  like  Mr.  Honeywood,  among  their  own  people, 
a  gentleman  would  occasionally  be  as  badly  off  for  a 
neighbour,  as  though  he  had  been  a  resident  in  the 
backwoods  of  Canada.  This  evil,  however,  was  pro 
ductive  of  good,  in  that  it  set  aside  the  possibility  of 
a  deliberate  interchange  of  formal  morning-calls,  and 
obliged  neighbours  to  be  hospitable  to  each  other,  sans 
cttrtmonie,  and  with  all  good  fellowship.  To  drive 
fifteen,  twenty,  or  even  five-and-twenty  miles,  to  a 
dinner  party  was  so  common  an  occurrence,  that  it 
excited  surprise  only  in  a  stranger,  whose  wonderment 
at  this  voluntary  fatigue  would  be  quickly  dispelled  on 
witnessing  the  hearty  hospitality  and  friendly  freedom 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   351 

that  made  a  north  country  visit  so  enjoyable,  and 
robbed  the  dinner  party  of  its  ordinary  character  of  an 
English  solemnity. 

Close  to  Honeybourn  village  was  the  Squire's  model 
farm,  with  its  wide-spreading  yards  and  buildings,  and 
its  comfortable  bailiff's  house.  In  a  morning  at  sun 
rise,  when  our  Warwickshire  friends  were  yet  in  bed, 
such  of  them  as  were  light  sleepers  would  hear  a  not 
very  melodious  fanfare  from  a  cow's  horn  —  the  signal 
to  the  village  that  the  day's  work  was  begun,  which 
signal  was  repeated  at  sunset.  This  old  custom  pos 
sessed  uncommon  charms  for  Mr.  Bouncer,  whose  only 
regret  was  that  he  had  left  behind  him  his  celebrated 
tin  horn.  But  he  took  to  the  cow-horn  with  the  readi 
ness  of  a  child  to  a  new  plaything;  and,  having  placed 
himself  under  the  instruction  of  the  Northumbrian 
Koenig,  was  speedily  enabled  to  sound  his  octaves  and 
go  the  complete  unicorn  (as  he  was  wont  to  express  it, 
in  his  peculiarly  figurative  eastern  language)  with  a 
still  more  astounding  effect  than  he  had  done  on  his 
former  instrument.  The  little  gentleman  always  made 
a  point  of  thus  signalling  the  times  of  the  arrival  and 
departure  of  the  post,  —  greatly  to  the  delight  of 
small  Jock  Muir,  who,  girded  with  his  letter-bag,  and 
mounted  on  a  highly-trained  donkey,  rode  to  and  fro 
to  the  neighbouring  post-town. 

Although  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  not  (according  to 
Mr.  Bouncer)  "a  bucolical  party,"  and  had  not  any 
very  amazing  taste  for  agriculture,  he  nevertheless 
could  not  but  feel  interested  in  what  he  saw  around 
him.  To  one  who  was  so  accustomed  to  the  small 
enclosures  and  timbered  hedge-rows  of  the  midland 
counties,  the  country  of  the  Cheviots  appeared  in  a 
23 


352  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

grand,  though  naked  aspect,  like  some  stalwart  gladia 
tor  of  the  stern  old  times.  The  fields  were  of  large 
extent ;  and  it  was  no  uncommon  sight  to  see,  within 
one  boundary  fence,  a  hundred  acres  of  wheat,  rippling 
into  mimic  waves,  like  some  inland  sea.  The  flocks 
and  herds,  too,  were  on  a  grand  scale;  men  counted 
their  sheep,  not  by  tens,  but  by  hundreds.  Every 
thing  seemed  to  be  influenced,  as  it  were,  by  the  large 
character  of  the  scenery.  The  green  hills,  with  their 
short  sweet  grass,  gave  good  pasture  for  the  fleecy 
tribe,  who  were  dotted  over  the  sward  in  almost  count 
less  numbers;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  as  much 

gratified    with    "the 

silly  sheep " as  with 

any  thing  else  that 
he  witnessed  in  that 
land  of  novelty.  To 
see  the  shepherd, 
with  his  bonnet  and 
grey  plaid,  and  long 
slinging  step,  walk- 

^     ••      i       _          |,  ing  first,  and  the  flock 

~"  following   him,  —  to 

hear  him  call  the  sheep  by  name,  and  to  perceive  how 
he  knew  them  individually,  and  how  they  each  and  all 
would  answer  to  his  voice,  was  a  realisation  of  Scrip 
ture  reading,  and  a  northern  picture  of  Eastern  life. 

The  head  shepherd,  old  Andrew  Graham  —  an  active 
youth  whose  long  snowy  locks  had  been  bleached  by 
the  snows  of  eighty  winters  —  was  an  especial  favourite 
of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's,  who  would  never  tire  of  his 
company,  or  of  his  anecdotes  of  his  marvellous  dogs. 
His  cottage  was  at  a  distance  from  the  village,  up  in 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  353 

a  snug  hollow  of  one  of  the  hills.  There  he  lived,  and 
there  had  been  brought  up  his  six  sons,  and  as  many 
daughters.  Of  the  latter,  two  were  out  at  service  in 
noble  families  of  the  county;  one  was  maid  to  the 
Misses  Honey  wood,  and  the  three  others  were  at 
home.  How  they  and  the  other  inmates  of  the  cottage 
were  housed,  was  a  mystery ;  for,  although  old  Andrew 
was  of  a  superior  condition  in  life  to  the  other  cot 
tagers  of  Honeybourn,  yet  his  domicile  was  like  all 
the  rest  in  its  arrangements  and  accommodation.  It 
was  one  moderately  large  room,  fitted  up  with  cup 
boards,  in  which,  one  above  another,  were  b'erths,  like 
to  those  on  board  a  steamer.  In  what  way  the  morn 
ing  and  evening  toilettes  were  performed  was  a  still 
greater  mystery  to  our  Warwickshire  friends;  never 
theless,  the  good-looking  trio  of  damsels  were  always 
to  be  found  neat,  clean,  and  presentable;  and,  as  their 
mother  one  day  proudly  remarked,  they  were  "  douce, 
sonsy  bairns,  wi'  weel-faur'd  nebs;  and,  for  puir  folks, 
would  be  weel  tochered."  Upon  which  our  hero  said 
"Indeed!"  which,  as  he  had  not  the  slightest  idea 
what  the  good  woman  meant,  was,  perhaps,  the  wisest 
remark  that  he  could  have  made. 

One  of  them  was  generally  to  be  found  spinning  at 
her  muckle  wheel,  retiring  and  advancing  to  the  music 
of  its  cheerful  hum,  the  while  her  spun  thread  was 
rapidly  coiled  up  on  the  spindle.  The  others,  as  they 
busied  themselves  in  their  household  duties,  or  bright 
ened  up  the  delf  and  pewter,  and  set  it  out  on  the 
shelf  to  its  best  advantage,  would  join  in  some  plain 
tive  Scotch  ballad,  with  such  good  taste  and  skill  that 
our  friends  would  frequently  love  to  linger  within 
hearing,  though  out  of  sight.  But  these  artless  ditties 


354   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

were  sometimes  specially  sung  for  them  when  they  paid 
the  cottage-room  a  visit,  and  sat  around  its  canopied, 
projecting  fire-place.  For,  old  Andrew  was  a  great 
smoker;  and  little  Mr.  Bouncer  was  exceedingly  fond 
of  waylaying  him  on  his  return  home,  and  "blowing 
a  cloud  "  with  so  loquacious  and  novel  a  companion. 
And  Mr.  Verdant  Green  sometimes  joined  him  in 
these  visits;  on  which  occasions,  as  harmony  was  the 


order  of  the  day,  he  would  do  his  best  to  further  it  by 
singing  "Marble  Halls,"  or  any  other  song  that  his 
limited  repertoire  could  boast;  while  old  Andrew  would 
burst  into  "Tullochgorum,"  or  do  violence  to  "Get  up 
and  bar  the  door." 

It  must  be  confessed,  that  the  conversation  at  such 
times  was  sustained  not  without  difficulty.  Old 
Andrew,  his  wife,  and  the  major  portion  of  his  family, 
were  barely  able  to  understand  the  language  of  their 
guests,  whom  they  persisted  in  generalising  as  "cannie 
Soothrons; "  while  the  guests,  on  their  part,  could  not 


THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR. 

altogether  arrive  at  the  meaning  of  observations  that 
were  couched  in  the  most  incomprehensible  patois 
that  was  ever  invented.  It  was  "neither  fish,  flesh, 
nor  good  red  herring,"  although  it  was  flavoured  with 
the  Northumbrian  burr,  and  mixed  with  a  species  of 
Scotch;  and  the  historian  of  these  pages  would  feel 
almost  as  much  difficulty  in  setting  down  this  north- 
Northumbrian  dialect,  as  he  would  do  were  he  to 
attempt  to  reduce  to  words  the  bird-like  chatter  of  the 

Bosjesmen. 

When,   for  example,   the  bewigged  Mr.    Bouncer  - 
"the  laddie  wi'  the  black  pow,"  as  they  called  him - 
was  addressed  as  "Hinny!  jist  come  ben,   and  crook 
yer  hough  on  the  settle,  and  het  yersen  by  the  chim 
ney-lug,"  it  was  as  much  by  action  as  by  word  that  he 
understood  an    invitation    to    be   seated;    though    the 
"wet  yer  thrapple  wi'  a  drap  o'  whuskie,  mon !  ' 
easier  of  comprehension  when  accompanied  with  the 
presentation   of   the  whiskey-horn.      In    like  manner, 
when  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  arrival  was  announced  by 
the  furious  barking  of  the  faithful  dogs,  the  apology 
that  "  the  camstary  breutes  of  dougs  would  not  steek 
their  clatterin'   gabs,"  was  accepted  as  an  ample  ex 
planation,  more  from  the  dogs  being  quieted  than  from 
the  lucidity  of  the  remark  that  explained  their  uproar. 
There  was  one  class  of  lady-labourers,   peculiar  to 
that  part  of  the  country,  who  were  called  Bondagers, 
—  great   strapping  damsels   of  three  or   four-woman- 
power,    whose  occupation   it  was  to   draw  water,  and 
perform   some  of  the   rougher  duties  attendant  upon 
agricultural  pursuits.     The  sturdy  legs  of  these  young 
ladies  were  equipped  in  greaves  of  leather,  which  pro 
tected    them    from    the    cutting    attacks   of   stubble, 


35$   THE  ADVENTURES  pF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

thistles,  and  all  other  lacerating  specimens  of  botany 
and  their  exuberant  figures  were  clad  in  buskins  and 
many-coloured  garments,  that  were  not  long  enou-h  to 
conceal  their  greaves  and  clod-hopping  boots.  Alto 
gether,  these  young  women,  when  engaged  at  their 
ordinary  avocations  by  the  side  of  a  spring,  formed  no 
unpicturesque  subject  for  the  sketcher's  pencil,  and 

might  have  been  ad 
vantageously  trans 
ferred  to  canvas  by 
many  an  artist  who 
travels  to  greater  dis 
tances  in  search  of 
lesser  novelties.1 

But  many  peculiar 
subjects  for  the  pen 
cil  might  there  have 
been  found.  One  day 
when  they  were  all 
going  to  see  the  ewe- 
milking  (which  of 
itself  would  have  fur 
nished  material  for 
a  host  of  sketches), 

they  suddenly  came  upon  the  following  scene.      Round 
by  the  gable  of  a  cottage  was  seated  a  shock-headed 

1  In  north-Northumberland,  farm-labourers  are  usually  hired 
by  the  year  — from  Whitsunday  to  Whitsunday  —  and  are  paid 
mostly  in  kind,— so  many  bolls  of  oats,  barley,  and  peas  —  so 
much  flax  and  wheat  —  the  keep  of  a  cow,  and  the  addition  of  a 
few  pounds  in  money.  Every  hind  or  labourer  is  bound,  in  return 
for  his  house,  to  provide  a  woman-labourer  to  the  farmer,  for  so 
much  a  day  throughout  the  year  —  which  is  usually  tenpence  a  day 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN   357 


rustic   Absalom,    and  standing  over  him  was  another 
rustic,  who,  with  a  large  pair  of  shears,  was  acting  as 
an  amateur  Tonson,  and  was  earnestly  engaged  in  re 
ducing     the     other's 
profuse  head  of  hair; 
an     occupation    upon 
which  he  busied  him 
self   with    more    zeal 
than    discretion.      Of 
this  little  scene  Miss 
Patty     Honeywood 
forthwith     made     a 
memorandum. 

For  Miss  Patty 
possessed  the  envi 
able  accomplishment 
of  sketching  from  na 
ture;  and,  leaving  the 

beaten  track  of  young-lady  figure-artists,  who  usually 
limit  their  efforts  to  chalk-heads  and  crayon  smudges, 
she  boldly  launched  into  the  more  difficult,  but  far 
more  pleasing  undertaking  of  delineating  the  human 
form  divine  from  the  very  life.  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
found  this  sketching  from  nature  to  be  so  pretty  a 


in  summer,  and  eightpence  in  winter ;  and  as  it  often  happens  that 
he  has  none  of  his  own  family  fit  for  the  work,  he  has  to  hire  a 
woman,  at  large  wages,  to  do  it.  As  the  demand  is  greater  than 
the  supply  there  is  not  always  a  strict  inquiry  into  the  "  bonda- 
ger's  "  character.  As  with  the  case  of  hop-pickers —  whom  these 
bondagers  somewhat  resemble  both  socially  and  morally  —  they 
are  oftentimes  the  inhabitants  of  densely-populated  towns,  who  are 
tempted  to  live  a  brief  agricultural  life,  not  so  much  from  the 
temptation  of  the  wages,  as  from  the  desire  to  pass  a  summer-time 
in  the  country. 


358   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

pastime,  that  though  unable  of  himself  to  produce  the 
feeblest  specimen  of  art,  he  yet  took  the  greatest 
delight  in  watching  the  facility  with  which  Miss 
Patty's  taper  fingers  transferred  to  paper  the  vraisem- 
blance  of  a  pair  of  sturdy  Bondagers,  or  the  miniature 
reflection  of  a  grand  landscape.  Happily  for  him, 
also,  by  way  of  an  excuse  for  bestowing  his  company 
upon  Miss  Patty,  he  was  enabled  to  be  of  some  use  to 
her  in  carrying  her  sketching-block  and  box  of  moist 
water-colours,  or  in  bringing  to  her  water  from  a 
neighbouring  spring,  or  in  sharpening  her  pencils. 
On  these  occasions  Verdant  would  have  preferred  their 
being  left  to  the  sole  enjoyment  of  each  other's  com 
pany;  but  this  was  not  so  to  be,  for  they  were  always 
favoured  with  the  attendance  of  at  least  a  third  person. 

But  (at  last!)  on  one  happy  day,  when  the  bright 
sunshine  was  reflected  in  Miss  Patty  Honeywood's 
bright-beaming  face,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  him 
self  wandering  forth, 

"  All  in  the  blue,  unclouded  weather," 

with  his  heart's  idol,  and  no  third  person  to  intrude 
upon  their  duet.  The  alleged  purport  of  the  walk 
was,  that  Miss  Patty  might  sketch  the  ruined  church 
of  Lasthope,  which  was  about  two  miles  distant  from 
the  Hall.  To  reach  it  they  had  to  follow  the  course 
of  the  Swirl,  which  ran  through  the  Squire's  grounds. 

The  Swirl  was  a  brawling,  picturesque  stream;  at 
one  place  narrowing  into  threads  of  silver  between 
lichen-covered  stones  and  fragments  of  rock;  at  another 
place  flowing  on  in  deep  pools  — 

"  Wimpling,  dimpling,  staying  never  — 
Lisping,  gurgling,  ever  going, 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   359 

Sipping,  slipping,  ever  flowing, 
Toying  round  the  polish'd  stone ;  "  x 

fretting  "in  rough,  shingly  shallows  wide,"  and  then 
"bickering  down  the  sunny  day."  On  one  day  it 
might,  in  places,  and  with  the  aid  of  stepping-stones, 
be  crossed  dryshod;  and  within  twenty-four  hours  it 
might  be  swelled  by  mountain  torrents  into  a  river 
wider  than  the  Thames  at  Richmond.  This  sudden 
growth  of  the 

"  Infant  of  the  weeping  hills," 

was  the  reason  why  the  high  road  was  carried  over  the 
Swirl  by  a  bridge  of  ten  arches  — •  a  circumstance 
which  had  greatly  excited  little  Mr.  Bouncer's  ideas 
of  the  ridiculous  when  he  perceived  the  narrow  stream 
scarcely  wide  enough  to  wet  the  sides  of  one  of  the 
arches  of  the  great  bridge  that  straggled  over  it,  like 
a  railway  viaduct  over  a  canal.  But,  ere  his  visit  to 
Honeywood  Hall  had  come  to  an  end,  the  little  gentle 
man  had  more  than  once  seen  the  Swirl  swollen  to  its 
fullest  dimensions,  and  been  enabled  to  recognise  the 
use  of  the  bridge,  and  the  full  force  of  the  local 
expression  —  "the  waeter  is  grit." 

As  Verdant  and  Miss  Patty  made  their  way  along 
the  bank  of  this  most  changeable  stream,  they  came 
upon  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  knee-deep  in  it,  equipped 
in  his  wading-boots  and  fishing  dress,  and  industriously 
whipping  the  water  for  trout.  The  Swirl  was  a  famous 
trout-stream,  and  Mr.  Honey  wood's  coachman  was  a 
noted  fisherman,  and  was  accustomed  to  pass  many  of 
his  nights  fishing  the  stream  with  a  white  moth.  It 
appeared  that  the  finny  inhabitants  of  the  Swirl  were 

1  Thomas  Aird. 


360  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

as  fond  of  whitebait  as  are  Cabinet  Ministers  and 
London  aldermen;  for  the  coachman's  deeds  of  dark 
ness  invariably  resulted  in  the  production  of  a  fine 
dish  of  freshly-caught  trout  for  the  breakfast-table. 

"It  must  be  hard  work,"  said  Verdant  to  his  friend, 
as  they  stopped  awhile  to  watch  him ;  "  it  must  be  hard 

work  to  make  your  way 
against  the  stream,  and  to 
clamber  in  and  out  among 
the  rocks  and  stones." 

"Not  at  all  hard  work," 
was  Charles  Larkyns's  re 
ply,  "  but  play.  Play,  too, 
in  more  senses  than  one. 
See!  I  have  just  struck  a 
fish.  Watch,  while  I  play 
him.  '  The  play 's  the  thing!' 
Wait  awhile  and  you  '11  see 
me  land  him,  or  I  'm  much 
mistaken." 

So  they  waited  awhile  and  watched  this  fisherman  at 
play,  until  he  had  triumphantly  landed  his  fish,  and 
then  they  pursued  their  way. 

Miss  Patty  had  great  conversational  abilities  and 
immense  power  of  small  talk,  so  that  Verdant  felt 
quite  at  ease  in  her  society,  and  found  his  natural 
timidity  and  quiet  bashfulness  to  be  greatly  dimin 
ished,  even  if  they  were  not  altogether  put  on  one 
side.  They  were  always  such  capital  friends,  and 
Miss  Patty  was  so  kind  and  thoughtful  in  making 
Verdant  appear  to  the  best  advantage,  and  in  looking 
over  any  little  gaucherics  to  which  his  bashfulness 
might  give  birth,  that  it  is  not  to  be  wondered  at  if 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   361 

the  young  gentleman  should  feel  great  delight  in  her 
society,  and  should  seek  for  it  at  every  opportunity. 
In  fact,  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  was  beginning  to  be 
quite  necessary  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  happy  exist 
ence.  It  may  be  that  the  young  lady  was  not  altogether 
ignorant  of  this,  but  was  enabled  to  read  the  young 
man's  state  of  mind,  and  to  judge  pretty  accurately 
of  his  inward  feelings,  from  those  minute  details  of 
outward  evidence  which  womankind  are  so  quick  to 
mark,  and  so  skilful  in  tracing  to  their  true  source. 
It  may  be,  also,  that  the  young  lady  did  not  choose 
either  to  check  these  feelings  or  to  alter  this  state  of 
mind  —  which  she  certainly  ought  to  have  done  if  she 
was  solicitous  for  her  companion's  happiness,  and  was 
unable  to  increase  it  in  the  way  that  he  wished. 

But,  at  any  rate,  with  mutual  satisfaction  for  the 
present,  they  strolled  together  along  the  Swirl's  rocky 
banks,  and  passing  into  a  large  enclosure,  they  advanced 
midway  through  the  fields  to  a  spot  which  seemed  a 
suitable  one  for  Miss  Patty's  purpose.  The  brawling 
stream  made  a  good  foreground  for  the  picture,  which, 
on  the  one  side,  was  shut  in  by  a  steep  hill  rising  pre 
cipitously  from  the  water's  rough  bed,  and  on  the  other 
side  opened  out  into  a  mountainous  landscape,  having 
in  the  near  view  the  ruined  church  of  Lasthope,  with 
the  still  more  ruinous  minister's  house,  a  fir  planta 
tion,  and  a  rude  bridge;  with  a  middle  distance  of 
bold,  sheep-dotted  hills;  and  for  a  background  the 
"  sow-backed  "  Cheviot  itself. 

Miss  Patty  had  made  her  outline  of  this  scene,  and 
was  preparing  to  wash  it  in,  when,  as  her  companion 
came  up  from  the  stream  with  a  little  tin  can  of  water, 
he  saw,  to  his  equal  terror  and  amazement,  a  huge  bull 


362   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

of  the  most  uninviting  aspect  stealthily  approaching 
the  seated  figure  of  the  unconscious  young  lady.  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  looked  hastily  around  and  at  once  per 
ceived  the  danger  that  menaced  his  fair  friend.  It 
was  evident  that  the  bull  had  come  up  from  the  further 
end  of  the  large  enclosure,  the  while  they  had  been 
too  occupied  to  observe  his  stealthy  approach.  No 


one  was  in  sight  save  Charles  Larkyns,  who  was  too 
far  off  to  be  of  any  use.  The  nearest  gate  was  about 
a  hundred  and  fifty  yards  distant;  and  the  bull  was  so 
placed  that  he  could  overtake  them  before  they  would 
be  able  to  reach  it.  Overtake  them  !  —  yes  !  But  sup 
pose  they  separated  ?  then,  as  the  brute  could  not  go 
two  ways  at  once,  there  would  be  a  chance  for  one  of 
them  to  get  through  the  gate  in  safety.  Love,  which 
induces  people  to  take  extraordinary  steps,  prompted 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  to  jump  at  a  conclusion.  He 
determined,  with  less  display  but  more  sincerity  than 
melodramatic  heroes,  to  save  Miss  Patty,  or  "perish 
in  the  attempt." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  363 

She  was  seated  on  the  rising  bank  altogether  ignorant 
of  the  presence  of  danger ;  and,  as  Verdant  returned  to 
her  with  the  tin  can  of  water,  she  received  him  with  a 
happy  smile,  and  a  gush  of  pleasant  small  talk,  which  our 
hero  immediately  repressed  by  saying,  "  Don't  be  fright 
ened —  there  is  no  danger  —  but  there  is  a  bull  coming 
towards  us.  Walk  quietly  to  that  gate,  and  keep  your 
face  towards  him  as  much  as  possible,  and  don't  let 
him  see  that  you  are  afraid  of  him.  I  will  take  off  his 
attention  till  you  are  safe  at  the  gate,  and  then  I  can 
wade  through  the  stream  and  get  out  of  his  reach. " 

Miss  Patty  had  at  once  sprung  to  her  feet/and  her 
smile  had  changed  to  a  terrified  expression.  "  Oh,  but 
he  will  hurt  you!"  she  cried;  "do  come  with  me.  It 
is  Papa's  bull  '  Roarer;'  he  is  very  savage.  I  can't 
think  what  brings  him  here  —  he  is  generally  up  at  the 
bailiff's.  Pray  do  come;  I  can  take  care  of  myself." 

Miss  Patty  in  her  agitation  and  anxiety  had  taken 
hold  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  hand;  but,  although  the 
young  gentleman  would  at  any  other  time  have  very 
willingly  allowed  her  to  retain  possession  of  it,  on  the 
present  occasion  he  disengaged  it  from  her  clasp,  and 
said,  "Pray  don't  lose  time,  or  it  will  be  too  late  for 
both  of  us.  I  assure  you  that  I  can  easily  take  care 
of  myself.  Now  do  go,  pray;  quietly,  but  quickly." 
So  Miss  Patty,  with  an  earnest,  searching  gaze  into  her 
companion's  face,  did  as  he  bade  her,  and  retreated 
with  her  face  to  the  foe. 

In  a  few  seconds,  however,  the  object  of  her  move 
ment  had  dawned  upon  Mr.  Roarer's  dull  understanding, 
upon  which  discovery  he  set  up  a  bellow  of  fury,  and 
stamped  the  ground  in  very  undignified  wrath.  But, 
more  than  this,  like  a  skilful  general  who  has  satisfac 
torily  worked  out  the  forty-seventh  proposition  of  the 


364  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

First  Book  of  Euclid,  and  knows  therefrom  that  the 
square  of  the  hypothenuse  equals  both  that  of  the  base 
and  perpendicular,  he  unconsciously  commenced  the 
solution  of  the  problem,  by  making  a  galloping  charge 
in  the  direction  of  the  gate  to  which  Miss  Patty  was 
hastening.  Thereupon,  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  perceiving 
the  young  lady's  peril,  deliberately  ran  towards  Mr. 
Roarer,  shouting  and  brandishing  the  sketch-book. 
Mr.  Roarer  paused  in  wonder  and  perplexity.  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  shouted  and  advanced;  Miss  Patty 
steadily  retreated.  After  a  few  moments  of  indeci 
sion  Mr.  Roarer  abandoned  his  design  of  pursuing  the 
petticoats,  and  resolved  that  the  gentleman  should  be 
his  first  victim.  Accordingly  he  sounded  his  trumpet 
for  the  conflict,  gave  another  roar  and  a  stamp,  and 
then  ran  towards  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  having 
picked  up  a  large  stone,  threw  it  dexterously  into  Mr. 
Roarer's  face,  which  brought  that  broad-chested  gen 
tleman  to  a  stand-still  of  astonishment  and  a  search 
for  the  missile.  Of  this  Mr.  Verdant  Green  took 
advantage,  and  made  a  Parthian  retreat.  Glancing 
towards  Miss  Patty  he  saw  that  she  was  within  thirty 
yards  of  the  gate,  and  in  a  minute  or  two  would  be  in 
safety  —  saved  through  his  means  ! 

A  bellow  from  Mr.  Roarer's  powerful  lungs  pre 
vented  him  for  the  present  from  pursuing  this  delight 
ful  theme.  In  another  moment  the  bull  charged,  and 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  —  braced  up,  as  it  were,  to  energetic 
proceedings  by  the  screams  with  which  Miss  Patty  had 
now  begun  to  shrilly  echo  Mr.  Roarer's  deep-mouthed, 
bellowings  —  waited  for  his  approach,  and  then,  as  the 
bull  rushed  on  him  —  like  a  massive  rock  hurled  for 
ward  by  an  avalanche  —  he  leaped  aside,  nimble  as  a 
doubling  hare.  As  he  did  so,  he  threw  down  his 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  365 

wide-awake,  which  the  irate  Mr.  Roarer  forthwith  fell 
upon,  and  tossed,  and  tossed,  and  tore  into  shreds. 
By  this  time,  Verdant  had  reached  the  bank  of  the 
Swirl;  but  before  he  could  proceed  further,  the  bull 
was  upon  him  again.  Verdant  was  prepared-for  this, 
and  had  taken  off  his  coat.  As  the  bull  dashed  heavily 
towards  him,  with  head  bent  wickedly  to  the  ground, 
Verdant  again  doubled,  and,  with  the  dexterity  of  a 
matador,  threw  his  coat  upon  the  horns.  Blinded  by 
this,  Mr.  Roarer's  headlong  career  was  temporarily 
checked;  and  it  was  three  minutes  before  he  had  torn 
to  shreds  the  imaginary  body  of  his  enemy;  but  this 
three  minutes'  pause  was  of  very  great  importance, 
and  in  all  probability  prevented  the  memoirs  of  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  from  coming  to  an  untimely  end  at 
this  portion  of  the  narrative. 

Miss  Patty's  continued  screams  had  been  signals  of 
distress  that  had  not  only  brought  up  Charles  Larkyns, 
but  four  labourers  also,  who  were  working  in  a  field 
within  ear-shot.  This  corps  de  reserve  ran  up  to  the 
spot  with  all  speed,  shouting  as  they  did  so,  in  order 
to  distract  Mr.  Roarer's  attention.  By  this  time  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  had  waded  into-  the  water,  and  was 
making  the  best  of  his  way  across  the  Swirl,  in  order 
that  he  might  reach  the  precipitous  hill  to  the  right; 
up  this  he  could  scramble  and  bid  defiance  to  Mr. 
Roarer.  But  there  is  many  a  slip  'tween  cup  and  lip. 
Poor  Verdant  chanced  to  make  a  stepping-stone  of  a 
treacherous  boulder,  and  fell  headlong  into  the  water; 
and  ere  he  could  regain  his  feet,  the  bull  had  plunged 
with  a  bellow  into  the  stream,  and  was  within  a  yard 
of  his  prostrate  form,  when  — 

When    you    may    imagine    Mr.     Verdant     Green's 


366   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GRF.FN 

delight  and  Miss  Patty  Honeywood's  thankfulness  al 
seeing  one  of  the  labourers  run  into  the  stream,  and 
strike  the  bull  a  heavy  stroke  with  a  sharp  hoe,  the 
pain  of  which  wound  caused  Mr.  Roarer  to  suddenly 
wheel  round  and  engage  with  his  new  adversary,  who 
followed  up  his  advantage,  and  cut  into  his  enemy 
with  might  and  main.  Then  Charles  Larkyns  and  the 
other  three  labourers  came  up,  and  the  bull  was  pre 
vented  from  doing  an  injury  to  any  one  until  a  farm- 
servant  had  arrived  upon  the  scene  with  a  strong 
halter,  when  Mr.  Roarer,  somewhat  spent  with  wrath, 
and  suffering  from  considerable  depression  of  animal 
spirits,  was  conducted  to  the  obscure  retirement  and 
littered  ease  of  the  bull-house. 

This  little  adventure  has  been  recorded  here,  inas 
much  as  from  it  was  forged,  by  the  hand  of  Cupid,  a 
golden  link  in  our  hero's  chain  of  fate;  for  to  this 
occurrence  Miss  Patty  attached  no  slight  importance. 
She  exalted  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  conduct  on  this  occa 
sion  into  an  act  of  heroism  worthy  to  be  ranked  with  far 
more  notable  deeds  of  valour.  She  looked  upon  him 
as  a  Bayard  who  had  chivalrously  risked  his  life  in  the 
cause  of  —  love,  was  it?  or  only  of  —  a  lady.  Her 
gratitude,  she  considered,  ought  to  be  very  great  to 
one  who  had,  at  so  great  a  venture,  preserved  her  from 
so  horrible  a  death.  For  that  she  would  have  been 
dreadfully  gored,  and  would  have  lost  her  life,  if  she 
had  not  been  rescued  by  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  Miss 
Patty  had  most  fully  and  unalterably  decided  —  which, 
certainly,  might  have  been  the  case. 

At  any  rate,  our  hero  had  no  reason  to  regret  that 
portion  of  his  life's  drama  in  which  Mr.  Roarer  had 
made  his  appearance. 


1HK  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   367 


CHAPTER  III. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  STUDIES  YE  MANNERS  AND  CUS- 
'  TOMS  OF  YE  NATYVES. 

iss  PATTY  HONEYWOOD 
was  not  only  distin 
guished    for    unlim 
ited  powers    of  con 
versation,     but    was 
also    equally  famous 
for     her    equestrian 
abilities.      She    and 
her   sister   were  the 
first  horsewomen   in 
that     part     of     the 
county  ;    and,     if 
their  father  had  per 
mitted,    they    would   have  been  delighted  to  ride    to 
hounds,  and  to  cross  country  with  the  foremost  flight, 
for  they  had  pluck  enough  for  any  thing.     They  had 
such  light  hands  and  good  seats,  and  in  every  respect 
rode  so  well,  that,  as  a  matter  of  conrse,   they  looked 
well  —  never  better,  perhaps,   than  —  when  on  horse 
back.     Their   bright,    happy  faces  —  which    were  far 
more  beautiful  in  their  piquant  irregularities  of  feature, 
and  gave  one  far  more  pleasure  in  the  contemplation 
than  if  they  had  been  moulded  in  the  coldly  chiselled 
24 


368  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

forms  of  classic  beauty  —  appeared  with  no  diminution 
of  charms,  when  set  off  by  their  pretty  felt  riding-hats; 
and  their  full,  firm,  and  well-rounded  figures  were  seen 
to  the  greatest  advantage  when  clad  in  the  graceful 
dress  that  passes  by  the  name  of  a  riding-habit. 

Every  morning,  after  breakfast,  the  two  young 
ladies  were  accustomed  to  visit  the  stables,  where  they 
had  interviews  with  their  respective  steeds  —  steeds 
and  mistresses  appearing  to  be  equally  gratified  thereby. 


It  is  perhaps  needless  to  state  that  during  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  sojourn  at  Honeywood  Hall,  Miss  Patty's 
stable  calls  were  generally  made  in  his  company. 

Such  rides  as  they  took  in  those  happy  days  — wild, 
pic-nic  sort  of  rides,  over  country  equally  as  wild  and 
removed  from  formality  —  rides  by  duets  and  rides  in 
duodecimos ;  sometimes  a  solitary  couple  or  two ;  some 
times  a  round  dozen  of  them,  scampering  and  racing 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  369 

over  hill  and  heather,  with  startled  grouse  and  black 
cock  skirring  up  from  under  the  very  hoofs  of  the  equally 
startled  horses ;  — rides  by  tumbling  streams,  like  the 
Swirl  —  splashing  through  them,  with  pulled-up  or 
draggled  habits  —  then  cantering  on  "over  bank,  bush, 
and  scaur,"  like  so  many  fair  Ellens  and  young  Lochin- 
vars  — clambering  up  very  precipices,  and  creeping 


down  break-neck  hills  —  laughing  and  talking,  and 
singing,  and  whistling,  and  even  (so  far  as  Mr.  Bouncer 
was  concerned)  blowing  cows'  horns !  What  vagabond, 
rollicking  rides  were  those!  What  a  healthy  contrast 
to  the  necessarily  formal,  groom-attended  canter  on 
Society's  Rotten  Row! 

A  legion  of  dogs  accompanied  them  on  these  occa 
sions;  a  miscellaneous  pack  composed  of  Masters  Huz 


3/0  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

and  Buz  (in  great  spirits  at  finding  themselves  in  such 
capital  quarters),  a  black  Newfoundland  (answering  to 
the  name  of  "  Nigger"),  a  couple  of  Setters  (with  titles 
from  the  heathen  mythology  —  "Juno"  and  "Flora"), 
a  ridiculous-looking,  bandy-legged  otter-hound  (called 
"Gripper"),  a  wiry,  rat-catching  terrier  ("Nipper"), 
and  two  silky-haired,  long-backed,  short-legged,  sharp- 
nosed,  bright-eyed,  pepper-and-salt  Skye-terriers,  who 
respectively  answered  to  the  names  of  "  Whisky  "  and 
"Toddy,"  and  were  the  property  of  the  Misses 
Honeywood.  The  lordly  shepherds'  dogs,  whom  they 
encountered  on  their  journeys,  would  have  nothing  to 
do  with  such  a  medley  of  unruly  scamps,  but  turned 
from  their  overtures  of  friendship  with  patrician  dis 
dain.  They  routed  up  rabbits;  they  turned  out  hedge 
hogs  ;  and,  at  their  approach,  they  made  the  game  fly 
with  a  WHIR-R-R-R-R.R-R  arranged  as  a  diminuendo. 

These  free-and-easy  equestrian  expeditions  were  not 
only  agreeable  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  feelings,  but 
they  were  also  useful  to  him  as  so  many  lessons  of 
horsemanship,  and  so  greatly  advanced  him  in  the 
practice  of  that  noble  science,  that  the  admiring  Squire 
one  day  said  to  him — -"I'll  tell  you  what,  Verdant! 
before  we  've  done  with  you,  we  shall  make  you  ride 
like  a  Shafto !  "  At  which  high  eulogium  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  blushed,  and  made  an  inward  resolution  that,  as 
soon  as  he  had  returned  home,  he  would  subscribe  to 
the  Warwickshire  hounds,  and  make  his  appearance  in 
the  field. 

On  Sundays  the  Honeywood  party  usually  rode  and 
drove  to  the  church  of  a  small  market-town,  some 
seven  or  eight  miles  distant.  If  it  was  a  wet  day, 
they  walked  to  the  ruined  church  of  Lasthope  —  the 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  37! 

place   Miss   Patty  was    sketching  when  disturbed  by 
Mr.    Roarer.      Lasthope   was    in    lay    hands;    and    its 
lay  rector,  who  lived  far  away,  had  so  little  care  for 
the   edifice,   or  the   proper  conduct  of  divine  service, 
that  he  allowed  the  one  to  continue  in  its  ruins,  and 
suffered  the  other  to  be  got  through  anyhow  or  not  at 
all_  just  as  it  happened.      Clergymen  were  engaged 
t©  perform  the  service  (there  was  but  one  each  day) 
at  the  lowest  price  of  the  clerical  market.     Occasion 
ally  it  was  announced,  in  the  vernacular  of  the  district, 
that  there  would  be  no  church,   "because  the  priest 
had  gone  for  the  sea-bathing,"  or  because  the  waters 
were  out,  and  the  priest  could  not  get  across.     As  a 
matter  of  course,  in  consequence  of  the  uncertainty  of 
finding  any  one  to  perform  the  service  when  they  had 
got  to  church,  and  of  the  slovenly  way  in  which  the 
service  was  scrambled   through  when  they  had  got  a 
clergyman  there,  the  congregation  generally  preferred 
attending  the  large  Presbyterian  meeting-house,  which 
was  about  two  miles  from   Lasthope.      Here,   at  any 
rate,  they  met  with  the  reverse  of  coldness  in  the  con 
duct  of  the  service. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  his  male  friends  strayed  there 
one  Sunday  for  curiosity's  sake,  and  found  a  minis 
ter  of  indefatigable  eloquence  and  enviable  power  of 
lungs,  who  had  arrived  at  such  a  pitch  of  heat,  from 
the  combined  effects  of  the  weather  and  his  own  exer 
tions,  that  in  the  very  middle  of  his  discourse  — and 
literally  in  the  heat  of  it  —  he  paused  to  divest  himself 
of  his  gown,  heavily  braided  with  serge  and  velvet, 
and,  hanging  it  over  the  side  of  the  pulpit  ("the 
pilput,"  his  congregation  called  it),  mopped  his  head 
with  his  handkerchief,  and  then  pursued  his  theme 


3/2   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

like  a  giant  refreshed.  At  this  stage  in  the  proceed- 
ings,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  became  in  a  high  state  of 
pleasurable  excitement,  from  the  expectation  that  the 
minister  would  next  divest  himself  of  his  coat,  and 
would  struggle  through  the  rest  of  his  argument  in  his 
shirt-sleeves;  but  Mr.  Bouncer's  improper  wishes 
were  not  gratified. 

The   sermon  was   so   extremely   metaphorical,    was 
founded  on  such  abstruse  passages,  and  was  delivered 
in  so  broad  a  dialect,  that  it  was  caviare  to  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  and  his  friends;  but  it  seemed  to  be  far 
otherwise  with  the  attentive  and  crowded  congregation, 
who  relieved  their  minister  at  intervals  by  loud  bursts 
of  singing,  that  were  impressive  from   their  fervency 
though  not  particularly  harmonious    to   a  delicately- 
musical  ear.      Near  to  the  close  of  the  service  there 
was  a  collection,  which  induced  Mr.  Bouncer  to  whis 
per  to  Verdant  — as  an  axiom  deduced  from  his  long 
experience  —  that  "you  never  come  to  a  strange  place, 
but  what  you  are  sure  to  drop  in  for  a  collection ;  "  but' 
on  finding  that  it  was  a  weekly  offering,  and  that  no 
one  was  expected    to  give  more  than  a   copper,    the 
little  gentleman  relented,    and   cheerfully  dropped  a 
piece  of  silver  into  the  wooden  box.      It  was  astonish 
ing  to   see  the  throngs  of  people,   that,   in  so  thinly 
inhabited  a  district,  could  be  assembled  at  this  meet 
ing-house.      Though   it    seemed    almost   incredible  to 
our   midland-county  friends,   yet    not    a  few  of  these 
poor,  simple,  earnest-minded  people  would  walk  from 
a  distance  of  fifteen  miles,  starting  at  an  early  hour, 
coming  by  easy  stages,  and  bringing  with  them  their 
dinner,  so  as  to  enable  them  to  stay  for  the  afternoon 
service.     On  the  Sunday  mornings  the  red  cloaks  and 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  373 

grey  plaids  of  these  pious  men  and  women  might  be 
seen  dotting  the  green  hillsides,  and  slowly  moving 
towards  the  gaunt  and  grim  red  brick  meeting-house. 
And  around  it,  on  great  occasions,  were  tents 
pitched  for  the  between-service  accommodation  of 
the  worshippers. 

Both  they  and  it  contrasted,  in  every  way,  with  the 
ruined  church  of  Lasthope,  whose  worship  seemed 
also  to  have  gone  to  ruin  with  the  uncared-for  edifice. 
Its  aisles  had  tumbled  down,  and  their  material  had 
been  rudely  built  up  within  the  arches  of  the  nave. 
The  church  was  thus  converted  into  the  non-ecclesias 
tical  form  of  a  parallelogram,  and  was  fitted  up  with 
the  very  rudest  and  ugliest  of  deal  enclosures,  which 
were  dignified  with  the  name  of  pews,  but  ought  to 
have  been  termed  pens. 

During  the  time  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  visit,  the 
service  at  this  ecclesiastical  ruin  was  performed  by  a 
clergyman  who  had  apparently  been  selected  for  the 
duty  from  his  harmonious  resemblance  to  the  place; 
for  he  also  was  an  ecclesiastical  ruin  —  a  schoolmaster 
in  holy  orders,  who,  having  to  slave  hard  all  through 
the  working-days  of  the  week,  had  to  work  still  harder 
on  the  day  of  rest.  For,  first,  the  Ruin  had  to  ride 
his  stumbling  old  pony  a  distance  of  twelve  miles  (and 
twelve  sucJi  miles!)  to  Lasthope,  where  he  stabled  it 
(bringing  the  feed  of  corn  in  his  pocket,  and  leading 
it  to  drink  at  the  Swirl)  in  the  dilapidated  stable  of 
the  tumbled-down  rectory-house.  Then  he  had  to  get 
through  the  morning  service  without  any  loss  of  time, 
to  enable  him  to  ride  eight  miles  in  another  direction 
(eating  his  sandwich  dinner  as  he  went  along),  where 
he  had  to  take  the  afternoon  duty  and  occasional  ser- 


374   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

vices  at  a  second  church.  When  this  was  done,  he 
might  find  his  way  home  as  well  as  he  could,  and 
enjoy  with  his  family  as  much  of  the  day  of  rest  as  he 
had  leisure  and  strength  for.  The  stipend  that  the 
Ruin  received  for  his  labours  was  greatly  below  the 
wages  given  to  a  butler  by  the  lay  rector,  who  pocketed 
a  very  nice  income  by  this  respectable  transaction. 
But  the  Butler  was  a  stately  edifice  in  perfect  repair, 
both  outside  and  in,  so  far  as  clothes  and  food  went ; 
and  the  Parson  was  an  ill-conditioned  Ruin  left  to 
moulder  away  in  an  obscure  situation,  without  even 
the  ivy  of  luxuriance  to  make  him  graceful  and 
picturesque. 

Mr.  Honeywood's  family  were  the  only  "respect 
able"  persons  who  occasionally  attended  the  Ruin's 
ministrations  in  Lasthope  church.  The  other  people 
who  made  up  the  scanty  congregation  were  old  Andrew 
Graham  and  his  children,  and  a  few  of  the  poorer  sort 
of  Honeybourn.  They  all  brought  their  dogs  with 
them  as  a  matter  of  course.  On  entering  the  church 
the  men  hung  up  their  bonnets  on  a  row  of  pegs  pro 
vided  for  that  purpose,  and  fixed,  as  an  ecclesiastical 
ornament,  along  the  western  wall  of  the  church.  They 
then  took  their  places  in  their  pens,  accompanied  by 
their  dogs,  who  usually  behaved  with  remarkable  pro 
priety,  and,  during  the  sermon,  set  their  masters  an 
example  of  watchfulness.  On  one  occasion  the  pro 
ceedings  were  interrupted  by  a  rat  hunt ;  the  dogs  gave 
tongue,  and  leaped  the  pews  in  the  excitement  of  the 
chase  —  their  masters  followed  them  and  laid  about 
them  with  their  sticks  —  and  when  with  difficulty 
order  had  been  restored,  the  service  was  proceeded 
with.  It  must  be  confessed  that  Mr.  Bouncer  was  so 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  375 

badly  disposed  as  to  wish  for  a  repetition  of  this  scene; 
but  (happily)  he  was  disappointed. 

The  choir  of  Lasthope  Church  was  centred  in  the 
person  of  the  clerk,  who  apparently  sang  tunes  of  his 
own  composing,  in  which  the  congregation  joined  at 
their  discretion,  though  usually  to  different  airs.  The 
result  was  a  discordant  struggle,  through  which  the 
clerk  bravely  maintained  his  own  until  he  had  ex 
hausted  himself,  when  he  shut  up  his  book  and  sat 
down,  and  the  congregation  had  to  shut  up  also.  Dur 
ing  the  singing  the  intelligence  of  the  dogs  was  dis 
played  in  their  giving  a  stifled  utterance  to  howls  of 
anguish,  which  were  repeated  ad  libitum  throughout 
:he  hymn;  but  as  this  was  a  customary  proceeding  it 
attracted  no  attention,  unless  a  dog  expressed  his 
sufferings  more  loudly  than  was  wont,  when  he  received 
a  clout  from  his  master's  staff  that  silenced  him,  and 
sent  him  under  the  pew-seat,  as  to  a  species  of 
ecclesiastical  St.  Helena. 

Such  was  Lasthope  Church,  its  Ruin,  and  its  ser 
vice;  and,  as  may  be  imagined  from  these  notes  which 
the  veracious  historian  has  thought  fit  to  chronicle, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  that  his  Sundays  in  North 
umberland  produced  as  much  novelty  as  the  week-days. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  ENDEAVOURS  TO  SAY  SNIP  TO 
SOME  ONE'S  SNAP. 

THERE  was  a  gate  in  the  kitchen-garden  of  Honey- 
wood  Hall,  that  led  into  an  orchard;  and  in  this 
orchard  there  was  a  certain  apple-tree  that  had  assumed 
one  of  those  peculiarities  of  form  to  which  the  chil 
dren  of  Pomona  are  addicted.  After  growing  upright 
for  about  a  foot  and  a  half,  it  had  suddenly  shot  out  at 
right  angles,  with  a  gentle  upward  slope  for  a  length  of 
between  three  and  four  feet,  and  had  then  again  struck 
up  into  the  perpendicular.  It  thus  formed  a  natural 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   377 

orchard  seat,  capable  of  holding  two  persons  comfort 
ably—provided  that  they  regarded  a  close  proximity 
as  comfortable  sitting. 

One  day  Miss  Patty  directed  Verdant's  attention  to 
this  vagary  of  nature.  "This  is  one  of  my  favourite 
haunts,"  she  said.  "I  often  steal  here  on  a  hot  day 
with  some  work  or  a  book.  You  see  this  upper  branch 
makes  quite  a  little  table,  and  I  can  rest  my  book 
upon  it.  It  is  so  pleasant  to  be  under  the  shade  here, 
with  the  fruit  or  blossoms  over  one's  head;  and  it  is 
so  snug  and  retired,  and  out  of  the  way  of  every  one." 

"  It  is  very  snug  —  and  very  retired,"  said  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green;  and  he  thought  that  now  would  be  the 
very  time  to  put  in  execution  a  project  that  had  for 
some  days  past  been  haunting  his  brain. 

"When  Kitty  and  I,"  said  Miss  Patty,  "have  any 
secrets  we  come  here  and  tell  them  to  each  other  while 
we  sit  at  our  work.  No  one  can  hear  what  we  say; 
and  we  are  quite  snug  all  to  ourselves." 

Very  odd,  thought  Verdant,  that  they-  should  fix  on 
this  particular  spot  for  confidential  communications, 
and  take  the  trouble  to  come  here  to  make  them,  when 
they  could  do  so  in  their  own  rooms  at  the  house. 
And  yet  it  isn't  such  a  bad  spot  either. 
"  Try  how  comfortable  a  seat  it  is!  "  said  Miss  Patty. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  began  to  feel  hot.  He  sat  down, 
however,  and  tested  the  comforts  of  the  seat,  much  in 
the  same  way  as  he  would  try  the  spring  of  a  lounging 
chair,  and  apparently  with  a  like  result,  for  he  said, 
"  Yes,  it  is  very  comfortable  —  very  comfortable 
indeed." 

"I  thought  you'd  like  it,"  said  Miss  Patty;  "and 
you  see  how  nicely  the  branches  droop  all  round :  they 


3/8   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

make  it  quite  an  arbour.  If  Kitty  had  been  here  with 
me  I  think  you  would  have  had  some  trouble  to  have 
found  us." 

"I  think  I  should;  it  is  quite  a  place  to  hide  in," 
said  Verdant.  But  the  young  lady  and  gentleman 
must  have  been  speaking  with  the  spirit  of  ostriches, 
and  have  imagined  that,  when  they  had  hidden  their 
heads,  they  had  altogether  concealed  themselves  from 
observation;  for  the  branches  of  the  apple-tree  only 
drooped  low  enough  to  conceal  the  upper  part  of  their 
figures,  and  left  the  rest  exposed  to  view.  "Won't 
you  sit  down,  also?  "  asked  Verdant,  with  a  gasp  and  a 
sensation  in  his  head  as  though  he  had  been  drinking 
champagne  too  freely. 

"  I'm  afraid  there  's  scarcely  room  for  me,"  pleaded 
Miss  Patty. 

"Oh  yes,  there  is,  indeed!  pray  sit  down." 

So  she  sat  down  on  the  lower  part  of  the  trunk. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  glanced  rapidly  round  and  per 
ceived  that  they  were  quite  alone,  and  partly  shrouded 
from  view.  The  following  highly  interesting  conver 
sation  then  took  place. 

He.  "Won't  you  change  places  with  me?  you'll 
slip  off." 

She.   "  No  —  I  think  I  can  manage." 

He.    "But  you  can  come  closer." 

She.   "Thanks."     (She  comes  closer.} 

He.   "  Is  n't  that  more  comfortable?  " 

She.   "  Yes  —  very  much. " 

He.  (  Very  hot,  and  not  knowing  what  to  say. )  —  "I  — 
I  think  you  '11  slip!  " 

She.    "Oh  no!  it 's  very  comfortable  indeed." 

(That  is  to  say  — thinks  Mr.  Verdant  Green— that 
sitting  BY  ME  is  very  comfortable.  Hurrah !) 


THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR.  VERDANT   GREEN       3/9 

She.    "  It 's  very  hot,  don't  you  think?  " 

He.     "How   very   odd!      I    was    just    thinking    the 

same." 

She.   "I   think   I   shall  take   my  hat  off- 
warm.      Dear  me!  how  stupid!  — the  strings  are  in  a 

knot." 

He.   "  Let  me  see  if  I  can  untie  them  for  you. 

She.     "Thanks!     no!    I    can    manage."      (But   she 

cannot. ) 

He.   "  You  'd  better  let  me  try !  now  do  ! ' 

She.   "Oh,   thanks!  but  I'm  sorry  you  should  have 

the  trouble." 

He.   "  No  trouble  at  all.      Quite  a  pleasure." 
(In  a  very  hot  condition  of  mind  and  fingers,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  then  endeavoured  to  release  the  strings 
from  their  entanglement.      But  all  in  vain :  he  tugged, 
and  pulled,  and  only  made  matters  worse.      Once  or 
twice  in  the  struggle  his  hands  touched  Miss  Patty's 
chin;  and  no  highly-charged  electrical  machine  could 
have  imparted  a  shock  greater  than  that  tingling  sensa 
tion  of  pleasure  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  experienced 
when  his  fingers,  for  the  fraction  of  a  second,  touched 
Miss  Patty's  soft  dimpled  chin.     Then  there  was  her 
beautiful  neck,  so  white,  and  with  such  blue  veins!  he 
had   an    irresistible   desire    to   stroke   it  for   its  very 
smoothness  — as  one  loves  to  feel  the  polish  of  mar 
ble,  or  the  glaze  of  wedding-cards  —  instead  of  employ 
ing  his  hands  in  fumbling  at  the  brown  ribands,  whose 
knots    became    more    complicated    than    ever.     Then 
there  was  her  happy  rosy  face,  so  close  to  which  his 
own   was  brought  ;    and   her  bright,    laughing,    hazel 
eyes,  in  which,  as  he  timidly  looked  up,  he  saw  little 
daguerreotypes    of    himself.     Would    that    he    could 


380   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

retain  such  a  photographer  by  his  side  through  life! 
Miss  Bouncer's  camera  was  as  nothing  compared  with 
the  camera  hicida  of  those  clear  eyes,  that  shone  upon 
him  so  truthfully,  and  mirrored  for  him  such  pretty 
pictures.  And  what  with  these  eyes,  and  the  face, 
and  the  chin,  and  the  neck,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was 
brought  into  such  an  irretrievable  state  of  mental 
excitement  that  he  was  perfectly  unable  to  render 
Miss  Patty  the  service  he  had  proffered.  But,  more 
than  that,  he  as  yet  lacked  sufficient  courage  to  carry 
out  his  darling  project. 

At  length  Miss  Patty  herself  untied  the  rebellious 
knot,  and  took  off  her  hat.  The  highly  interesting 
conversation  was  then  resumed.) 

She.  "  What  a  frightful  state  my  hair  is  in  !  "  (Loops 
lip  an  escaped  lock.}  "  You  must  think  me  so  untidy. 
But  out  in  the  country,  and  in  a  place  like  this  where 
no  one  sees  us,  it  makes  one  careless  of  appearance." 

He.  "I  like  'a  sweet  neglect,'  especially  in  —  in 
some  people;  it  suits  them  so  well.  I  —  'pon  my 
word,  it  's  very  hot !  " 

She.  "  But  how  much  hotter  it  must  be  from  under  the 
shade.  It  is  so  pleasant  here.  It  seems  so  dreamlike 
to  sit  among  the  shadows  and  look  out  upon  the  bright 
landscape." 

He.  "It  is  —  very  jolly  —  soothing,  at  least!"  (A 
pause.}  "I  think  you  '11  slip.  Do  you  know,  I  think 
it  will  be  safer  if  you  will  let  me"  (here  his  courage 
fails  him.  He  endeavours  to  say  put  my  arm  round 
your  waist,  but  his  tongue  refuses  to  speak  the  words  ;  so 
he  substitutes}  "change  places  with  you." 

She.  (Rises,  with  a  look  of  amused  vexation.}  "Cer 
tainly!  if  you  so  particularly  wish  it."  (They  change 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   381 

places. )  "  Now,  you  see,  you  have  lost  by  the  change. 
You  are  too  tall  for  that  end  of  the  seat,  and  it  did 
very  nicely  for  a  little  body  like  me." 

He.  ( With  a  thrill  of  delight  and  a  sudden  burst  of 
strategy.}  "I  can  hold  on  to  this  branch,  if  my  arm 
will  not  inconvenience  you." 

She.  "  Oh  no!  not  particularly  :  "  (he passes  his  right 
arm  behind  her,  and  takes  hold  of  a  bough} :  "  but  I 
should  think  it 's  not  very  comfortable  for  you." 

He.  "I  couldn't  be  more  comfortable,  I'm  sure." 
(Nearly  slips  off  the  tree,  and  doubles  up  his  legs  into  an 
unpicturesque  attitude  highly  suggestive  of  misery.  —  A 
pause.}  "And  do  you  tell  your  secrets  here?" 

She.  "  My  secrets  ?  Oh,  I  see  —  you  mean,  with 
Kitty.  Oh,  yes!  if  this  tree  could  talk,  it  would  be 
able  to  tell  such  dreadful  stories." 

He.  "  I  wonder  if  it  could  tell  any  dreadful  stories 
of  —me?  " 

She.  "  Of  you !  Oh,  no !  Why  should  it  ?  We  are 
only  severe  on  those  we  dislike." 

He.   "Then  you  don't  dislike  me?  " 

She.   "  No !  —  why  should  we  ?  " 

He.  "Well  — I  don't  know  —  but  I  thought  you 
might.  Well,  I'm  glad  of  that — I'm  very  glad  of 
that.  Ton  my  word,  it's  very  hot!  don't  you  think 
so?" 

She.  "Yes!  I  'm  burning.  But  I  don't  think  we 
should  find  a  cooler  place."  (Does  not  evince  any 
symptoms  of  moving.} 

He.  "Well,  p'raps  we  should  n't."  (A  pause.}  "Do 
you  know  that  I  'm  very  glad  you  don't  dislike  me; 
because,  it  would  n't  have  been  pleasant  to  be  disliked 
by  you,  would  it  ?  " 


382   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

She.  "Well  —  of  course,  I  can't  tell.  It  depends 
upon  one's  own  feelings." 

He.   "Then  you  don't  dislike  me?  " 

She.    "  Oh  dear,  no  !  why  should  I  ?  " 

He.  "And  if  you  don't  dislike  me,  you  must  like 
me?  " 

She.    "  Yes  —  at  least  —  yes,  I  suppose  so. " 

At  this  stage  of  the  proceedings,  the  arm  that  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  had  passed  behind  Miss  Patty  thrilled 
with  such  a  peculiar  sensation  that  his  hand  slipped 
down  the  bough,  and  the  arm  consequently  came 
against  Miss  Patty's  waist,  where  it  rested.  The 
necessity  for  saying  something,  the  wish  to  make  that 
something  the  something  that  was  bursting  his  heart 
and  brain,  and  the  dread  of  letting  it  escape  his  lips 
—  these  three  varied  and  mingled  sensations  so  dis 
tracted  poor  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  mind,  that  he  was 
no  more  conscious  of  what  he  was  giving  utterance  to 
than  if  he  had  been  talking  in  a  dream.  But  there 
was  Miss  Patty  by  his  side  —  a  very  tangible  and 
delightful  reality  —  playing  (somewhat  nervously)  with 
those  rebellious  strings  of  her  hat,  which  loosely  hung 
in  her  hand,  while  the  dappled  shadows  flickered  on 
the  waving  masses  of  her  rich  brown  hair,  • —  so  some 
thing  must  be  said  ;  and,  if  it  should  lead  to  the 
something,  why,  so  much  the  better. 

Returning,  therefore,  to  the  subject  of  like  and  dis 
like,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  managed  to  say,  in  a  choking, 
faltering  tone,  "  I  wonder  how  much  you  like  me  — 
very  much  ? " 

She.  "Oh,  I  couldn't  tell  —  how  should  I?  What 
strange  questions  you  ask!  You  saved  my  life;  so, 
of  course,  I  am  very,  very  grateful ;  and  I  hope  I  shall 
always  be  your  friend." 


THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR.   VERDANT  GREEN.     383 

He.  "Yes,  I  hope  so  indeed  —  always  —  and  some- 
thing  more.  Do  you  hope  the  same?  " 

She.  "What  do  you  mean?  Hadn't  we  better  go 
back  to  the  house?" 

He.  "Not  just  yet  — it's  so  cool  here  — at  least, 
not  cool  exactly,  but  hot  —  pleasanter,  that  is  —  much 
pleasanter  here.  You  said  so,  you  know,  a  little 
while  since.  Don't  mind  me;  I  always  feel  hot  when 
—  when  I  'm  out  of  doors." 

She.   "Then  we  'd  better  go  indoors." 

He.   "  Pray  don't  —  not  yet  —  do  stop  a  little  longer. " 

And  the  hand  that  had  been  on  the  bough  of  the 
tree,  timidly  seized  Miss  Patty's  arm,  and  then  natur 
ally,  but  very  gently,  fell  upon  her  waist.  A  thrill 
shot  through  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  like  an  electric 
flash,  and,  after  traversing  from  his  head  to  his  heels, 
probably  passed  out  safely  at  his  boots  —  for  it  did 
him  no  harm,  but,  on  the  contrary,  made  him  feel  all 
the  better. 

"But,"  said  the  young  lady,  as  she  felt  the  hand 
upon  her  waist  —  not  that  she  was  really  displeased  at 
the  proceeding,  but  perhaps  she  thought  it  best,  under 
the  circumstances,  to  say  something  that  should  have 
the  resemblance  of  a  veto  —  "but  it  is  not  necessary 
to  hold  me  a  prisoner." 

"  It  'syou  that  hold  me  a  prisoner !  "  said  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  with  a  sudden  burst  of  enthusiasm  and  blushes, 
and  a  great  stress  upon  the  pronouns. 

"  Now  you  are  talking  nonsense,  and,  if  so,  I  must 
go!"  said  Miss  Patty.  And  she  also  blushed;  per 
haps  it  was  from  the  heat.  But  she  removed  Mr. 
Verdant  Green's  hand  from  her  waist,  and  he  was 
much  too  frightened  to  replace  it. 
25 


384   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"  Oh !  do  stay  a  little !  "  gasped  the  young  gentle 
man,  with  an  awkward  sensation  of  want  of  employment 
for  his  hands.  "  You  said  that  secrets  were  told  here. 
I  don't  want  to  talk  nonsense;  I  don't  indeed;  but 
the  truth.  /  've  a  secret  to  tell  you.  Should  you  like 
to  hear  it  ?  " 

"Oh  yes!"  laughed  Miss  Patty.  "I  like  to  hear 
secrets. " 

Now,  how  very  absurd  it  was  in  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
wasting  time  in  beating  about  the  bush  in  this  ridicu 
lously  timid  way!  Why  could  he  not  at  once  boldly 
secure  his  bird  by  a  straightforward  shot  ?  She  did  not 
fly  out  of  his  range  —  did  she?  And  yet,  here  he  was 
making  himself  unnecessarily  hot  and  uncomfortable, 
when  he  might,  by  taking  it  coolly,  have  been  at  his 
ease  in  a  moment.  What  a  foolish  young  man!  Nay, 
he  still  further  lost  time  and  evaded  his  purpose,  by 
saying  once  again  to  Miss  Patty  —  instead  of  immedi 
ately  replying  to  her  observation  —  "  Ton  my  word, 
it  's  uncommonly  hot !  don't  you  think  so  ?  " 

Upon  which  Miss  Patty  replied,  with  some  little 
chagrin,  "  And  was  that  your  secret  ? "  If  she  had 
lived  in  the  Elizabethan  era,  she  could  have  adjured 
him  with  a  "Marry,  come  up!"  which  would  have 
brought  him  to  the  point  without  any  further  trouble; 
but  living  in  a  Victorian  age,  she  could  do  no  more 
than  say  what  she  did,  and  leave  the  rest  of  her  mean 
ing  to  the  language  of  the  eyes. 

"  Don't  laugh  at  me!"  urged  the  bashful  and  weak- 
minded  young  man;  "don't  laugh  at  me!  If  you  only 
knew  what  I  feel  when  you  laugh  at  me,  you  'd  —  " 

"Cry,  I  dare  say!"  said  Miss  Patty,  cutting  him 
short  with  a  merry  smile,  and  (it  must  be  confessed)  a 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  385 

most  wickedly-roguish  expression  about  those  bright 
flashing  hazel  eyes  of  hers.  "Now,  you  haven't  told 
me  this  wonderful  secret ! " 

"Why,"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  slowly  and  delib 
erately  —  feeling  that  his  time  was  coming  on,  and 
cowardly  anxious  still  to  fight  off  the  fatal  words  — 
"you  said  that  you  didn't  dislike  me;  and,  in  fact, 
that  you  liked  me  very  much;  and"  — 

But  here  Miss  Patty  cut  him  short  again.  She 
turned  sharply  round  upon  him,  with  those  bright  eyes 
and  that  merry  face,  and  said,  "  Oh !  how  can  you  say 
so?  I  never  said  any  thing  of  the  sort!" 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  was  now 
desperate,  and  mentally  prepared  to  take  the  dreaded 
plunge  into  that  throbbing  sea  that  beats  upon  the 
strand  of  matrimony,  "  whether  j^w  like  me  very  much 
or  not,  /  like  you  very  much!  —  very  much  indeed! 
Ever  since  I  saw  you,  since  last  Christmas,  I've  — 
I've  liked  you  —  very  much  indeed." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green,  in  a  very  hot  and  excited  state, 
had,  while  he  was  speaking,  timidly  brought  his  hand 
once  more  to  Miss  Patty's  waist;  and  she  did  not 
interfere  with  its  position.  In  fact,  she  was  bending 
down  her  head,  and  was  gazing  intently  on  another 
knot  that  she  had  wilfully  made  in  her  hat-strings; 
and  she  was  working  so  violently  at  that  occupation 
of  untying  the  knot,  that  very  probably  she  might  not 
have  been  aware  of  the  situation  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  hand.  At  any  rate,  her  own  hands  were  too 
much  busied  to  suffer  her  to  interfere  with  his. 

At  last  the  climax  had  arrived.  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
had  screwed  his  courage  to  the  sticking  point,  and  had 
resolved  to  tell  the  secret  of  his  love.  He  had  got  to 


386   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

the  very  edge  of  the  precipice,  and  was  on  the  point  of 
jumping  over  head  and  ears  into  the  stream  of  his 
destiny,  and  of  bursting  into  any  excited  form  of  words 
that  should  make  known  his  affection  and  his  designs, 
when when  a  vile  perfume  of  tobacco,  a  sudden 


barking  rush  of  Huz  and  Buz,  and  the  horrid  voice  of" 
little  Mr.  Bouncer,  dispelled  the  bright  vision,  dis 
persed  his  ideas,  and  prevented  the  fulfilment  of  his 
purpose. 

"Holloa,  Gig-lamps!"  roared  the  little  gentleman, 
as  he  removed  a  short  pipe  from  his  mouth,  and 
expelled  an  ascending  curl  of  smoke;  "I've  been 
looking  for  you  everywhere  !  Here  we  are, —  as  Ham- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   387 

let's  uncle  said,  — all  in  the  horchard!  I  hope  he  's 
not  been  pouring  poison  in  your  ear,  Miss  Honeywood; 
he  looks  rather  guilty.  The  Mum  — I  mean  your 
mother — sent  me  to  find  you.  The  luncheon  's  been 
on  the  table  more  than  an  hour!" 

Luckily  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Miss  Patty 
Honeywood,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  rattled  on  without 
waiting  for  any  reply  to  his  observations,  and  thus 
enabled  the  young  lady  to  somewhat  recover  her  pres 
ence  of  mind,  and  to  effect  a  hasty  retreat  from  under 
the  apple  tree,  and  through  the  garden  gate. 

"I  say,  old  feller,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  criti 
cised  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  countenance  over  the  bowl 
of  his  pipe,  "you  look  rather  in  a  stew!  What 's  up? 

My  gum!"  cried  the  little  gentleman,  as  an  idea  of 
the  truth  suddenly  flashed  upon  him;  "you  don't  mean 

to  say  you  've  been  doing  the  spooney  —  what  you  call 

making  love  —  have  you?" 

"  Oh !  "  groaned  the  person  addressed,  as  he  followed 

out  the  train  of  his  own  ideas ;   "  if  you  had  but  have 

come    five   minutes   later  —  or  not    at  all !     It 's    most 

provoking !  " 

"  Well !  you  're  a  grateful  bird,  I  don't  think  !  "  said 

Mr.  Bouncer.     "  Cut  after  her  into  luncheon,  and  have 

it  out  over  the  cold  mutton  and  pickles  !  " 

"  Oh  no  !  "  responded  the  luckless  lover ;   "  I  can't  eat 

—  especially  before  the  others!     I  mean  —  I  couldn't 

talk  to  her  before  the  others.     Oh  !   I  don't  know  what 

I  'm  saying." 

"  Well,  I  don't  think  you   do,  old  feller !  "  said   Mr. 

Bouncer,  puffing  away  at  his  pipe.     "  I  'm  sorry  I  was 

in  the  road,  though !   because,  though   I    fight   shy   of 

those  sort  of  things  myself,  yet  I  don't  want  to  inter- 


388  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

fere  with  the  little  weaknesses  of  other  folks.  But  come 
and  have  a  pipe,  old  feller,  and  we  '11  talk  matters  over, 
and  see  what  pips  are  on  the  cards,  and  what 's  the  state 
of  the  game." 

Now,  a  pipe  was   Mr.  Bouncer's    panacea  for  every 
kind  of  indisposition,  both  mental  and  bodily. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   389 


CHAPTER  V. 

MR.  VERDANT    GREEN    MEETS    WITH   THE    GREEN-EYED 
MONSTER. 

ENTION  had  fre- 

quently  been  made 
by  the  members  of 
the  Honeywood  fam 
ily,  but  more  espe 
cially  by  Miss  Patty, 
of  a  cousin  —  a  male 
cousin  —  to  whom 

they  a11  seemed  to  be 

exceedingly     partial 

far  more  partial,  as  Mr.  Verdant  Green  thought,  with 

regard  to  Miss  Patty,  than  he  would  have  wished  her  to 
have  been.  This  cousin  was  Mr.  Frank  Delaval,  a 
son  of  their  father's  sister.  According  to  their  descrip 
tion,  he  possessed  good  looks,  and  an  equivalently  good 
fortune,  with  all  sorts  of  accomplishments,  both  useful 
and  ornamental  ;  and  was,  in  short  (in  their  eyes 
at  least),  a  very  admirable  Crichton  of  the  nineteenth 
century. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  heard  from  Miss  Patty  so 
much  of  her  cousin  Frank,  and  of  the  pleasure  they 
were  anticipating  from  a  visit  he  had  promised  shortly 


390   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

to  make  to  them,  that  he  had  at  length  begun  to  sus 
pect  that  the  young  lady's  maiden  meditations  were  not 
altogether  "  fancy  free,"  and  that  her  thoughts  dwelt 
upon  this  handsome  cousin  far  more  than  was  palatable 
to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  feelings.  In  the  most  unreason 
able  manner,  therefore,  he  conceived  a  violent  antipathy 
to  Mr.  Frank  Delaval,  even  before  he  had  set  eyes  upon 
him,  and  considered  that  the  Honeywood  family  had, 
one  and  all,  greatly  overrated  him.  But  these  supposi 
tions  and  suspicions  made  him  doubly  anxious  to  come 
to  an  understanding  with  Miss  Patty  before  the  arrival 
of  the  dreaded  Adonis ;  and  it  was  this  thought  that 
had  helped  to  nerve  him  through  the  terrors  of  the 
orchard  scene,  and  which,  but  for  Mr.  Bouncer's  mal 
apropos  intrusion,  would  have  brought  things  to  a 
crisis. 

However,  after  he  had  had  a  talk  with  Mr.  Bouncer, 
and  had  been  fortified  by  that  little  gentleman's  pithy 
admonitions  to  "  go  in  and  win,"  and  to  "  strike  while 
the  iron  's  hot,"  and  that  "  faint  heart  never  won  a  nice 
young  'ooman,"  he  determined  to  seek  out  Miss  Patty 
at  once,  and  bring  to  an  end  their  unfinished  conversa 
tion.  For  this  purpose  he  returned  to  the  hall,  where 
he  found  a  great  commotion,  and  a  carriage  at  the  door; 
and  out  of  the  carriage  jumped  a  handsome  young  man, 
with  a  black  moustache,  who  ran  up  to  the  open  hall- 
door  (where  Miss  Patty  was  standing  with  her  sister), 
seized  Miss  Kitty  by  the  hand,  and  placed  his  mous 
tache  under  her  nose,  and  then  seized  Miss  Patty  by 
her  hand,  and  removed  the  moustache  to  beneath  tier 
nose !  And  all  this  unblushingly  and  as  a  matter  of 
course,  out  in  the  sunshine,  and  before  the  servants! 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  retreated  without  having  been  seen, 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   391 

and,  plunging  into  the  shrubbery,  told  his  woes  to  the 
evergreens,  and  while  he  listened  to 

"  The  dry-tongued  laurel's  pattering  talk," 

he  thought,  "  It  is  as  I  feared  !  I  am  nothing  more  to 
her  than  a  simple  friend."  Though,  why  he  so  morosely 
arrived  at  this  idea  it  would  be  hard  to  say.  Perhaps 
other  jealous  lovers  have  been  similarly  unreason- 
able  and  unreasoning  in  their  conclusions,  and,  of  their 
own  accord,  run  to  the  dark  side  of  the  cloud,  when 
they  might  have  pleasantly  remained  within  its  silver 

lining. 

But  when  Frank  Delaval  had  been  seen,  and  heard, 
and   made   acquaintance  with,  Verdant,  who  was  much 
too    simple-hearted    to   dislike    any    one    without    just 
grounds  for  so  doing,  entered  (even  after  half  an  hour's 
knowledge)    into  the  band   of  his  admirers;    and  that 
same  evening,  in  the  drawing-room,  while  Miss  Kitty 
was   playing   one    of   Schulhoffs    mazurkas,    with   her 
moustached   cousin   standing   by  her  side,  and  turning 
over  the  music-leaves,  Verdant  privately  declared,  over 
a  chess-board,  to  Miss   Patty,  that   Mr.  Frank    Delaval 
was  the  handsomest  and  most  delightful  man   he  had 
ever  met.     And  when  Miss  Patty's  eyes  sparkled  at  this 
proof  of  his  truth  and  disinterestedness,  Verdant  mis 
took  the  bright  signals;   and  further  misconstruing  the 
cause  why  (as  they  continued  to  speak  of  her  cousin) 
she  made  a  most   egregious    blunder,  that  caused   her 
opponent  to  pronounce  the  word  "  Mated  !  "  he  regarded 
it  as  a  fatal  omen,  more  especially  as  Mr.  Frank  came  to 
her  side  at  that  very  moment;    and  when  the  young 
lady  laughed,  and  said,  "  What  a  goose  I  am  !    whatever 
could  I  have  been  thinking  of?"  he  thought  within  him- 


392   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

self  (persisting  in  his  illogical  and  perverse  conclusions), 
"It  is  very  plain  what  she  is  thinking  about!  I  was 
afraid  that  she  loved  him,  and  now  I  know  it."  So  he 
put  up  the  chess-men,  while  she  went  to  the  piano  with 
her  cousin ;  and  he  even  wished  that  Mr.  Bouncer  had 
interrupted  their  apple-tree  conversation  at  its  com 


mencement;  but  was  thankful  to  him  for  coming  in 
time  to  save  him  from  the  pain  of  being  rejected  in 
favour  of  another.  Then,  in  five  minutes,  he  changed 
his  mind,  and  had  decided  that  it  would  have  spared 
him  much  misery  if  he  could  have  heard  his  fate  from 
his  Patty's  own  lips.  Then  he  wished  that  he  had 
never  come  to  Northumberland  at  all,  and  began  to 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  393 

think  how  he  should  spend  his  time  in  the  purgatory 
that  Honeywood  Hall  would  now  be  to  him. 
'  When  they  separated  for  the  night,  HE  again  placed 
his  mis  ach'e  beneath  HER  nose.  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
turned  away  his  head  at  such  a  sickly  exhibition  It  was 
a  presumption  upon  cousinship.  Charles  Larkyns  did 
not  kiss  her;  and  he  was  equally  as  much  her  cousm  as 

F^Dyeet,Vwhen  the  young  men  went  into  the  back 
kitchen  fo  a  pipe  and  a  chat  before  going  to  bed, 
Verdant  was  so"  delighted  with  that  handsome :  cousin 
Frank,  that  he  thought,  "  If  I  was  a  girl,  I  should  thmk 

SIS»  Andd0why  should  she  not  love  him?"  meditated  the 
poor  fellow,  when  he  was  lying  awake  in  h.s  bed _tha 
self-same  night,  rendered  sleepless  by  the  pam  of  h* 
new  wound ;  "  why  should  she  not  love  him?  how  could 
she  do  otherwise?  thrown  together  as  they  have  been 
from  children  -  speaking  to  each  other  as  '  Patty     and 
!pred  -_  kissing  each  other  -  and  being  as  brother  and 
sister     Would  that  they  were  so  !     How  he  kept  near 
her  ail  the  evening  -  coming  to  her  even  when  she  was 
playing  chess  with  me,  then  singing  with  her,  and  play- 
f,  /he?  accompaniments.     She  said  that  no  one  could 
play  her  accompaniments  like  he  could  -  he  had  such 
good  taste,  and  such  a  firm,  delicate  touch      Then  when 
they  talked   about    sketching,  she   sa,d   how  she  had 

mfesed  him,  and  that  she  had  been  reserving  the  view 

from  Brankham  Law,  in  order  that  they  might  sketch 
together.     Then  he  showed  her  h  s  last  drawings  - 

and  they  were  beautiful.     What  can  I  do  against  this? 

"Led   poor  Verdant,  from  under  the   bed-clothes; 

"he  has   accomplishments,  and   I  have  none ;  he  has 


394  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

good  looks,  and  I  haven't;  he  has  a  moustache  and  a 

parr  of  whiskers,  -  and  I  have  only  a  pair  of  spectacles ! 

cannot  shine  m  society,  and  win  admiration,  like  he 

have  nothing  to  offer  her  but  my  love.     Lucky 

;llow!  he  is  worthier  of  her  than  I   am  — and  I  hone 

they  will  be  very   happy."     At   which   thought,   Ver- 

ant  felt  highly  the  reverse,  and  went  off  into  dismal 

dreams. 

In  the  morning,  when  Miss  Patty  and  her  cousin  were 
setting  out  for  the  hill  called  Brankham  Law,  Verdant 
who  had  retreated  to  a  garden-seat  beneath  a  fine  old 
cedar,  was  roused  from  a  very  abstracted  perusal  of 
The  Dream  of  Fair  Women,"  by  the  apparition  of  one 
who,  in  his  eyes,  was  fairer  than  them  all. 

"  I  have  been  searching  for  you  everywhere,"  said  Miss 
'  Mamma  said  that  you  were  not  riding  with  the 
knew  that  you  must  be  somewhere  about 
I  shall  lock  up  my  •  Tennyson/  if  it  takes  you  so 
much  out  of  our  society.     Won't  you  come  up  Brank 
ham  Law  with  Frank  and  me?" 

"Willingly  if  you  wish  it,"  answered  Verdant,  though 
with   an   unwilling  air;    "but  of  what  use   can  I  be? 
thello  s  occupation  is  gone.     Your  cousin  can  fill  my 
place  much  better  than  if  I  were  there." 

"  How  very  ungrateful  you  are!  "said  Miss  Patty  "you 
really  deserve  a  good  scolding !  I  allow  you  to  watch 
me  when  I  am  painting,  in  order  that  you  may  gain  a 
lesson,  and  just  when  you  are  beginning  to  learn  some- 

img,  then  you  give  up.  But,  at  any  rate,  take  Fred  for 
your  master,  and  come  and  watch  him  ;  he  can  draw 

f  you  were  to  go  to  any  of  the  great  men  to  have  a 
lesson  of  them,  all  that  they  would  do  would  be  to  paint 
before  you,  and  leave  you  to  look  on  and  pick  up  what 


THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR.   VERDANT   GREEN.      395 

knowledge  you  could.     I  know  that  /  cannot  draw  any 
thing  worth  looking  at,  - 

"Indeed,  but " - 

"  But  Fred,"  continued  Miss  Patty,  who  was  going  at 

too  great  a  pace  to  be  stopped,  "  but  Fred  is  as  good 

.as    many    masters    that   you    would    meet   with;    so    it 

will  be  an    advantage  to  you  to    come  and   look  over 

him." 

"  I  think  I  should  prefer  to  look  over  you." 

"  Now  you  are  paying  compliments,  and  I  don't  like 
them.  But,  if  you  will  come,  you  will  really  be  useful. 
You  see  I  am  mercenary  in  my  wishes,  after  all.  Here 
is  Fred  with  a  load  of  sketching  materials ;  won't  you 
take  pity  on  him,  and  relieve  him  of  my  share  of  his 
burden?" 

If  I  could  take  you  off  his  hands,  thought  Verdant,  I 
should  be  better  pleased.  But  Miss  Patty  won  the  day ; 
and  Verdant  took  possession  of  her  sketching-block 
and  drawing  materials,  and  set  off  with  them  to 
Brankham  Law. 

Frederick  Delaval  was  a  yachtsman,  and  owner  of  the 
"  Fleur-de-lys,"  a  cutter  yacht,  of  fifty  tons.  Besides  being 
inclined  to  amateur  nautical  pursuits,  he  was  also  partial 
to  an  amateur  nautical  costume ;  and  he  further  dressed 
the  character  of  a  yachtsman  by  slinging  round  him  his 
telescope,  which  was  protected  from  storms  and  salt 
water  by  a  leathern  case.  This  telescope  was,  in  a 
moment,  uncased  and  brought  to  bear  upon  every 
body  and  every  thing,  at  every  opportunity,  in  proper 
nautical  fashion,  being  used  by  him  for  distant  objects 
as  other  people  would  use  an  eyeglass  for  nearer  things. 
And  no  sooner  had  they  arrived  at  the  grassy  plateau 
that  marked  the  summit  of  Brankham  Law,  than  the 


396  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

telescope  was  unslung,  and  its  proprietor  swept  the 
horizon  —  for  there  was  a  distant  view  of  the  ocean  — 
in  search  of  the  "  Fleur-de-lys." 

"  I  am  afraid,"  he  said,  "  that  we  shall  not  be  able  to 
make  her  out ;  the  distance  is  almost  too  great  to  dis 
tinguish  her  from  other  vessels,  although  the  whiteness 
of  her  sails  would  assist  us  to  a  recognition.  If  the 
skipper  got  under  way  at  the  hour  I  told  him,  he  ought 
about  this  time  to  be  rounding  the  headland  that  you 
see  stretching  out  yonder." 

"  I  think  I  see  a  white  sail  in  that  direction,"  said 
Miss  Patty,  as  she  shaded  her  eyes  with  her  hand,  and 
looked  out  earnestly  in  the  required  quarter. 

"My  dear  Patty,"  laughed  her  cousin,  "  if  you  knew 
any  thing  of  nautical  matters,  you  would  see  that  it  was 
not  a  cutter  yacht,  for  she  has  more  than  one  mast ; 
though,  certainly,  as  you  saw  her,  she  seemed  to  have 
but  one,  for  she  was  just  coming  about,  and  was  in 
stays." 

"  In  stays!"  exclaimed  Miss  Patty;  "why  what 
singular  expressions  you  sailors  have !  " 

"  Oh  yes  !  "  said  Frederick  Delaval,  "  and  some  vessels 
have  waists  —  like  young  ladies.  But  now  I  think  I  see 
the  '  Fleur-de-lys  ! '  that  gaff  tops'l  yard  was  never  carried 
by  a  coasting  vessel.  To  be  sure  it  is !  the  skipper 
knows  how  to  handle  her;  and,  if  the  breeze  holds,  she 
will  soon  reach  her  port.  Come  and  have  a  look  at 
her,  Patty,  while  I  rest  the  glass  for  you."  So  he 
balanced  it  on  his  shoulder,  while  Miss  Patty  looked 
through  it  with  her  one  eye,  and  placed  her  fingers 
upon  the  other  —  after  the  manner  of  young  ladies  when 
they  look  through  a  telescope ;  and  then  burst  into 
such  animated,  but  not  thoughtful  observations,  as"  Oh  ! 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   397 

I  can  see  it  quite  plainly.  Oh  !  it  is  rolling  about  so  ! 
Oh  !  there  are  two  little  men  in  it !  Oh  !  one  of  them  's 
pulling  a  rope !  Oh !  it  all  seems  to  be  brought  so 
near !  "  as  if  there  had  been  some  doubt  on  the  matter, 


and  she  had  expected  the  telescope  to  make  things 
invisible.  Miss  Patty  was  quite  in  childish  delight  at 
watching  the  "  Fleur-de-lys'  "  movements,  and  seemed 
to  forget  all  about  the  proposed  sketch,  although 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  found  her  a  comfortable  rock 


398   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

seat,  and  had  placed  her  drawing  materials  ready  for 
use. 

"  How  happy  and  confiding  they  are  !  "  he  thought, 
as  he  gazed  upon  them  thus  standing  together ;  "  they 
seem  to  be  made  for  each  other.  He  is  far  more  fitted 
for  her  than  I  am.  I  wonder  if  I  shall  ever,  see  them 
after  they  are  —  married.  /  shall  never  be  married." 
And,  after  this  morbid  fashion,  the  young  gentleman 
took  a  melancholy  pleasure  in  arranging  his  future. 

It  was  about  this  time  that  the  divine  afflatus  —  which 
had  lain  almost  dormant  since  his  boyish  "  Address  to 
the  Moon"  —was  again  manifested  in  him  by  the  pro 
duction  of  numberless  poetical  effusions,  in  which  his 
own  poignant  anguish  and  Miss  Patty's  incomparable 
attractions  were  brought  forward  in  verses  of  various 
degrees  of  mediocrity.  They  were  also  equally  varied 
in  their  style  and  treatment;  one  being  written  in  a 
fierce  and  gloomy  Byronic  strain,  while  another  followed 
the  lighter  childish  style  of  Wordsworth.  To  this  latter 
class,  perhaps,  belonged  the  following  lines,  which, 
having  accidentally  fallen  into  the  hands  of  Mr.  Bouncer, 
were  pronounced  by  him  to  be  "  no  end  good  !  first-rate 
fun  !  "  for  the  little  gentleman  put  a  highly  erroneous 
construction  upon  them,  and,  to  the  great  laceration  of 
the  author's  feelings,  imagined  them  to  be  altogether  of 
a  comic  tendency.  But,  when  Mr.  Verdant  Green  wrote 
them,  he  probably  thought  that  "  deep  meaning  lieth 
oft  in  childish  play :  "  — 

"  Pretty  Patty  Honeywood, 

Fresh,  and  fair,  and  plump, 
Into  your  affections 
I  should  like  to  jump ! 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   399 

Into  your  good  graces 

I  should  like  to  steal ; 
That  you  lov'd  me  truly 

I  should  like  to  feel. 

u  Pretty  Patty  Honeywood, 

You  can  little  know, 
How  my  sea  of  passion 

Unto  you  doth  flow  ; 
How  it  ever  hastens, 

With  a  swelling  tide, 
To  its  strand  of  happiness 

At  thy  darling  side. 

"  Pretty  Patty  Honeywood, 

Would  that  you  and  I 
Could  ask  the  surpliced  parson 

Our  wedding  knot  to  tie  ! 
Oh  !  my  life  of  sunshine 

Then  would  be  begun, 
Pretty  Patty  Honeywood, 

When  you  and  I  were  one." 

But  by  far  his  greatest  poetical  achievement  was  his 
"  Legend  of  the  Fair  Margaret,"  written  in  Spenserian 
metre,  and  commenced  at  this  period  of  his  career, 
though  never  completed.  The  plot  was  of  the  most 
dismal  and  intricate  kind.  The  Fair  Margaret  was 
beloved  by  two  young  men,  one  of  whom  (Sir  Frederico) 
was  dark,  and  (necessarily,  therefore)  as  badly  disposed 
a  young  man  as  you  would  desire  to  keep  out  of  your 
family  circle,  and  the  other  (Sir  Verdour)  was  light, 
and  (consequently)  as  mild  and  amiable  as  any  given 
number  of  maiden  aunts  could  wish.  As  a  matter  of 
course,  therefore,  the  Fair  Margaret  perversely  pre 
ferred  the  dark  Sir  Frederico,  who  had  poisoned  her 
26 


400     THE   ADVENTURES   OE   MR    VERDANT   GREEN. 

ears,  and  told  her  the  most  abominable  falsehoods  about 
the  good  and  innocent  Sir  Verdour;  when  just  as  Sir 
Frederico  was  about  to  forcibly  carry  away  the  Fair 
Margaret  — 

Why,  just  then,  circumstances  over  which  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  had  no  control,  prevented  the  dtnouement% 
and  the  completion  of  "  the  Legend." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   4Oi 


CHAPTER  VI. 

MR.   VERDANT    GREEN   JOINS    A   NORTHUMBERLAND 
PIC-NIC. 


weeks  had  passed  away 
very  pleasantly  to  all  — 
pleasantly  even  to  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  ;  for,  although 
he  had  not  renewed  his  ap 
ple-tree  conversation  with 
Miss  Patty,  and  was  making 
progress  with  his  "  Legend 
of  the  Fair  Margaret,"  yet 
—  it  may  possibly  have  been 
that  the  exertion  to  make 
"  dove  "  rhyme  with  "  love," 
and  "  gloom  "  with  "  doom," 
occupied  his  mind  to  the 

exclusion  of  needless  sorrow  —  he  contrived  to  make 
himself  mournfully  amiable,  even  if  not  tolerably  happy, 
in  the  society  of  the  fair  enchantress. 

The  Honeywood  party  were  indeed  a  model  house 
hold  ;  and  rode,  -and  drove,  and  walked,  and  fished,  and 
sketched,  as  a  large  family  of  brothers  and  sisters  might 
do  —  perhaps  with  a  little  more  piquancy  than  is  gener 
ally  found  in  the  home-made  dish. 


402   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

They  had  had  more  than  one  little  friendly  pic-nic 
and  excursion,  and  had  seen  Warkworth,  and  grown 
excessively  sentimental  in  its  hermitage ;  they  had  lion 
ised  Alnwick,  and  gone  over  its  noble  castle,  and  sat  in 
Hotspur's  chair,  and  fallen  into  raptures  at  the  Duchess's 
bijou  of  a  dairy,  and  viewed  the  pillared  passant  lion, 
with  his  tail  blowing  straight  out  (owing,  probably,  to 
the  breezy  nature  of  his  position),  and  seen  the  Duke's 
herd  of  buffaloes  tearing  along  their  park  with  stream 
ing  manes ;  and  they  had  gone  back  to  Honeywood 
Hall,  and  received  Honeywood  guests,  and  been  enter 
tained  by  them  in  return. 

But  the  squire  was  now  about  to  give  a  pic-nic  on  a 
large  scale ;  and  as  it  was  important,  not  only  in  its 
dimensions  and  preparations,  but  also  in  bringing  about 
an  occurrence  that  in  no  small  degree  affected  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green's  future  life,  it  becomes  his  historian's  duty 
to  chronicle  the  event  with  the  fulness  that  it  merits. 
The  pic-nic,  moreover,  deserves  mention  because  it  pos 
sessed  an  individuality  of  character,  and  was  unlike  the 
ordinary  solemnities  attending  the  pic-nics  of  every 
day  life. 

In  the  first  place,  the  party  had  to  reach  the  appointed 
spot  —  which  was  Chillingham  —  in  an  unusual  manner. 
At  least  half  of  the  road  that  had  to  be  traversed  was 
impassable  for  carriages.  Bridgeless  brooks  had  to  be 
crossed ;  and  what  were  called  "  roads  "  were  little  bet 
ter  than  the  beds  of  mountain  torrents,  and  in  wet 
weather  might  have  been  taken  for  such.  Deep  chan 
nels  were  worn  in  them  by  the  rush  of  impetuous 
streams,  and  no  known  carriage-springs  could  have 
lived  out  such  ruts.  Carriages,  therefore,  in  this  part  of 
the  country,  were  out  of  the  question.  The  squire  did 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  403 

what  was  usual  on  such  occasions :  he  appointed,  as  a 
rendezvous,  a  certain  little  inn  at  the  extremity  of  the 
carriageable  part  of  the  road,  and  there  all  the  party 
met,  and  left  their  chariots  and  horses.  They  then  - 
after  a  little  preparatory  pic-nic,  for  many  of  them  had 
come  from  long  distances  —  took  possession  of  certain 
wagons  that  were  in  waiting  for  them. 

These  wagons,  though  apparently  of  light  build,  were 
constructed  for  the  country,  and  were  capable  of  sus 
taining   the    severe  test  of  the    rough    roads.     Within 
them  were  lashed  hay-sacks,  which,  when  covered  with 
railway  rugs,  formed  sufficiently  comfortable  seats,  on 
which  the  divisions  of  the  party  sat  vis-a-vis,  like  omni 
bus  travellers.     Frederick  Delaval  and  a  few  others,  on 
horses  and  ponies,  as  outriders,  accompanied  the  wagon 
procession,  which  was  by  no  means  deficient  in  mate 
rials   for  the    picturesque.     The  teams  of  horses  were 
turned  out  to  their  best  advantage,  and  decorated  with 
flowers.     The  fore  horse  of  each  team  bore  his  collar  of 
little  brass  bells,  which  clashed  out  a  wild  music  as  they 
moved  along.     The  ruddy-faced  wagoners  were  in  their 
shirt-sleeves,  which  were  tied  round  with  ribbons ;  they 
had  gay  ribbons  also  on  their  hats  and  whips,  and  did 
not  lack  bouquets  and  flowers  for  the  further  adornment 
of  their  persons.     Altogether  they  were  most  theatrical- 
looking  fellows,  and  appeared  perfectly  prepared  to  take 
their  places  in  the  "  Sonnambula,"  or  any  other  opera 
in  which  decorated  rustics  have  to  appear  and  unani 
mously  shout  their  joy  and  grief  at  the  nightly  rate  of 
two  shillings  per  head.     The  light  summer  dresses  of 
the  ladies  helped  to  make  an  agreeable  variety  of  colour, 
as  the  wagons  moved  slowly  along  the  dark   heathery 
hills,  now  by  the  side  of  a  brawling  brook,  and  now  by 
a  rugged  road. 


404  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

The  joltings  of  these  same  roads  were,  as  little  Mr 
Bouncer  feelingly  remarked,  facts  that  must  be  felt  to 
be  believed.  For,  when  the  wheel  of  any  vehicle  is 
suddenly  plunged  into  a  rut  or  hole  of  a  foot's  depth 
and  from  thence  violently  extracted  with  a  jerk,  plunge' 
and  wrench,  to  be  again  dropped  into  another  hole  or 
rut,  and  withdrawn  from  thence  in  a  like  manner,  — and 


when  this  process  is  being  simultaneously  repeated,  with 
discordant  variations,  by  other  three  wheels  attached  to 
the  self-same  vehicle,  it  will  follow,  as  a  matter  of 
course,  that  the  result  of  this  experiment  will  be  the 
violent  agitation  and  commingling  of  the  movable  con 
tents  of  the  said  vehicle  ;  and,  when  these  contents 
chance  to  take  the  semblance  of  humanity,  it  mav 
readily  be  imagined  what  must  have  been  the  scene  pre 
sented  to  the  view  as  the  pic-nic  wagons,  with  their 
human  freight,  laboured  through  the  mountain  roads 
that  led  towards  Chillingham.  But  all  this  only  gave  a 
zest  to  the  day's  enjoyment;  and,  if  Miss  Patty  Honey. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   405 

wood  was  unable  to  maintain  her  seat  without  assistance 
from  her  neighbour,  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  it  is  not  at  all 
improbable  but  that  she  approved  of  his  kind  attention, 
and  that  the  other  young  ladies  who  were  simi 
larly  situated  accepted  similar  attentions  with  similar 
gratitude. 

In  this  way  they  literally  jogged  along  to  Chillingham, 
where  they  alighted  from  their  novel  carriages  and  four, 
and  then  leisurely  made  their  way  to  the  castle.  When 
they  had  sufficiently  lionised  it,  and  had  strolled  through 
the  gardens,  they  went  to  have  a  look  at  the  famous 
wild  cattle.  Our  Warwickshire  friends  had  frequently 
had  a  distant  view  of  them  ;  for  the  cattle  kept  together 
in  a  herd,  and  as  their  park  was  on  the  slope  of  a  dark 
hill,  they  were  visible  from  afar  off  as  a  moving  white 
patch  on  the  landscape.  On  the  present  occasion  they 
found  that  the  cattle,  which  numbered  their  full  herd  of 
about  a  hundred  strong,  were  quietly  grazing  on  the 
border  of  their  pine  wood,  where  a  few  of  their  fellow- 
tenants,  the  original  red-deer,  were  lifting  their  enormous 
antlers.  From  their  position  the  pic-nic  party  were 
unable  to  obtain  a  very  near  view  of  them ;  but  the 
curiosity  of  the  young  ladies  was  strongly  excited,  and 
would  not  be  allayed  without  a  closer  acquaintance  with 
these  formidable  but  beautiful  creatures.  And  it  there 
fore  happened  that,  when  the  courageous  Miss  Bouncer 
proposed  that  they  should  make  an  incursion  into  the 
very  territory  of  the  Wild  Cattle,  her  proposition  was 
not  only  seconded,  but  was  carried  almost  unanimously. 
It  was  in  vain  that  Mr.  Honeywood,  and  the  seniors  and 
chaperones  of  the  party,  reminded  the  younger  people 
of  the  grisly  head  they  had  just  seen  hanging  up  in  the 
lodge,  and  those  straight  sharp  horns  that  had  gored  to 


406      THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR.  VERISANT   GREEN. 

death  the  brave  keeper  who  had  risked  his  own  life  to 
save  his  master's  friend  ;  it  was  in  vain  that  Charles  Lar- 
kyns,  fearful  for  his  Mary's  sake,  quoted  the  "  Bride  of 
Lammermoor,"  and  urged  the  improbability  of  another 
Master  of  Ravenswood  starting  out  of  the  bushes  to  the 
rescue  of  a  second  Lucy  Ashton ;  it  was  in  vain  that 
anecdotes  were  told  of  the  fury  of  these  cattle,  —  how 
they  would  single  out  some  aged  or  wounded  companion, 
and  drive  him  out  of  the  herd  until  he  miserably  died, 
and  how  they  would  hide  themselves  for  days  within 
their  dark  pine-wood,  where  no  one  dare  attack 
them ;  it  was  in  vain  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  reminded 
Miss  Patty  Honeywood  of  her  narrow  escape  from  Mr. 
Roarer,  and  warned  her  that  her  then  danger  was  now 
increased  a  hundredfold ;  all  in  vain,  for  Miss  Patty 
assured  him  that  the  cattle  were  as  peaceable  as  they 
were  beautiful,  and  that  they  only  attacked  people  in  self- 
defence  when  provoked  or  molested.  So,  as  the  young 
ladies  were  positively  bent  upon  having  a  nearer  view  of 
the  milk-white  herd,  the  greater  number  of  the  gentle 
men  were  obliged  to  accompany  them. 

It  was  no  easy  matter  to  get  into  the  Wild  Cattle's 
enclosure,  as  the  boundary  fence  was  of  unusual  height, 
and  the  difficulty  of  its  being  scaled  by  ladies  was  pro 
portionately  increased.  Nevertheless,  the  fence  and  the 
difficulty  were  alike  surmounted,  and  the  party  were 
safely  landed  within  the  park.  They  had  promised  to 
obey  Mr.  Honeywood's  advice,  and  to  abstain  from 
that  mill-stream  murmur  of  conversation  in  which  a 
party  of  young  ladies  usually  indulge,  and  to  walk 
quietly  among  the  trees,  across  an  angle  of  the  park, 
at  some  two  or  three  hundred  yards'  distance  from  the 
herd,  so  as  not  to  unnecessarily  attract  their  attention ; 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   407 

and  then  to  scale  the  fence  at  a  point  higher  up  the  hill. 
Following  this  advice,  they  walked  quietly  across  the 
mossy  grass,  keeping  behind  trees,  and  escaping  the 
notice  of  the  Cattle.  They  had  reached  midway  in 
their  proposed  path,  and,  with  silent  admiration,  were 
watching  the  movements  of  the  herd  as  they  placidly 
grazed  at  a  short  distance  from  them,  when  Miss 
Bouncer,  who  was  addicted  to  uncontrollable  fits  of 
laughter  at  improper  seasons,  was  so  tickled  at  some 
sotto  voce  remark  of  Frederick  Delaval's,  that  she  burst 
into  a  hearty  ringing  laugh,  which,  ere  she  could  smother 
its  noise  with  her  handkerchief,  had  startled  the  watch 
ful  ears  of  the  monarch  of  the  herd. 

The  Bull  raised  his  magnificent  head,  and  looked 
round  in  the  direction  from  whence  the  disturbance 
had  proceeded.  As  he  perceived  it,  he  sniffed  the  air, 
made  a  rapid  movement  with  his  pink-edged  ears,  and 
gave  an  ominous  bellow.  This  signal  awoke  the  atten 
tion  of  the  other  bulls,  their  wives,  and  children,  who 
simultaneously  left  off  grazing  and  commenced  gazing. 
The  bovine  monarch  gave  another  bellow,  stamped  upon 
the  ground,  lashed  his  tail,  advanced  about  twenty 
yards  in  a  threatening  manner,  and  then  paused,  and 
gazed  fixedly  upon  the  pic-nic  party  and  Miss  Bouncer, 
who  too  late  regretted  her  malapropos  laugh. 

"For  heaven's  sake!"  whispered  Mr.  Honeywood, 
"do  not  speak;  but  get  to  the  fence  as  quietly  and 
quickly  as  you  can." 

The  young  ladies  obeyed,  and  forbore  either  to 
scream  or  faint  — for  the  present.  The  Bull  gave 
another  stamp  and  bellow,  and  made  a  second  advance. 
This  time  he  came  about  fifty  yards  before  he  paused, 
and  he  was  followed  at  a  short  distance,  and  at  a  walk- 


408   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

ing  pace,  by  the  rest  of  the  herd.  The  ladies  retreated 
quietly,  the  gentlemen  came  after  them,  but  the  park- 
fence  appeared  to  be  at  a  terribly  long  distance,  and  it 
was  evident  that  if  the  herd  made  a  sudden  rush  upon 
them,  nothing  could  save  them  — unless  they  could 
climb  the  trees ;  but  this  did  not  seem  very  practicable. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  however,  caught  at  the  probability 
of  such  need,  and  anxiously  looked  round  for  the  most 
likely  tree  for  his  purpose. 

The  Bull  had  made  another  advance,  and  was  gaining 
upon  them.  It  seemed  curious  that  he  should  stand 
forth  as  the  champion  of  the  herd,  and  do  all  the  roar 
ing  and  stamping,  while  the  other  bulls  remained  mute, 
and  followed  with  the  rest  of  the  herd,  yet  so  it  was ; 
but  there  seemed  no  reason  to  disbelieve  the  unpleasant 
fact  that  the  monarch's  example  would  be  imitated  by 
his  subjects.  The  herd  had  now  drawn  so  near,  and  the 
young  ladies  had  made  such  a  comparatively  slow  retreat, 
that  they  were  yet  many  yards  distant  from  the  boundary 
fence,  and  it  was  quite  plain  that  they  could  not  reach 
it  before  the  advancing  milk-white  mass  would  be  hurled 
against  them.  Some  of  the  young  ladies  were  beginning 
to  feel  faint  and  hysterical,  and  their  alarm  was  more  or 
less  shared  by  all  the  party. 

It  was  now,  by  Charles  Larkyns's  advice,  that  the  more 
active  gentlemen  mounted  on  to  the  lower  branches  of 
the  wide-spreading  trees,  and,  aided  by  others  upon  the 
ground,  began  to  lift  up  the  ladies  to  places  of  security. 
Hut,  the  party  being  a  large  one,  this  caring  for  its  more 
valued  but  less  athletic  members  was  a  business  that 
could  not  be  transacted  without  the  expenditure  of  some 
little  time  and  trouble,  more,  as  it  seemed,  than  could 
now  be  bestowed;  for,  the  onward  movement  of  the 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  409 

Chillingham  Cattle  was  more  rapid  than  the  correspond 
ing  upward  movement  of  the  Northumbrian  pic-nickers. 
And,  even  if  Charles  Larkyns's  plan  should  have  a 
favourable  issue,  it  did  not  seem  a  very  agreeable  pro 
spect  to  be  detained  up  in  a  tree,  with  a  century  of  bulls 
bellowing  beneath,  until  casual  assistance  should  arrive  ; 
and  yet,  what  was  this  state  of  affairs  when  compared  with 
the  terrors  of  that  impending  fate -from  which,  for 
some  of  them  at  least,  there  seemed  no  escape?  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  fully  realised  the  horrors  of  this  alter 
native  when  he  looked  at  Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  who 
had  not  yet  joined  those  ladies  who,  clinging  fearfully 
to  the  boughs,  and  crouching  among  the  branches 
like  roosting  guinea-fowls,  were  for  the  present  in 
comparative  safety,  and  out  of  the  reach  of  the 
Cattle. 

The  monarch  of  the  herd  had  now  come  within  forty 
yards  distance,  and  then  stopped,  lashing  his  tail  and 
bellowing  defiance,  as  he  appeared  to  be  preparing  for 
a  final  rush.  Behind  him,  in  a  dense  phalanx,  white 
and  terrible,  were  the  rest  of  the  herd.  Suddenly,  and 
before  the  Snowy  Bull  had  made  his  advance,  Frederick 
Delaval,  to  the  wondering  fear  of  all,  stepped  boldly 
forth  to  meet  him.  As  has  been  said,  he  was  one  of 
the  equestrians  of  the  party,  and  he  carried  a  heavy- 
handled  whip,  furnished  with  a  long  and  powerful  lash. 
He  wrapped  this  lash  round  his  hand,  and  walked 
resolutely  towards  the  Bull,  fixing  his  eyes  steadily 
upon  him.  The  Bull  chafed  angrily,  and  stamped 
upon  the  ground,  but  did  not  advance.  The  herd, 
also,  were  motionless;  but  their  dark,  lustrous  eyes 
were  centred  upon  Frederick  Delaval's  advancing 
figure.  The  members  of  the  pic-nic  party  were  also 


410   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

watching  him  with  intense  interest.  If  they  could,  they 
would  have  prevented  his  purpose ;  for  to  all  appear 
ance  he  was  about  to  lose  his  own  life  in  order  that  the 
rest  of  the  party  might  gain  time  to  reach  a  place  of 
safety.  The  very  expectation  of  this  prevented  many 
of  the  ladies  availing  themselves  of  the  opportunity 
thus  so  boldly  purchased,  and  they  stood  transfixed 
with  terror  and  astonishment,  breathlessly  awaiting 
the  result. 

They  watched  him  draw  near  the  wild  white  Bull,  who 
stood  there  yet,  foaming  and  stamping  up  the  turf,  but 
not  advancing.  His  huge  horned  head  was  held  erect, 
and  his  mane  bristled  up,  as  he  looked  upon  the  adver 
sary  who  thus  dared  to  brave  him.  He  suffered  Frederick 
Delaval  to  approach  him,  and  only  betrayed  a  conscious 
ness  of  his  presence  by  his  heavy  snorting,  angry  lashing 
of  the  tail,  and  quick  motion  of  his  bright  eye.  All  this 
time  the  young  man  had  looked  the  Bull  steadfastly  in 
the  front,  and  had  drawn  near  him  with  an  equal  and 
steady  step.  Suppressed  screams  broke  from  more  than 
one  witness  of  his  bravery,  when  he  at  length  stood 
within  a  step  of  his  huge  adversary.  He  gazed  fixedly 
into  the  Bull's  eyes,  and,  after  a  moment's  pause,  suddenly 
raised  his  riding-whip,  and  lashed  the  animal  heavily 
over  the  shoulders.  The  Bull  tossed  round,  and  roared 
with  fury.  The  whole  herd  became  agitated,  and  other 
bulls  trotted  up  to  support  their  .monarch. 

Still  looking  him  steadfastly  in  the  eyes,  Frederick 
Delaval  again  raised  his  heavy  whip,  and  lashed  him 
more  severely  than  before.  The  Wild  Bull  butted  down, 
swerved  round,  and  dashed  out  with  his  heels.  As  he 
did  so,  Frederick  again  struck  him  heavily  with  the  whip, 
and,  at  the  same  time,  blew  a  piercing  signal  on  the 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   411 

boatswain's  whistle  that  he  usually  carried  with  him. 
The  sudden  shriek  of  the  whistle  appeared  to  put  the 
coup  de  grace  to  the  young  man's  bold  attack,  for  the 
animal  had  no  sooner  heard  it  than  he  tossed  up  his  head 
and  threw  forward  his  ears,  as  though  to  ask  from  whence 
the  novel  noise  proceeded.  Frederick  Delaval  again 
blew  a  piercing  shriek  on  the  whistle;  and  when  the 
Wild  Bull  heard  it,  and  once  more  felt  the  stinging  lash 
of  the  heavy  whip,  he  swerved  round,  and  with  a  bellow 
of  pain  and  fury  trotted  back  to  the  herd.  The  young 
man  blew  another  shrill  whistle,  and  cracked  the  long 
lash  of  his  whip  until  its  echoes  reverberated  like  so 
many  pistol-shots.  The  Wild  Bull's  trot  increased  to  a 
gallop,  and  he  and  the  whole  herd  of  the  Chillingham 
Cattle  dashed  rapidly  away  from  the  pic-nic  party,  and 
in  a  little  time  were  lost  to  view  in  the  recesses  of  their 
forest. 

"  Thank  God !  "  said  Mr.  Honeywood ;  and  it  was 
echoed  in  the  hearts  of  all.  But  the  Squire's  emotion 
was  too  deep  for  words,  as  he  went  to  meet  Frederick 
Delaval,  and  pressed  him  by  the  hand. 

"  Get  the  women  outside  the  park  as  quickly  as  pos 
sible,"  said  Frederick,  "  and  I  will  join  you." 

But  when  this  was  done,  and  Mr.  Honeywood  had 
returned  to  him,  he  found  him  lying  motionless  beneath 
the  tree. 


412  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

MR.   VERDANT   GREEN   HAS  AN  INKLING  OF  THE 
FUTURE. 


MONO  other  things  that 
Mr.  Honeywood  had 
thoughtfully  provid 
ed  for  the  pic-nic 
was  a  flask  of  pale 
brandy,  which,  for 
its  better  preserva 
tion,  he  had  kept  in 
his  own  pocket. 
This  was  fortunate, 
as  it  enabled  the  Squire  to  make 
use  of  it  for  Frederick  Delaval's 
recovery.  He  had  fainted  :  his 
concentrated  courage  and  resolu 
tion  had  borne  him  bravely  up  to  a  certain  point,  and 
then  his  overtaxed  energies  had  given  way  when  the 
necessity  for  their  exertion  was  removed.  When  he  had 
come  to  himself,  he  appeared  to  be  particularly  thankful 
that  there  had  not  been  a  spectator  of  (what  he  deemed 
to  be)  his  unpardonable  foolishness  in  giving  way  to  a 
weakness  that  he  considered  should  be  indulged  in  by 
none  other  than  faint-hearted  women ;  and  he  earnestly 


THE  At) VENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   413 

begged  the  Squire  to  be  silent  on  this  little  episode  in 
the  day's  adventure. 

When  they  had  left  the  Wild  Cattle's  park,  and  had 
joined  the  rest  of  the  party,  Frederick  Delaval  received 
the  hearty  thanks  that  he  so  richly  deserved ;  and  this, 
with  such  an  exuberant  display  of  feminine  gratitude  as 
to  lead  Mr.  Bouncer  to  observe,  that,  if  Mr.  Delaval 
chose  to  take  a  mean  advantage  of  his  position,  he 
could  have  immediately  proposed  to  two-thirds  of  the 
ladies,  without  the  possibility  of  their  declining  his  offer : 
at  which  remark  Mr.  Verdant  Green  experienced  an 
uncomfortable  sensation,  as  he  thought  of  the  probable 
issue  of  events  if  Mr.  Delaval  should  partly  act  upon 
Mr.  Bouncer's  suggestion,  by  selecting  one  young  lady 
—  his  cousin  Patty  —  and  proposing  to  her.  This  re 
flection  became  strengthened  into  a  determination  to  set 
the  matter  at  rest,  decide  his  doubts,  and  put  an  end  to 
his  suspense,  by  taking  the  first  opportunity  to  renew 
with  Miss  Patty  that  most  interesting  apple-tree  conver 
sation  that  had  been  interrupted  by  Mr.  Bouncer  at  such 
a  critical  moment. 

The  pic-nic  party,  broken  up  into  couples  and  groups, 
slowly  made  their  way  up  the  hill  to  Ros  Castle — the 
doubly-intrenched  British  fort  on  the  summit  —  where 
the  dinner  was  to  take  place.  It  was  a  rugged  road, 
running  along  the  side  of  the  park,  bounded  by  rocky 
banks,  and  shaded  by  trees.  It  was  tenanted  as  usual 
by  a  Faw  gang,  —  a  band  of  gipsies,  whose  wild  and 
gay  attire,  with  their  accompaniments  of  tents,  carts, 
horses,  dogs,  and  fires,  added  picturesqueness  to  the 
scene.  With  the  characteristic  of  their  race — which 
appears  to  be  a  shrewd  mixture  of  mendicity  and  men 
dacity —  they  at  once  abandoned  their  business  of 


414 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


tinkering  and  peg-making;  and,  resuming  their  other 
business  of  fortune-telling  and  begging,  they  judiciously 
distributed  themselves  among  the  various  divisions  of 
the  pic-nic  party. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  strolling  up  the  hill  lost  in 
meditation,  and  so  inattentive  to  the  wiles  of  Miss 
Eleonora  Morkin,  and  her  sister  Letitia  Jane  (two 
fascinating  young  ladies  who  were  bent  upon  turning 
the  pic-nic  to  account),  that  they  had  left  him,  and  had 
forcibly  attached  themselves  to  Mr.  Poletiss  (a  soft 
young  gentleman  from  the  neighbourhood  of  Wooler), 
when  a  gipsy  woman,  with  a  baby  at  her  back  and  two 
children  at  her  heels,  singled  out  our  hero  as  a  not 
unlikely  victim,  and  began  at  once  to  tell  his  fate,  dis 
pensing  with  the  aid  of  stops  :  - 

"  May  the  heavens  rain  blessings  on  your  head  my 
pretty  gentleman  give  the  poor  gipsy  a  piece  of  silver 
to  buy  her  a  bit  for  the  bairns  and  I  can  read  by  the 
lines  in  your  face  my  pretty  gentleman  that  you  're  born 
to  ride  in  a  golden  coach  and  wear  buckles  of  diemints 
and  that  your  heart's  opening  like  a  flower  to  help  the 
poor  gipsy  to  get  her  a  trifle  for  her  poor  famishing 
bairns  that  I  see  the  tears  of  pity  astanding  like  pearls 
in  your  eyes  my  pretty  gentleman  and  may  you  never 
know  the  want  of  the  shilling  that  I  see  you  're  going  to 
give  the  poor  gipsy  who  will  send  you  all  the  rich 
blessings  of  heaven  if  you  will  but  cross  her  hand  with 
the  bright  pieces  of  silver  that  are  not  half  so  bright  as 
the  sweet  eyes  of  the  lady  that 's  awaiting  and  athinking 
of  you  my  pretty  gentleman." 

This  unpunctuated  exhortation  of  the  dark-eyed 
prophetess  was  here  diverted  into  a  new  channel  by  the 
arrival  of  Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  who  had  left  her 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


415 


cousin  Frank,  and  had  brought  her  sketch-book  to  the 
spot  where  "  the  pretty  gentleman "  and  the  fortune 
teller  were  standing. 

"  I  do  so  want  to  draw  a  real  gipsy,"  she  said.     "  I 
have  never  yet  sketched  one ;    and  this  is  a  good  oppor 
tunity.     These  little  brownies    of  children,    with   their 
Italian  faces  and  hair, 
are    very    picturesque 
in  their  rags." 

"Oh!  do  draw 
them  !  "  said  Verdant 
enthusiastically,  as  he 
perceived  that  the  rest 
of  the  party  had  passed 
out  of  sight.  "  It  is  a 
capital  opportunity, 
and  I  dare  say  they  will 
have  no  objection  to 
be  sketched." 

"  May  the  heavens 
be  the  hardest  bed 
you  '11  ever  have  to  lie 
on  my  pretty  rosebud," 

said  the  unpunctuating  descendant  of  John  Faa,  as  she 
addressed  herself  to  Miss  Patty;  "and  you  're  welcome 
to  take  the  poor  gipsy's  pictur  and  to  cross  her  hand 
with  the  shining  silver  while  she  reads  the  stars  and 
picks  you  out  a  prince  of  a  husband  and  twelve  pretty 

bairns    like  the  " 

"  No,  no  !  "  said  Miss  Patty,  checking  the  gipsy  in  her 

bounteous    promises.       "  I  '11   give   you    something   for 

letting  me  sketch  you,   but  I  won't   have   my  fortune 

told.     I  know  it  already;   at  least  as  much  as  I  care  to 

27 


416   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

know."  A  speech  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  interpreted 
thus:  Frederick  Delaval  has  proposed,  and  has  been 
accepted. 

"  Pray  don't  let  me  keep  you  from  the  rest  of  the 
party,"  said  Miss  Patty  to  our  hero,  while  the  gipsy  shot 
out  fragments  of  persuasive  oratory.  "  I  can  get  on  very 
well  by  myself."  "  She  wants  to  get  rid  of  me,"  thought 
Verdant.  "  I  dare  say  her  cousin  is  coming  back  to  her." 
But  he  said,  "  At  any  rate  let  me  stay  until  Mr.  Delaval 
rejoins  you." 

"  Oh  !  he  is  gone  on  with  the  rest,  like  a  polite  man. 
The  Miss  Maxwells  and  their  cousins  were  all  by 
themselves." 

"But  you  are  all  by  yourself;  and,  by  your  own 
showing,  I  ought  to  prove  my  politeness  by  staying 

with  you." 

"  I  suppose  that  is  Oxford  logic,"  said  Miss  Patty,  as 
she  went  on  with  her  sketch  of  the  two  gipsy  children. 
"  I  wish  these  small  persons  would  stand  quiet.  Put 
your  hands  on  your  stick,  my  boy,  and  not  before  your 
face.  __  But  there  are  the  Miss  Morkins,  with  one  gentle 
man  for  the  two;  and  I  dare  say  you  would  much  rather 
be  with  Miss  Eleonora.  Now,  would  n't  you?"  and  the 
young  lady,  as  she  rapidly  sketched  the  figures  before 
her,  stole  a  sly  look  at  the  enamoured  gentleman  by 
her  side,  who  forthwith  protested,  in  an  excited  and 
confused  manner,  that  he  would  rather  stand  near  her 
for  one  minute  than  walk  and  talk  for  a  whole  day  with 
the  Miss  Morkins;  and  then,  having  made  this  (for 
him)  unusually  strong  avowal,  he  timidly  blushed,  and 
retired  within  himself.  t 

"  Oh  yes!   I  dare  say,"  said  Miss  Patty;   "  but  I  dont 
believe    in   compliments.     If  you  choose    to   victimise 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   417 

yourself  by  staying  here,  of  course  you  can  do  so.  — • 
Look  at  me,  little  girl ;  you  need  n't  be  frightened ;  I 
shan't  eat  you.  —  And  perhaps  you  can  be  useful.  I 
want  some  water  to  wash-in  these  figures ;  and  if  they 
were  literally  washed  in  it,  it  would  be  very  much  to 
their  advantage,  wouldn't  it?" 

Of  course  it  would ;  and  of  course  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  was  delighted  to  obey  the  command.  "  What 
spirits  she  is  in  !  "  he  thought,  as  he  dipped  the  little 
can  of  water  into  the  spring.  "  I  dare  say  it  is  because 
she  and  her  cousin  Frederick  have  come  to  an 
understanding." 

"  If  you  are  anxious  to  hear  a  fortune  told,"  said  Miss 
Patty,  "  here  is  the  old  gipsy  coming  back  to  us,  and 
you  had  better  let  her  tell  yours." 

"  I  am  afraid  that  I  know  it." 

"  And  do  you  like  the  prospect  of  it?  " 

"  Not  at  all !  "  and  as  he  said  this  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  countenance  fell.  Singularly  enough,  a  shade 
of  sadness  also  stole  over  Miss  Patty's  sunny  face. 
What  could  he  mean? 

A  somewhat  disagreeable  silence  was  broken  by  the 
gipsy  most  volubly  echoing  Miss  Patty's  request. 

"  You  had  better  let  her  tell  you  your  fortune,"  said 
the  young  lady ;  ''perhaps  it  maybe  an  improvement 
on  what  you  expected.  And  I  shall  be  able  to  make  a 
better  sketch  of  her  in  her  true  character  of  a  fortune 
teller." 

Then,  like  as  Martivalle  inspected  Quentin  Durward's 
palm,  according  to  the  form  of  the  mystic  arts  which  he 
practised,  so  the  swarthy  prophetess  opened  her  Book 
of  Fate,  and  favoured  Mr.  Verdant  Green  with  choice 
extracts  from  its  contents.  First,  she  told  the  pretty 


41 8   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


gentleman  a  long  rigmarole  about  the  stars,  and  a  planet 
that  ought  to  have  shone  upon  him,  but  did  n't.  Then 
she  discoursed  of  a  beautiful  young  lady,  with  a  heart 
as  full  of  love  as  a  pomegranate  was  full  of  seeds,  — 
painting,  in  pretty  exact  colours,  a  lively  portraiture  of 
Miss  Patty,  which  was  no  very  difficult  task,  while  the 

fair  original  was  close 
at  hand ;  nevertheless, 
the  infatuated  pretty 
gentleman  was  deeply 
impressed  with  the 
gipsy  narrative,  and 
began  to  think  that  the 
practice  and  knowl 
edge  of  the  occult  sci 
ences  may,  after  all, 
have  been  handed 
down  to  the  modern 
representatives  of  the 
ancient  Egyptians. 
He  was  still  further 
impressed  with  this  be 
lief  when  the  gipsy 
proceeded  to  tell  him  that  he  was  passionately  attached 
to  the  pomegranate-hearted  young  lady,  but  that  his 
path  of  true  love  was  crossed  by  a  rival — a  dark  man. 

Frederick  Delaval !  This  is  really  most  extraordi 
nary !  thought  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  was  not  familiar 
with  a  fortune-teller's  stock  in  trade;  and  he  waited 
with  some  anxiety  for  the  further  unravelling  of  his 
fate. 

The  cunning  gipsy  saw  this,  and  broadly  hinted  that 
another  piece  of  silver  placed  upon  the  junction  of  two 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  419 

cross  lines  in  the  pretty  gentleman's  right  palm  would 
materially  propitiate  the  stars,  and  assist  in  the  happy 
solution  of  his  fortune.  When  the  hint  had  been  taken 
she  pursued  her  romantic  narrative.  Her  elaborate  but 
discursive  summing-up  comprehended  the  triumph  of 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  the  defeat  of  the  dark  man,  the 
marriage  of  the  former  to  the  pomegranate-hearted 
young  lady,  a  yellow  carriage  and  four  white  horses 
with  long  tails,  and,  last  but  certainly  not  least,  a  family 
of  twelve  children :  at  which  childish  termination  Miss 
Patty  laughed,  and  asked  our  hero  if  that  was  the 
fate  that  he  had  dreaded? 

Her  sketch  being  concluded,  she  remunerated  her 
models  so  munificently  as  to  draw  down  upon  her  head 
a  rapid  series  of  the  most  wordy  and  incoherent  bless 
ings  she  had  ever  heard,  under  cover  of  which  she 
effected  her  escape,  and  proceeded  with  her  companion 
to  rejoin  the  others.  They  were  not  very  far  in  advance. 
The  gipsies  had  beset  them  at  divers  points  in  their 
progress,  and  had  made  no  small  number  of  them  yield 
to  their  importunities  to  cross  their  hands  with  silver. 
When  the  various  members  of  the  pic-nic  party  after 
wards  came  to  compare  notes  as  to  the  fortunes  that  had 
been  told  them,  it  was  discovered  that  a  remarkable 
similarity  pervaded  the  fates  of  all,  though  their  destinies 
were  greatly  influenced  by  the  amount  expended  in 
crossing  the  hand ;  and  it  was  observable  that  the 
number  of  children  promised  to  bless  the  nuptial  tie  was 
also  regulated  by  a  sliding-scale  of  payment — the 
largest  payers  being  rewarded  with  the  assurance  of 
the  largest  families.  It  was  also  discovered  that  the 
description  of  the  favoured  lover  was  invariably  the 
verbal  delineation  of  the  lady  or  gentleman  who  chanced 


42O   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

to  be  at  that  time  walking  with  the  person  whose 
fortune  was  being  told  —  a  prophetic  discrimination 
worthy  of  all  praise,  since  it  had  the  pretty  good 
security  of  being  correct  in  more  than  one  case,  and  in 
the  other  cases  there  was  the  chance  of  the  prophecy 
coming  true,  however  improbable  present  events  would 
appear.  Thus,  Miss  Eleonora  Morkin  received,  and 
was  perfectly  satisfied  with,  a  description  of  Mr.  Poletiss ; 
while  Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin  was  made  supremely 
happy  with  a  promise  of  a  similarly-described  gentle 
man  ;  until  the  two  sisters  had  compared  notes,  when 
they  discovered  that  the  same  husband  had  been 
promised  to  both  of  them — which  by  no  means  im 
proved  their  sororal  amiability. 

As  Verdant  walked  up  the  hill  with  Miss  Patty,  he 
thought  very  seriously  on  his  feelings  towards,  her,  and 
pondered  what  might  be  the  nature  of  her  feelings  in 
regard  to  him.  He  believed  that  she  was  engaged  to 
her  cousin  Frederick.  All  her  little  looks,  and  acts, 
and  words  to  himself,  he  could  construe  as  the  mere 
tokens  of  the  friendship  of  a  warm-hearted  girl.  If  she 
was  inclined  to  a  little  flirtation,  there  was  then  an 
additional  reason  for  her  notice  of  him.  Then  he 
thought  that  she  was  of  far  too  noble  a  disposition 
to  lead  him  on  to  a  love  which  she  could  not  or 
might  not  wish  to,  return ;  and  that  she  would  not 
have  said  and  done  many  little  things  that  he  fondly 
recalled,  unless  she  had  chosen  to  show  him  that  he  was 
dearer  to  her  than  a  mere  friend.  Having  ascended  to 
the  heights  of  happiness  by  this  thought,  Verdant  im 
mediately  plunged  from  thence  into  the  depths  of 
misery,  by  calling  to  mind  various  other  little  things 
that  she  had  said  and  done  in  connection  with  her 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   42! 

cousin ;  and  he  again  forced  himself  into  the  conviction 
that  in  Frederick  Delaval  he  had  a  rival,  and,  what  was 
more,  a  successful  one.  He  determined,  before  the  day 
was  over,  to  end  his  tortures  of  suspense  by  putting 
to  Miss  Patty  the  plain  question  whether  or  no  she 
was  engaged  to  her  cousin,  and  to  trust  to  her  kind 
ness  to  forgive  the  question  if  it  was  an  impertinent 
one.  He  was  unable  to  do  this  for  the  present,  partly 
from  lack  of  courage,  and  partly  from  the  too  close 
neighbourhood  of  others  of  the  party ;  but  he  concocted 
several  sentences  that  seemed  to  him  to  be  admirably 
adapted  to  bring  about  the  desired  result. 

"  How  abstracted  you  are!  "  said  Miss  Patty  to  him 
rather  abruptly.  "  Why  don't  you  make  yourself 
agreeable  ?  For  the  last  three  minutes  you  have  not 
taken  your  eyes  off  Kitty."  (She  was  walking  just 
before  them,  with  her  cousin  Frederick.)  "  What  were 
you  thinking  about  ?  " 

Perhaps  it  was  that  he  was  suddenly  roused  from 
deep  thought,  and  had  no  time  to  frame  an  evasive 
reply;  but  at  any  rate  Mr.  Verdant  Green  answered, 
"  I  was  thinking  that  Mr.  Delaval  had  proposed,  and 
had  been  accepted."  And  then  he  was  frightened  at 
what  he  had  said;  for  Miss  Patty  looked  confused  and 
surprised.  "  I  see  that  it  is  so,"  he  sighed,  and  his 
heart  sank  within  him. 

"  How  did  you  find  it  out?"  she  replied.  "It  is  a 
secret  for  the  present ;  and  we  do  not  wish  any  one  to 
know  of  it." 

"  My  dear  Patty,"  said  Frederick  Delaval,  who  had 
waited  for  them  to  come  up,  "  wherever  have  you  been? 
We  thought  the  gipsies  had  stolen  you.  I  am  dying  to 
tell  you  my  fortune.  I  was  with  Miss  Maxwell  at  the 


422  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR  VERDANT  GREEN. 

time,  and  the  old  woman  described  her  to  me  as  my 
future  wife.  The  fortune-teller  was  slightly  on  the 
wrong  tack,  wasn't  she?"  So  Frederick  Delaval  and 
the  Misses  Honeywood  laughed ;  and  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  also  laughed  in  a  very  savage  manner;  and 
they  all  seemed  to  think  it  a  very  capital  joke,  and 
walked  on  together  in  very  capital  spirits. 

"  My  last  hope  is  gone  ! "  thought  Verdant.     "  I  have 
now  heard  my  fate  from  her  own  lips." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   423 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

MR.  VERDANT   GREEN   CROSSES  THE  RUBICON. 

>HE  pic-nic  dinner  was 
laid  near  to  the  brow 
of  the  hill  of  Ros  Cas 
tle,  on  the  shady  side 
of  the  park  wall.  In 
this  cool  retreat,  with 
the  thick  summer  fo- 
liaee  to  screen  them 

o 

from  the  hot  sun, 
they  could  feast  un 
disturbed  either  by 
the  Wild  Cattle  or  the 
noonday  glare,  and 
drink  in  draughts  of  beauty  from  the  wide-spread  land 
scape  before  them. 

The  hill  on  which  they  were  seated  was  broken  up 
into  the  most  picturesque  undulations ;  here,  the  rock 
cropped  out  from  the  mossy  turf;  there,  the  blaeber 
ries  (the  bilberries  of  more  southern  counties)  clustered 
in  myrtle-like  bushes.  The  intrenched  hill  sloped  down 
to  a  rich  plain,  spreading  out  for  many  miles,  traversed 
by  the  great  north  road,  and  dotted  over  with  hamlets. 
Then  came  a  brown  belt  of  sand,  and  a  broken  white 
line  of  breakers ;  and  then  the  sea,  flecked  with  crested 


424  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

waves,  and  sails  that  glimmered  in  the  dreamy  distance. 
Holy  Island  was  also  in  sight,  together  with  the  rugged 
Castle  of  Bamborough,  and  the  picturesque  groups  of 
the  Staple  and  the  Farn  Islands,  covered  with  sea-birds, 
and  circled  with  pearls  of  foam. 

The  immediate  foreground  presented  a  very  cheering 
prospect  to  hungry  folks.  The  snowy  table-cloth  — 
held  down  upon  the  grass  by  fragments  of  rock  against 
the  surprise  of  high  winds —  was  dappled  over  with  loins 
of  lamb,  and  lobster  salads,  and  pigeon-pies,  and  veal 
cakes,  and  grouse,  and  game,  and  ducks,  and  cold  fowls, 
and  ruddy  hams,  and  helpless  tongues,  and  cool  cucum 
bers,  and  pickled  salmon,  and  roast-beef  of  old  England, 
and  oyster  patties,  and  venison  pasties,  and  all  sorts  of 
pastries,  and  jellies,  and  custards,  and  ice :  to  say  noth 
ing  of  piles  of  peaches,  and  nectarines,  and  grapes,  and 
melons,  and  pines.  Every  thing  had  been  remembered 
—  even  the  salt,  and  the  knives  and  forks,  which  are 
usually  forgotten  at  alfresco  entertainments.  All  this 
was  very  cheering,  and  suggestive  of  enjoyment  and 
creature  comforts.  Wines  and  humbler  liquids  stood 
around;  and,  for  the  especial  delectation,  of  the  ladies, 
a  goodly  supply  of  champagne  lay  cooling  itself  in  some 
ice-pails,  under  the  tilt  of  the  cart  that  had  brought  it. 
This  cart-tilt,  draped  over  with  loose  sacking,  formed  a 
very  good  imitation  of  a  gipsy  tent,  that  did  not  in  the 
least  detract  from  the  rusticity  of  the  scene,  more 
especially  as  close  behind  it  was  burning  a  gipsy  fire, 
surmounted  by  a  triple  gibbet,  on  which  hung  a  kettle, 
melodious  even  then,  and  singing  through  its  swan-like 
neck  an  intimation  of  its  readiness  to  aid,  at  a  moment's 
notice,  in  the  manufacture  of  whisky-toddy. 

The  dinner  was  a  very  merry  affair.     The  gentlemen 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   425 

vied  with  the  servants  in  attending  to  the  wants  of  the 
ladies,  and  were  assiduous  in  the  duties  of  cutting  and 
carving ;   while  the  sharp   popping   of  the   champagne, 
and   the   heavier    artillery    of  the   pale    ale    and  porter 
bottles,  made  a  pleasant  fusillade.     Little  Mr.  Bouncer 
was  especially  deserving   of  notice.     He    sat  with  his 
legs  in  the  shape  of  the  letter  V  inverted,  his  legs  being 
forced  to  retain    their   position   from  the  fact    of  three 
dishes   of  various   dimensions  being  arranged   between 
them  in  a  diminuendo  passage.     These  three  dishes  he 
vigorously  attacked,  not  only  on  his  own  account,  but 
also  on  behalf  of  his  neighbours,  more  especially  Mis 
Fanny  Green,  who  reclined  by  his  side  in  an  oriental 
posture,  and  made  a  table  of  her  lap.     The  disposition 
of  the  rest  of  the  dramatis  persona  was  also  noticeable, 
as  also  their  positions  —  their  sitting  a  la  Turk  or  tailor, 
and  their  dtgagts  attitudes  and  costumes.     Charles  Lar- 
kyns  had  got  by  Mary  Green;   Mr.  Poletiss  was  placed, 
sandwich-like,  between  the  two  Miss  Morkins,  who  were 
both  making  love  to  him   at  once ;   Frederick  Delaval 
was   sitting  in  a  similar   fashion  between  the  two  Miss 
Honeywoods,  who  were  not,  however,  both  making  love 
to  him  at  once  ;   and  on  the  other  side  of  Miss  Patty  was 
Mr.  Verdant  Green.     The  infatuated  young  man  could 
not  drag  himself  away  from  his  conqueror.     Although, 
from  her  own  confession,   he   had   learnt  what  he   had 
many  times    suspected —  that   Frederick    Delaval    had 
proposed  and  had  been  accepted  — yet   he   still  felt  a 
pleasure  in  burning  his  wings  and  fluttering  round  his 
light  of  love.     "  An  affection   of  the  heart   cannot  be 
cured  at  a  moment's  notice,"    thought   Verdant;    "  to 
morrow  I  will  endeavour  to  begin  the  task  of  forgetting 
—  to-day,   remembrance   is  too   recent;    besides,  every 


426  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

one   is  expected  to  enjoy  himself  at  a  pic-nic,  and    I 
must  appear  to  do  the  same." 

But  it  did  not  seem  as  though  Miss  Patty  had  any 
intention  of  allowing  those  in  her  immediate  vicinity  to 
betake  themselves  to  the  dismals,  or  to  the  produce  of 
wet-blankets,  for  she  was  in  the  very  highest  spirits,  and 
insisted,  as  it  were,  that  those  around  her  should  catch 
the  contagion  of  her  cheerfulness.  And  it  accordingly 
happened  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  seemed  to  be  as 
merry  as  was  old  King  Cole,  and  laughed  and  talked  as 
though  black  care  was  anywhere  else  than  between  him 
self  and  Miss  Patty  Honeywood. 

Close  behind  Miss  Patty  was  the  gipsy-tent-looking 
cart- tilt;  and  when  the  dinner  was  over, .and  there  was 
a  slight  change  of  places,  while  the  fragments  were 
being  cleared  away  and  the  dessert  and  wine  were  being 
placed  on  the  table  —  that  is  to  say,  the  cloth  —  Miss 
Patty,  under  pretence  of  escaping  from  a  ray  of  sun 
shine  that  had  pierced  the  trees  and  found  its  way  to  her 
face,  retreated  a  yard  or  so,  and  crouched  beneath  the 
pseudo  gipsy-tent.  And  what  so  natural  but  that  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  should  also  find  the  sun  disagreeable, 
and  should  follow  his  light  of  love,  to  burn  his  wings  a 
little  more,  and  flutter  round  her  fascinations?  At  any 
rate,  whether  natural  or  no,  Verdant  also  drew  back  a 
yard  or  so,  and  found  himself  half  within  the  cart-tilt, 
and  very  close  to  Miss  Patty. 

The  pic-nic  party  were  stretched  at  their  ease  upon 
the  grass,  drinking  wine,  munching  fruit,  talking,  laugh 
ing,  and  flirting,  with  the  blue  sea  before  them  and  the 
bluer  sky  above  them,  when  said  the  squire  in  heroic 
strain,  "Song  alone  is  wanting  to  crown  our  feast! 
Charles  Larkyns,  you  have  not  only  the  face  of  a  singer, 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   427 

but,  as  we  all  know,  you  have  the  voice  of  one.  I 
therefore  call  upon  you  to  set  our  minstrels  an  example  ; 
and,  as  a  propitiatory  measure,  I  beg  to  propose  your 
health,  with  eulogistic  thanks  for  the  song  you  are  about 
to  sing !  "  Which  was  unanimously  seconded  amid 
laughter  and  cheers;  and  the  pop  of  the  champagne 
bottles  gave  Charles  Larkyns  the  key-note  for  his  song. 
It  was  suited  to  the  occasion  (perhaps  it  was  composed 
for  it?),  being  a  paean  for  a  pic-nic,  and  it  stated  (in 

chorus)  — 

"  Then  these  aids  to  success 

Should  a  pic-nic  possess 
For  the  cup  of  its  joy  to  be  brimming : 
Three  things  there  should  shine 
Fair,  agreeable,  and  fine  — 
The  Weather,  the  Wine,  and  the  Women  !  " 

A  rule  of  pic-nics  which,  if  properly  worked  out,  could 
not  fail  to  answer. 

Other  songs  followed ;  and  Mr.  Poletiss,  being  a 
young  gentleman  of  a  meek  appearance  and  still  meeker 
voice,  lyrically  informed  the  company  that  "  Oh  !  he 
was  a  pirate  bold,  The  scourge  of  the  wide,  wide  sea, 
With  a  murd'rous  thirst  for  gold,  And  a  life  that  was 
wild  and  free!"  And  when  Mr.  Poletiss  arrived  at 
this  point,  he  repeated  the  last  word  two  or  three  times 
over  —  just  as  if  he  had  been  King  George  the  Third 
visiting  Whitbread's  Brewery  — 

"  Grains,  grains  !  "  said  majesty,  "  to  fill  their  crops  ? 
Grains,  grains  !  that  comes  from  hops  —  yes,  hops,  hops,  hops  ! ' 

So  Mr.  Poletiss  sang,  "  And  a  life  that  was  wild  and 
free,  free,  free,  And  a  life  that  was  wild  and  free."  To 
this  charming  lyric  there  was  a  chorus  of,  "  Then  hurrah 
for  the  pirate  bold,  And  hurrah  for  the  rover  wild,  And 


428  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

hurrah  for  the  yellow  gold,  And  hurrah  for  the  ocean's 
child  !  "  the  mild  enunciation  of  which  highly  moral  and 
appropriate  chant  appeared  to  give  Mr.  Poletiss  great 
satisfaction,  as  he  turned  his  half-shut  eyes  to  the  sky, 
and  fashioned  his  mouth  into  a  smile.  Mr.  Bouncer's 
love  for  a  chorus  was  conspicuously  displayed  on  this 
occasion;  and  Miss  Eleonora  and  Miss  Letitia  Jane 


Morkin  added  their  feeble  trebles  to  the  hurrahs  with 
which  Mr.  Poletiss,  in  his  George  the  Third  fashion, 
meekly  hailed  the  advantages  to  be  derived  from  a 
pirate's  career. 

But  what  was  Mr.  Verdant  Green  doing  all  this  time? 
The  sunbeam  had  pursued  him,  and  proved  so  annoying 
that  he  had  found  it  necessary  to  withdraw  altogether 
into  the  shade  of  the  pseudo  gipsy- tent.  Miss  Patty 
Honeywood  had  made  such  room  for  him  that  she  was 
entirely  hidden  from  the  rest  of  the  party  by  the  rude 
drapery  of  the  tent.  By  the  time  that  Mr.  Poletiss  had 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   429 

commenced  his  piratical  song,  Miss  Patty  and  Verdant 
were  deep  in  a  whispered  conversation.  It  was  she  who 
had  started  the  conversation,  and  it  was  about  the  gipsy 
and  her  fortune-telling. 

Just  when  Mr.  Poletiss  had  given  his  first  imitation  of 
King  George,  and  was  mildly  plunging  into  his  hurrah 
chorus,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  —  whose  timidity,  fears,  and 
depression  of  spirits  had  somewhat  been  dispelled  and 
alleviated  by  the  allied  powers  of  Miss  Patty  and  the 
champagne  — was  speaking  thus:  "  And  do  you  really 
think  that  she  was  only  inventing,  and  that  the  dark 
man  she  spoke  of  was  a  creature  of  her  own 
imagination?  " 

"Of  course!"  answered  Miss  Patty;  "you  surely 
don't  believe  that  she  could  have  meant  any  one  in 
particular,  either  in  the  gentleman's  case  or  in  the 
lady's?" 

"  But,  in  the  lady's,  she  evidently  described  you'' 

"  Very  likely !  just  as  she  would  have  described  any 
other  young  lady  who  might  have  chanced  to  be  with 
you :  Miss  Morkin,  for  example.  The  gipsy  knew  her 
trade." 

"  Many  true  words  are  spoken  in  jest.  Perhaps  it 
was  not  altogether  idly  that  she  spoke ;  perhaps  I  did 
care  for  the  lady  she  described." 

The  sunbeam  must  surely  have  penetrated  through 
the  tent's  coarse  covering,  for  both  Miss  Patty  and  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  were  becoming  very  hot  —  hotter  even 
than  they  had  been  under  the  apple-tree  in  the  orchard. 
Mr.  Poletiss  was  all  this  time  giving  his  imitations  of 
George  the  Third,  and  lyrically  expressing  his  opinion 
as  to  the  advantages  to  be  derived  from  the  profession 
of  a  pirate ;  and,  as  his  song  was  almost  as  long  as 


430   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"  Chevy  Chase,"  and  mainly  consisted  of  a  chorus, 
which  was  energetically  led  by  Mr.  Bouncer,  there  was 
noise  enough  made  to  drown  any  whispered  conversa 
tion  in  the  pseudo  gipsy-tent. 

"But,"  continued  Verdant,  "  perhaps  the  lady  she 
described  did  not  care  for  me,  or  she  would  not  have 
given  all  her  love  to  the  dark  man." 
D  "  I  think,"  faltered  Miss  Patty,  "  the  gipsy  seemed  to 
say  that  the  lady  preferred  the  light  man.  But  you  do 
not  believe  what  she  told  you?  " 

"  I  would  have  done  so  a  few  days  ago  —  if  it  had 
been  repeated  by  you." 

"  I  scarcely  know  what  you  mean." 

"  Until  to-day  I  had  hoped.  It  seems  that  I  have 
built  my  hopes  on  a  false  foundation,  and  one  word  of 
yours  has  crumbled  them  into  the  dust !  " 

This  pretty  sentence  embodied  an  idea  that  he  had 
stolen  from  his  own  "  Legend  of  the  Fair  Margaret."  He 
felt  so  much  pride  in  his  property  that,  as  Miss  Patty 
looked  slightly  bewildered  and  remained  speechless,  he 
reiterated  the  little  quotation  about  his  crumbling 
hopes. 

"  Whatever  can  I  have  done,"  said  the  young  lady, 
with  a  smile,  "  to  cause  such  a  ruin?  " 

"  It  caused  you  no  pain  to  utter  the  words,"  replied 
Verdant;  "and  why  should  it?  but,  to  me,  they  tolled 
the  knell  of  my  happiness."  (This  was  another  quota 
tion  from  his  Legend.) 

"  Then  hurrah  for  the  pirate  bold,  And  hurrah  for  the 
rover  wild  !  "  sang  the  meek  Mr.  Poletiss. 

Miss  Patty  Honeywood  began  to  suspect  that  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  had  taken  too  much  champagne ! 

"  What  do  you  mean?  "  she  said.     "  Whatever  have 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   431 

I  said  or  done  to  you  that  you  make  use  of  such  remark 
able  expressions?  " 

"  And  hurrah  for  the  yellow  gold,  And  hurrah  for  the 
ocean's  child !  "  chorussed  Messrs.  Poletiss,  Bouncer, 
and  Co. 

Looking  as  sentimental  as  his  spectacles  would  allow, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  replied  in  verse  — 

"  *  Hopes  that  once  we  Ve  loved  to  cherish 
May  fade  and  droop,  but  never  perish  ! ' 

as  Shakspeare  says."  (Although  he  modestly  attributed 
this  sentiment  to  the  Swan  of  Avon,  it  was,  nevertheless, 


another  quotation  from  his  own  Legend.)  "  And  it  is 
my  case.  7  cannot  forget  the  Past,  though  you  may  !  " 
"  Really  you  are  as  enigmatical  as  the  Sphinx  !  "  said 
Miss  Patty,  who  again  thought  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in 
connection  with  champagne.  "  Pray  condescend  to 
speak  more  plainly,  for  I  was  never  clever  at  finding  out 
riddles." 

28 


432   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"  And  have  you  forgotten  what  you  said  to  me,  in 
reply  to  a  question  that  I  asked  you,  as  we  came  up  the 
hill?" 

"  Yes,  I  have  quite  forgotten.  I  dare  say  I  said  many 
foolish  things ;  but  what  was  the  particular  foolish  thing 
that  so  dwells  on  your  mind?  " 

"  If  it  is  so  soon  forgotten,  it  is  not  worth  repeating." 

"  Oh,  it  is  !  Pray  gratify  my  curiosity.  I  am  sorry 
my  bad  memory  should  have  given  you  any  pain." 

"  It  was  not  your  bad  memory,  but  your  words." 

"My  bad  words?  " 

"No,  not  bad;  but  words  that  shut  out  a  bright 
future,  and  changed  my  life  to  gloom."  (The  Legend 

again.) 

Miss  Patty  looked  more  perplexed  than  ever;  while 
Mr.  Poletiss  politely  filled  up  the  gap  of  silence  with  an 
imitation  of  King  George  the  Third. 

"  I  really  do  not  know  what  you  mean,"  said  Miss 
Patty.  "  If  I  have  said  or  done  anything  that  has  caused 
you  pain,  I  can  assure  you  it  was  quite  unwittingly  on 
my  part,  and  I  am  very  sorry  for  it ;  but,  if  you  will  tell 
me  what  it  was,  perhaps  I  may  be  able  to  explain  it 
away,  and  disabuse  your  mind  of  a  false  impression." 

"  I  am  quite  sure  that  you  did  not  intend  to  pain  me," 
replied  Verdant ;  "  and  I  know  that  it  was  presumptuous 
in  me  to  think  as  I  did.  It  was  scarcely  probable  that 
you  would  feel  as  I  felt;  and  I  ought  to  have  made  up 
my  mind  to  it,  and  have  borne  my  sufferings  with  a 
patient  heart."  (The  Legend  again  !)  "  And  yet  when 
the  shock  does  come,  it  is  very  hard  to  be  borne." 

Miss  Patty's  bright  eyes  were  dilated  with  wonder, 
and  she  again  thought  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in  connec 
tion  with  champagne.  Mr.  Poletiss  was  still  taking  his 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   433 

pirate  through  all  sorts  of  flats  and  sharps,  and  chromatic 
imitations  of  King  George. 

"  But,  what  is  this  shock?  "  asked  Miss  Patty.  "  Per 
haps  I  can  relieve  it;  and  I  ought  to  do  so  if  it  came 
through  my  means." 

"  You  cannot  help  me,"  said  Verdant.  "  My  suspi 
cions  were  confirmed  by  your  words,  and  they  have 
sealed  my  fate." 

"  But  you  have  not  yet  told  me  what  those  words  were, 
and  I  must  really  insist  upon  knowing,"  said  Miss  Patty, 
who  had  begun  to  look  very  seriously  perplexed. 

"  And,  can  you  have  forgotten !  "  was  the  reply. 
"  Do  you  not  remember,  that,  as  we  came  up  the  hill,  I 
put  a  certain  question  to  you  about  Mr.  Delaval  having 
proposed  and  having  been  accepted  ? " 

"Yes  !   I  remember  it  very  well !     And,  what  then?  " 

"And,  what  then!"  echoed  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  in 
the  greatest  wonder  at  the  young  lady's  calmness; 
"  what  then  !  why,  when  you  told  me  that  he  had  been 
accepted,  was  not  that  sufficient  for  me  to  know?  —  to 
know  that  all  my  love  had  been  given  to  one  who  was 
another's,  and  that  all  my  hopes  were  blighted  !  was  not 
this  sufficient  to  crush  me,  and  to  change  the  colour  of 
my  life?"  And  Verdant's  face  showed  that,  though  he 
might  be  quoting  from  his  Legend,  he  was  yet  speaking 
from  his  heart. 

"  Oh !  I  little  expected  this !  "  faltered  Miss  Patty,  in 
real  grief;  "  I  little  thought  of  this.  Why  did  you  not 
speak  sooner  to  some  one  —  to  me,  for  instance  —  and 
have  spared  yourself  this  misery?  If  you  had  been 
earlier  made  acquainted  with  Frederick's  attachment, 
you  might  then  have  checked  your  own.  I  did  not 
ever  dream  of  this !  "  And  Miss  Patty,  who  had  turned 


434  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

pale,  and  trembled  with  agitation,  could  not  restrain  a 
tear. 

"  It  is  very  kind  of  you  thus  to  feel  for  me !  "  said 
Verdant;  "  and  all  I  ask  is,  that  you  will  still  remain 
my  friend." 

"  Indeed,  I  will.  And  I  am  sure  Kitty  will  always 
wish  to  be  the  same.  She  will  be  sadly  grieved  to  hear 
of  this ;  for,  I  can  assure  you  that  she  had  no  suspicion 
you  were  attached  to  her." 

"  Attached  to  HER  !  "  cried  Verdant,  with  vast  surprise. 
"  What  ever  do  you  mean?  " 

"  Have  you  not  been  telling  me  of  your  secret  love 
for  her?"  answered  Miss  Patty,  who  again  turned  her 
thoughts  to  the  champagne. 

"  Love  for  her  ?     No  !  nothing  of  the  kind." 

"  What !  and  not  spoken  about  your  grief  when  I  told 
you  that  Frederick  Delaval  had  proposed  to  her,  and 
had  been  accepted?  " 

"  Proposed  to  her  ? "  cried  Verdant,  in  a  kind  of 
dreamy  swoon. 

"  Yes !  to  whom  else  do  you  suppose  he  would 
propose?  " 

"To  you/" 

"  To  ME  !  " 

"  Yes,  to  you  !  Why,  have  you  not  been  telling  me 
that  you  were  engaged  to  him?  " 

"  Telling  you  that  /  was  engaged  to  Fred  !  "  rejoined 
Miss  Patty.  "  Why,  what  could  put  such  an  idea  into 
your  head?  Fred  is  engaged  to  Kitty.  You  asked  me 
if  it  was  not  so;  and  I  told  you,  yes,  but  that  it  was  a 
secret  at  present.  Why,  then  of  whom  were  you 
talking?  " 

"  Of  you/" 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  435 

"Of  mi?" 

"  Yes,  of  you  !  "  And  the  scales  fell  from  the  eyes  of 
both  and  they  saw  their  mutual  mistake. 

There  was  a  silence,  which  Verdant  was  the  first  to 

break. 

"  It  seems  that  love  is  really  blind.  I  now  perceive 
how  we  have  been  playing  at  cross  questions  and 
crooked  answers.  When  I  asked  you  about  Mr.  Delaval, 
my  thoughts  were  wholly  of  you,  and  I  spoke  of  you, 
and  not  of  your  sister,  as  you  imagined ;  and  I  fancied 
that  you  answered  not  for  your  sister,  but  for  yourself. 
When  I  spoke  of  my  attachment,  it  did  not  refer  to  your 
sister,  but  to  you." 

"  To  me  ?  "  softly  said  Miss  Patty,  as  a  delicious 
tremor  stole  over  her. 

"  To  you,  and  to  you  alone,"  answered  Verdant.  The 
great  stumbling-block  of  his  doubts  was  now  removed, 
and  his  way  lay  clear  before  him.  Then,  after  a 
momentary  pause  to  nerve  his  determination,  and  with 
out  further  prelude,  or  beating  about  the  bush,  he  said, 
"  Patty  —  my  dear  Miss  Honeywood  —  I  love  you  !  do 
you  love  me?  " 

There  it  was  at  last!  The  dreaded  question  over 
which  he  had  passed  so  many  hours  of  thought,  was  at 
length  spoken.  The  elaborate  sentences  that  he  had 
devised  for  its  introduction,  had  all  been  forgotten ;  and 
his  artificial  flowers  of  oratory  had  been  exchanged  for 
those  simpler  blossoms  of  honesty  and  truth  —  "  I  love 
yOU  —  do  you  love  me?"  He  had  imagined  that  he 
should  put  the  question  to  her  when  they  were  alone  in 
some  quiet  room;  or,  better  still,  when  they  were 
wandering  together  in  some  sequestered  garden  walk  or 
shady  lane ;  and,  now,  here  he  had  unexpectedly,  and 


436  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

undesignedly,  found  his  opportunity  at  a  pic-nic  dinner, 
with  half  a  hundred  people  close  beside  him,  and  his 
ears  assaulted  with  a  songster's  praises  of  piracy  and 
murder.  Strange  accompaniments  to  a  declaration  of 
the  tender  passion  !  But,  like  others  before  him,  he  had 
found  that  there  was  no  such  privacy  as  that  of  a  crowd 
—  the  fear  of  interruption  probably  adding  a  spur  to 
determination,  while  the  laughter  and  busy  talking  of 
others  assist  to  fill  up  awkward  pauses  of  agitation  in 
the  converse  of  the  loving  couple. 

Despite  the  heat,  Miss  Patty's  cheeks  paled  for  a 
moment,  as  Verdant  put  to  her  that  question,  "  Do  you 
love  me?"  Then  a  deep  blush  stole  over  them,  as  she 
whispered  "  I  do." 

What  need  for  more?  what  need  for  pressure  of  hands 
or  lips,  and  vows  of  love  and  constancy?  What  need 
even  for  the  elder  and  more  desperate  of  the  Miss 
Morkins  to  maliciously  suggest  that  Mr.  Poletiss  —  who 
had  concluded,  amid  a  great  display  of  approbation 
(probably  because  it  was  concluded)  his  mild  piratical 
chant,  and  his  imitations  of  King  George  the  Third  — 
should  call  upon  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  as  she  under 
stood,  was  a  very  good  singer?  "  And,  dear  me  !  where 
could  he  have  gone  to,  when  he  was  here  just  now,  you 
know!  and,  good  gracious!  why  there  he  was,  under 
the  cart-tilt —  and  well,  I  never  was  so  surprised  —  Miss 
Martha  Honeywood  with  him,  flirting  now,  I  dare  say? 
should  n't  you  think  so?  " 

No  need  for  this  stroke  of  generalship  !  No  need  for 
Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin  to  prompt  Miss  Fanny  Green 
to  bring  her  brother  out  of  his  retirement.  No  need  for 
Mr.  Frederick  Delaval  to  say  "  I  thought  you  were 
never  going  to  slip  from  your  moorings !  "  Or  for  little 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   437 

Mr.  Bouncer  to  cry,  "  Yoicks  !  unearthed  at  last !  "  No 
need  for  anything,  save  the  parental  sanction  to  the 
newly-formed  engagement.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had 
proposed,  and  had  been  accepted;  and  Miss  Patty 
Honeyvvood  could  exclaim  with  Schiller's  heroine,  "  Ich 
habe  gelebt  und  geliebet !  —  I  have  lived,  and  have 
loved !  " 


438   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER   IX. 

MR.   VERDANT  GREEN  ASKS   PAPA. 

USS  MORKIN  met  with  her 
reward  before  many  hours. 
The  pic-nic  party  were  on 
their  way  home,  and  had 
reached  within  a  short  dis 
tance  of  the  inn  where  their 
wagons  had  to  be  ex 
changed  for  carriages.  It 
has  been  mentioned  that, 
among  the  difficulties  of  the  way,  they  had  to  drive 
through  bridgeless  brooks ;  and  one  of  these  was  not 
half-a-mile  distant  from  the  inn. 

It  happened  that  the  mild  Mr.  Poletiss  was  seated  at 
the  tail  end  of  the  wagon,  next  to  the  fair  Miss  Morkin, 
who  was  laying  violent  siege  to  him,  with  a  battery  of 
words,  if  not  of  charms.  If  the  position  of  Mr.  Poletiss, 
as  to  deliverance  from  his  fair  foe,  was  a  difficult  one, 
his  position,  as  to  maintaining  his  seat  during  the  vio 
lent  throes  and  tossings  to  and  fro  of  the  wagon,  was 
even  more  difficult;  for  Mr.  Poletiss's  mildness  of  voice 
was  surpassed  by  his  mildness  of  manner,  and  he  was 
far  too  timid  to  grasp  at  the  side  of  the  wagon  by  pla 
cing  his  arm  behind  the  fair  Miss  Morkin,  lest  it  should 
be  supposed  that  he  was  assuming  the  privileged  posi- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   439 

tion  of  a  partner  in  a  valse.  Mr.  Poletiss,  therefore, 
whenever  they  jolted  through  ruts  or  brooks,  held  on 
to  his  hay  hassock,  and  preserved  his  equilibrium  as 
best  he  could. 

On  the  same  side  of  the  wagon,  but  at  its  upper  and 
safer  end,  was  seated  Mr.  Bouncer,  who  was  not  slow 
to  perceive  that  a  very  slight  accident   would  destroy 
Mr.   Poletiss's  equilibrium;    and   the  little   gentleman's 
fertile  brain  speedily  concocted  a  plan,  which  he  forth 
with  communicated  to  Miss  Fanny  Green,  who  sat  next 
to  him.     It  was  this :  —  that  when  they  were  plunging 
through  the  brook,  and  every  one  was  swaying  to  and 
fro,  and   was  thrown    off  their   balance,    Mr.    Bouncer 
should  take  advantage  of  the  critical  moment,  and  (by 
accident,  of  course  !  )  give  Miss  Fanny  Green  a  heavy 
push;  this  would  drive  her  against  her  next  neighbour, 
Miss  Patty  Honeywood ;   who,  from   the   recoil,  would 
literally  be  precipitated  into  the  arms  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  who  would  be  pushed  against  Miss  Letitia  Jane 
Morkin,  who  would  be   driven  against  her  sister,  who 
would  be  propelled  against  Mr.  Poletiss,  and  thus  give 
him  that  coup  de grace,  which,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  hoped, 
would  have  the  effect  of  quietly  tumbling  him  out  of 
the  wagon,   and   partially  ducking  him   in  the    brook. 
"It  won't  hurt  him,"  said  the  little   gentleman;   "it'll 
do  him  good.     The  brook  ain't  deep,  and  a  bath  will 
be  pleasant  such  a  day  as  this.     He  can  dry  his  clothes 
at  the  inn,  and  get  some  steaming  toddy,  if  he  's  afraid 
of  catching  cold.     And  it  will  be  such  a  lark  to  see  him 
in  the  water.     Perhaps  Miss  Morkin  will  take  a  header, 
and  plunge   in  to   save  him ;    and  he  will  promise  her 
his  hand,  and  a  medal  from  the  Humane  Society !     The 
wagon  will  be  sure  to  give  a  heavy  lurch  as  we  come  up 


440   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

out  of  the  brook,  and  what  so  natural  as  that  we  should 
all  be  jolted  against  each  other?  "  It  is  not  necessary 
to  state  whether  or  no  Miss  Fanny  Green  seconded  or 
opposed  Mr.  Bouncer's  motion ;  suffice  it  to  say  that 
it  was  carried  out. 

They  had  reached  the  brook.  Miss  Morkin  was 
exclaiming,  "  Oh,  dear!  here's  another  of  those  dread 
ful  brooks  —  the  last,  I  hope,  for  I  always  feel  so  timid 
at  water,  and  I  never  bathe  at  the  sea-side  without  shut 
ting  my  eyes  and  being  pushed  into  it  by  the  old  woman 
—  and,  my  goodness  !  here  we  are,  and  I  feel  convinced 
that  we  shall  all  be  thrown  in  by  those  dreadful  wagon 
ers,  who  are  quite  tipsy  I  'm  sure  —  don't  you  think  so, 
Mr.  Poletiss?" 

But,  ere  Mr.  Poletiss  could  meekly  respond,  the 
horses  had  been  quickened  into  a  trot,  the  wagon  had 
gone  down  into  the  brook  —  through  it  —  and  was  bound 
ing  up  the  opposite  side  —  everybody  was  holding 
tightly  to  anything  that  came  nearest  to  hand — when, 
at  that  fatal  moment,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  gave  the  pre 
concerted  push,  which  was  passed  on,  unpremeditatedly, 
from  one  to  another,  until  it  had  gained  its  electrical 
climax  in  the  person  of  Miss  Morkin,  who,  with  a  shrieks 
was  propelled  against  Mr.  Poletiss,  and  gave  the  neces 
sary  momentum  that  toppled  him  from  the  wagon  into 
the  brook.  But,  dreadful  to  relate,  Mr.  Bouncer's  prac 
tical  joke  did  not  terminate  at  this  fixed  point.  Mr. 
Poletiss,  in  the  suddenness  of  his  fall  naturally  struck 
out  at  any  straw  that  might  save  him;  and  the  straw 
that  he  caught  was  the  dress  of  Miss  Morkin.  She 
being  at  that  moment  off  her  balance,  and  the  wagon 
moving  rapidly  at  an  angle  of  45°,  was  unable  to  save 
herself  from  following  the  example  of  Mr.  Poletiss,  and 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   441 

she  also  toppled  over  into  the  brook.  A  third  victim 
would  have  been  added  to  Mr.  Bouncer's  list,  had  not 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  with  considerable  presence  of  mind, 
plucked  Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin  from  the  violent  hands 
that  her  sister  was  laying  upon  her,  in  making  the  same 
endeavours  after  safety  that  had  been  so  futilely  employed 
by  the  luckless  Mr.  Poletiss. 

No  sooner  had  he  fallen  with  a  splash  into  the  brook, 
than  Miss  Eleonora  Morkin  was  not  only  after  but  upon 
him.     This  was  so   far  fortunate   for  the  lady,   that   it 
released  her  with  only  a  partial  wetting,  and  she  speed 
ily  rolled  from  off  her  submerged  companion  on  to  the 
shore;   but  it  rendered  the  ducking  of  Mr.   Poletiss  a 
more  complete  one,  and  he  scrambled  from  the  brook, 
dripping  and  heavy  with  wet,  like  an  old  ewe  emerging 
from    a   sheep-shearing    tank.     The    wagon    had    been 
immediately  stopped,  and  Mr.  Bouncer  and  the  other 
gentlemen  had  at  once  sprung  down  to  Miss  Morkin's 
assistance.     Being  thus    surrounded   by   a    male  body 
guard,  the  young  lady  could  do  no  less   than  go   into 
hysterics,   and   fall   into   the  nearest  gentleman's  arms, 
and  as  this  gentleman  was  little  Mr.  Bouncer  he  was 
partially  punished   for   his   practical  joke.     Indeed,   he 
afterwards  declared  that  a  severe  cold  which  troubled 
him  for  the  next  fortnight  was  attributable  to  his  having 
held  in  his  arms  the  damp  form  of  the  dishevelled  naiad. 
On  her  recovery —  which  was  effected  by  Mr.  Bouncer 
giving  'way  under  his  burden,   and  lowering   it  to    the 
ground  —she  utterly  refused  to  be  again  carried  in  the 
wagon;   and,    as  walking  was   perhaps    better   for   her 
under  the    circumstances,    she    and    Mr.    Poletiss  were 
escorted  in  procession  to  the  inn  hard  by,  where  dry 
changes  of  costume  were  provided  for  them  by  the  land 
lord  and  his  fair  daughter. 


442   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

As  this  little  misadventure  was  believed  by  all,  save 
the  privileged  few,  to  have  been  purely  the  result  of 
accident,  it  was  not  permitted,  so  Mr.  Bouncer  said,  to 
do  as  Miss  Morkin  had  done  by  him — throw  a  damp 
upon  the  party;  and  as  the  couple  who  had  taken  a 
watery  bath  met  with  great  sympathy,  they  had  no  rea- 


son  to  complain  of  the  incident.  Especially  had  the 
fair  Miss  Morkin  cause  to  rejoice  therein,  for  the  mild 
Mr.  Poletiss  had  to  make  her  so  many  apologies  for 
having  been  the  innocent  cause  of  her  fall,  and,  as  a 
reparation,  felt  bound  to  so  particularly  devote  himself 
to  her  for  the  remainder  of  the  evening,  that  Miss 
Morkin  was  in  the  highest  state  of  feminine  gratification, 
and  observed  to  her  sister,  when  they  were  preparing 
themselves  for  rest,  "  I  am  quite  sure,  Letitia  Jane, 
that  the  gipsy  woman  spoke  the  truth,  and  could  read 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  443 

the  stars  and  whatdyecallems  as  easy  as  a  b  c.  She 
told  me  that  I  should  be  married  to  a  man  with  light 
whiskers  and  a  soft  voice,  and  that  he  would  come  to 
me  from  over  the  water ;  and  it's  quite  evident  that  she 
referred  to  Mr.  Poletiss  and  his  falling  into  the  brook ; 
and  I'm  sure  if  he'd  have  had  a  proper  opportunity  he'd 
have  said  something  definite  to-night."  So  Miss  Eleo- 
nora  Morkin  laid  her  head  upon  her  pillow,  and  dreamt 


of  bride-cake  and  wedding-favours.  Perhaps  another 
young  lady  under  the  same  roof  was  dreaming  the  same 
thing ! 

A  ball  at  Honeywood  Hall  terminated  the  pleasures 
of  the  day.  The  guests  had  brought  with  them  a  change 
of  garments,  and  were  therefore  enabled  to  make  their 
reappearance  in  evening  costume.  This  quiet  interval 
for  dressing  was  the  first  moment  that  Verdant  could 
secure  for  sitting  down  by  himself  to  think  over  the 
events  of  the  day.  As  yet  the  time  was  too  early  for 
him  to  reflect  calmly  on  the  step  he  had  taken.  His 


444  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

brain  was  In  that  kind  of  delicious  stupor  which  we 
experience  when,  having  been  aroused  from  sleep,  we 
again  shut  our  eyes  for  a  moment's  doze.  Past,  present, 
and  future  were  agreeably  mingled  in  his  fancies.  One 
thought  quickly  followed  upon  another;  there  was  no 
dwelling  upon  one  special  point,  but  a  succession  of 
crowding  feelings  chased  rapidly  through  his  mind,  all 
pervaded  by  that  sunny  hue  that  shines  out  from  the 
knowledge  of  love  returned. 

He  could  not  rest  until  he  had  told  his  sister  Mary, 
and  made  her  a  sharer  in  his  happiness.  He  found 
her  just  without  the  door,  strolling  up  and  down  the 
drive  with  Charles  Larkyns,  so  he  joined  them;  and, 
as  they  walked  in  the  pleasant  cool  of  the  evening  down 
a  shady  walk,  he  stammered  out  to  them,  with  many 
blushes,  that  Patty  Honeywood  had  promised  to  be  his 
wife. 

"  Cousin  Patty  is  the  very  girl  for  you  !  "  said  Charles 
Larkyns,  "  the  very  best  choice  you  could  have  made. 
She  will  trim  you  up  and  keep  you  tight,  as  old  Tennyson 
hath  it.  For  what  says  '  the  fat-faced  curate  Edward 

Bull?' 

" '  I  take  it,  God  made  the  woman  for  the  man 
And  for  the  good  and  increase  of  the  world. 
A  pretty  face  is  well,  and  this  is  well, 
To  have  a  dame  indoors,  that  trims  us  up 
And  keeps  us  tight.' 

"Verdant,  you  are  a  lucky  fellow  to  have  won  the 
love  of  such  a  good  and  honest-hearted  girl,  and  if  there 
is  any  room  left  to  mould  you  into  a  better  fellow  than 
what  you  are,  Miss  Patty  is  the  very  one  for  the 
modeller/' 

At  the  same  time  that  he  was  thus  being  congratu- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  445 

lated  on  his  good  fortune  and  happy  prospects,  Miss 
Patty  was  making  a  similar  confession  to  her  mother 
and  sister,  and  receiving  the  like  good  wishes.  And  it 
is  probable  that  Mrs.  Honeywood  made  no  delay  in 
communicating  this  piece  of  family  news  to  her  liege 
lord  and  master;  for  when,  half  an  hour  afterwards,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  had  screwed  up  his  courage  sufficiently 
to  enable  him  to  request  a  private  interview  with  Mr. 
Honeywood  in  the  library,  the  Squire  most  humanely 
relieved  him  from  a  large  load  of  embarrassment,  and 
checked  the  hems  and  hums  and  haws  that  our  hero 
was  letting  off  like  squibs,  to  enliven  his  conversation, 
by  saying,  "  I  think  I  guess  the  nature  of  your  errand 
—  to  ask  my  consent  to  your  engagement  with  my 
daughter  Martha?  Am  I  right?" 

And  so,  by  this  grateful  helping  of  a  very  lame  dog 
over  a  very  difficult  stile,  the  diplomatic  relations  and 
circumlocutions  that  are  usually  observed  at  horrible 
interviews  of  this  description  were  altogether  avoided, 
and  the  business  was  speedily  brought  to  a  satisfactory 
termination. 

When  Mr.  Verdant  Green  issued  from  the  library,  he 
felt  himself  at  least  ten  years  older  and  a  much  more 
important  person  than  when  he  had  entered  it,  so 
greatly  is  our  bump  of  self-esteem  increased  by  the 
knowledge  that  there  is  a  being  in  existence  who  holds 
us  dearer  than  aught  else  in  the  whole  wide  world. 
But  not  even  a  misogynist  would  have  dared  to  assert 
that,  in  the  present  instance,  love  was  but  an  excess  of 
self-love ;  for  if  ever  there  was  a  true  attachment  that 
honestly  sprang  from  the  purest  feelings  of  the  heart,  it 
was  that  which  existed  between  Miss  Patty  Honeywood 
and  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 


446  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

What  need  to  dwell  further  on  the  daily  events  of 
that  happy  time?  What  need  to  tell  how  the  several 
engagements  of  the  two  Miss  Honeywoods  were  made 
known,  and  how,  with  Miss  Mary  Green  and  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns,  there  were  thus  three  bond  fide  "  engaged 
couples  "  in  the  house  at  the  same  time,  to  say  nothing 
of  what  looked  like  an  embryo  engagement  between 
Miss  Fanny  Green  and  Mr.  Bouncer?  But  if  this  last- 
named  attachment  should  come  to  anything,  it  would 
probably  be  owing  to  the  severe  aggravation  which  the 
little  gentleman  felt  on  continually  finding  himself  de 
trop  at  some  scene  of  tender  sentiment. 

If,   for  example,   he  entered  the  library,   its  tenants, 
perhaps,  would  be  Verdant  and  Patty,  who  would  be 
discovered,  with  agitated  expressions,  standing  or  sitting 
at   intervals  of  three  yards,    thereby  endeavouring   to 
convey  to  the  spectator  the  idea  that  those  positions  had 
been  relatively  maintained  by  them  up  to  the   moment 
of  his  entering  the  room,  an  idea  which  the  spectator 
invariably   rejected.      When    Mr.   Bouncer  had    retired 
with  figurative  Eastern  apologies  from  the  library,  he 
would  perhaps  'enter  the   drawing-room,  there  to   find 
that  Frederick  Delaval  and  Miss  Kitty  Honeywood  had 
sprung  into  remote  positions  (as  certain  bodies  rebound 
upon  contact),  and  were  regarding  him  as  an  unwelcome 
intruder.     Thence,  with  more  apologies,  he  would  be 
take  himself  to   the   breakfast-room,  to   see    what  was 
going  on  in  that  quarter,   and  there  he  would  flush  a 
third  brace  of  betrotheds,  a  proceeding  that  was  not 
much  sport  to  either  party.     It  could  hardly  be  a  matter 
of  surprise,  therefore,  if  Mr.  Bouncer   should  be  seized 
with  the  prevailing   epidemic,   and,   from    the    circum 
stances  of  his  position,  should  be  driven  more  than  he 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   447 

might  otherwise  have  been  into  Miss  Fanny  Green's 
society.  And  though  the  little  gentleman  had  no 
serious  intentions  in  all  this,  yet  it  seemed  highly 
probable  that  something  might  come  of  it,  and  that  Mr. 
Alfred  Brindle  (whose  attentions  at  the  Christmas 
charade-party  at  the  Manor  Green  had  been  of  so 
marked  a  character)  would  have  to  resign  his  pre 
tensions  to  Miss  Fanny  Green's  hand  in  favour  of  Mr. 
Henry  Bouncer. 

But  it  is  needless  to  describe  the  daily  lives  of  these 
betrothed  couples  —  how  they  rode,  and  sketched,  and 
walked,  and  talked,  and  drove,  and  fished,  and  shot,  and 
visited,  and  pic-nic'd —  how  they  went  out  to  sea  in 
Frederick  Delaval's  yacht,  and  were  overtaken  by  rough 
weather,  and  became  so  unromantically  ill  that  they 
prayed  to  be  put  on  shore  again  —  how,  on  a  chosen  day, 
when  the  sea  was  as  calm  as  a  duckpond,  they  sailed 
from  Bamborough  to  the  Longstone,  and  nevertheless 
took  provisions  with  them  for  three  days,  because,  if 
storms  should  arise,  they  might  have  found  it  impossible 
to  put  back  from  the  island  to  the  shore  ;  but  how,  never 
theless,  they  were  altogether  fortunate,  and  had  not  to 
lengthen  out  their  pic-nic  to  such  an  uncomfortable 
extent  —  and  how  they  went  over  the  Lighthouse,  and 
talked  about  the  brave  and  gentle  Grace  Darling;  and 
how  that  handsome,  grey-headed  old  man,  her  father, 
showed  them  the  presents  that  had  been  sent  to  his 
daughter  by  Queen,  and  Lords,  and  Commons,  in  token 
of  her  deed  of  daring;  and  how  he  was  garrulous 
about  them  and  her,  with  the  pardonable  pride  of  a 

"  fond  old  man, 
Fourscore  and  upward," 

who   had   been  the   father   of  such  a  daughter.     It  is 
29 


448  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

needless  to  detail  all  this ;  let  us  rather  pass  to  the 
evening  of  the  day  preceding  that  which  should  see  the 
group  of  visitors  on  their  way  back  to  Warwickshire. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Miss  Patty  Honey  wood  have 
been  taking  a  farewell  after-dinner  stroll  in  the  garden, 
and  have  now  wandered  into  the  deserted  breakfast- 
room,  under  the  pretence  of  finding  a  water-colour 
drawing  of  Honeywood  Hall,  that  the  young  lady  had 
made  for  our  hero. 

"Now,  you  must  promise  me,"  she  said  to  him, 
"that  you  will  take  it  to  Oxford." 

"Certainly,  if  I  go  there  again.      But  — 

"But,  sir!  but  I  thought  you  had  promised  to  give 
up  to  me  on  that  point.  You  naughty  boy!  if  you 
already  break  your  promises  in  this  way,  who  knows 
but  what  you  will  forget  your  promise  to  remember 
me  when  you  have  gone  away  from  here?" 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  here  did  what  is  usual  in  such 
cases.  He  kissed  the  young  lady,  and  said,  "  You 
silly  little  woman!  as  though  I  could  forget  you!"  et 
cetera,  et  cetera. 

"Ah!  I  don't  know,"  said  Miss  Patty. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  repeated  the  kiss  and  the  et 
ceteras. 

"Very  well,  then,  I  '11  believe  you,"  at  length  said 
Miss  Patty.  "But  I  won't  love  you  one  bit  unless 
you'll  faithfully  promise  that  you  will  go  back  to 
Oxford.  Whatever  would  be  the  use  of  your  giving 
up  your  studies  ?  " 

"A  great  deal  of  use  ;  we  could  be  married  at  once." 

"Oh  no,  we  couldn't.  Papa  is  quite  firm  on  this 
point.  You  know  that  he  thinks  us  much  too  young 
to  be  married." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  449 

"But,"  pleaded  our  hero,  "if  we  are  old  enough  to 
fall  in  love,  surely  we  must  be  old  enough  to  be 
married." 

"Oxford  logic  again,  I  suppose,"  laughed  Miss 
Patty,  "but  it  won't  persuade  papa,  nevertheless.  I 
am  not  quite  nineteen,  you  know,  and  papa  has  always 
said  that  I  should  never  be  married  until  I  was  one- 
and-twenty.  By  that  time  you  will  have  done  with 
college  and  taken  your  degree,  and  I  should  so  like  to 
know  that  you  have  passed  all  your  examinations,  and 
are  a  Bachelor  of  Arts." 

"But,"  said  Verdant,  "I  don't  think  I  shall  be  able 
to  pass.  Examinations  are  very  nervous  affairs,  and 
suppose  I  should  be  plucked.  You  would  n't  like  to 
marry  a  man  who  had  disgraced  himself." 

"Do  you  see  that  picture?"  asked  Miss  Patty;  and 
she  directed  Verdant's  attention  to  a  small  but  exqui 
site  oil-painting  by  Maclise.  It  was  in  illustration  of 
one  of  Moore's  melodies,  "Come,  rest  in  this  bosom, 
my  own  stricken  deer!"  The  lover  had  fallen  upon 
one  knee  at  his  mistress's  feet,  and  was  locked  in  her 
embrace.  With  a  look  of  fondest  love  she  had  pil 
lowed  his  head  upon  her  bosom,  as  if  to  assure  him, 
"  Though  the  herd  have  all  left  thee,  thy  home  it  is 
here." 

"  Do  you  see  that  picture  ?  "  asked  Miss  Patty.  "  I 
would  do  as  she  did.  If  all  others  rejected  you  yet 
would  I  never.  You  would  still  find  your  home  here," 
and  she  nestled  fondly  to  his  side. 

"But,"  she  said,  after  one  of  those  delightful  pauses 
which  lovers  know  so  well  how  to  fill  up,  "you  must 
not  conjure  up  such  silly  fancies.  Charles  has  often 
told  me  how  easily  you  passed  your  —  Little-go,  is  n't 


450  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

it  called?  —  and  he  says  you  will  have  no  trouble  in 
obtaining  your  degree." 


"But  two  years  is  such  a  tremendous  time  to  wait," 
urged  our  hero,  who,  like  all  lovers,  was  anxious  to 
crown  his  happiness  without  much  delay. 

"If  you  are  resolved  to  think  it  long,"  said  Miss 
Patty;  "but  it  will  enable  you  to  tell  whether  you 
really  like  me.  You  might,  you  know,  marry  in 
haste,  and  then  have  to  repent  at  leisure." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   451 

And  the  end  of  this  conversation  was,  that  the  fair 
special  pleader  gained  her  cause,  and  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  consented  to  return  to  Oxford;  and  not  to  dream 
of  marriage  until  two  years  had  passed  over  his  head. 

The  next  night  he  slept  at  the  Manor  Green, 
Warwickshire. 


452   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER   X. 


MR.    VERDANT    GREEN    IS    MADE    A    MASON. 


R.    VERDANT     GREEN    and 
Mr.   Bouncer  were    once   more 
in    Oxford,    and    on    a   certain 
morning   had   turned   into   the 
coffee-room  of  "The  Mitre"  to  "do 
bitters/'   as  Mr.   Bouncer  phrased  the 
act  of  drinking  bitter  beer,  when  said 
the  little  gentleman,  as  he  dangled  his 
legs  from  a  table, 

"Gig-lamps,  old  feller!  you  ain't  a 
mason." 

"A  mason!  of  course  not." 
"  And  why  do  you  say  '  of  course  not '  ?  " 
"Why,  what  would  be  the  use  of  it? " 
"That's  what  parties  always  say,  my  tulip.      Be  a 
mason,  and  then  you  '11  soon  see  the  use  of  it." 
"  But  I  am  independent  of  trade. " 
"Trade?     Oh,  I  twig.      My  gum,  Gig-lamps!  you  '11 
be  the  death  of  me  some  fine  day.     I  did  n't  mean  a 
mason  with  a  hod  of  mortar;    he'd  be  a  hod-fellow, 
don't  you  see? — there's  a  fine  old  crusted  joke  for 
you  • —  I  meant  a  mason  with  a  petticut,  a  freemason." 
"Oh,    a  freemason.     Well,    I  really  don't   seem   to 
care   much  about  being  one.     As  far  as   I  can  see, 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   453 

there  's  a  great  deal  of  mystery  and  very  little  use  in 

it." 

"Oh,  that 's  because  you  know  nothing  about  it.  If 
you  were  a  mason  you  'd  soon  see  the  use  of  it.  For 
one  thing,  when  you  go  abroad  you  'd  find  it  no  end  of 
a  help  to  you.  If  you'll  stand  another  tankard  of 
beer  I '11  tell  you  an  apropos  tale." 

So  when  a  fresh  supply  of  the  bitter  beverage  had 
been  ordered  and  brought,  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  perched 


upon  the  table,   and  dangling  his  legs,   discoursed  as 
follows:  — 

"Last  Long,  Billy  Blades  went  on  to  the  continent, 
and  in  the  course  of  his  wanderings  he  came  across 
some  gentlemen  who  turned  out  to  be  bandits,  although 
they  weren't  dressed  in  tall  hats  and  ribbons,  and 
scarves,  and  watches,  and  velvet  sit-upons,  like  you 
see  them  in  pictures  and  at  theatres;  but  they  were 


454   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

rough  customers  for  all  that,  and  they  laid  hands  upon 
Master  Billy,  and  politely  asked  him  lor  his  money  or 
his  life.  Billy  wasn't  inclined  to  give  them  either, 
but  he  was  all  alone,  with  nothing  but  his  knapsack 
and  a  stick,  for  it  was  a  frequented  road,  and  he  had 
no  idea  that  there  were  such  things  as  banditti  in 
existence.  Well,  as  you  're  aware,  Gig-lamps,  Billy  's 
a  modern  Hercules,  with  an  unusual  development  of 
biceps,  and  he  not  only  sent  out  left  and  right,  and 
gave  them  a  touch  of  Hammer  Lane  and  the  Putney 
Pet  combined,  but  he  also  applied  his  shoemaker  to 
another  gentleman's  tailor  with  considerable  effect. 
However,  this  didn't  get  him  kudos,  or  mend  matters 
one  bit;  and,  after  being  knocked  about  much  more 
than  was  agreeable  to  his  feelings,  he  was  forced  to 
yield  to  superior  numbers.  They  gagged  and  blind 
folded  him,  formed  him  into  a  procession,  and  marched 
riim  off;  and  when  in  about  half-an-hour  they  again 
let  him  have  the  use  of  his  eyes  and  tongue,  he  found 
himself  in  a  rude  hut,  with  his  banditti  friends  around 
him.  They  had  pistols,  and  poniards,  and  long  knives, 
with  which  they  made  threatening  demonstrations. 
They  had  cut  open  his  knapsack  and  tumbled  out  its 
contents,  but  not  a  sou  could  they  find;  for  Billy,  I 
should  have  told  you,  had  left  the  place  where  he  was 
staying,  for  a  few  days'  walking  tour,  and  he  had  only 
taken  what  little  money  he  required ;  of  this  he  had 
one  or  two  pieces  left,  which  he  gave  them.  But  it 
wouldn't  satisfy  the  beggars,  and  they  signified  to 
him  —  for  you  see,  Gig-lamps,  Billy  didn't  understand 
a  quarter  of  their  lingo  —  that  he  must  fork  out  with 
his  tin  unless  he  wished  to  be  forked  into  with  their 
steel.  Pleasant  position,  wasn't  it?" 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   455 

"  Extremely. " 

"Well,  they  searched  him,  and  when  they  found 
that  they  really  couldn't  get  anything  more  out  of 
him,  they  made  him  understand  that  he  must  write  to 
some  one  for  a  ransom,  and  that  he  wouldn't  be 
released  until  the  money  came.  Pleasant  again, 
wasn't  it?" 

"Excessively.  But  what  has  all  this  to  do  with 
freemasonry? " 

"Gig-lamps,   you're  as  bad  as  a  girl  who  peeps  at 
the  end  of  a  novel  before  she  begins  to  read  it.     Drink 
your  beer,   and  let  me  tell  my  tale  in  my  own  way. 
Well,  now  we  come  to  volume  the  third,  chapter  the 
last.  '  Master  Billy  found  that  there  was  nothing  for  it 
but  to  obey  orders,  so  he  sent  off  a  note  to  his  banker, 
stating  his  requirements.      As   soon   as   this   business 
was  transacted,   the  amiable  bandits  turned   to  plea 
sure,    and  produced   a  bottle  of  wine,   of  which  they 
politely  asked  Billy  to  partake.      He  thought  at  first 
that  it  might  be  poison,  and  he  wasn't  very  far  wrong, 
for  it  was  most  villanous  stuff.      However,  the  other 
fellows  took  to  it  kindly,  and  got  more  amiable  than 
ever  over  it ;  so  much  so  that  they  offered  Billy  one  of 
his  own  weeds,  and  they  all  got  very  jolly,  and  were 
as  thick  as  thieves.      Billy  made  himself  so  much  at 
home  — he's  a  beggar  that  can  always  adapt  himself 
to  circumstances  —  that  at   last  the  chief  bandit  pro 
posed  his  health,  and  then  they  all  shook  hands  with 
him.     Well,  now  comes  the  moral  of  my  story.     When 
the  captain  of  the  bandits  was  drinking  Billy's  health 
in  this  flipper-shaking  way,  it  all  at  once  occurred  to 
Billy  to  give  him  the  masonic  grip.      I  must  not  tell 
you  what  it  was,  but  he  gave  it,  and,  lo  and  behold ! 


456   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

the  bandit  returned  it.  Both  Billy  and  the  bandit 
opened  their  eyes  pretty  considerably  at  this.  The 
bandit  also  opened  his  arms  and  embraced  his  captive; 
and  the  long  and  short  of  it  was  that  he  begged  Billy's 
pardon  for  the  trouble  and  delay  they  had  caused  him, 
returned  him  his  money  and  knapsack,  and  all  the 
weeds  that  were  not  smoked,  set  aside  the  ransom,  and 
escorted  him  back  to  the  high  road,  guaranteeing  him 
a  free  and  unmolested  passage  if  he  should  come  that 
way  again.  And  all  this  because  Billy  was  a  mason; 
so  you  see,  Gig-lamps,  what  use  it  is  to  a  feller. 
But,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  ended  his  tale,  "talk 
ing  's  monstrously  dry  work.  So,  I  looks  towards  you, 
Gig-lamps!  to  which,  if  you  wish  to  do  the  correct 
thing,  you  should  reply  '  I  likewise  bows ! '  "  And, 
little  Mr.  Bouncer,  winking  affably  to  his  friend,  raised 
the  silver  tankard  to  his  lips,  and  kept  it  there  for  the 
space  of  ten  seconds. 

"I  suppose,"  said  Verdant,  "that  the  real  moral  of 
your  story  is,  that  I  must  become  a  freemason,  because 
I  might  travel  abroad  and  be  attacked  by  a  scamp  who 
was  also  a  freemason.  Now,  I  think  I  had  better 
decline  joining  a  society  that  numbers  banditti  among 
its  members." 

"Oh,  but  that  was  an  exceptional  case.  I  dare  say, 
if  the  truth  was  known,  Billy's  friend  had  once  been 
a  highly  respectable  party,  and  had  paid  his  water-rate 
and  income-tax  like  any  other  civilised  being.  But 
all  masons  are  not  like  Billy's  friend,  and  the  more 
you  know  of  them  the  more  you'll  thank  me  for  hav 
ing  advised  you  to  join  them.  But  it  isn't  altogether 
that.  Every  Oxford  man  who  is  really  a  man  is  a 
mason,  and  that,  Gig-lamps,  is  quite  a  sufficient  reason 
why  you  should  be  one. " 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   457 

So  Verdant  said,  Very  well,  he  had  no  objection; 
and  little  Mr.  Bouncer  promised  to  arrange  the 
necessary  preliminaries.  What  these  were  will  be 
seen  if  we  advance  the  progress  of  events  a  few  days 
later. 

Messrs.  Bouncer,  Blades,  Foote,  and  Flexible 
Shanks  —  who  were  all  masons,  and  could  affix  to  their 
names  more  letters  than  members  of  far  more  learned 
societies  could  do  —  had  undertaken  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  initiation  into  the  mysteries  of  the  craft 
should  be  altogether  a  private  one.  Verdant  felt  that 
this  was  exceedingly  kind  of  them ;  for,  if  it  must  be 
confessed,  he  had  adopted  the  popular  idea  that  the 
admission  of  members  was  in  some  way  or  other  con 
nected  with  the  free  use  of  a  red-hot  poker,  and  though 
he  was  reluctant  to  breathe  his  fears  on  this  point,  yet 
he  looked  forward  to  the  ceremony  with  no  little 
dread.  He  was  therefore  immensely  relieved  when 
he  found  that,  by  the  kindness  of  his  friends,  his  in 
itiation  would  not  take  place  in  the  presence  of 
the  assembled  members  of  the  Lodge. 

For  a  week  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  benevolently 
left  to  ponder  and  speculate  on  the  ceremonial  horrors 
that  would  attend  his  introduction  to  the  mysteries  of 
freemasonry,  and  by  the  appointed  day  he  had  worked 
himself  into  such  a  state  of  nervous  excitement  that 
he  was  burning  more  with  the  fever  of  apprehension 
than  that  of  curiosity.  There  was  no  help  for  him, 
however;  he  had  promised  to  go  through  the  ordeal, 
whatever  it  might  be,  and  he  had  no  desire  to  be 
laughed  at  for  having  abandoned  his  purpose  through 
fear. 

The  Lodge  of  Cemented  Bricks,  of  which  Messrs. 


458  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

Bouncer  and  Co.  had  promised  to  make  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  a  member,  occupied  spacious  rooms  in  a  certain 
large  house  in  a  certain  small  street  not  a  hundred 
miles  from  the  High  Street.  The  ascent  to  the  Lodge- 
room,  which  was  at  the  top  of  the  house,  was  by  a 
rather  formidable  flight  of  stairs,'  up  which  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  tremblingly  climbed,  attended  by  Mr. 
Bouncer  as  his  fidus  Achates.  The  little  gentleman, 
in  that  figurative  Oriental  language  to  which  he  was 
so  partial,  considerately  advised  his  friend  to  keep  up 
his  pecker  and  never  say  die;  but  his  exhortation  of 
"Now,  don't  you  be  frightened,  Gig-lamps,  we  shan't 
hurt  you  more  than  we  can  help,"  only  increased  the 
anguish  of  our  hero's  sensations;  and  when  at  the  last 
he  found  himself  at  the  top  of  the  stairs,  and  before  a 
door  which  was  guarded  by  Mr.  Foote,  who  held  a 
drawn  sword,  and  was  dressed  in  unusually  full  masonic 
costume,  and  looked  stern  and  unearthly  in  the  dusky 
gloom,  he  turned  back,  and  would  have  made  his 
escape  had  he  not  been  prevented  by  Mr.  "  Foote- 
lights'  "  naked  weapon.  Mr.  Bouncer  had  previously 
cautioned  him  that  he  must  not  in  any  way  evince  a 
recognition  of  his  friends  until  the  ceremonies  of  the 
initiation  were  completed,  and  that  the  infringement 
of  this  command  would  lead  to  his  total  expulsion 
from  his  friends'  society.  Mr.  Bouncer  had  also  told 
him  that  he  must  not  be  surprised  at  anything  that  he 
might  see  or  hear;  which,  under  the  circumstances, 
was  very  seasonable  as  well  as  sensible  advice.  Mr. 
Verdant  Green,  therefore,  submitted  to  his  fate,  aild 
to  Mr.  Footelights'  drawn  sword. 

"The  first  step,  Gig-lamps, "  whispered  Mr.  Bouncer, 
"is  the  blindfolding;  the  next  is  the  challenge,  which 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   459 

is  in  Coptic,  the  original  language,  you  know,  of  the 
members  of  the  first  Lodge  of  Cemented  Bricks. 
Swordbearer  and  Deputy  Past  Pantile  Foote  will  do 
this  for  you.  I  must  go  and  put  my  things  on. 
Remember,  you  mustn't  recognise  me  when  you  come 
into  the  Lodge.  Adoo,  Samiwel!  keep  your  pecker 
up."  Mr.  Verdant  Green  wrung  his  friend's  hand, 
pocketed  his  spectacles,  and  submitted  to  be  blind 
folded. 

Mr.  Footelights  then  took  him  by  the  hand,  and 
knocked  three  times  at  the  door.  A  voice,  which 
Verdant  recognised  as  that  of  Mr.  Blades,  inquired, 
"Kilaricum  luricum  tweedlecum  twee?" 

To  which  Mr.  Footelights  replied,  "Astrakansa 
siphonia  bostrukizon ! "  and  laid  the  cold  steel  blade 
against  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  cheek  in  a  way  which 
made  that  gentleman  shiver. 

Mr.  Blades'  voice  then  said,  "  Swordbearer  and 
Deputy  Past  Pantile,  pass  in  the  neophyte  who  seeks 
to  be  a  Cemented  Brick;  "  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was 
thereupon  guided  into  the  room. 

"Gropelos  toldery  loll  remove  the  handkerchief," 
said  the  voice  of  Mr.  Blades. 

The  glare  from  numerous  wax-lights,  reflected  as  it 
was  from  polished  gold,  silver,  and  marble,  affected 
Mr.  Verdant  Green's  bandaged  eyes,  and  prevented 
him  for  a  time  from  seeing  anything  distinctly,  but 
on  Mr.  Foote  motioning  to  him  that  he  might  resume 
his  spectacles,  he  was  soon  enabled  by  their  aid  to 
survey  the  scene.  Around  him  stood  Mr.  Bouncer, 
Mr.  Blades,  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  and  Mr.  Foote. 
Each  held  a  drawn  and  gleaming  sword;  each  wore 
aprons,  scarves,  or  mantles ;  each  was  decorated  with 


460   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

mystic  masonic  jewellery;  each  was  silent  and  pre- 
ternaturally  serious.  The  room  was  large  and  was  fur 
nished  with  the  greatest  splendour,  but  its  contents 
seemed  strange  and  mysterious  to  our  hero's  eyes. 

"  Advance  the  neophyte !  Oodiny  dulipy  sing!  "  said 
Mr.  Blades,  who  walked  to  the  other  end  of  the  room, 
stepped  upon  a  dais,  ascended  his  throne,  and  laid 
aside  the  sword  for  a  sceptre.  Mr.  Foote  and  Mr. 
Flexible  Shanks  then  took  Mr.  Verdant  Green  by 
either  shoulder,  and  escorted  him  up  the  room  with 
their  drawn  swords  turned  towards  him,  while  Mr. 
Bouncer  followed,  and  playfully  prodded  him  in  the 
rear. 

In  the  front  of  Mr.  Blades'  throne  there  was  a  spe 
cies  of  altar,  of  which  the  chief  ornaments  were  a  large 
sword,  a  skull  and  cross-bones,  illuminated  by  a  great 
wax  light  placed  in  a  tall  silver  candlestick.  Silver 
globes  and  pillars  stood  upon  the  dais  on  either  side 
of  the  throne;  and  luxuriously-velveted  chairs  and 
rows  of  seats  were  ranged  around.  Before  the  altar- 
like  erection  a  small  funereal  black  and  white  carpet 
was  spread  upon  the  black  and  white  lozenged  floor; 
and  on  this  carpet  were  arranged  the  following  arti 
cles  :  —  a  money  chest,  a  ballot  box  (very  like  Miss 
Bouncer's  Camera),  two  pairs  of  swords,  three  little 
mallets,  and  a  skull  and  cross-bones  —  the  display  of 
which  emblems  of  mortality  confirmed  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  in  his  previously-formed  opinion,  that  the 
Lodge-room  was  a  veritable  chamber  of  horrors,  and 
he  would  willingly  have  preferred  a  visit  to  that 
"lodge  in  some  vast  wilderness,"  for  which  the  poet 
sighed,  and  to  have  foregone  all  those  promised  bene 
fits  that  were  to  be  derived  from  Freemasonry. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN   461 

But  wishing  could  not  save  him.  He  had  no  sooner 
arrived  in  front  of  the  skull  and  cross-bones  than  the 
procession  halted,  and  Mr.  Blades,  rising  from  his 
throne,  said,  "  Let  the  Sword-bearer  and  Deputy  Past 
Pantile,  together  with  the  Provincial  Grand  Mortar 
board,  do  their  duty!  Ramohun  roy  azalea  tong! 
Produce  the  poker!  Past  Grand  Hodman,  remain  on 
guard!  " 

Mr.  Foote  and  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks  removed  their 
hands  and  swords  from  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  and  walked 
solemnly  down  the  room,  leaving  little  Mr.  Bouncer 
standing  beside  our  hero,  and  holding  the  drawn 
sword  above  his  head.  Mr.  Foote  and  Mr.  Flexible 
Shanks  returned,  escorting  between  them  the  poker. 
It  was  cold!  that  was  a  relief.  But  how  long  was  it  to 
remain  so  ? 

"  Past  Grand  Hodman !  "  said  Mr.  Blades,  "  instruct 
the  neophyte  in  the  primary  proceedings  of  the 
Cemented  Bricks." 

At  Mr.  Bouncer's  bidding,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  then 
sat  down  upon  the  lozenged  floor,  and  held  his  knees 
with  his  hands.  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks  then  brought  to 
him  the  poker,  and  said,  "Tetrao  urogallus  orygometra 
crex ! '  The  poker  was  then,  by  the  assistance  of  Mr 
Foote,  placed  under  the  knees  and  over  the  arms  of 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  thus  sat  like  a  trussed  fowl, 
and  equally  helpless. 

"  Recite  to  the  neophyte  the  oath  of  the  Cemented 
Bricks !  "  said  Mr.  Blades. 

"  Ramphastidinae  toco  scolopendra  tinnunculus  crac- 
ticornis  bos!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks. 

"Do  you  swear  to  obey  through  fire  and  water,  and 
bricks  and  mortar,  the  words  of  this  oath?"  asked 
Mr.  Blades  from  his  throne. 


462  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"You  must  say,  I  do!"  whispered  Mr.  Bouncer  to 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  accordingly  muttered  the 
response. 

"  Let  the  oath  be  witnessed  and  registered  by 
Swordbearer  and  Deputy  Past  Pantile,  Provincial 
Grand  Mortar-board,  and  Past  Grand  Hodman ! "  said 


Mr.  Blades ;  and  the  three  gentlemen  thus  designated 
stood  on  either  side  of  and  behind  Mr.  Verdant  Green, 
and,  with  theatrical  gestures,  clashed  their  swords  over 
his  head. 

"Keemo  kimo  lingtum  nipcat!  let  him  rise,"  said 
Mr.  Blades;  and  the  poker  was  thereupon  withdrawn 
from  its  position,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  being  un- 
trussed,  but  somewhat  stiff  and  cramped,  was  assisted 
upon  his  legs. 

He  hoped  that  his  troubles  were  now  at  an  end;  but 
this  pleasing  delusion  was  speedily  dispelled,  by  Mr. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   463 

Blades  saying  —  "The  next  part  of  the  ceremonial  is 
the  delivery  of  the  red-hot  poker.  Let  the  poker  be 
heated ! " 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  went  chill  with  dread  as  he 
watched  the  terrible  instrument  borne  from  the  room 
by  Mr.  Foote  and  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  while  Mr. 
Bouncer  resumed  his  guard  over  him  with  the  drawn 
sword.  All  was  quiet  save  a  smothered  sound  from 
the  other  side  of  the  door,  which,  under  other  circum 
stances,  Verdant  would  have  taken  for  suppressed 
laughter;  but,  the  solemnity  of  the  proceedings 
repelled  the  idea. 

At  length  the  poker  was  brought  in,  red-hot  and 
smoking,  whereupon  Mr.  Blades  left  his  throne  and 
walked  to  the  other  end  of  the  room,  and  there  took 
his  seat  upon  a  second  throne,  before  which  was  a 
second  altar,  garnished  —  as  Mr.  Verdant  Green  soon 
perceived,  to  his  horror  and  amazement  —  with  a 
human  head  (or  the  representation  of  one)  projecting 
from  a  black  cloth  that  concealed  the  neck,  and, 
doubtless,  the  marks  of  decapitation.  Its  ghastly 
features  were  clearly  displayed  by  the  aid  of  a  wax 
light  placed  in  a  tall  silver  candlestick  by  its  side. 

Mr.  Blades  received  the  poker  from  Mr.  Foote,  and 
commanded  the  neophyte  to  advance.  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  did  so,  and  took  up  a  trembling  position  to  the 
left  of  the  throne,  while  Mr.  Foote  and  Mr.  Flexible 
Shanks  proceeded  to  the  organ,  which  was  to  the  right 
of  the  entrance  door.  Mr.  Blades  then  delivered  the 
poker  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  at  first,  imagined 
that  he  was  required  to  seize  it  by  its  red-hot  end,  but 
was  greatly  relieved  in  his  mind  when  he  found  that 
he  had  merely  to  take  it  by  the  handle,  and  repeat  (as 
30 


464  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

well  as  he  could)  a  form  of  gibberish  that  Mr.  Blades 
dictated.  Having  done  this  he  was  desired  to  transfer 
the  poker  to  the  Past  Grand  Hodman  — Mr.  Bouncer. 

He  had  just  come  to  the  joyful  conclusion  that  the 
much  dreaded  poker  portion  of  the  business  was  now 
at  an  end,  when  Mr.  Blades  ruthlessly  cast  a  dark 
cloud  over  his  gleam  of  happiness,  by  saying  —  "The 
next  part  of  the  ceremony  will  be  the  branding  with 
the  red-hot  poker.  Let  the  organist  call  in  the  aid  of 
music  to  drown  the  shrieks  of  the  victim  ! "  and,  there 
upon,  Mr.  Foote  struck  up  (with  the  full  swell  of  the 
organ)  a  heart-rending  air  that  sounded  like  "the  cries 
of  the  wounded  "  from  the  "  Battle  of  Prague." 

Now,  it  happened  that  little  Mr.  Bouncer  — like  his 
sister  — was  subject  to  uncontrollable  fits  of  laughter 
at  improper  seasons.  For  the  last  half-hour  he  had 
suffered  severely  from  the  torture  of  suppressed  mirth, 
and,  now,  as  he  saw  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  climax  of 
fright  at  the  anticipated  branding,  human  nature  could 
not  longer  bear  up  against  an  explosion  of  merriment, 
and  Mr.  Bouncer  burst  into  shouts  of  laughter,  and, 
with  convulsive  sobs,  flung  himself  upon  the  nearest 
seat.  His  example  was  contagious;  Mr.  Blades,  Mr, 
Foote,  and  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  one  after  another, 
joined  in  the  roar,  and  relieved  their  pent-up  feelings 
with  a  rush  of  uproarious  laughter. 

At  the  first  Mr.  Verdant  Green  looked  surprised, 
and  in  doubt  whether  or  no  this  was  but  a  part  of  the 
usual  proceedings  attendant  upon  the  initiation  of  a 
member  into  the  Lodge  of  Cemented  Bricks.  Then 
the  truth  dawned  upon  him,  and  he  blushed  up  to  his 
spectacles. 

"  Sold  again,  Gig-lamps ! "  shouted  little  Mr.  Boun- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   465 

cer.  "  I  did  n't  think  we  could  carry  out  the  joke  so 
far.  I  wonder  if  this  will  be  hoax  the  last  for  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  ? " 

"I  hope  so  indeed!"  replied  our  hero;  "for  I  have 
no  wish  to  continue  a  Freshman  all  through  my  college 
life.  But  I  '11  give  you  full  liberty  to  hoax  me  again 
—  if  you  can."  And  Mr.  Verdant  Green  joined  good- 
humouredly  in  the  laughter  raised  at  his  own  expense. 

Not  many  days  after  this  he  was  really  made  a 
Mason;  although  the  Lodge  was  not  that  of  the 
Cemented  Bricks,  or  the  forms  of  initiation  those 
invented  by  his  four  friends. 


466   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  BREAKFASTS  WITH  MR.  BOUNCER, 
AND  ENTERS  FOR  A  GRIND. 


ITTLE  Mr.  Bouncer  had 
abandoned  his  intention 
of  obtaining  a  licet  migrare 
to  "the  Tavern,"  and  had 
decided  (the  Dons  being 
propitious)  to  remain  at  Brazenface,  in 
the  nearer  neighbourhood  of  his  friends. 
He  had  resumed  his  reading  for  his  degree; 
and,  at  various  odd  times,  and  in  various  odd  ways,  he 
crammed  himself  for  his  forthcoming  examination 
with  the  most  confused  and  confusing  scraps  of  knowl 
edge.  He  was  determined,  he  said,  "to  stump  the 
examiners." 

One  day,  when  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  come  from 
morning  chapel,  and  had  been  refreshed  by  the  perusal 
of  an  unusually  long  epistle  from  his  charming  North 
umbrian  correspondent,  he  betook  himself  to  his 
friend's  rooms,  and  found  the  little  gentleman  —  not 
withstanding  that  he  was  expecting  a  breakfast  party 
—  still  luxuriating  in  bed.  His  curly  black  wig 
reposed  on  its  block  on  the  dressing  table,  and  the 
closely-shaven  skull  that  it  daily  decorated  shone 
whiter  than  the  pillow  that  it  pressed;  for  although 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   467 

Mr.  Bouncer  considered  that  night-caps  might  be  worn 
by  "long-tailed  babbies,"  and  by  "old  birds  that  were 
as  bald  as  coots,"  yet,  he,  being  a  young  bird  — though 
not  a  baby  — declined  to  ensconce  his  head  within  any 
kind  of  white  covering,  after  the  fashion  of  the  por 
traits  of   the   poet   Cowper.     The    smallness    of    Mr. 
Bouncer's  dormitory  caused  his  wash-hand-stand  to  be 
brought    against    his 
bed's  head;  and  the 
little  gentleman  had 
availed     himself     of 
this  convenience,    to 
place       within       the 
basin    a  blubbering, 
bubbling,       gurgling 
hookah,  from  which  a 
long  stem   curled   in 
vine-like        tendrils, 
until  it  found  a  rest 
ing     place     in     Mr. 
Bouncer's    mouth. 
The  little  gentleman  lay  comfortably  propped  on  pil 
lows,  with  his  hands  tucked  under  his  head,  and  his 
knees  crooked  up  to  form  a  rest  for  a  manuscript  book 
of  choice    "crams,"   that   had    been   gleaned    by   him 
from  those  various  fields  of  knowledge  from  which  the 
true  labourer  reaps  so  rich  and  ripe  a  store.      Huz  and 
Buz  reposed  on  the  counterpane,  to  complete  this  pic 
ture  of  Reading  for  a  Pass. 

"The  top  o'   the  morning  to  you,   Gig-lamps!"  he 
said,  as  he  saluted  his  friend  with  a  volley  of  smoke  - 
a  salute  similar  as  to  the  smoke,  but  superior,  in  the 
absence  of  noise  and  slightness  of  expense,   to  that 


468   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

which  would  have  greeted  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  approach 
had  he  been  of  the  royal  blood  —  "  here  I  am !  sweat 
ing  away,  as  usual,  for  that  beastly  examination." 
(It  was  a  popular  fallacy  with  Mr.  Bouncer,  that  he 
read  very  hard  and  very  regularly.)  "I  thought  I'd 
cut  chapel  this  morning,  and  coach  up  for  my  Divinity 
paper.  Do  you  know  who  Hadassah  was,  old  feller?  " 

"  No  !     I  never  heard  of  her. " 

"  Ha !  you  may  depend  upon  it,  those  are  the  sort  of 
questions  that  pluck  a  man,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  who 
thought  —  as  others  like  him  have  thought  —  that  the 
getting  up  of  a  few  abstruse  proper  names  would  be 
proof  sufficient  for  a  thorough  knowledge  of  the  whole 
subject.  "But  I  'm  not  going  to  let  them  gulph  me  a 
second  time;  though,  they  ought  not  to  plough  a  man 
who  's  been  at  Harrow,  ought  they,  old  feller? " 

"Don't  make  bad  jokes." 

"  So  I  shall  work  well  at  these  crams,  although,  of 
course,  I  shall  put  on  my  examination  coat,  and  trust 
a  good  deal  to  my  cards,  and  watch  papers,  and  shirt 
wristbands,  and  so  on." 

"I  should  have  thought,"  said  Verdant,  "that  after 
those  sort  of  crutches  had  broken  down  with  you  once, 
you  would  not  fly  to  their  support  a  second  time." 

"Oh,  I  shall  though!  —  I  must,  you  know!"  replied 
the  infatuated  Mr.  Bouncer.  "  The  Mum  cut  up  doosid 
this  last  time;  you  've  no  idea  how  she  turned  on  the 
main,  and  did  the  briny!  and,  I  must  make  things 
sure  this  time.  After  all,  I  believe  it  was  those  Sec 
ond  Aorists  that  ploughed  me." 

It  is  remarkable,  that,  not  only  in  Mr.  Bouncer's 
case,  but  in  many  others,  also,  of  a  like  nature,  gen 
tlemen  who  have  been  plucked  can  always  attribute 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  469 

their  totally-unexpected  failures  to  a  Second  Aorist, 
or  a  something  equivalent  to  "the  salmon,"  or  "the 
melted  butter,"  or  "that  glass  of  sherry,"  which  are 
recognised  as  the  causes  for  so  many  morning  reflec 
tions.  This  curious  circumstance  suggests  an  inter 
esting  source  of  inquiry  for  the  speculative. 

"Well!"  said  Mr.  Bouncer  meditatively ;  "I'm  not 
so  sorry,  after  all,  that  they  cut  up  rough,  and  ploughed 
me.  It 's  enabled  me,  you  see,  to  come  back  here, 
and  be  jolly.  I  shouldn't  have  known  what  to  do 
with  myself  away  from  Oxford.  A  man  can't  be 
always  going  to  feeds  and  •  tea-fights ;  and  that's  all 
that  I  have  to  do  when  I  'm  down  in  the  country  with 
the  Mum  —  she  likes  me,  you  know,  to  do  the  filial, 
and  go  about  with  her.  And  it 's  not  a  bad  thing  to 
have  something  to  work  at!  it  keeps  what  you  call 
your  intellectual  faculties  on  the  move.  I  don't  won 
der  at  thingumbob  crying  when  he  'd  no  more  what- 
dyecallems  to  conquer!  he  was  regularly  used  up,  I 
dare  say." 

Mr.  Bouncer,  upon  this,  rolled  out  some  curls  of 
smoke  from  the  corner  of  his  mouth,  and  then  observed, 
"I'm  glad  I  started  this  hookah!  'the  judicious 
Hooker,'  ain't  it,  Gig-lamps?  it  is  so  jolly,  at  night, 
to  smoke  oneself  to  sleep,  with  the  tail  end  of  it  in 
one's  mouth,  and  to  find  it  there  in  the  morning,  all 
ready  for  a  fresh  start.  It  makes  me  get  on  with  my 
coaching  like  a  house  on  fire." 

Here  there  was  a  rush  of  men  into  the  adjacent 
room,  who  hailed  Mr.  Bouncer  as  a  disgusting  Sybarite, 
and,  flinging  their  caps  and  gowns  into  a  corner,  forth 
with  fell  upon  the  good  fare  which  Mr.  Robert  Filcher 
had  spread  before  them ;  at  the  same  time  carrying  on 


4/0   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

a  lively  conversation  with  their  host,  the  occupant  oi 
the  bed-room.  "Well!  I  suppose  I  must  turn  out, 
and  do  tumbies ! "  said  Mr.  Bouncer.  So  he  got  up, 
and  went  into  his  tub;  and,  presently,  sat  down  com 
fortably  to  breakfast,  in  his  shirt-sleeves. 

When  Mr.  Bouncer  had  refreshed  his  inner  man,  and 
strengthened  himself  for  his  severe  course  of  reading 
by  the  consumption  of  a  singular  mixture  of  coffee 
and  kidneys,  beef-steaks  and  beer;  and  when  he  had 
rested  from  his  exertions,  and  had  resumed  his  pipe  — 
which  was  not  "the  judicious  Hooker,"  but  a  short 
clay,  smoked  to  a  swarthy  hue,  and  on  that  account,  as 
well  as  from  its  presumed  medicatory  power,  called 
"the  Black  Doctor,"  -just  then,  Mr.  Smalls,  and  a 
detachment  of  invited  guests,  who  had  been  to  an  early 
lecture,  dropped  in  to  breakfast.  Huz  and  Buz,  setting 
up  a  terrific  bark,  darted  towards  a  minute  specimen 
of  the  canine  species,  which,  with  the  aid  of  a  power 
ful  microscope,  might  have  been  discovered  at  the  feet 
of  its  proud  proprietor,  Mr.  Smalls.  It  was  the  first 
dog  of  its  kind  imported  into  Oxford,  and  it  was  des 
tined  to  set  on  foot  a  fashion  that  soon  bade  fair  to 
drive  out  of  the  field  those  long-haired  Skye-terriers, 
with  two  or  three  specimens  of  which  species,  he 
entered  the  room. 

"Kill  'em,  Lympy!"  said  Mr.  Smalls  to  his  pet, 
who,  with  an  extreme  display  of  pugnacity,  was  sub 
mitting  to  the  curious  and  minute  inspection  of  Huz 
and  Buz.  "  Lympy  "  was  a  black  and  tan  terrier,  with 
smooth  hair,  glossy  coat,  bead-like  eyes,  cropped  ears, 
pointed  tail,  limbs  of  a  cobwebby  structure,  and  so 
diminutive  in  its  proportions,  that  its  owner  was 
accustomed  to  carry  it  inside  the  breast  of  his  waist- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  4/1 

coat,  as  a  precaution,  probably,  against  its  being 
blown  away.  And  it  was  called  "Lympy,"  as  an 
abbreviation  of  "Olympus,"  which  was  the  name 
derisively  given  to  it  for  its  smallness,  on  the  lucus  a 
non  lucendo  principle  that  miscalls  the  lengthy  "  brief  " 
of  the  barrister,  the  "  living  "  —  not-sufficient-to^ 
support-life  — of  the  poor  vicar,  the  uncertain  "certain 
age,"  the  unfair  "fare,"  and  the  son-ruled  "governor." 
"'Lympy"  was  placed  upon  the  table,  in  order  that 
he  might  be  duly  admired; 
an  exaltation  at  which  Huz 
and  Buz  and  the  Skye-ter- 
riers  chafed  with  jealousy. 
"  Be  quiet,  you  beggars ! 
he's  prettier  than  you!" 
said  Mr.  Smalls :  where 
upon,  a  mild  punster  pres 
ent  propounded  the  canine 
query,  "Did  it  ever  occur 
to  a  cur  to  be  lauded  to  the  Skyes?  "  at  which  there 
was  a  shout  of  indignation,  and  he  was  sconced  by  the 
unanimous  vote  of  the  company. 

"Lympy  ain't  a  bad  style  of  dog,"  said  little  Mr. 
Bouncer,  as  he  puffed  away  at  the  Black  Doctor. 
"He'd  be  perfect,  if  he  hadn't  one  fault." 

"And  what's  his  fault,  pray?"  asked  his  anxious 
owner. 

"There's  rather  too  much  of  him!"  observed  Mr. 
Bouncer,  gravely.  "Robert!"  shouted  the  little  gen 
tleman  to  his  scout;  "Robert!  doose  take  the  feller, 
he  's  always  out  of  the  way  when  he  's  wanted."  And, 
when  the  performance  of  a  variety  of  octaves  on  the 
post-horn,  combined  with  the  free  use  of  the  speaking- 


4/2  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

trumpet,  had  brought  Mr.  Robert  Filcher  to  his 
presence,  Mr.  Bouncer  received  him  with  objurga 
tions,  and  ordered  another  tankard  of  beer  from  the 
buttery. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  conversation  had  taken  a 
sporting  turn.  "Do  you  meet  Drake's  to-morrow?" 
asked  Mr.  Blades  of  Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke. 

"No!  the  old  Berkshire,"  was  the  reply. 

"Where's  the  meet?" 

"At  Buscot  Park.  I  send  my  horse  to  Thompson's, 
at  the  Farringdon-Road  station,  and  go  to  meet  him 
by  rail." 

"And,  what  about  the  Grind?"  asked  Mr.  Smalls  of 
the  company  generally. 

"  Oh  yes !  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  let  us  talk  over  the 
Grind.  Gig-lamps,  old  feller,  you  must  join." 

"Certainly,  if  you  wish  it,"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green, 
who,  however,  had  as  little  idea  as  the  man  in  the 
moon  what  they  were  talking  about.  But,  as  he  was 
no  longer  a  Freshman,  he  was  unwilling  to  betray  his 
ignorance  on  any  matter  pertaining  to  college  life;  so, 
he  looked  much  wiser  than  he  felt,  and  saved  himself 
from  saying  more  on  the  subject,  by  sipping  a  hot 
spiced  draught,  from  a  silver  cup  that  was  pushed 
round  to  him. 

"That 's  the  very  cup  that  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke 
won  at  the  last  Grind,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer. 

"Was  it  indeed!"  safely  answered  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  who  looked  at  the  silver  cup  (on  which  was 
engraven  a  coat-of-arms  with  the  words  "Brazenface 
Grind.  —  Fosbrooke,"  )  and  wondered  what  "a  Grind  " 
might  be.  A  medical  student  would  have  told  him 
that  a  "  Grind  "  meant  the  reading  up  for  an  examina- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN,   473 

tion  under  the  tuition  of  one  who  was  familiarly 
termed  "a  Grinder"  —  a  process  which  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  friends  would  phrase  as  "Coaching"  under  a 
"Coach;"  but  the  conversation  that  followed  upon 
Mr.  Smalls'  introduction  of  the  subject,  made  our 
hero  aware,  that,  to  a  University  man,  a  Grind  did 
not  possess  any  reading  signification,  but  a  riding  one. 
In  fact,  it  was  a  steeple-chase,  slightly  varying  in  its 
details  according  to  the  college  that  patronised  the 
pastime.  At  Brazenface,  "the  Grind"  was  usually 
over  a  known  line  of  country,  marked  out  with  flags 
by  the  gentleman  (familiarly  known  as  Anniseed)  who 
attended  to  this  business,  and  full  of  leaps  of  various 
kinds,  and  various  degrees  of  stiffness.  By  sweep 
stakes  and  subscriptions,  a  sum  of  from  ten  to  fifteen 
pounds  was  raised  for  the  purchase  of  a  silver  cup, 
wherewith  to  grace  the  winner's  wines  and  breakfast 
parties;  but,  as  the  winner  had  occasionally  been 
known  to  pay  as  much  as  fifteen  pounds  for  the  day's 
hire  of  the  blood  horse  who  was  to  land  him  first  at  the 
goal,  and  as  he  had,  moreover,  to  discharge  many  other 
little  expenses,  including  the  by  no  means  little  one 
of  a  dinner  to  the  losers,  the  conqueror  for  the  cup 
usually  obtained  more  glory  than  profit. 

"I  suppose  you'll  enter  '  Tearaway,'  as  before?" 
asked  Mr.  Smalls  of  Mr.  Fosbrooke. 

"Yes!  for  I  want  to  get  him  in  condition  for  the 
Aylesbury  steeple-chase,"  replied  the  owner  of  "Tear- 
away,"  who  was  rather  too  fond  of  vaunting  his  blue 
silk  and  black  cap  before  the  eyes  of  the  sporting 
public. 

"You  've  not  much  to  fear  from  this  man,"  said  Mr. 
Bouncer,  indicating  (with  the  Black  Doctor)  the  stal- 


474   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

wart  form  of  Mr.  Blades.  "Billy's  too  big  in  the 
Westphalias.  Gig-lamps,  you  're  the  boy  to  cook 
Fosbrooke's  goose.  Don't  you  remember  what  old 
father-in-law  Honeywood  told  you,  — that  you  might, 
would,  should,  and  could,  ride  like  a  Shafto?  and  lives 
there  a  man  with  soul  so  dead,  — as  Shikspur  or  some 
other  cove  observes  —  who  wouldn't  like  to  show  what 
stuff  he  was  made  of?  I  can  put  you  up  to  a  wrinkle," 
said  the  little  gentleman,  sinking  his  voice  to  a  whis 
per.  "Tollitt  has  got  a  mare  who  can  lick  '  Tearaway  ' 
into  fits.  She  is  as  easy  as  a  chair,  and  Jumps  like  a 
cat.  All  that  you  have  to  do  is  to  sit  back,  clip  the 
pig-skin,  and  send  her  at  it;  and,  she  '11  take  you  over 
without  touching  a  twig.  He  'd  promised  her  to  me, 
but  I  intend  to  cut  the  Grind  altogether;  it  interferes 
too  much,  don't  you  see,  with  my  coaching.  So  I 
can  make  Tollitt  keep  her  for  you.  Think  how 
well  the  cup  would  look  on  your  side-board,  when 
you  've  blossomed  into  a  parient,  and  changed  the 
adorable  Patty  into  Mrs.  Verdant.  Think  of  that, 
Master  Gig-lamps!" 

Mr.  Bouncer's  argument  was  a  persuasive  one,  and 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  consented  to  be  one  of  the  twelve 
gentlemen,  who  cheerfully  paid  their  sovereigns  to  be 
allowed  to  make  their  appearance  as  amateur  jockeys 
at  the  forthcoming  Grind.  After  much  debate,  "the 
Wet  Ensham  course"  was  decided  upon;  and  three 
o'clock  in  the  afternoon  of  that  day  fortnight  was  fixed 
for  the  start.  Mr.  Smalls  gained  kudos  by  offering  to 
give  the  luncheon  at  his  rooms;  and  the  host  of  the 
Red  Lion,  at  Ensham,  was  ordered  to  prepare  one  of 
his  very  best  dinners,  for  the  winding  up  of  the  day's 
sport. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


"I  don't  mind  paying  for  it,"  said  Verdant  to  Mr. 
Bouncer,  "  if  I  can  but  win  the  cup,  and  show  it  to 
Patty,  when  she  comes  to  us  at  Christmas." 

"Keep  your  pecker  up,  old  feller!  and  put  youi 
trust  in  old  beans/'  was  Mr.  Bouncer's  reply. 


47O  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  TAKES  HIS  DEGREE. 

DURING  the  fortnight 
that  intervened  be 
tween  Mr.  Bouncer's 
breakfast  party  and 
the  Grind,  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  got  him 
self  into  training  for 
his  first  appearance 
as  a  steeple-chase 
rider,  by  practising  a 
variety  of  equestrian 
feats  over  leaping- 
bars  and  gorse-stuck 
hurdles;  in  which  he  acquitted  himself  with  tolerable 
success,  and  came  off  with  fewer  bruises  than  might 
have  been  expected.  At  this  period  of  his  career,  too, 
he  strengthened  his  bodily  powers  by  practising  him 
self  in  those  varieties  of  the  "manly  exercises"  that 
found  most  favour  in  Oxford. 

The  adoption  of  some  portion  of  these  was  partly 
attributable  to  his  having  been  made  a  Mason;  for, 
whenever  he  attended  the  meetings  of  his  Lodge,  he 
had  to  pass  the  two  rooms  where  Mr.  MacLaren 
conducted  his  fencing-school  and  gymnasium.  The 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  477 

fencing-room — -which  was  the  larger  of  the  two,  and 
was  of  the  same  dimensions  as  the  Lodge-room  above 
it  —  was  usually  tenanted  by  the  proprietor  and  his 
assistant,  (who,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  phrased  it,  "put  the 
pupils  through  their  paces, ")  and  re-echoed  to  the  sounds 


of  stampings,  and  the  cries  of  "On  guard!  quick! 
parry!  lunge!"  with  the  various  other  terms  of 
Defence  and  Attack,  uttered  in  French  and  English. 
At  the  upper  end  of  the  room,  over  the  fire-place,  was 
a  stand  of  curious  arms,  flanked  on  either  side  by  files 
of  single-sticks.  The  centre  of  the  room  was  left 
clear  for  the  fencing;  while  the  lower  end  was  occupied 
by  the  parallel  bars,  a  regiment  of  Indian  clubs,  and  a 
mattress  apparatus  for  the  delectation  of  the  sect  of 
jumpers. 

Here  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  properly  equipped  for  the 


478   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

purpose,  was  accustomed  to  swing  his  clubs  after  the 
presumed  Indian  manner,  to  lift  himself  off  his  feet 
and  hang  suspended  between  the  parallel  bars,  to  leap 
the  string  on  to  the  mattress,  to  be  rapped  and  thumped 
with  single-sticks  and  boxing-gloves  by  any  one  else 
than  Mr.  Blades  (who  had  developed  his  muscles  in  a 
most  formidable  manner),  and  to  go  through  his  parades 
of  qnarte  and  tierce  with  the  flannel-clothed  assistant. 
Occasionally  he  had  a  fencing  bout  with  the  good- 
humoured  Mr.  MacLaren,  who  —  professionally  pro 
tected  by  his  padded  leathern  plastron  —  politely  and 
obligingly  did  his  best  to  assure  him,  both  by  precept 
and  example,  of  the  truth  of  the  wise  old  saw,  "  mens 
sana  in  corpore  sano. " 

The  lower  room  at  MacLaren's  presented  a  very 
different  appearance  to  the  fencing-room.  The  wall 
to  the  right  hand,  as  well  as  a  part  of  the  wall  at  the 
upper  end,  was  hung  around  —  not 

"  With  pikes,  and  guns,  and  bows," 

like  the  fine  old  English  gentleman's, —but,  never 
theless, 

"  With  swords,  and  good  old  cutlasses," 

and  foils,  and  fencing  masks,  and  fencing  gloves,  and 
boxing  gloves,  and  pads,  and  belts,  and  light  white 
shoes.  Opposite  to  the  door,  was  the  vaulting-horse, 
on  whose  wooden  back  the  gymnasiast  sprang  at  a 
bound,  and  over  which  the  tyro  (with  the  aid  of  the 
spring-board)  usually  pitched  himself  headlong.  Then, 
commencing  at  the  further  end,  was  a  series  of  poles 
and  ropes  — the  turning  pole,  the  hanging  poles,  the 
rings,  and  the  trapeze^  —  on  either  or  all  of  which  the 
pupil  could  exercise  himself;  and,  if  he  had  the  skill 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  479 

so  to  do,  could  jerk  himself  from  one  to  the  other,  and 
finally  hang  himself  upon  the  sloping  ladder,  before 
the  momentum  of  his  spring  had  passed  away. 

Mr.    Bouncer,   who  could   do  most  things  with   his 
hands  and  feet,  was  a  very  distinguished  pupil  of  Mr. 


McLaren's;  for  the  little  gentleman  was  as  active  as  a 
monkey,  and — to  quote  his  own  remarkably  figurative 
expression  —  was  "a  great  deal  livelier  than  '  the  Bu°- 
and  Butterfly.'"1 

Mr.  Bouncer,  then,  would  go  through  the  full  series 
of  gymnastic  performances,  and  finally  pull  himself  up 

1  A  name  given  to  Mr.  Hope's  Entomological  Museum. 


480   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

the  rounds  of  the  ladder,  with  the  greatest  apparent 
ease,  much  to  the  envy  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who, 
bathed  in  perspiration,  and  nearly  dislocating  every 
bone  in  his  body,  would  vainly  struggle  (in  attitudes 
like  to  those  of  "the  perspiring  frog  "  of  Count  Smorl- 
tork)  to  imitate  his  mercurial  friend,  and  would  finally 
drop  exhausted  on  the  padded  floor. 

And,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  did  not  confine  himself  to 
these  indoor  amusements;  but  studied  the  Oxford 
Book  of  Sports  in  various  out-of-door  ways.  Besides 
his  Grinds,  and  cricketing,  and  boating,  and  hunting, 
he  would  paddle  down  to  Wyatt's,  for  a  little  pistol 
practice,  or  to  indulge  in  the  exciting  amusement  of 
rifle-shooting  at  empty  bottles,  or  to  practise,  on  the 
leaping  and  swinging  poles,  the  lessons  he  was  learn 
ing  at  MacLaren's,  or  to  play  at  skittles  with  Mr. 
Bouncer  (who  was  very  expert  in  knocking  down  three 
out  of  the  four),  or  to  kick  football  until  he  became 
(to  use  Mr.  Bouncer's  expression)  "as  stiff  as  a 
biscuit." 

Or,  he  would  attend  the  shooting  parties  given  by 
William  Brown,  Esquire,  of  University  House;  where 
blue-rocks  and  brown  rabbits  were  turned  out  of  traps 
for  the  sport  of  the  assembled  bipeds  and  quadrupeds. 
The  luckless  pigeons  and  rabbits  had  but  a  poor  chance 
for  their  lives;  for,  if  the  gentleman  who  paid  for  the 
privilege  of  the  shot  missed  his  rabbit  (which  was 
within  the  bounds  of  probability)  the  other  guns  were 
at  once  discharged,  and  the  dogs  of  Town  and  Gown 
let  slip.  And,  if  any  rabbit  was  nimble  and  fortunate 
enough  to  run  this  gauntlet  with  the  loss  of  only  a  tail 
or  ear,  and,  Galatea-like, 

"  f ugit  ad  salices," 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   481 

and  rushed  into  the  willow-girt  ditches,  it  speedily  fell 
before   the   clubs  of   the   "cads,"  who  were  there  to 

watch,  and  profit  by  the 
sports  of  their  more  aris 
tocratic  neighbours.1 

Mr.  Verdant  Green 
would  also  study  the  news 
of  the  day,  in  the  floating 
reading-room  of  the  Uni 
versity  Barge;  and,  from 
these  comfortable  quar 
ters,  indite  a  letter  to  Miss 
Patty,  and  look  out  upon  the  picturesque  river  with  its 
moving  life  of  eights  and  four-oars  sweeping  past 
with  measured  stroke.  A  great  feature  of  the  river 
picture,  just  about  this  time,  was  the  crowd  of  newly 
introduced  canoes;  their  occupants,  in  every  variety 
of  bright-coloured  shirts  and  caps,  flashing  up  and 
down  a  double  paddle,  the  ends  of  which  were  painted 
in  gay  colours,  or  emblazoned  with  the  owner's  crest. 
But  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  with  a  due  regard  for  his  own 
preservation  from  drowning,  was  content  with  looking 
at  these  cranky  canoes,  as  they  flitted,  like  gaudy 
dragon-flies,  over  the  surface  of  the  water. 

Fain  would  the  writer  of  these  pages  linger  over 
these  memoirs  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green.  Fain  would  he 
tell  how  his  hero  did  many  things  that  might  be 
thought  worthy  of  mention,  besides  those  which  have 
been  already  chronicled  ;  but,  this  narrative  has  already 

1  "The  Vice-Chancellor,  by  the  direction  of  the  Hebdomadal 
Council,  has  issued  a  notice  against  the  practice  of  pigeon-shooting, 
&c.,  in  the  neighbourhood  of  the  University."  —  Oxford  Intelli 
gence,  Deer.,  1854. 


482   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

reached  its  assigned  limits,  and,  even  a  historian  must 
submit  to  be  kept  within  reasonable  bounds. 

The  Dramatist  has  the  privilege  of  escaping  many 
difficulties,  and  passing  swiftly  over  confusing  details, 
by  the  simple  intimation,  that  "An  interval  of  twenty 
years  is  supposed  to  take  place  between  the  Acts." 
Suffice  it,  therefore,  •  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  histo 
rian,  to  avail  himself  of  this  dramatic  art,  and,  in  a 


very  few  sentences,  to  pass  over  the  varied  events  of 
two  years,  in  order  that  he  may  arrive  at  a  most  impor 
tant  passage  in  his  hero's  career. 

The  Grind  came  off  without  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
being  enabled  to  communicate  to  Miss  Patty  Honey- 
wood,  that  he  was  the  winner  of  a  silver  cup.  Indeed, 
he  did  not  arrive  at  the  winning  post  until  half-an-hour 
after  it  had  been  first  reached  by  Mr.  Four-in-hand 
Fosbrooke  on  his  horse  "Tearaway;"  for,  after  nar 
rowly  escaping  a  blow  from  the  hatchet  of  an  irate 
agriculturist  who  professed  great  displeasure  at  any 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR  VERDANT  GREEN.   483 

one  presuming  to  come  a  galloperin'  and  a  tromplin' 
over  his  fences,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  finally  "came  to 
grief,"  by  being  flung  into  a  disagreeably-moist  ditch. 
And 'though,  for  that  evening,  he  forgot  his  troubles, 
in  the  jovial  dinner  that  took  place  at  "  the  Red  Lion," 
yet  the  next  morning,  they  were  immensely  aggra 
vated,  when  the  Tutor  told  them  that  he  had  heard  of 
the  steeple-chase,  and  should  expel  every  gentleman 
who  had  taken  part  in  it.  The  Tutor,  however,  relented, 
and  did  not  carry  out  his  threat;  though  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  suffered  almost  as  much  as  if  he  had  really 

kept  it. 

The  infatuated  Mr.  Bouncer  madly  persisted  (despil 
the  entreaties  and    remonstrances  of  his  friends)   in 
going  into  the  Schools  clad  in  his  examination  coat, 
and  padded  over  with  a  host  of  crams.      His  fate  was 
a  warning  that  similar  offenders  should  lay  to  heart, 
and    profit   by;    for    the    little   gentleman   was   again 
plucked.     Although  he  was  grieved   at   this  on  "the 
Mum's"  account,  his  mercurial  temperament  enabled 
him  to  thoroughly  enjoy  the  Christmas  vacation  at  the 
Manor  Green,  where  were  again  gathered  together  the 
same  party  who  had  met  there  the  previous  Christmas. 
The  cheerful  society  of  Miss  Fanny  Green  did  much, 
probably,  towards  restoring  Mr.  Bouncer  to  his  usual 
happy  frame  of  mind ,  and,  after  Christmas,  he  gladly 
returned   to  his  beloved  Oxford,   leaving  Brazenface, 
and  migrating  ("through  circumstances  over  which  he 
had  no  control,"    as  he  said)  to  "the  Tavern."     But 
when  the  time  for  his  examination  drew  on,  the  little 
gentleman    was    seized    with    such    trepidation,    and 
"funked"  so  greatly,  that  he  came  to  the  resolution 
not  to  trouble  the  Examiners  again,  and  to  dispense 


484   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

with  the  honours  of  a  Degree.  And  so,  at  length, 
greatly  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  sorrow,  and  "regretted 
by  all  that  knew  him,"  Mr.  Bouncer  sounded  his  final 
octaves  and  went  the  complete  unicorn  for  the  last 
time  in  a  College  quad,  and  gave  his  last  Wine 
(wherein  he  produced  some  "very  old  port,  my  tea- 
cakes!— I've  had  it  since  last  term!")  and  then,  as 
an  undergraduate,  bade  his  last  farewell  to  Oxford, 
with  the  parting  declaration,  that,  though  he  had  not 
taken  his  Degree,  yet  that  he  had  got  through  with 
great  credit,  for  that  he  had  left  behind  him  a  heap  of 
unpaid  bills. 

^  By  this  time,  or  shortly  after,  many  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  earliest  friends  had  taken  their  Degrees,  and 
had  left  College;  and  their  places  were  occupied  by  a 
new  set  of  men,  among  whom  our  hero  found  many 
pleasant  companions,  whose  names  and  titles  need  not 
be  recorded  here. 

When  June  had  come,  there  was  a  "grand  Com 
memoration,"  and  this  was  quite  a  sufficient  reason 
that  the  Miss  Honeywoods  should  take  their  first  peep 
at  Oxford,  at  so  favourable  an  opportunity.  Accord 
ingly  there  they  came,  together  with  the  Squire,  and 
were  met  by  a  portion  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  family, 
and  by  Mr.  Bouncer;  and  there  were  they  duly  taken 
to  all  the  lions,  and  initiated  into  some  of  the  mys 
teries  of  College  life.  Miss  Patty  was  enchanted  with 
every  thing  that  she  saw  — even  carrying  her  admira 
tion  to  Verdant's  undergraduate's  gown  —  and  was 
proudly  escorted  from  College  to  College  by  her 
enamoured  swain. 

"  Pleasant  it  was,  when  woods  were  green, 
And  winds  were  soft  and  low," 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   485 

when  in  a  House-boat,  and  in  four-oars,  they  made  an 
expedition  ("a  wine  and  water  party,"  as  Mr.  Bouncer 
called  it)  to  Nuneham  and,  after  safely  passing  through 
the  perils  of  the  pound-locks  of  Iffley  and  Sandford, 
arrived  at  the  pretty  thatched  cottage,  and  pic-nic'd 
in  the  round-house,  and  strolled  through  the  nut  plan 
tations  up  to  Carfax  hill,  to  see  the  glorious  view  of 
Oxford,  and  looked  at  the  Conduit,  and  Bab's-tree, 


and  paced  over  the  little  rustic  bridge  to  the  island, 
where  Verdant  and  Patty  talked  as  lovers  love  to  talk. 

Then  did  Mr.  Verdant  Green  accompany  his  lady 
love  to  Northumberland;  from  whence,  after  spending 
a  pleasant  month  that,  all  too  quickly,  came  to  an  end, 
he  departed  (via  Warwickshire)  for  a  continental  tour, 
which  he  took  in  the  company  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Charles 
Larkyns  (nte  Mary  Green),  who  were  there  for  the 
honeymoon. 

Then  he  returned  to  Oxford;  and  when  the  month 
of  May  had  again  come  round,  he  went  in  for  his 


486  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

Degree  examination.  He  passed  with  flying  colours, 
and  was  duly  presented  with  that  much-prized  shabby 
piece  of  paper,  on  which  was  printed  and  written  the 
following  brief  form:  — 

GREEN  VERDANT  &  Coll.  y£n.  Fac. 
Die  28°  Mensis  Mail  Anni  185— 

Examinatus,  prout  Statuta  requirunt,  satisfecit  nobis 
Examinatoribus. 

ij.  SMITH.  \ 

GUL.  BROWN.  f  Examinatores  in 

JAC.  L.  JONES,  f  Literis  Humanio- 

R.  ROBINSON.  )  ribus. 

Owing  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  having  entered  upon 
residence  at  the  time  of  his  matriculation,  he  was 
obliged,  for  the  present,  to  defer  the  putting  on  of  his 
gown,  and,  consequently,  of  arriving  at  the  full  dignity 
of  a  Bachelor  of  Arts.  Nevertheless,  he  had  taken  his 
Degree  de facto,  if  not  de  jure  ;  and  he,  therefore  —  for 
reasons  which  will  appear  — gave  the  usual  Degree 
dinner,  on  the  day  of  his  taking  his  Testamur. 

He  also  cleared  his  rooms,  giving  some  of  his  things 
away,  sending  others  to  Richards' s  sale-rooms,  and 
resigning  his  china  and  glass  to  the  inexorable  Mr. 
Robert  Filcher,  who  would  forthwith  dispose  of  these 
gifts  (much  over  their  cost  price)  to  the  next  Freshman 
who  came  under  his  care. 

Moreover,  as  the  adorning  of  College  chimney- 
pieces  with  the  photographic  portraits  of  all  the 
owner's  College  friends,  had  just  then  come  into 
fashion,  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  beaming  countenance 
and  spectacles  were  daguerreotyped  in  every  variety 
of  Ethiopian  distortion;  and,  being  enclosed  in  minia- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   487 

ture  frames,  were  distributed  as  souvenirs  among  his 
admiring  friends. 

Then,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  went  down  to  Warwick 
shire;  and,  within  three  months,  travelled  up  to 
Northumberland  on  a  special  mission. 


488   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT 


CHAPTER   THE   LAST. 

MR.     VERDANT    GREEN    IS    MARRIED    AND    DONE    FOR. 

LASTHOPE'S  ruined 
Church,  since 
it  had  become 
a  ruin  —  which 
was  many  a 
long  year  ago 
—  had  never 
held  within  its 
mouldering 
walls  so  nume- 
^p-  rous  a  congre 
gation  as  was 
assembled 
therein  on  one 

particular  September  morning,  somewhere  about  the 
middle  of  the  present  century.  It  must  be  confessed 
that  this  unusual  assemblage  had  not  been  drawn  to 
gether  to  see  and  hear  the  officiating  Clergyman  (who 
had  never,  at  any  time,  been  a  special  attraction), 
although  that  ecclesiastical  Ruin  was  present,  and 
looked  almost  picturesque  in  the  unwonted  glories  of 
a  clean  surplice  and  white  kid  gloves.  But,  this  deco 
rative  appearance  of  the  Ruin,  coupled  with  the  fact 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  489 

that  it  was  made  on  a  week  day,  was  a  sufficient  proof 
that  no  ordinary  circumstance  had  brought  about  this 
goodly  assemblage. 

At  length,  after  much  expectant  waiting,  those  on 
the  outside  of  the  Church  discerned  the  figure  of  small 
Jock  Muir  mounted  on  his  highly  trained  donkey,  and 
galloping  along  at  a  tearing  pace  from  the  direction  of 
Honeywood    Hall.      It   soon    became  evident  that  he 
was  the  advance  guard  of  two  carriages  that  were  being 
rapidly  whirled  along  the  rough  road  that  led  by  the 
rocky  banks  of  the   Swirl.      Before  small  Jock  drew 
rein,  he  had  struggled  to  relieve  his  own  excitement, 
and 'that  of  the  crowd,   by  pointing  to  the  carriages 
and  shouting,    "Yon's   the    greums,    wi'    the   t'other 
priest!"  the  correctness  of  which  assertion  was  speed 
ily  manifested   by   the    arrival    of   the    "grooms"    in 
question,    who    were    none    other    than    Mr.    Verdant 
Green   and   Mr.    Frederick   Delaval,    accompanied   by 
the   Rev.    Mr.    Larkyns   (who  was  to  "assist"  at  the 
ceremony)    and    their    "best    men,"    who   were    Mr. 
Bouncer  and  a  cousin  of  Frederick  Delaval's.     Which 
quintet  of  gentlemen  at  once  went  into  the  Church, 
and    commenced    a   whispered    conversation  with    the 
ecclesiastical    Ruin.     These    circumstances,    taken    in 
conjunction  with  the  gorgeous  attire  of  the  gentlemen, 
their  white   gloves,    their   waistcoats    "equal   to   any 
emergency"  (as  Mr.   Bouncer  had  observed),  and  the 
bows  of  white  satin  ribbon  that  gave  a  festive  appear 
ance  to  themselves,  their  carriage-horses,  and  postilions 
—  sufficiently   proclaimed  the  fact  that  a  wedding  — 
and  that,   too,   a  double  one  —  was  at  hand. 

The  assembled  crowd  had  now  sufficient  to  engage 
their  attention,  by  the  approach  of  a  very  special  train 


490  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

of  carriages,  that  was  brought  to  a  grand  termination 
by  two  travelling-carriages,  respectively  drawn  by  four 
greys,  which  were  decorated  with  flowers  and  white 
ribbons,  and  were  bestridden  by  gay  postilions  in 
gold-tasseled  caps  and  scarlet  jackets.  No  wonder 
that  so  unusual  a  procession  should  have  attracted 
such  an  assemblage;  no  wonder  that  old  Andrew 
Graham  (who  was  there  with  his  well-favoured  daugh 
ters)  should  pronounce  it  "a  brae  sight  for  weak  een. " 

As  the  clatter  of  the  carriages  announced  their  near 
approach  to  Lasthope  Church,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  — 
who  had  been  in  the  highest  state  of  excitement,  and 
had  distractedly  occupied  himself  in  looking  at  his 
watch  to  see  if  it  was  twelve  o'clock;  in  arranging 
his  Oxford-blue  tie;  in  futilely  endeavouring  to  button 
his  gloves;  in  getting  ready,  for  the  fiftieth  time,  the 
gratuity  that  should  make  the  Ruin's  heart  to  leap  for 
joy;  in  longing  for  brandy  and  water;  and  in  attending 
to  the  highly-out-of-place  advice  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  rela 
tive  to  the  sustaining  of  his  "pecker"  —  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  was  thereupon  seized  with  the  fearful  apprehen 
sion  that  he  had  lost  the  ring;  and,  after  an  agonising 
and  trembling  search  in  all  his  pockets,  was  only 
relieved  by  finding  it  in  his  glove  (where  he  had  put 
it  for  safety)  just  as  the  double  bridal  procession 
entered  the  church. 

Of  the  proceedings  of  the  next  hour  or  two,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  never  had  a  clear  perception.  He  had 
a  dreamy  idea  of  seeing  a  bevy  of  ladies  and  gentle 
men  pouring  into  the  church,  in  a  mingled  stream  of 
bright-coloured  silks  and  satins,  and  dark-coloured 
broadcloths,  and  lace,  and  ribbons,  and  mantles,  and 
opera  cloaks,  and  bouquets;  and,  that  this  bright 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   491 

stream,  followed  by  a  rush  of  dark  shepherd's-plaid 
waves,  surged  up  the  aisle,  and,  dividing  confusedly, 
shot  out  from  their  centre  a  blue  coat  and  brass  but 
tons  (in  which,  by  the  way,  was  Mr.  Honeywood),  on 
the  arms  of  which  were  hanging  two  white-robed 
figures,  partially  shrouded  with  Honiton-lace  veils, 
and  crowned  with  orange  blossoms. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  has  a  dim  remembrance  of  the 
party  being  marshalled  to  their  places  by  a  confused 
clerk,  who  assigned  the  wrong  brides  to  the  wrong 
bridegrooms,  and  appeared  excessively  anxious  that 
his  mistake  should  not  be  corrected.  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  also  had  an  idea  that  he  himself  was  in  that 
state  of  mind  in  which  he  would  passively  have  allowed 
himself  to  be  united  to  Miss  Kitty  Honeywood,  or  to 
Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin  (who  was  one  of  Miss 
Patty's  bridesmaids),  or  to  Mrs.  Hannah  More,  or  to 
the  Hottentot  Venus,  or  to  any  one  in  the  female 
shape  who  might  have  thought  proper  to  take  his 
bride's  place.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  also  had  a  general 
recollection  of  making  responses,  and  feeling  much  as 
he  did  when  in  for  his  vivd  vocc  examination  at  college  ; 
and  of  experiencing  a  difficulty  when  called  upon  to 
place  the  ring  on  one  of  the  fingers  of  the  white  hand 
held  forth  to  him,  and  of  his  probable  selection  of  the 
thumb  for  the  ring's  resting  place,  had  not  the  bride 
considerately  poked  out  the  proper  finger,  and  assisted 
him  to  place  the  golden  circlet  in  its  assigned  posi 
tion.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  also  a  misty  idea  that 
the  service  terminated  with  kisses,  tears,  and  con 
gratulations  ;  and,  that  there  was  a  great  deal  of  writing 
and  signing  of  names  in  two  documentary-looking 
books;  and  that  he  had  mingled  feelings  that  it  was 


492      THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR.   VERDANT   GREEN. 

all  over,  that  he  was  made  very  happy,  and  that  he 
wished  he  could  forthwith  project  himself  into  the 
middle  of  the  next  week. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  also  a  dozy  idea  that  he  was 
guided  into  a  carriage  by  a  hand  that  lay  lovingly  upon 
his  arm ;  and,  that  he  shook  a  variety  of  less  delicate 
hands  that  there  were  thrust  out  to  him  in  hearty 
northern  fashion;  and,  that  the  two  cracked  old  bells 
of  Lasthope  Church  made  a  lunatic  attempt  to  ring  a 
wedding  peal,  and  only  succeeded  in  producing  music 
like  to  that  which  attends  the  hiving  of  bees;  and, 
that  he  jumped  into  the  carriage,  amid  a  burst  of 
cheering  and  God-blessings;  and,  that  he  heard  the 
carriage-steps  and  door  shut  to  with  a  clang;  and  that 
he  felt  a  sensation  of  being  whirled  on  by  moving 
figures,  and  sliding  scenery;  and,  that  he  found  the 
carriage  tenanted  by  one  other  person,  and  that  per 
son,  his  WIFE. 

"My  darling  wife!  My  dearest  wife!  My  own 
wife! "  It  was  all  that  his  heart  could  find  to  sav.  It 
was  sufficient,  for  the  present,  to  ring  the  tuneful 
changes  on  that  novel  word,  and  to  clasp  the  little 
hand  that  trembled  under  its  load  of  happiness,  and  to 
press  that  little  magic  circle,  out  of  which  the  necrom 
ancy  of  Marriage  should  conjure  such  wonders  and 
delights. 

The  wedding  breakfast  —  which  was  attended,  among 
others,  by  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Poletiss  (ntfe  Morkins),  and 
by  Charles  Larkyns  and  his  wife,  who  was  now 

"  The  mother  of  the  sweetest  little  maid 
That  ever  crow'd  for  kisses,"  - 

the  wedding  breakfast,  notwithstanding  that  it  was 
such  a  substantial  reality,  appeared  to  Mr.  Verdant 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   493 

Green's  bewildered  mind  to  resemble  somewhat  the 
pageant  of  a  dream.  There  was  the  usual  spasmodic 
gaiety  of  conversation  that  is  inherent  to  bridal  ban 
quets,  and  toasts  were  proclaimed  and  honoured,  and 
speeches  were  made  —  indeed,  he  himself  made  one,  of 
which  he  could  not  recall  a  word.  Sufficient  let  it  be 
for  our  present  purpose,  therefore,  to  briefly  record 
the  speech  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  who  was  deputed  to  return 
thanks  for  the  duplicate  bodies  of  bridesmaids. 

Mr.  Bouncer  (who  with  some  difficulty  checked  his 
propensity  to  indulge  in  Oriental  figurativeness  of 
expression)  was  understood  to  observe,  that  on  interest 
ing  occasions  like  the  present,  it  was  the  custom  for 
the  youngest  groomsman  to  return  thanks  on  behalf  of 
the  bridesmaids;  and  that  he,  not  being  the  youngest, 
had  considered  himself  safe  from  this  onerous  duty. 
For  though  the  task  was  a  pleasing  one,  yet  it  was  one 
of  fearful  responsibility.  It  was  usually  regarded  as 
a  sufficiently  difficult  and  hazardous  experiment,  when 
one  single  gentleman  attempted  to  express  the  senti 
ments  of  one  single  lady;  but  when,  as  in  the  present 
case,  there  were  ten  single  ladies,  whose  unknown 
opinions  had  to  be  conveyed  through  the  medium  of 
one  single  gentleman,  then  the  experiment  became 
one  from  which  the  boldest  heart  might  well  shrink. 
He  confessed  that  he  experienced  these  emotions  of 
timidity  on  the  present  occasion.  (Cries  of  "  Ok  !  "  ) 
He  felt,  that  to  adequately  discharge  the  duties 
entrusted  would  require  the  might  of  an  engine  of  ten- 
bridesmaid  power.  He  would  say  more,  but  his 
feelings  overcame  him.  (Renewed  cries  of  "Oh!") 
Under  these  circumstances  he  thought  that  he  had 
better  take  his  leave  of  the  subject,  convinced  that  the 


404  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

reply  to  the  toast  would  be  most  eloquently  conveyed 
by  the  speaking  eyes  of  the  ten  blooming  bridesmaids. 
(Mr.  Bouncer  resumes  his  seat  amid  great  approbation.} 

Then  the  brides  disappeared,  and  after  a  time  made 
their  re-appearance  in  travelling  dresses.  Then  there 
were  tears  and  "doubtful  joys,"  and  blessings,  and 
farewells,  and  the  departure  of  the  two  carriages-and- 
four  (under  a  brisk  fire  of  old  shoes)  to  the  nearest 
railway  station,  from  whence  the  happy  couples  set 
out,  the  one  for  Paris,  the  other  for  the  Cumberland 
Lakes;  and  it  was  amid  those  romantic  lakes,  with 
their  mountains  and  waterfalls,  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  sipped  the  sweets  of  the  honeymoon,  and 
realised  the  stupendous  fact  that  he  was  a  married 
man. 

The  honeymoon  had  barely  passed,  and  November 
had  come,  when  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  again  to  be 
seen  in  Oxford  —  a  bachelor  only  in  the  University 
sense  of  the  term,  for  his  wife  was  with  him,  and  they 
had  rooms  in  the  High  Street.  Mr.  Bouncer  was  also 
there,  and  had  prevailed  upon  Verdant  to  invite  his 
sister  Fanny  to  join  them  and  be  properly  chaperoned 
by  Mrs.  Verdant.  For,  that  wedding-day  in  Northum 
berland  had  put  an  effectual  stop  to  the  little  gentle 
man's  determination  to  refrain  from  the  wedded  state, 
and  he  could  now  say  with  Benedick,  "  When  I  said  I 
would  die  a  bachelor,  I  did  not  think  I  should  live  till 
I  were  married."  But  Miss  Fanny  Green  had  looked 
so  particularly  charming  in  her  bridesmaid's  dress, 
that  little  Mr.  Bouncer  was  inspired  with  the  notable 
idea,  that  he  should  like  to  see  her  playing  first  fiddle, 
and  attired  in  the  still  more  interesting  costume  of  a 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   495 

bride.  On  communicating  this  inspiration  (couched, 
it  must  be  confessed,  in  rather  extraordinary  language) 
to  Miss  Fanny,  he  found  that  the  young  lady  was  far 
from  averse  to  assisting  him  to  carry  out  his  idea; 
and  in  further  conversation  with  her,  it  was  settled 
that  she  should  follow  the  example  of  her  sister  Helen 
(who  was  "  engaged "  to  the  Rev.  Joskih  Meek,  now 
the  rector  of  a  Worcestershire  parish),  and  consider 
herself  as. "engaged"  to  Mr.  Bouncer.  Which  face 
tious  idea  of  the  little  gentleman's  was  rendered  the 
more  amusing  from  its  being  accepted  and  agreed  to 
by  the  young  lady's  parents  and  "the  Mum."  Sp 
here  was  Mr.  Bouncer  again  in  Oxford,  an  "  engaged " 
man,  in  company  with  the  object  of  his  affections, 
both  being  prepared  as  soon  as  possible  to  follow  the 
example  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Verdant  Green. 

Before  Verdant  could  "put  on  his  gown,"  certain 
preliminaries  had  to  be  observed.  First,  he  had  to 
call,  as  a  matter  of  courtesy,  on  the  head  of  his  Col 
lege,  to  whom  he  had  to  show  his  Testamur,  and 
whose  formal  permission  he  requested  that  he  might 
put  on  his  gown. 

"Oh  yes!"  replied  Dr.  Portman,  in  his  monosylla 
bic  tones,  as  though  he  were  reading  aloud  from  a 
child's  primer;  "oh  yes,  cer-tain-ly!  I  was  de-light 
ed  to  know  that  you  had  pass-ed,  and  that  you  have 
been  such  a  cred-it  to  your  col-lege.  You  will  o-blige 
me,  if  you  please,  by  pre-sent-ing  your-self  to  the  Dean 
of  Arts."  And  then  Dr.  Portman  shook  hands  with 
Verdant,  wished  him  good- morn  ing,  and  resumed  his 
favourite  study  of  the  Greek  particles. 

Then,  at  an  appointed  hour  in  the  evening,  Verdant, 
in  company  with  other  men  of  his  college,  went  to  the 
32 


496  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

Dean  of  Arts,  who  heard  them  read  through  the  Thirty- 
Tiine  Articles,  and  dismissed  them  with  this  parting 
intimation  —  "  Now,  gentlemen!  I  shall  expect  to  see 
you  at  the  Divinity  School  in  the  morning  at  ten 
o'clock.  You  must  come  with  your  bands  and  gown, 
snd  fees;  and  be  sure,  gentlemen,  that  you  do  not 
forget  the  fees!" 

So  in  the  morning  Verdant  takes  Patty  to  the 
Schools,  and  commits  her  to  the  charge  of  Mr.  Bouncer, 
who  conducts  her  and  Miss  Fanny  to  one  of  the  raised 
seats  in  the  Convocation  House,  from  whence  they  will 
have  a  good  view  of  the  conferring  of  Degrees.  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  finds  the  precincts  of  the  Schools  ten 
anted  by  droves  of  college  Butlers,  Porters,  and  Scouts, 
hanging  about  for  the  usual  fees  and  old  gowns,  and 
carrying  blue  bags,  in  which  are  the  new  gowns.  Then 
—  having  seen  that  Mr.  Robert  Filcher  is  in  attend 
ance  with  his  own  particular  gown  —  he  struggles 
through  the  Pig-market,1  thronged  with  bustling 
Bedels  and  University  Marshals,  and  other  officials. 
Then,  as  opportunity  offers,  he  presents  himself  to  the 
senior  Squire  Bedel  in  Arts,  George  Valentine  Cox, 
Esq.,  who  sits  behind  a  table,  and,  in  his  polite  and 
scholarly  manner,  puts  the  usual  questions  to  him,  and 
permits  him,  on  the  due  payment  of  all  the  fees,  to 
write  his  name  in  a  large  book,  and  to  place  "Fil. 
Gen."2  after  his  autograph.  Then  he  has  to  wait 
some  time  until  the  superior  Degrees  are  conferred, 
and  the  Doctors  and  Masters  have  taken  their  seats, 

i  The  derivation  of  this  word  has  already  been  given.  See 
Part  I.  p.  62. 

a  /.  e.,  Filius  Generosi  —  the  son  of  a  gentleman  of  independent 
means. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   497 


and  the  Proctors  have   made  their  apparently  insane 
promenade.1 

Then  the  Deans  come  into  the  ante-chamber  to  see 
if  the  men  of  their  respective  Colleges  are  duly  pres 
ent,  properly  dressed,  and  have  faithfully  paid  the 


fees.  Then,  when  the  Deans,  having  satisfactorily 
ascertained  these  facts,  have  gone  back  again  into  the 
Convocation  House,  the  Yeoman  Bedel  rushes  forth 
with  his  silver  "poker,"  and  summons  all  the  Bache 
lors,  in  a  very  precipitate  and  far  from  impressive 
manner,  with  "  Now,  then,  gentlemen !  please  all  of 

1  See  note,  Part  I.  p.  168. 


498   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

you  to  come  in!  you're  wanted!"  Then  the  Bachelors 
enter  the  Convocation  House  in  a  troop,  and  stand 
in  the  area,  in  front  of  the  Vice-Chancellor  and  the 
two  Proctors.  Then  are  these  young  men  duly  quizzed 
by  the  strangers  present,  especially  by  the  young 
ladies,  who,  besides  noticing  their  own  friends,  amuse 
themselves  by  picking  out  such  as  they  suppose  to 
have  been  reading  men,  fast  men,  or  slow  men  — 
taking  the  face  as  the  index  of  the  mind.  We  may  be 
sure  that  there  is  a  young  married  lady  present  who 
does  not  indulge  in  futile  speculations  of  this  sort,  but 
fixes  her  whole  attention  on  the  figure  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green. 

Then  the  Bedel  comes  with  a  pile  of  Testaments, 
and  gives  one  to  each  man;  Dr.  Bliss,  the  Registrar 
of  the  University,  administers  to  them  the  oath,  and 
they  kiss  the  book.  Then  the  Deans  present  them  to 
the  Vice-Chancellor  in  a  short  Latin  form;  and  then 
the  Vice-Chancellor,  standing  up  uncovered,  with  the 
Proctors  standing  on  either  side,  addresses  them  in 
these  words:  "Domini,  ego  admitto  vos  ad  lectionem 
cujuslibet  libri  Logices  Aristotelis;  et  insuper  earum 
Artium,  quas  et  quatenus  per  Statuta  audivisse  tene- 
mini;  insuper  autoritate  mea  et  totius  universitatis, 
do  vobis  potestatem  ihtrandi  scholas,  legendi,  dis- 
putandi,  et  reliqua  omnia  faciendi,  quae  ad  gradum 
Baccalaurei  in  Artibus  spectant. " 

When  the  Vice-Chancellor  has  spoken  these  remark 
able  words  which,  after  three  years  of  university 
reading  and  expense,  grant  so  much  that  has  not 
been  asked  or  wished  for,  the  newly-made  Bachelors 
rush  out  of  the  Convocation  House  in  wild  confusion, 
and  stand  on  one  side  to  allow  the  Vice-Chancellarian 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   499 

procession  to  pass.  Then,  on  emerging  from  the  Pig- 
market,  they  hear  St.  Mary's  bells,  which  sound  to 
them  sweeter  than  ever. 

Mrs.  Verdant  Green  is  especially  delighted  with 
her  husband's  voluminous  bachelor's  gown  and  white- 
furred  hood  (articles  which  Mr.  Robert  Filcher,  when 
helping  to  put  them  on  his  master  in  the  ante-cham 


ber,  had  declared  to  be  "the  most  becomingest  things 
as  was  ever  wore  on  a  gentleman's  shoulders"),  and 
forthwith  carries  him  off  to  be  photographed  while  the 
gloss  of  his  new  glory  is  yet  upon  him.  Of  course, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  ail  the  new  bachelors  are  most 
profusely  "  capped ; "  and,  of  course,  all  this  servile 
homage  —  although  appreciated  at  its  full  worth,  and 
repaid  by  shillings  and  quarts  of  buttery  beer  —  of 
course  it  is  most  grateful  to  the  feelings,  and  is  as 


500   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

delightfully   intoxicating  to    the   imagination   as   any 
incense  of  flattery  can  be. 

What  a  pride  does  Mr.  Verdant  Green  feel  as  he  takes 
his  bride  through  the  streets  of  his  beautiful  Oxford ! 
how  complacently  he  conducts  her  to  lunch  at  the 
confectioner's  who  had  supplied  their  wedding-cake! 
how  he  escorts  her  (under  the  pretence  of  making  pur 
chases)  to  every  shop  at  which  he  has  dealt,  that  he 
may  gratify  his  innocent  vanity  in  showing  off  his 
charming  bride !  how  boldly  he  catches  at  the  merest 
college  acquaintance,  solely  that  he  may  have  the 
proud  pleasure  of  introducing  "  My  wife  !  " 

But  what  said  Mrs.  Tester,  the  bed-maker?  "Law 
bless  you,  sir!"  said  that  estimable  lady,  dabbing  her 
curtseys  where  there  were  stops,  like  the  beats  of  a 
conductor's  baton  —  "Law  bless  you,  sir!  I've  bin  a 
wife  meself,  sir.  And  I  knows  your  feelings." 

And  what  said  Mr.  Robert  Filcher?  "Mr.  Verdant 
Green,"  said  he,  "  I  'm  sorry  as  how  you  've  done  with 
Oxford,  sir,  and  that  we're  agoing  to  lose  you.  And 
this  I  will  say,  sir!  if  ever  there  was  a  gentleman  I 
were  sorry  to  part  with,  it  's  you,  sir.  But  I  hopes, 
sir,  that  you  've  got  a  wife  as  '11  be  a  good  wife  to  you, 
sir;  and  make  you  ten  times  happier  than  you  've  been 
in  Oxford,  sir!" 

And  so  say  we. 


THE  END, 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA   LIBRARY 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


fcUS  24 


23Jan'63/liEj| 


APR 


c 


LOAN 

JUL  1 6  1970 


JAH237r 


;-:i  CI.X 


90  ! 

AUQ  1  0 


30m-l,'15 


U.C.BERKELEY  LIBRARIES 


CD550bbD7L4 


i 


